Repetitive cycle

 We are getting our house painted for the first time, since we moved in, thirteen some years ago. As a part of the forced spring cleaning that came with moving furniture and freeing up space for painters to take over, I discovered old notes/reminders I had written down for myself or hard times that I was going through. And then shamefully realized that I literally obsess over the same three things over and over, every decade. Over and over, literally a dog's tail, cannot be straightened out!! 

The three things in no particular order are my frustration over dealing with my in laws, frustration with not achieving the pre pregnancy body again, stress over either me looking for a new role or stress in my current role. I have this notion of myself that I am very cheerful positive smiling, don't sweat the small stuff kinda gal but my deepest darkest thoughts aren't really reflective of it at all. How is it that I am now nearing mid forties and have worked since I was 18, doing my Chartered Accountancy article ship and STILL obsess over career growth and constant dissatisfaction at where I am at in my current spot. I like to think I am always grateful, low maintenance and satisfied with my life and relationships and at the same time am SO hard on myself. I remember when I was moving from a Manager to a Senior Manager promotion and had thought to myself, once I am a Senior Manager, that's it. I will be happy. The SM bliss lasted maybe a year and I have been on my "Gosh, I should be a Director!" for the past few years. What is this incessant need and requirement that I have imposed on myself to show promotional career growth every few years? Movement does not necessarily have to be upwards, it can be in many other directions. Every step towards something new should be growth. I know all this funda but in my heart, I want that bigger and better title. 

In laws has been a slow and painful growth. Its been different kinds of pain at different points of time. Here, with growing up, has also come a little bit of wisdom. People seldom change - I haven't, they haven't. We have both stuck to our lanes, beliefs and mistrust with each other. Nothing has changed and with time and their old age and health issues, they have become even more difficult, if anything. For people that have led majorly selfish lives, not caring for any extended family members or their own parents, not inconveniencing themselves in any way or manner, it seems very unfair to me to cash out on their "right" to move in with their son and daughter in law especially after every 6 month visit over the past decades has just been miserable for all parties concerned. A logical person would say let me stay in India with our multiple maids and social structure and see if our kids can visit us every year. If you are so high maintenance and demand specific food, want to assert yourselves as the main role in your son's lives in your seventies, its not going to go well. In the Netflix series "The Crown", was a wonderful dialogue by the Queen's mother in law. She said that as you enter your sixties and seventies, you shift from being a player to being the audience and if you understand your role, then life is easy and peaceful. The issue with my in laws is that they are not able or willing to actually execute on any task but still insist on being the center of activity and for us to constantly cater to them. And the words, unkind bitter words, which hurt and leave behind a scar more than anything else. My late father would tease me - you are a MBA, use your people management skills to deal with your in laws :) Anyways, what is this continued obsession I have, to keep mulling over every hurtful word said, every difficult incident and not drop it and walk away. Walking away does not mean not fulfilling your husband's duties as a son, yes, they are moving in as soon as the borders open but walking away means being indifferent to their words and actions. It will be immensely difficult to shut out negativity when its in your own house 24/7 but at least its not my husband and kids. I don't know how sad it must be for those women who are not treated well by their husbands. Where will they turn to? I have an overfull life with my job, my children, my husband, my health regime, my friends, my family, my social life, my hobbies.....I can and need to de prioritize any frustration tagged to my in laws and free up that real estate in my stress zones.

Which brings me to the third - my health regime. Over the years, my blood test results are all great. But if you see my weight for my height, I am overweight, close to the Obese border. Now I know weight may not be an accurate indicator. As I claim, I have heavy muscles and that may be contributing to my weight :) Thanks to remote work, I have been able to work out five days a week. But I am impatient and get disheartened at the lack of visual results - I haven't dropped pant sizes or cannot claim Oh, I lost 25 pounds or in general rock shorts/dresses to meet the appropriate image that I have created in my mind of how I should look rocking that particular outfit. Now I do see women all around me cutting out carbs from their diet, eating only once a day, cutting out sugar and I know I don't/can't/shall not diet. Some days I hype myself up and decide to cut something out or try out Intermittent Fasting but then I wake up the next day and am SO miserable and craving for the particular item I have cut out. I have realized I have great joy from preparing delicious items of food and consuming them. I don't eat huge portions of food or unhealthy treats all the time so those easy fruits to pick off are already picked off! My gynecologist declared that I am in peri menopause (it supposedly runs for 8-10 years, Oh woe is me!!!) and my hormones will not only let me lose weight but also try to add more - double whammy :(

I bleed between periods incessantly. I feel like my life has turned into one giant period where I am either spotting, bleeding intermittently or bleeding like a river. Fatigue and emotions accompany this river. As I try to stay positive and keep forging ahead with this hurtle of work, kids, gym, husband, cooking, laundry, throwing parties, cleaning, more cleaning, our dog, our fish........on and on and on. 

I really need to let go of the stress that accompanies the three big stressors that I seem to carry around one year to the next. And as I write this, one truth is glaringly brilliantly staring back at me. HOW BLESSED AM I that these are the only three constant stresses in my life!!!!! For a privileged educated women in a developed country, these are luxury worries to have!!! F it, I am going to say a prayer of gratitude every day to be so blessed and to become the person that I think I am in my mind, portray to others most of the time and aspire to be. 

 

The great Indian hypocrisy

My wedding was a whirlwind one. We decided to get married and P cancelled the planned engagement to get married instead. Everything happened in a blur of two weeks. The first time, my parents, cousin and his wife, visited my in laws's house, was when my mother in law broke down before my mom and sister in law, and cried and cried. Saying that she never wanted P to marry me; that she had pointed out that I had flaws in my teeth, flaws in my eyes, I was adopted, but P insisted on marrying me (Neither am I butt ugly nor is she Aishwairya incarnate but that's another matter!). How she was worried that she was losing her son etc. Both my mom and sister in law were taken aback at this sudden spew of insults and tears, but being the kind of amazing ladies, they are, they took it in their stride and comforted my mil.

Fast forward eighteen years, I am still waiting for that one visit in which everything is peaceful, my mil hasn't taken every opportunity to hurt me and we could peacefully co exist. It hasn't happened once.

She is a bitter unhappy lady. Still complains about her house, her city; that she has lived in forever. Has always desired moving to the US. Complains incessantly about India, all the things about India that are to be criticized - the crowds, the pollution, the lack of infrastructure, the garbage; never once looking at situations with a grateful eye. There is a complete lack of any gratitude or satisfaction in her life. The only people praise worthy in her life are first and foremost herself and secondly her daughter. If there is any time left over, then it is her favorite brother and lastly grudgingly P. All the good things that P might do are all because of her suggestions, of course. Every story is around how she is super smart; all woven in her own fabric of imagination. She has not sustained any relationships - family or friends.

Between the two of them, they have never hosted or supported any of their parents in their old age; only agreeing to help, as per their convenience. P has a maternal aunt - a widow with no children of her own; who his Mom used to call over for every celebration or festival. This aunt is a very kind loving soul who was also very artistic and a splendid cook. She has cooked and cleaned and been the backbone for many a festival meal at my mils'. Of course now that this aunt is in her eighties - deaf, frail and almost blind; my mil absolutely refuses to let her stay over at their place. Using her health as an excuse. It breaks my heart. This lady who has never gone out of her way to help anyone; never been there for any old parent; never done anything unless she had something to benefit, this lady now wants to move in with us, rightfully. Its her son's house and its his duty.

