Miracles on the path of God

This book that I am currently reading also talks about visualising putting down your worries one by one at the feet of whichever diety/God figure you choose and then saying a prayer of gratitude and closing your eyes to sleep for the night.

I religiously followed some of the principles noted in the book, literally chanting to myself "Let go let go Let God" whenever my mind strayed to thoughts of my Dad, my birth mother, what should I do etc etc; things that have no resolution and out of my hands. I prayed and focused on the task at hand - be it at work or with my kids and gave my full and complete attention to whatever I was doing at the moment. No multi tasking of thoughts.

And then Monday night, at around 12:30 am my cell phone rang. I was so deep in sleep that it rang for a long time and went to voicemail. It started ringing a second time and by the time I realised it, it had once again gone to voicemail. I looked at the number, it was eerily similar to my Dad's. I called him right away, half asleep half scared; a phone call in the middle of the night only evokes fear to me, and he confirmed the number and said it must be his wife calling! And that it was a good thing if she is calling and that she wanted to speak with me.

I called her back. She seems to be a very nice lady. We chatted for a bit. She had been confused with the time difference and hadnt realised it was the middle of the night here. She had many things to say, but mainly she wanted to reiterate that she had no ill wishes for me or any anger. She needed time to adjust; all these years had gone by so smooth and now I was on the scene. She felt her husband had changed since he met me. And it had disturbed the peace and happiness in their family. And so in a way she had blamed me. She said she was ready to accept me into their family. We are going to chat again tomorrow, to continue our discussion. I was numb with shock.

I was half asleep and numb now. I didnt know what to say to her. I apologised for having caused any trouble to her and her kids, she immediately said "Dont say Sorry, you dont have to be". I really have no plans/wishes to be a part of their family - Do I need another mother?? My Grandmother, birth mother, mother and now mother in law are all called Mother by me! Do I really need another one? I dont. I dont need another family. I dont wish to disrupt their life in any way. All I want is to be able to call my Dad whenever I want to, call him up and chat with him as per our convenience, once in a while. That was all I want.

I admire her and am grateful to her for taking this step. It is not easy for an older person to take the first step. I have seen so many stubborn adults who will not budge or take a step out of their comfort zone. But what has amazed me over and above everything is the new path I had started walking down on. The book said try to let go and you will experience miracles. I let go and did experience a miracle.

When I went back to bed, I couldnt sleep. I forced my mind to let go of all the future day dreaming and what ifs and different scenarios and calmed it down - said the Gayatri mantra a few times and went to sleep. And I did sleep. In the past I would have stayed awake and tossed and turned all night or woken up my husband to share the news with him immediately. Instead I looked at my sleeping (snoring) husband and my beautiful children and was overcome with peace and happiness. And brought back to the reality of getting a good night's sleep to be able to face the day ahead. And sleep I did...

I dont know whats coming next...what this will mean for my relationship with Dad, will my birth mother ever find out, but for now, I am going to keep myself in the present, celebrate the happy things, tackle the uncomfortable and enjoy with my family.

Let go, let go, let God

Many things have happened over the past few weeks. My birth mother got diagnosed with oral cancer and had to undergo a horrendous surgery which she is recovering from now. Thankfully by the Grace of God, the cancer hadn’t spread anywhere else in her body and she doesn’t need any chemotherapy or radiation. How did she get oral cancer? We do not know. Chances are slim for a non smoker non gutka eater, but she still got it somehow. Her husband is going through a bad patch – he retired and then cannot handle the sudden void post retirement and is grappling with depression. My mother is in anguish over why her younger sister has to go through so much pain and bad luck and feels guilty over her own “good fortune”.

Now two things here, Yes, my birth mom had a rough start with a divorce and subsequent husband who came with a not so desirable family who have hassled her over the years. Yes, my mom has a wonderful husband, my dad and all her kids have turned out good etc. But there is also the extreme differences in attitude – all my memories of my birth mom have been her being the victim, forever agonized over the treatment of her relatives/colleagues/life while my mother has always been super positive and optimistic, always looking at the good in people and believing in a happy outcome. I am currently reading this book “Joy peace pills” by J.P.Vaswani. He says in that book that if you think good, good will happen. Everyone says that. I know it’s not practical in most situations but what about the other situations, can you at least hope to look at the good side of things? Or can it happen that some person is just constantly riddled by bad luck and oppression?

Can you put your faith in something or someone and believe that next time would be in your favor and trudge on.