Apart from the stress of how will I deal with this high maintenance pair who never seem to be satisfied with anything, I am struggling more with the injustice of fate. How do these people who have lived so selfishly all their lives have an assured comfortable and cushy old age? How is destiny so unfair? Why does it let people who have brought nothing but joy to others and helped countless others, it lets these people live and die in solitude? And how does it provide for the best things in life to such self centered people?

I cannot seem to get over the unfairness of it all.

P casually said that if it was your parents, I would never have said anything.

That was when I realized the double standards life we lead here in the US. At least our generation i.e., I do think the younger generation is more smarter and clearer in their priorities in life. On the one hand, we pretend to be feminists, we pretend to be equally sharing the work load of home and work, we let our wives study and work as much as us but in the end, we expect her to suck it up and put up with our parents, no matter how much of a pain, they might be. Because that is what a good Indian daughter in law does.

I told P never to even say that so nonchalantly - that he wouldn't even have made a fuss if it was my parents. Because he has never been and never will be in that situation. Lets imagine if the tables were turned for a minute, would he be Mr. Mahatma Gandhi and magnanimously invite his in laws over to move in with us?

My parents have always always treated and held P in the highest respect and love. Always been careful of his feelings, the son in law is treated as a King in Indian households. Everything is catered around him. He is always praised and appreciated. Never inconvenienced and if he is, in the slightest way possible; then they profusely apologize.

My parents also have a high maintenance daughter in law and my Mom has always chosen to look the other way and to ignore her shortcomings. My Mom has pretty much been full time cook, house keeper and baby sitter on every visit and over the years, they have formed their own special bond - my Mom and her daughter in law. They built their relationship over the years to where they have a place of friendship and gratitude now.

Mine has gone the other way - from the minute I stepped into their household, it has been shattering one notion of a happy family after the other. But as they have invested into their goose to lay their golden eggs, it is time for their son to repay his debt to his parents. And me as his wife, should meekly go along.

I am so afraid of how this is going to test our relationship, the effect it will have on my peace and happiness and whether it will turn my daughters's world upside down. But this I know, it is up to me to decide how I will let these people affect my life. It is to me to decide if this is a punishment to bear or a debt to repay. A debt which I did not rack up but which belongs to my husband. I will do my best to shake off this dread, this impending heart attack that I feel upon me - every time my chest hurts after holding in all the unshod tears. I cant die for these people. What will happen to my sweet little girls then? I will shake off this helplessness and fight for my family - my relationship, my peace and our memories. I will not let a jealous bitter person snatch away my joy from me. 

If you didn't post it, did it not happen?

I love Facebook, it connected me with my birth dad and for that I am eternally grateful to that platform. For the joy, the pain, the tears and the closure, it has given me. I no longer wonder about my roots, the genes I have inherited and if he had any regrets not having me in his life. The truth is not always kind but its up to you to absorb the harshness and to look for the lessons learnt, in the journey of obtaining the truth.

So I do love Facebook, I love looking at the status updates of various far flung friends and relatives, applaud them on their achievements, offer condolences on their loss and get tips on hot travel destinations or that restaurant they tried or the wonderful DIY decorations someone made for their kids's parties. I even borrow P's phone some time for a change in scenery :) None of it personally affects me (yet) (I think :)).

Some friends of mine get aggravated and upset by the various social media - forwarded articles, debates and show off posts get to them personally and a few of them have deleted their accounts or exited the groups to avoid this frustration. I also know many of these folks who post every single minute of their life and every minor achievement. I know what goes into getting that perfect picture on a windy frigid afternoon when all her daughter wanted to do was to sled with her cousins, but she had to freeze (literally and figuratively) while her Mom adjusted her hair for the perfect winter day picture with the perfect tagline "Zero degree temperature wont stop us ha ha" etc. It also takes on an even bigger obsession for others, where now I have begun to suspect if they do certain things only to keep their online persona propped up?

And what does that say to the rest of us who do not constantly share every detail of our lives on Facebook? Does that volunteering activity that we did, no longer count because we didn't post it online and it didn't get liked by hundred people with whom I barely exchange a phone call with, ever? Does the fun that I had with my kids when we baked dozens of cookies and ate half of them right away, the cookie batter licking, mess creating, sugar rush giving activity; does that count if I didn't post the yummy pictures online with a profound tagline of my "quality" time with my kids? What is the healthy balance here?

I also write a private blog only for my kids - its shared with family and family friends only. Sometimes my kids will say "Oh mommy, quick, put it on the blog". I hope the day never comes when they think of doing something because it is blog worthy material. All of us are living our own mini reality show series as we capture every event, every activity, every moment and try to showcase it in one media or the other. When we get all stressed out because our phone died and we couldn't take a picture of that magnificent sunset we just viewed.

We ran into acquaintances in Florida, and upon exchanging travel itineraries, the couple panicked for a brief moment when we told them we had just visited Siesta key. They panicked until they remembered they had already been there, a few years back. Peace was restored upon that realization :) They nonchalantly talked about seeing dolphins frolic in the water at another beach and ticked off all the "must do - must see - must eat" items on their list, per popular public opinion sites. Watching wild dolphins in the water is not an everyday thing (for me) and I pray and hope that this wonder of nature, travel and spending time with each other, never ceases for me or my family. Because ultimately at the end of the day, that's what matters, the memories you make, the security and love you feel; these emotions are absorbed into every core of your body making you healthier and stronger for the day that's to come. The happiness that filled my heart as I walked down the beach, hand in hand with P, the girls running ahead of us is enough to sustain me for the next mini obstacle or disappointment to come in our lives. And it doesn't matter that I did not post my joy on Facebook.

So while I do post updates myself and enjoy the updates posted by my friends, look forward to updates from people I have not been in touch with for a long time; love my Facebook people watching, picture surfing; I also have no more patience left with the people who do not make an effort to actually be the person, they portray to be on social media, to also take a minute to acknowledge and thank their support team when they are busy posting personal accomplishments and to stop inconveniencing the rest of their party only for that perfect shot.

So lets all remember to thank our spouses who stepped in and picked up the slack (because slack there will be) when you were out training for that marathon or shining on work assignments and you post that achievement as soon as its complete; acknowledge that friend of yours who took efforts to throw an awesome party that you so enjoyed (and she doesn't take to FB to post minute by minute account of it) and offer thanks to God for the vivid beauty that he created and you enjoy on your expensive vacations around the globe. Lets be more thankful, more humble and more present! And lets always remember that only because someone does not post it, it does not mean they do nothing worth while in their lives. 

Villains in real life

Most Indian movies; the over the top dramatic ones, the tear jerker ones, the horrifying hold your breath dramatic last ending ones; have one or multiple villains in the ending. The hero or heroine or hero/heroine's loved ones are/is tied up while the villains contemplate how they will die. Should they be pushed out of a plane? Should they be fed to the alligators or sharks? Should they be shot? The more dramatic ones have more innovative methods of a tank bubbling away with mysterious dangerous stuff; should they be pushed into it? Or should they have a slow painful death? The American Mission Impossible movies always show a variety of tools to imply a slow death. 

These movies/books with similar plots and descriptions always scared me, gave me nightmares and made me uncomfortable. I distinctly remember leaving a book on a plane because it had awful descriptions of how a husband and a wife were tied and tortured in front of each other. That book has given me the chills and the creeps for years now and I still cannot forget it. And now I am haunted by the thought of what if it has landed in some insane person's hands and he actually has ideas now :( 

But I digress. We have our own villains now. My Dad is tied up and we are all too, along with him; helpless and powerless in front of these villains. The villains come in many forms - MSA Multiple systems atrophy, PCP cerebral palsy, various forms of advanced Parkinsons.  There is a train headed towards us and nothing can stop it. There is no solution, no hero to save the day! No miracle drug, no amazing doctor with cutting edge research. Just imminent death but wait a minute, lets thicken this plot. 

We don't know what kind of death. Will it be going blind followed by choking on your own food and then dying of pneumonia? Or will it be being bedridden, completely unable to move, eat or speak and then die of heart failure or respiratory infection? Or will it be a fall at the wrong time in the wrong place which will paralyze. The possibilities are endless, the outcome is all the same. The events have been set into motion and we are all helpless tied up victims. There is no knight in shining armor in the form of doctors, medicines, alternative medicines, therapy to save him (and us) from this fate.

Whoever is up there writing my Dad's life story sure does have a cruel sense of humor. Because he has given him this disease where his mind will stay exceptionally clear until the end. So that my Dad can clearly feel, see and understand every single betrayal of his body. I would not wish such a fate on my worst enemy. 

Which makes me wonder again about the fairness in life. Have you ever looked around and seen these people - they are the ones whose presence is never comforting, soothing to anyone, not even to their loved ones; who have words that hurt, actions that cause pain and who never have done anything in their lives for any other human being except to benefit themselves. Have you also seen how they tend to live long healthy lives? Of course they still complain about their lives because they always are in a state of dissatisfaction. I am sure all of you also know at least a few people who were so immensely loved and needed and who passed away way before their time. I guess this is life! 

Life again teaches me how we are never really in control and to be grateful always for all the good things we have right now. In the present moment, in the current situation. Because no one knows whats around the corner. I will never complain about any trying situation because there are more awful situations to trump those trying situations. Always be grateful, always be thankful, always hug your loved ones and be in the moment. And I hope that there are only good things around the corner for all of you (us) and bad things/situations/conditions fall away. 

Please keep my Baba in your thoughts and send good healing vibes his way. Thank you! 

What is a friend?

I use the term "friend" very generously. If you are my colleague, I see you everyday, I have vented to you and we chat about your life and mine, you are my friend. Apparently this word has different connotations to different people.

As I grow older (and hopefully wiser) I try to remind myself to be accommodating and accept things/people/views different than mine without having to swing people over to my side and see things exactly as I see them. It was this trait that helped me listen patiently to my babysitter defend Trump's campaign, to dismiss how he was a womanizer, to dismiss how he disrespects women and to actually listen to the things that make him an attractive candidate to a section of the voters. I learnt something new. And I left it at that. This is conservation of the limited energy I have :)

Well back to "friend", I remember remarking to a work colleague of mine, someone who I had gone out to lunch with, heard about his divorce and ongoing life situation and challenges first hand and chatted with on a daily basis. I remarked to him about someone else that "Grace is my friend" and he jumped back and said "Whoa whoa whoa, that's a big statement!". I wonder if he would consider me his "friend".

Yesterday our big boss was telling the folks who sit by me to be nice and say good things about the company as I had not yet accepted their offer. Or she would have to move me by pleasanter people. And I said No, I like it here, these people are my friends. And one guy immediately remarked "That is a very strong word to use" I don't know if I would say that.

I remember saying to my brother's wife that I think of her as my sister and she had retorted that she thought of me as her "friend" and not her "sister".

Learning from that episode, at one point I had said to my husband's sister that I think of her as my friend and she remarked "Hold on, it takes me a long time to consider someone my friend and I don't think of you as a friend".

These statements had hurt me very much at that time. But now I realize that a "friend" is different things to different people. And that it does not reflect on me - it is them not me.

So today I am grateful that I do have lots of people who call me their friends and I get to call them mine. I am very grateful that I also have a handful of friends who call me their soul sister and their best friend forever. I am also grateful that my husband, my classic introvert, thinks of me as his best friend :) And I am grateful that God has given me the wisdom to accept the different definitions of "friend" with different people and to let go and continue on..

Dayyyyyyy twoooooo of Nablopomo

Its day two and I am already struggling to think of what am I grateful about today!!! S has a bad cough and cold. Every time she gets sick, two days later I am sick, a week later she is fit and fine, two weeks later I am still struggling!!! I woke up today with my throat burning like it was on fire! The entire day stretched out soooooooo looooooooooong.

But I am super grateful for my job. I took the summer off and as soon as I was ready to look, God plonked this contract opportunity right in front of me. The controller loves me and wants to hire me and I went right back to work after my wonderful wonderful summer off. I am thankful to God for the break I could take and for giving me a job when I was ready to go back. Incredibly blessed!!

I was doing so good on my diet and exercise; did I say I lost 18 pounds over the past four months!!!! Diwali has put some of it right back :(( And now being sick makes me want to reach for all the unhealthy creamy cheesy fried, chocolatey, gooey yumminess that makes my mind feel better (temporarily).

So maybe I should talk about my diet here. I had put on 20 pounds over last summer - sheer side effect of taking prescription asthma medicines that I should not have taken in the first place and pushing stupid quantities of albuterol and other steroids which had no business being in my poor body. But I will not dwell on the past. So this year, when I took my break, I also ran over to a medical weight loss solutions group here. They put me on a 800 calorie diet with meal replacements for the first month and Oh man, what a huge shock it was to my system!!! The first few days I only thought in terms of three hour installments - I could eat a snack/bar/shake every three hours and it was gone within minutes and I would be staring at my watch waiting for the next one. But slowly the hunger pangs ceased and my body adjusted to eating smaller portions. And then the mind focused on how I turned to food every time I was bored, sad, tired. It was very hard getting rid of this habit of wanting to eat every five seconds and to divert my mind to other activities; to dealing with the root cause of every emotion instead of throwing coffees and chocolates at it, to drink water when you think you are hungry because if you ate lunch thirty minutes ago, there is no way you are hungry in 30 minutes! My dietitian said many folks mistake thirst for hunger. I was amazed at how much water you should drink and how much I actually did. And I thought I drank a lot. This first month made me more aware of my thoughts and my body and how I reacted to situations and adjusting to portion sizes. We started adding back regular food slowly and now I am back to a regular diet (reduced portions). But I did lose 18 pounds so far.

Working out daily during my break carved out my muscles, made my butt tighter and gave me a new high. I also managed to "walk" a half marathon to accompany my super star 64 year old brother who has turned into a Forrest Gump ever since he retired. He walks about 14 miles every single day!!

I am so grateful to have these opportunities to take care of myself; a husband who lets me have time to focus on my health and to have the courage to take those steps of enrolling in a weight loss program and to stay focused on my diet and exercise plan. Next eighteen pounds are going to be the hardest but I am hoping I slowly trudge along and make it to my goal weight. 