My birth dad’s wife has again told him to break off all contact with me, he is super busy at work and he agreed not to check his personal mail when home. Which basically means our only mode of communication is curtailed. By their joint decisions, we will drift apart with very little conversation between us. He does call me sometimes when he travels but between our time differences, work schedules, the fact that I have two young kids to take care of; it’s very difficult to find time to chat. And weekends are off limits as I am only to be restricted to his office times, which again is most of my night here. I felt really bad, cried some, then angry over how unfair this whole situation is, then self pity over how I am not free to be in touch with my own dad, and now acceptance. This is their joint decision. I can do nothing to change it, I can however change the effect it is having on me and instead of being miserable and punishing two beautiful babies and a wonderful husband for the actions of people who clearly do not think of my well being sounds stupid. So I am going to let go let go let God, let go of everything and let God handle it for me (again by JP Vaswani).

I have realized over the past couple of years that I cannot make others happy if I am not happy myself. I do not do the role of a sacrificing Mother India well. I need to take care of my own physical and mental well being first and then only can I be positive and smiling for others. So I am letting go of all the stresses – the guilt and complaints by my birth mother to my mother about how I do not have a mother-daughter relationship with her and how I constantly misunderstand her; my delicate relationship with my in laws, my heartbreak over my birth dad; I am going to let go of all of it, put my faith in God and let him handle it. I will focus on myself – my health and doing things that I enjoy and being happy and at peace and then making sure my husband and my children also walk the same path and are happy and peaceful and smiling and positive as they go through their individual lives and stresses and celebrations.

If you don’t already do it, try it too; take one thing that bothers you and let go let go let God…

2013 Resolutions continued...

Communication is one of my strongest forte or so I would like to think. And another good/bad point of my nature is that I will do anything to salvage a relationship. I am not the person to cut people out of my life, turn my back on someone or walk away from a bad relationship. I hang on, keep hurting myself, lose my self respect maybe in the bargain but I hang on. Sometimes it’s for the best, most times I am just reminded over and over how little I am valued by that individual. But I still do not learn my lesson..

There is a show that I watch online – Uncha mazha zhoka. It is set in the 1800-1900s in Maharashtra when joint family systems were the norm. Many times entire families land up for a visit – most times a stay extending for months – without any advance warning. They are always welcome and absorbed into the daily routine of the local family. I always compare and contrast between that setting and my current one. Most of my friends are in the same boat too. We jump for joy and are thrilled at the prospect of loved ones visiting. But distant acquaintances or folks who have managed to push the wrong buttons in the past, cause instant stress and disturb the peace in the family, from the minute their travel plans are announced.

This is the age of texts and twitter, everythings faster and busier, everyones spread all over the globe, we are so busy in our routine and feel so guilty of having un productive days that we strive to fill every second of our and our family’s days with action items. Every long weekend that comes by, we try to go somewhere or make it special. Do you know of anyone who says “We do absolutely nothing on long weekends, we never take vacations or do anything fun with the kids”; I immediately judge such people in my mind... I digress…what I want to say is as families shrink and we struggle to maintain the daily balance of work, family, chores at home, time with kids without any family support in most cases (atleast here in the US), our willingness to adjust also goes down south. I will move around my entire sleep pattern for my baby in the blink of an eye but tell me to make an alternative meal for my in laws and I will lose it thinking it is so unfair and I am so tired. It’s the same for me in terms of friends – you meet someone whom you are not that crazy about, she irritates you, you don’t have to see her again. One can choose to maintain whichever size and composition of a friend circle they want and also the frequency at which they can meet. You have choices for all the people in your life, it almost seems like, at times. Except for your husband and your children, you can pretty much keep everyone else at bay (most times, most cases)..

For my personal peace of mind, I have to try to change myself. I struggle to become that person who doesn’t give a damn about every Tom, Dick and Harry she meets and the friendly warm person that I think I am, who wants to have happy people all around her. There is one girl at work. Sits in the cube next to me. She hardly talks to anyone and keeps to herself. She is a desi brought up in the US. I introduced myself to her on my first day at work and said Good Morning and Bye everyday. She would never take the initiative to talk to me but I would speak with her everyday. Off late she almost scowls when I say Hello to her. There is just the thinnest of an excuse of a smile and she mostly looks like it would be better if I stop talking to her. And today I was on the verge of asking her if I had done something to annoy her. I simply cannot understand why someone would refuse to smile and be nice to your co workers? I just cannot. Wouldn’t you like to come in to work relaxed and smiling? And I take everything personally. I think “Oh no, is it something I did?” when we have nothing in common except that we sit by each other. So it is time to let go. Every person I meet doesn’t need to be my pal. I just need to accept that and let go.