New month resolution :)

I am a very open person. I am a very vocal person. I blab out my deepest fears and worries and feelings out to my family, my husband, my closest friends. Over the years, I have found that as life gets busier and busier and everyone around you is juggling many balls and plates and many balls on those plates; it is a bit trying for everyone to listen to you vent about the same things over and over. 

That's when I realized how valuable my poor blog is (to me). It cannot roll its eyes, cannot talk back (I have been pretty lucky never to attract any trolls), cannot judge or wont remind me when I do or say things that I said once upon a time that I would never do.

So when Swathi shook some of us bloggers from slumber and asked if we would all do a Nablopomo (?) together, I jumped at it. I want the chance to be regular at something. I do many things for a while and then slack off! I need to get into the regiment of being regular. So lets see how it goes; a post for every day in November!! Daunting!

I have decided that I have whined enough on this blog. I am going to call out things I am grateful for - every single day. 

So today I am grateful to be living in a city that celebrates diversity. I went to S's kindergarten class to talk about Diwali. Took along a collage of pictures of fire crackers, rangoli, plate full of Diwali goodies, the girls with their cousins lighting sparklers etc. Took along a beautiful star lantern, some battery operated lights and some diyas. Took along a lot of Diwali goodies to arrange in a big platter to share with her teachers and class. S and I dressed up in Indian traditional clothes. I shared two stories of Diwali with the class - one of Rama's return from exile and the other of Narakasura and how he was destroyed by Lord Krishna (his wife). Explained that the gist is the victory of good over bad. How each of us should light a lamp inside us and get rid of the bad thoughts and embrace good ones. Do little things like not be mean to our friends/siblings, be helpful and polite and shine with happiness like the little twinkling lights and bring joy to everyone around us. The class went around and shared one good thing they will do today. They devoured the sweets and the savories and even the teachers tried all of the items and declared their favorites. All in all it was a lot of fun!! The principal of the school also stopped by to thank me for sharing our culture and festivals with the class. S was beaming with joy the entire time. 25 kids walked away with a slightly better understanding of Diwali and wished each other "Happy Diwali"!! So grateful for my girls to go to a school where they embrace diversity, so grateful to live in a city where no one looks at you strangely for wearing a traditional get up, so grateful to be surrounded by teachers and inquisitive young minds who want to know more about Indian traditions and customs. Thank you Lord!

The best teacher in life is life itself!!!

Life continues to kick our ass and teaches us long painful lessons. We hope this is the last setback, tomorrow might bring good news or next week for sure but next week comes and goes and so does the week after it. Every sunny cloud seems to have a dark lining to it; the minute we start getting hopeful or optimistic about one thing, it immediately proceeds to fall apart. You know how they say that you can bear your own troubles but you cannot bear to see your loved ones in pain. The same way I am really done begging the Almighty, fate, the universe to send some good cheer P's way. Yes, he procrastinated and dilly dallied and hurt his own career but this has been punishment enough. Please please please cut him some slack and give him a break!

SO big painful lessons learnt:

1. Your attitude when you are waiting, is far more important than the results of the wait. I need to remind myself everyday to support and cheer P. These might be one of the most unhappiest days in his life and I should atleast make sure he knows I am by his side and understand.
2. Look for the good everyday. Celebrate small successes. We are so fixated on the things we know we deserve and should achieve that we sometimes forget to celebrate and be happy about the small things we get and sometimes without any effort, along the way. I have a contract opportunity within days of my job search and I should be happy and excited about it. Money is money is money after all!!
3. Count your blessings - all those things that we take for granted until we lose some. This is the first time in my life that I am actually worried about our financial stability. I had never even thought of it in my twenties and thirties and now on the cusp of entering my forties, I worry about our employment and finances :(
4. Health is wealth. If you are fit and healthy, you can take on the world :)

With that I am going to go sleep and hope with all my might that tomorrow indeed will bring good news or I will count by blessings one more time and hope that we are almost there, this too shall pass!!

Where did my summer go!!! :)

So after months and months of doldrums and taking this scary decision of quitting my well paying job, the job that gave us subsidized cost insurance, the job that was our stability; walking away from it was terrifying but staying was even worse. And walk away I did and I still do not regret that decision at all.

I joined a local gym right away and started going to their group exercise classes. Love love loved the freedom. I would drop off both girls and then go the gym, come home and organize a section of my house, one at a time, cook and then go pick up the girls so they didn't have to stay in after care. Some days the girls wanted a break from routine and would ask to stay home and I would let them. We would take spontaneous days off and plan fun things - they took breaks from their summer camps after every couple of weeks and are now taking August off before they go back to school :) It was fun and relaxing for them too. I took them and their friends places - the children's museum, a farm, a local forest preserve and so on.

In the first week of August, my family descended upon us. We were 22 under the same roof - all the way from 9 months to seventy years :) I planned our entire family gathering from the food to the activities and we had a blast! :)

My Mama in law (Uncle in law) was hospitalized for open heart surgery and ended up having to be in the CCU (ICU) for almost a week. So I spent a LOT of time back and forth to the hospital and being there for them. Mama Mami have always loved me like their own daughter and I was glad to have had the time to be there for them in this difficult phase.Fortunately he is much better now and is on his way home from the hospital now.

I also joined a medical weight loss solutions clinic and lost about 12 pounds so far from diet - substituting food with their meals.

AND I did ANOTHER HALF marathon - it was more to accompany my cousin who is 64 years old and has turned into Forrest Gump since his retirement. He literally walks all day!!! He finished twenty minutes before me!! But I am so proud of myself - going from not being able to walk a mile to walking 13.1 miles in 3.5 hours this year.

R's school starts on Monday and slowly my summer break draws to a close. I really have lost my mojo, my ambitious drive for my career. I am not sure I want to go back to burning the candle at both ends. I love this luxury of taking care of my health, my children, my home. But we are paying about a thousand dollars per month for insurance and that is rapidly draining our savings. So a full time job is a must. Unless P finds one. I literally want to go to every temple and beg God to send an offer his way. That will be the cherry on the topping to end my beautiful summer break.

I want to remember this hard time to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel always, sometimes you need to light light inside the tunnel and keep walking until you finally get out into the bright sunshine.

Why is life so damn hard sometimes?

You know how it goes......you are going along, bitching about some minor thing, making a mountain out of a molehill and life dumps a thousand of the most annoying, frustrating little shit bombs it can find. Nothing goes your way. Its one thing after the other. Non stop! And you dust yourself off and stand up and tell yourself tomorrow will be better and tomorrow comes and knocks you down again.


I know life makes sense in hindsight but it would really really help to know what I am learning out of these punishing situations.


So I am going to make a list of all the shit and what I have learnt from it:
1. I have learnt that you can no longer trust a doctor completely. The family doctors of the past, the ones, who you unquestionably devotedly trusted, the ones whose medicines - the numerous small pills and the awful syrups brought you back spanking new in a mere two three days. Those doctors are gone. Today's doctors need to be looked at with suspicion, independent research needs to be done and their approaches need to be challenged and a HUGE hue and cry raised when you do not seem to feel better after weeks of trying their approach.
2. When life painfully pushes/nudges you in a corner and holds you down, when you are at your worst and feel your worst and behave your worst, when the chips are truly down; you know how many still stand by you. And the answer is painful itself. But I will remember those who did and cherish them forever.
3. Sometimes you really need to only think about yourself.
4. Good guys don't win, not in the end, not in the beginning, not in the middle. So its okay not to be so good to everyone.
5. If you were fortunate to find a good man and he stands by you through all the shitty situations, make sure to hold his hand tightly and never let go even if everything is disappointing and unsatisfying.
6. Some people turn on a dime; courage is very very hard and very rare. Very few people will stand up for the truth and to fight against the bad. Most will find it convenient to shut their mouths and go with the flow.
7. The things/people you thought you couldn't live without; your heart becomes resilient and somehow manages to sustain their void and moves on.
8. What's broken once can be fixed, but can never be as it was before. It is forever changed.
9. Health is wealth - such a generic saying, but never have realized how true it was.
10. Stress and worrying can kill


I have finally handed in my resignation and it has been finally accepted. Many people tried to talk me out of it, told me to hang in there until I can find another job and then leave or asked me to be patient and see if the situation changes. I have no more patience. I have no more energy.


Tomorrow is my last day. Today I got a call from a recruiter asking if I would like to do some consulting. I am not ready. I want to wait. But P still does not have a full time job. He is doing his contract work which is quite boring. I see the sadness and defeat in his eyes. I am not sure if he is putting in enough efforts to find another full time job. I am not sure if he knows what he wants to do in his life next. I am not sure if I have the heart to turn down a sure shot thing and focus on relaxing. I am not sure if I can enjoy my time off with this humongous uncertainty looming on us. I so desperately want someone else to be strong and say I am here, I will take care of you. But then I realize there is no one. No one.


I don't know if this will change. I don't know if it will get better or worse. I don't know why this is happening to me while apparently there are a zillion others who have things go their way. I am too afraid to remind myself that there are also a billion others who have far worse problems than me. I am convinced I will immediately inherit their problems. So I keep quiet. And smile. And try to push all my worries away. And try to not think negatively or positively because how much hope and pep talking can one give oneself, there is a limit! So I don't think. And I keep going on. And some day fate might decide to take pity on us and luck might smile our way.

Keep going, there is light at the end of the tunnel....

My boss is a 37 year old white female from Alabama, very obese (200+ pounds) and single - not that any of these characteristics have anything to do with each other but I am just capturing them for memory sake. She rolls into work at 9.30 in the morning and pretty much stays till 9.30 at night. Her job is the only thing occupying her life and she seems to not be doing a very good job of it so she is stressed and tries to work longer.

I think very few people can be gracious in pain. I know I have lashed out at everyone while going through my saga. Both my child hood best friends will not speak to me that often now because of my lashing out. I miss them so much but realize this is how it is. Partly because of my reaction and then who has time to put up with some one else's tantrums. Local bff is very sweet, very very patient and always seems to say soothing calming positive things without judging or giving advice. Its a blessing. For the folks who have stuck by my side, my husband's uncle and aunt have stepped in big time as my parents. His aunt treats me as her own daughter and is always providing moral support and optimism that this too shall pass.

So back to people in pain, I have realized that unhappy bitter people really cannot handle other people being happy. My boss rarely gives compliments, is extremely moody, does not acknowledge any work done and is mostly constantly frustrated or dissatisfied. I do not do well with frowning scowling dissatisfied people (lets forget that I have carried around extreme sadness and fatigue on my face for many months now), My boss and I did not ever seem to be on the same page and no matter how hard I worked, I could never keep up with her 12 hour work day expectation and fell short, which she very visibly portrayed to me. I have always been a top performer at work and the stress from this job started getting to me. I tried many different things and finally handed in my resignation.

As I am a constantly "exceeds expectation" employee, my resignation created waves - they were embarrassed to let a high performer walk out the door. For the past week, I have had people lecture me on how handing in my resignation is not a solution and how better leadership behavior would have been to tackle the issue and manage around it etc, others have expressed shock over how we will manage paying for private insurance (as P still does not have a full time job) and how I can deal with the risk of being unemployed, higher ups have asked to be patient and look for other jobs within and to continue with the same role until I can find something new. It goes on and on; I wonder if I make snap judgments and give so much advice to anyone? I think I mostly listen patiently without expressing any strong opinions. Need to remember this in the future!

I am looking forward to my last day at work, I am looking forward to sleeping in, resting, soaking up the peace. My right leg has numbness and tingling go up and down intermittently and it freaks me out in the back of my mind. I am terrified of something horrible happening to me after I quit and we are at the mercy of private insurance. Any huge complicated medical condition will finish us financially. But I push these thoughts aside and tell myself I am a healthy girl, this is all due to stress and once I allow myself time to destress and take care of my self, all these symptoms will fade away,

I am afraid I will never find a good job again, I am even more afraid P will never find a job he loves. I am afraid my health will never improve. P and I are both down on our luck and unable to cheer each other up or be positive. We simply have stopped discussing our fears with each other now. I yearn for a strong figure to stand up and say "Dont worry, everything is going to be okay". His aunt is playing that role and even though I would have loved to have P say those words, I am grateful for her presence and for anyone who will say them to me now.

I have decided to only think positive. Only think good things. Keep my face up to the sun and the darkness will have to certainly slowly fade away. Keep walking until I see the end of the tunnel and I am out in the bright sun light where balance is restored in my life yet again. Until then I will remember to be grateful for the good things that I do have and be optimistic for the good to come. Keep those good vibes coming, we need them.

No, I cant yet stop, I need to keep going....

So P had cold feet at the last minute; the thought of having to pay for insurance through your own pocket; the thought of neither of us having a permanent job. I don't blame him. These are all scary thoughts. So I brushed aside all thoughts of quitting my job and taking a break and instead worked a couple of hours on Sunday to make sure I was on top of things before the work week hit.

Every time I feel like now I have reached the bottom, there is a new low past it. I have stopped counting the lows and hoping it is the last thing. I am giving in now. Going with the flow. Not in a good way, one can only withstand so much.

I had my periods for the first time after my D&C. Blood flowed like a bright red downpour along with huge clots for four long days and nights. Just when I was beginning to think if this was serious enough for a hospital visit, it slowed down and stopped. I rejoiced, but for a day, when my right ear, under the ear, right side of the tongue started aching; I went to the doctor; of course the youngest most inexperienced doctor was on duty on Saturday, he calmly told me that I was going to have Bell's palsy - temporary paralysis of the face in which your face supposedly droops down and stays like that for months. It is supposedly temporary which was supposed to cheer me up. Bell's palsy or you might just have sinus pressure - its like saying you could die or not! I drove home in shock and broke down. I told P how I felt hurt that he had stopped looking for permanent jobs now that he had found his contracting gig. That had killed the last of my hopes of ever being able to listen to my body and slow down.

Decongestants, warm compresses and more tears seemed to cure this "palsy". Again I picked myself up, brushed myself off, told myself this was the last bad thing, now it will be all better. Got a new dentist who told me I had been nursing a root canal for long and admired my high threshold for pain. When your entire body is in different levels of pain and discomfort, you really do not pin point the exact locations of pain. I went to my swimming class and came home and took a shower and then realized my right pinkie was involuntarily trailing towards the other fingers.