Last year I had written a few emails to my sister in law, asking her what was wrong, why didn’t she call as much, I felt like we were growing distant blah blah. There was complete silence on her end, she had ignored my emails. I had felt horrible, am I not even worth a tiny bit that you would not even bother to reply to any of my emails? I had cried, my husband and me had fought, he was like – why did you even reach out to her, there is nothing wrong and now you have created a problem for no reason, he finally called her to say why wont you write to her and then I got a short formal reply. I put myself in that position of trying to clear away misunderstandings and be closer. Maybe my intentions were perceived otherwise by her. I need to understand that everyone is different, people have different circumstances and sometimes the timing is not right too. I have given up now. I hate to give up, I had always thought that one day we would all be one big happy family. But I have stopped struggling to achieve that end vision of happiness – according to me. We talk nicely to each other, when she visits, we have fun and that should suffice for now. Maybe sometime in the future, she might think I am a good person and like me. In the meantime I need to stop pestering her and stop festering in my mind about how I can work on this relationship.

It’s the same with my Dad, my in laws, my birth mother; all the relationships which need work and where every word I say is somehow misconstrued, there is mistrust and clouded judgment, no matter how genuine the efforts are to try to get closer. I need to change myself. Let go of that ideal state in my mind, because whats ideal for me might be a pain in the butt for the other. Every person has their own views and definitions and expectations of what a close relationship entails. For some, it can mean a daily phone call and sharing of every happiness and sorrow and for others, it could mean a phone call in six months. I need to let go. So 2013 onwards is all about changing me. I will not go out of my way for people who seem to cause pain to me, who do not take the time to value me; I will not give them undue importance and allow them to control my feelings and thoughts. I will instead redirect all that energy into my current fulfilling relationships and enjoy and be at peace..

New year resolutions - a series...

As cliché as New Year resolutions might sound, I love the idea of a fresh start. The first of every month, the first of the week, the first of anything; I am a sucker for fresh starts. It feels like you have an opportunity to improve things and get to a happier place sooner.

So here are my New Year resolutions: Of course my birth dad needs to feature on my list; we have been in touch for almost 2 years now. It’s a long enough time for me to finally open my eyes and see the trend. See the actions and not just believe the words. I am but a hobby for him. I do not even know if hobby is the right word. Hobbies can be shared or proudly flaunted with others. I am his shameful hobby maybe. When he has time, he is in the mood, whatever drives him guilt, charity; he writes loving emails to me. He has restricted me to a virtual world, a relationship completely controlled by his whims. He has had multiple opportunities to share the good news (good news in my eyes) with his family and close friends that he has found his first born. And at every single occasion, he has turned away, choosing to keep me hidden. Not wanting to disturb his routine. I cannot call him when I please, I have to write to him and then wait for him to reply back. Sometimes its weeks before he replies and I am in the dark the whole time. I have no idea if he is dead or alive, disinterested or left….he insists we have a father-daughter relationship when this is best a cordial formal distant relationship. And I have finally realized that I do not matter to him. I am nobody in his life and he has no intentions to change it ever. I was making a mistake comparing our relationship to the other father-daughters in my life, hell even his life – he and his daughter. That was my folly. We are not; he was merely the cause of my birth. My birth mother had walked out in her early stages of pregnancy, there must not have been any celebration of pregnancy, of my life starting for him, that celebration was shrouded by the pain and insult of his wife leaving him. He turned his back on me and never looked back. Never tried to find me, never inquired of my well being until I contacted him. One of Albus Dumbeldore’s famous quotes from the Harry Potter series is “It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities”. My birth Dad is well known, a pioneer in his field, well respected and loved by many, but to me, he will always remain the guy who chose to walk away again and again.

My resolution for next year and forward is to stop the tears and the expectation and accept the reality – only because you fathered a girl doesn’t mean you are a father. My father has shown me a million times and over how someone can be a father without being genetically linked. My gentle, loving, down to earth unassuming father, who didn’t forbid me from being in touch with my birth Dad, who let me go do what my heart pleased, has taught me the power of unconditional love and parenting. I owe it to my family to stop crying and getting depressed over someone who will not treat me right.

Baby steps to always being happy

Forgive yourself - Do it quick and immediate. We are sometimes our most harsh critics and by voicing out loud our critical opinions about ourselves, we sometimes tend to get our audience bought into it too. Then somehow we also attach tags to ourself - Sonia is too emotional, this always happens to Sonia and so on. Then one day we start believing those tags and alter our behavior in anticipation of it, I always fail at this so I am going to try half hearted....get my gist.

So my first step is going to be to forgive myself...