From the past couple of weeks, I have felt that my right hand is growing weaker, when I am driving, I brush aside thoughts of whether I will lose strength altogether in my arm and have to stop. In the shower that night, I eerily realized how my fingers hurt, my palm aches, my arm hurts. Its like you stop and focus and those parts of your body start lighting up - singing in unison - I hurt, I ache, I am broken.

I am done. P feels awful that he is not able to give me the one thing that I badly need right now, a break. My parents cannot handle any more of my non stop saga, they have their own health issues, they cannot bear their child being ill. BFF #1 has always been able to compartmentalize people/situations/emotions - that's what makes her an excellent physician - she has stopped being in touch. BFF # 2 has no more energy and patience to provide virtual support. These are all people who have walked alongside me for 30+ years; they have let go now and are fading. My birth mother has finally given me what she thought I need - space; she didn't even call me when she was leaving from the US to go back to India. My birth father - what to expect from a man who never was there, is of course not around. My husband has his own demons to fight and feeds off my despair and is hundred times more distressed when I am down.

My grandma used to say this many many many many times during my childhood. You have no one. Except God and your birth mother. I never believed my birth mother who needed support and coddling all her adult life from her own mother could ever be there for me. So I used to tell myself God will stand by me.

I need to know that you are by me. I am ready for that miracle, please send it my way. I have had enough. I cant go on and I cant stop. 

Closing a chapter slowly

Sudden onset of breathing being stopped - in reaction to what, I still do not know - Check
Urgent care visits, painful shot, steroids - Check
Six seven months of feeling like crap, seeing the allergist every couple of weeks and getting prescribed stronger and stronger medicines - Check
New physician completely negligent in review of pulmonary tests - Check
Taking two asthma prescriptions + one rescue inhaler everyday - Check
BFF 1 suddenly dropped out of my life - Check (Yes, she had her own personal shit to take care of!)
Laying in bed evening after evening overcome with guilt at the sound of life going on downstairs - my girls eating dinner, chitchatting about their days, pretending to be asleep when they tiptoed upstairs, crying myself to sleep - Check
Deciding to quit job after obtaining bonus - Check
Mother in law hurting with words at every chance she got - Check
Little S peeing blood and painful UTI because no one paid attention to her when she watched TV all day long during summer when I was away at work - Check
Realizing I have been misdiagnosed with asthma - Check
Realizing I had undetected UTI and upper respiratory infection - Check
P losing his job - Check
Decision to quit job cancelled because in this country you need insurance - Check
Promotion new job begins - Check
Keeping up with stressful job and even more stressful boss - Check
Outpouring of advice, suggestions, stupid suggestions (you should pack a fruit everyday), moronic suggestions, preaching, "How you are an idiot whose life is falling apart and how we can impart wisdom to you because we know so much better" - Check
Putting on 20+ pounds with unnecessary medicines - Check
Getting a D&C done - Check
Doctor forgetting bandages inside me after D&C - Check
Frantic visit to ER to check for signs of infection after bandages left in - Check
ER nurse spilling an entire vial of blood on the floor - Check
P's awful job search with no luck - Check
Baba being diagnosed with Parkinson's - Check
Seeing Mom scared and worried and dejected for the first time ever - Check
Being alternately angry and missing my best friends - Check
Helpless - Check
Overwhelmed - Check

Screw this chain of events and lets reverse time and let me start with quitting my job - Check

I will hand in my resignation next week. Even at the thought of it, I feel like an elephant has finally gotten off of me. Like a thirsty person lost in a desert would guzzle in large tanks of water, I feel that I will soak in the rest and freedom for days.

R is worried if Mommy and Daddy both dont work, does she have to - poor kids burdened by big people issues - Check

But here's hoping that everything from here on are positive things to be checked off. Here's to hoping that the rest of this year will be one filled with peace, restfulness, good health and happiness. Please keep me in your prayers and send me good vibes!! Thanks!!

To my mother in law

I hate what you have turned me into.

I was always known for my compassion, my loving kind nature, my ability to nurture and grow strong relationships, my forgiveness and my empathy, my opening the doors of my house and my heart to whoever wanted to come in. I was known to be a good daughter, friend, wife, mother, colleague, employee.

I hate what you have turned me into.

I am now the evil daughter in law who will not let her poor old in laws move in with their son and his family. Every side has a story and I am too tired to tell mine. So I will accept your blame and will be your daughter and son’s excuse to avoid confrontation and to avoid taking responsibility. I will be burdened by your sad vibes, burdened by the paap of not fulfilling old parent’s golden year wishes.

But its either that or my sanity, and for the sake of my husband and my children, I too will be selfish just like you and work on feeling better and get stronger. And then hopefully one day I will be ready to let you back in, ready to let you knock me down again, just this time, I wont fall down but will walk away unscathed and happy.

When it rains, it pours...

I have to start again with last year, I have told myself again and again this year that I will let go of last year. And again and again I find myself revisiting it. Unable to let go.

Last year was an awful dark horrible one. I have been fortunate to have two such years and both coincide with discussions of my in laws moving in with us. Common thread! Last year my allergies reached a peak, I was misdiagnosed and plied with increasing dosages of asthma medications, coupled with insane stress at work and add a healthy dose of resentful in laws and my baby's health issues near about broke me. But I slowly put myself together; me and P found each other, we found each other's hands that we had let go just about briefly but we found us again and held tight. I decided to quit my job and take a much needed emotional and physical break. P told me to be prudent and wait for the annual bonus to be paid out and then quit. Everything was all set - Sonia rehab plan. On to peace and serenity and better fitness.

But then kahani mein twist - P lost his job. And I got a promotion. Some days I really think whoever is sitting up there writing our stories must have a mean sense of humor. To give someone what they do not want at that point of time, while taking away something, that someone badly wants at the same time.

So I had to shelve away my fatigue and to soldier on, to try to fling myself as much as I could in this new challenging opportunity, to keep up with a new environment, high expectations and higher stakes. All I want to do right now is to take a break. Wake up and make breakfast for the girls, see them off to school, get some quiet time, revel in the mundane routine of household chores, go to the gym, take an afternoon nap. A break! But not what fate has in store for me.

So I shake myself off, count my blessings, update my LinkedIn profile in a weak attempt to cheer myself up on my career success and try to keep my chin up. And yay, now I also have a husband who is down, who needs cheering up, who needs encouragement and positivism. Who better to do it than the girl who is emotionally drained. I don't mean to sound so bitter. I am so blessed, I am. I am trying not to be ungrateful, I just do not know how to deal with the sharp pain in my chest when I am trying not to think of my back to back day the next day or my aching body and ever present sore throat and the start of spring - marvelous wondrous warm spring and the allergies it will bring.

Last year also saw my parents suddenly grow older. My dad retired and also got diagnosed with Parkinson's about the same time. The man who is my rock has his own battles now. My mother who was an unending source of optimism and positive energy is now overwhelmed with keeping her husband in good spirits. My in laws are colossally bored - my mother in law has her own health issues and they have pretty much nothing going on in their lives. They would still love to move over in a heart beat but with no appreciation for the stress and responsibilities that we have, with jobs, bills and two little people to bring up and no willingness to be adjusting and soothing. So No they haven't moved in yet and yes, they are bitter from far away.

Sometimes life is like a mandatory question paper, you have to solve each problem, there is no option. There is no Oh, I don't feel like tackling this right now, let me just skip and move past. There is no moving past. Everything has to be faced. You can just delay some things over the other that's it.

Many years ago, when I was a little kid growing up, in those days and times when my Grandma would tell me how I had no one in life except God and my birth mother and my Mom would tell me how everyone was born with their own fate and to believe in myself; I would do this thing - look at myself in the mirror in my own eyes and believe. Whatever it was that I wanted. I spoke to myself in tough times and told myself that I will make it through. I tried doing it again, but I cant. I have lost confidence in myself. I cannot imagine a day when my body will not hurt, my mind will be at peace. But this is not who I am. So I need to find my way back to myself. To the strong sweet peaceful S, to be an unending source of positive thoughts and optimism for my little girls. I cannot give them what I had - a birth mother who was broken. Who no longer believed that happy days would come. I have to keep up the faith, I have to believe.

So I will shake myself off and take baby steps - keep at my yoga class, stick to fixed timings at work, try to exercise, try to get all my doctor visits and tests in and to figure out one test at a time what is wrong with my body. And then to forgive myself for crushing the dreams of my in laws to be NRIs and to let them hang out in their air conditioned comfort in India and ponder on did we really start digging a well too late in the game, should we have tried to foster some semblance of an affectionate relationship with our daughter in law from year one.

Forgive myself and let go. Forgive and let go. And keep putting one foot in front of another and soon I will be further along than I ever thought I could walk.

Broken but not destroyed

Its finally happened - I have reached my breaking point. My allergist and my general physician who replaced my brilliant long time general physician (he retired) both misdiagnosed me with asthma and prescribed inhalers, capsules, nose sprays, eye drops in increasing dosage as I did not seem to get better. Five months of taking strong medicines that you do not really need, has taken a toll on my body. Add to it, the building up stress from a long commute and a stressful job - I am talking about nine hours of being in back to back to back meetings all day every week; I cannot remember the last time I actually ate lunch in peace, it is mostly always with someone talking to me, or me being on a conference call or in an actual meeting or sometimes standing in someone's cube while eating my soup. Add to it the normal stress that comes with raising two young girls, running your own household with no support system and trying to make time for your relationship. And then why don't we also lather on a healthy dose of in law discontent and complaints.

I felt it coming, I reached out to everyone. I told my best friends, my husband, whoever would listen. I am tired, I am breaking. As luck would have it, one bff completely broke off communication - we are all in the same boat busy with work, home and kids and she has a very demanding job but she did not speak to me for weeks. Did not pick up my phone, did not call me back, did not want to talk. I lost a part of my familiar support structure.

Soon I did not want to talk anymore. Coming home and going to bed became a pattern and the guilt built up. Guilt of P having to parent on his own. Guilt of not having the patience to play with the girls or even read to them.

I am broken. It is very scary, this place that I have reached. I feel every emotion magnified, every sad thing hurts a thousand times more than it should, every worry causes hundredfold distress than it should. And the guilt is always there and overwhelming. And the tears are always there, ready to roll down. The girls watch TV all morning, I am filled with guilt but I also do not have the patience to sit down and play; I would rather finish some other chore out. And then it turns into fatigue and I want to go lay down, feeling failure at not being a good parent.

I went to India for a week and was surrounded, engulfed, tightly held in this warm, safe embrace of love. London Bff and India Bff, my parents, my cousins, my grandfather all held me and showered generous compliments, assurances and memories of the positive smiling strong person they always knew. I met my London bff after years and he hugged me tight every time we met, and every time I healed a bit. I am tired.

But I still do have a faint recollection of the person I was, I am and need to get back to. So I am slowly taking baby steps - finding an experienced general physician who was the first one to say that I might be depressed. He has ordered a plethora of blood work on me and I am waiting for next steps. I asked for three days work from home to relieve myself of the commute stress. I turned my back on a promotion and the prospect of a huge team and accepted a lateral move, with no direct reports promising better work life balance and calm. I cannot be this person I have become. I need to return.

As I start my journey of healing myself, I also need to forgive. Forgive friends for not being there. Forgive myself for not being there. Forgive in laws for harsh words said. And move on....Slowly but surely I need to return. 

Falling falling falling....

Sometimes no matter what, nothing seems to go your way. If you prefer A over B, B is sure to happen. And this pattern repeats itself in every thing. Each day you wake up and are rewarded with more things not going your way. You interview for jobs, you get rejected. You hope to feel better, you get sicker. You hope for good news, you get bad news.......And on and on.....

It is so hard not to give in to self pity and label yourself as "unlucky"; wallowing in your own self created sad zone and saying things like - so and so always happens to me, and God knows what else is in store for me etc.

But this is the time when you do not give in to that sweet relief of self pity. When its so much more comforting to lose yourselves in warm comforters and lay around listlessly waiting for the next bad thing to happen, is also the time when you need to shake it off and force your mind to count your blessings. Try to believe in a greater force than fate and that maybe this is coaxing you in a direction that you might not have originally considered. And might end up leading to a bigger better thing.

So here I am, I am trying. I am sitting up, I am ignoring the constriction in my chest, the breaths that don't seem to reach anywhere, the complaints from in laws, rejection from internal job interviews, the best friend who does not seem to have time for me anymore, the body that has no shape anymore and is achy all over, and I count my blessings. I am trying. God now can I please have that shimmer of sun light, can you please move the dark clouds around a bit? Just a tiny ray of hope that things will be okay soon?

I still got a lot of fight in me...

I went to my Yoga class today - everything was saying No, my body said No, my mind agreed but somehow when I came upstairs to change out of my work clothes, my soul said Go and I put my gym clothes on. The yoga instructor is just fabulous, the music is soothing and soul stirring and she cranks up the heat and burns eucalyptus oils and the whole experience just manages to heal me on many levels. During the class the instructor always reminds us to focus our awareness on our core and to hold our poses for a certain period of time and just be. And focus. So focus I did. I asked myself lovingly - What hurts? Once my body had settled down in the pose, every throbbing, ache and pain called out to me behind all the layers of pain. There is a mouth ulcer nestled between the fold of upper lip where it meets the jaw line that smart with pain. I was acutely aware of a throbbing deep within my left molar - something I have ignored for long. As I relaxed my face and gave in to the pose, I noticed the sinus pressure behind my eyes, my cheeks, my nose which together sang in a symphony of pain all day. I realized the difference in the various aches I felt throughout my body; while the one in my throat was a constant raging one, the tooth was a dull rhythmic throb, the pain in my ear was quiet and subdued, the pain in my face and forehead was tender. Various layers and personalities of pain. Each one demanding individual attention but together lose their voice and create a new pain - the one in my heart of despair.

As my mind calmed down and my body followed the instructions of my teacher willingly and with no thought of its own, I made little plans of tackling these individual pains. I hugged myself internally and wiped away my tears which flowed freely but never left my eyes. I told myself "This too shall pass, I will get better one day".