We had gone on a wonderful trip to visit my best friend since high school and her family. We returned late night Sunday and Monday somehow R convinced me that she was too tired to go to school so all the three of us lolled around at home and generally did nothing the whole day. Tuesday dawned bright and early and I packed R's ballet stuff thinking in my mind its Monday (she has her class on Monday evenings after school closes). On Tuesday I realised my mistake in the nick of time and P rushed over to pick her up before the school closed its gates. I was beside myself. I thought "Shit, I am such an idiot. Nowadays I do not remember anything. How could I mix up simple days? Now she has missed a ballet class that we paid good money for? Now she might fall behind the class. She must be so upset to be the last kid to be picked up from school. I am good for nothing. I dont have a job. I am fat!!! And then I thought Whoaaa how did I even reach on this sob trip!! So I forgave myself quick. I said to myself that this was a small thing, my children were safe and it could happen to anyone. I forgave myself and moved on and spared me the self pity trip and back :) I have also realised that if you tell someone in a self derogatory tone - See, how I behaved. Then it prompts the other well meaning person - husband/friend/family member to give you golden words of advice on how to manage your schedule better, how you should be stress free and also words on how to be happy. So laugh at yourself, most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF and MOVE ON...

My first step to always being happy :))

God's favorite student?

I think I might just be God's favorite student, the one who he wants to learn all the lessons. The second I judge someone or smirk at someone's weakness, its just a matter of time and I have to endure the same circumstances to test my patience, my optimism and my strength. Karma is a bitch, they say, but why do I see such a quick turnaround while others might wait a lifetime to get whats due to them. And for some lucky some, it even transcends into another lifetime. Why me? Let me give some examples:

1) My father in law has a long list of self prescribed dietary restrictions, some supposedly medical, some mental, some psychological. He doesnt want to eat anything with seeds in it - the skin and seeds of tomatoes need to be removed, seeds of chillies, seeds of cucumbers; he will not eat eggplants, green peppers, spinach, okra and he is a staunch vegetarian. Everytime my in laws have visited, cooking transforms into a headache for me. Between his dietary limitations and my mother in law's pickiness, its hard to choose an easy convenient menu. I have gotten upset over it internally for days sometimes during their six month visits. So I learn a lesson on allergies and avoiding certain foods. During my pregnancy with S, I developed numerous allergies - pears, apples, bananas, carrots, cucumbers, many things went on my non tolerance listing to the extent that I still do not eat fruit salads..Isnt this a lesson learnt on tolerance and patience? I now have a renewed tolerance towards people's food choices and reluctance to eat certain foods for their general well being.

2)Second example: I used to get annoyed with my birth mother for being weak. In my eyes, everytime at the slightest hint of obstacles, she would be a heap of tears leaning on my grandmother for support. I would be annoyed that she is not mentally strong, how does one become prone to depression. There was also a time when my mother in law was taking some medicines and had side effects to them. She was constantly tired and had lost strength in her arms and legs and would be insecure and unsatisfied. Now her health is much better and in turn her attitude is much better too. I would be irritated at the lack of strength displayed by these women at times. Then comes this year, a year in which my own strength was questionable. Doctors had no clear diagnosis, everyone blamed everything on allergies, stress - do yoga, do this and do that. I was taking prescription asthma medicines when I didnt have asthma. I had horrible side effects - inability to sleep, depression and fatigue. As I lay on the sofa defeated and trying hard to stay positive, I developed a new tolerance towards these two people in my life. And realised that people behave as they do because of the situations they are in and one should never be quick to judge. I am now afraid to judge anyone because in my mind I have convinced myself that the second I judge, I will be in that situation. So I think I have become a much better person then :) Sometimes you learn lessons the hard way. Maybe I have also become a boring person because when someone says something like - Kids should never ever be fed candy ever in their life, the earlier me would have rolled her eyes and been like whats up her ass? The new improved me goes "Oh good for you" and moves on. Rambling post...it was lying in my drafts and I had to publish it...One day I aim to be fit and strong and awesome figure and such, and I want this post to be a reminder of what I have gone through so I can still stay kind to others.

I am back!

How are you??.

What was I busy with?.

Vertigo, repeated episodes of eye infections - steroids, no contacts, eye drops, rinse and repeat, severe severe allergies - body ache, flu symptoms without the flu, fatigue, tightness in chest, difficulty breathing, one hour one way commutes, two young children, daycares and nannies, house guests and vacations...And now I am on a break. I need to regroup mentally and physically. I have been constantly sick with allergies for over six months, lying on the sofa in the evenings on most days. This is not how I want to live the rest of my life. So now is the time for change..

My mother, in my new campaign for change, suggested that I also add 2 more resolutions to it - To put myself first and To learn to say No. I have a long list running already..

As I logged on to Blogger after God knows how many months, I ran through my earlier posts - most of them are sad. Once upon a time I was a happy smiling person - always. Now I am a tired prone to depression person. I really need to get back to that ever smiling me. This is going to be my journey back to happiness, the pursuit of happiness..

Best friend S said that I should continue blogging, it seemed to be an outlet for my worries and I could unload here. She is right. I do feel a lot composed when I write. No one can sue me for being a whiny brat. So I am back! How have you been?