75 minutes just about flew by and the class was over. I stood up refreshed and left the gym. A broken Sonia with a repaired soul and a plan for her next baby step - Salsa funk class on Saturday. Life does not stop for anyone. Like the ocean's waves which flow back and forth relentlessly, the play of tides continues without fail - high and low; so does life go on. It never stops. And as I go through my hour long commute each way, and paying attention to my little people and hugging/kissing/cheering/feeding/bathing/cuddling/playing with them, as I go through work and come back home and pay attention to this glass and brick and wood structure of love and warmth - dishes to be cleaned, laundry, putting away toys, beds to be made, as I carve out time for the husband; life does not wait.....And all through this I make myself a promise - to the Sonia inside me who is sad and dejected, who hurts internally when she sees her pictures and refuses to acknowledge the puffed up mess she has become, when she looks at her once beautiful smooth skin and wills the bumps caused by side effects from the strong medicines she is on, to go away, wills them to disappear; I hug that Sonia and promise to nurse her back - slowly and steadily but one day she will be back.

On the way home, the Fight song by Rachael Platten was on the radio - such a good omen - This is my fight song, take back my life song....I still got a lot of fight left in me!! So all my sisters, wherever you are and whatever fight you are fighting, keep moving forward and even when you get knocked down your feet and picked up and deposited a million steps farther from where you started, pick yourself up and start again. Because one day you too will win.

One step forward and a thousand steps back

My fitness goals and me have not been on the same page lately and when I say lately I mean in a number of years - and when I say years I should even go all the way and say it truthfully - almost a decade! So here I am 30 pounds overweight for the last 6-7 years of my life. New Years have come and gone, india trips have come and gone, vacations have come and gone, important family get togethers and events have come and gone and I am still standing in the same place. Every time some thing is coming up - say an India trip in six months, I make sincere plans of working out and getting fit and losing weight and without fail every single time some completely justifiable event takes place and I am worse off than before.

Let's take this year - I joined a gym on my birthday in March, signed up for the half marathon end of September; we have a family event coming up this week. I worked out very sincerely all though March - about four times a week, waking up at 5 in the morning to get in a class before I went to work. All good until allergies and asthma hit in April and I have spiraled into this unending cycle of sore throat, body ache, head ache, sinus infections, fatigue, asthma attacks. Every time I feel better I try to return to my game plan. One day stick to plan; four days off of it. It is extremely de motivating and disappointing when you so badly want the jiggly fat on your thighs melt away and for your butt to not resemble a small country and yearn for the fit slim lean girl within you that you see glimpses of when you can manage to work out regularly. But no, like a bad curse hurled my way, I struggle to rise above the constant aches and pains and fatigue sessions.

People all around me keep up an unending supply of advice and recommendations. What this has also taught me is to be empathetic towards others - people who struggle with not easily visible ailments, to understand someone when they opt out of races/physical events, to not judge someone by their size and meanly think if they could just put down that coffee they might lose a pound. Because it is all a vicious circle - you don't feel good, you crave things to pull you out of the rut; for normal people who have to keep smiling/performing for your job/friends/family, you don't really have an option to stop and take stock of your life and to make sweeping decisions. Would I love going off on a six month retreat in the Himalayas where I will eat organic food everyday and do yoga and take strolls in the fresh mountain air - sure!! Do I have the money and is it practically possible for me to do it is another question?

So I do what I can do - one step forward whenever I can and to never let go of this quest to achieve fitness. Right now I am focused on finding out what is wrong with me - pulmonary function test first. Then to reduce medications then slowly get back to normal.

Are you a builder or a destroyer?

I am extremely fortunate to report into a VP - a working mother with four kids and a stay at home husband. She is extremely passionate about women's development and strives to create opportunities and provides guidance to all those who seek her out as a mentor. Every time I leave her office, I walk out a lot more stronger, taller, confident and happier. She has this way of recognizing where you are lacking confidence or doubting yourself and pointing out all the other 10999 things you are doing marvelously and in turn the self doubt moments of panic melt away in the face of accomplishments and challenges faced successfully and you once again are filled with hope that you can do it and this too shall pass. I have even spent an afternoon in her office, just sitting there, because she wouldn't let me leave. I was a hot mess, overwhelmed with things at home and at work, overwhelmed with dealing with difficult people both at work and at home and she just made me sit in her office to let me collect myself and that moment passed and I was once again strong. I am so grateful to her for providing me with a role model of a wonderful boss, a wonderful woman and a wonderful person to know in my life. You continually learn something from the people you come into contact with and she has taught me a lot.

I also have this other woman who I deal with on a regular basis now at home who is the opposite. She breaks me down. By belittling my accomplishments, by down playing the good things I do - through actions and mostly through words - careless thoughtless hurtful words. I believe every person is a product of their past and how they deal with it, the choices they make define them as a person in the present. This lady has many regrets - regrets for not having worked outside the home, regrets for not moving to the U.S. when she had a chance, regrets to not having the kind of support and attention from her spouse that she needs. And those unfulfilled desires and unresolved regrets manifest itself into criticism or undermining everything I do. There is no generous open your heart and breathe in fresh deep air, appreciate and be grateful, soak in every moment of this wonderful life with gratitude. She has also had her fair share of physical and mental issues (Is it caused due to this lifelong tendency of unhappiness and criticism?) that add to the sourness.

A friend of mine had a wonderful fortieth birthday celebration yesterday - she invited all of her close friends for a private yoga session with her teacher who she absolutely adores and revers. We spent the afternoon twisting ourselves into various positions, literally sweating it out and laughing at our lack of flexibility. The session culminated in delicious spicy crunchy mathiya paired with a cool yogurt dip that the teacher had made for us and a chocolate cake which we carried for our friend. The teacher then talked about philosophy and one of the topics was how we are all part of one energy and we came from it and will go back to it. This day/week/month/lifetime is just a drop in many countless others. In the wide spectrum of time and in the vastness of the Universe, we are just a tiny microscopic particle.

One of the things she also touched on was that there are no coincidences - all the people who are in our life, come and go in our lives are all part of a pre determined destiny. The person who is causing you grief today might be someone you had hurt in your past life and this is just karmic forces balancing out. If you want to stop this cycle and do not want to again be a part of each other's lives, stop retaliating and stop letting them hurt you. Make peace and let it flow over you and complete this transaction per se right here, right in this life time.

She also talked about the various stages of love - first and foremost self love followed by love for immediate family and friends, community and then followed by universal love. Self love is not limited to just giving pep talks to oneself or looking in the mirror and admiring oneself but it also means taking care of oneself and making sure you are physically, mentally and spiritually nourished - peace and happiness.

I see a lot of merit in that statement - only when you are truly happy and satisfied internally can u then avoid the traps of insecurities and be able to nourish others through your words, your touch, your actions. Remember all those people in your life - you meet them and you feel refreshed - there is so much love flowing through them, when you walk away you leave happier.

I am going to try to implement these teachings into my daily life now - self love - taking care of myself - giving priority to working out, reading good books and doing the little things that bring me joy without trying to fit some idealistic goal determined by other people of a good - put in what you want - mother, friend, spouse, boss etc. And to be that person who transfers peace, happiness, love and let everyone walk away from you refreshed and happier.