Many years back, we were newly married and I moved from living in an 850 sq feet apartment in bustling Mumbai with my parents, sister and grandmother to a 1600 sq feet townhome in an area quiet as a cemetery. No matter what window I looked out of, apart from lush green lawns and a beautiful lake and a road, I couldn’t see anything else. Add to it, the fact that I am a major darpok, and whenever P would leave for work, I would be terrified even during the day! So you can imagine my condition when he started traveling for work! I have spent many a sleepless nights imagining horrible serial killers and rapists suffocating and torturing me.
Finally I realized I have to turn to myself to make me strong, I started reading the Seven Habits of Highly Effective people and willed myself to make those changes in my attitude and my life. In one of my management classes, the professor defined Fear as Fantasized evidence appearing real. Isn’t this definition awesome? It’s so true!! Sometimes you freak yourself out so much over something not real or which has not yet happened that you truly experience the emotions of that terrible thing happening to you. You know how there are those stress management techniques via which you imagine your stressful situation and mentally walk through it – like presenting before an important audience etc and then the technique promises you to be calm and prepared for the actual event. I have used it many times with success but feel that it can’t be applied to fantasy fear situations; then it just depresses and freaks you out even more. Anyways I tried and tried and it helped and slowly I got better with handling my fears and actually even started sleeping through the nights peacefully.
Until you experience something worse than your current troubles, your current woes seem the world to you, don’t they? It’s so true, when they say – what doesn’t kill you just makes you stronger, but again that’s true if you let it make you stronger, if you choose to sulk and mope around and wallow in self pity and not learn something from it, dust yourselves off and stand up and walk again, it’s never going to make you stronger. Well, I became a stronger person by taking the first step – learning to adjust to solitude. From being someone who was never ever alone even for a second in her life, I went to being alone for days on end. And I survived….
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Anger management
is what I am lacking today.....
I have been coughing all night and day for the past week and I have just had it....every little thing and every idiot remark is setting me off. I have NO patience left to deal with anyone. I am MAD at:
1) My idiot doctor for not prescribing antibiotics even after I specifically begged him for them.
2) My daughter's daycare for ripping me off - she transitioned from two's room to preschool and they didnt change the amount they were charging in the system and lazy me didnt change my autopayments so I have been consistently paying more for the past month and so, and NOW they say they cant do anything about the past. I know past is irreversible in real life, but in computer systems payments life, it shouldnt be. Hmmphhh
3) P, because he keeps reminding me about my swimming class and as Tuesdays and Thursdays come and go, I try to muster strength to don my newly acquired "fat girl" swimsuit, a modest skirt and top to cover my yuccccccccccccky fatladen body and then realise that I would rather lie on the sofa coughing and blowing my nose than go swim :( There go the fees...
4) The fact that I am overweight - how did that happen? :( In my mind I am so slim and sexy :((
5) memories of my in laws's stays with us and how I cringe at the thought of them visiting again and then again, I do want us all to be a Hum Saath saath hain type family
6) myself, I want to do so much at work and be all Superwoman incarnate but everyday as five o clock rolls around, I wonder what I accomplished all day :((
7) myself and P, for letting R watch so much TV when we all come home from daycare and work but then again, when you are not feeling well, its so convenient to let Mickey Mouse Clubhouse do your work for you.
8) the lunch lady, who charged me for a meat sandwich when I had a veggie one; granted the difference is only a couple of bucks but still...the unfairness of it all :(
Siggggggh, what a relief!! Felt so much better and made me realise that the root of all my problems is my diminished physical condition so the minute my cough and cold gets better, I will be all smiling and sweet again :))) Thanks bloggie..
I have been coughing all night and day for the past week and I have just had it....every little thing and every idiot remark is setting me off. I have NO patience left to deal with anyone. I am MAD at:
1) My idiot doctor for not prescribing antibiotics even after I specifically begged him for them.
2) My daughter's daycare for ripping me off - she transitioned from two's room to preschool and they didnt change the amount they were charging in the system and lazy me didnt change my autopayments so I have been consistently paying more for the past month and so, and NOW they say they cant do anything about the past. I know past is irreversible in real life, but in computer systems payments life, it shouldnt be. Hmmphhh
3) P, because he keeps reminding me about my swimming class and as Tuesdays and Thursdays come and go, I try to muster strength to don my newly acquired "fat girl" swimsuit, a modest skirt and top to cover my yuccccccccccccky fatladen body and then realise that I would rather lie on the sofa coughing and blowing my nose than go swim :( There go the fees...
4) The fact that I am overweight - how did that happen? :( In my mind I am so slim and sexy :((
5) memories of my in laws's stays with us and how I cringe at the thought of them visiting again and then again, I do want us all to be a Hum Saath saath hain type family
6) myself, I want to do so much at work and be all Superwoman incarnate but everyday as five o clock rolls around, I wonder what I accomplished all day :((
7) myself and P, for letting R watch so much TV when we all come home from daycare and work but then again, when you are not feeling well, its so convenient to let Mickey Mouse Clubhouse do your work for you.
8) the lunch lady, who charged me for a meat sandwich when I had a veggie one; granted the difference is only a couple of bucks but still...the unfairness of it all :(
Siggggggh, what a relief!! Felt so much better and made me realise that the root of all my problems is my diminished physical condition so the minute my cough and cold gets better, I will be all smiling and sweet again :))) Thanks bloggie..
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Honestly speaking...
My first ever award (for writing)!!! It was a Miss Universe type moment when I logged on to my computer and went to one of my favorite blogs to read and saw this award given to me...Thank you so much dear Roops!! I am SO thrilled!! The award says to write down ten honest things about oneself so here goes...
1) I got married to my husband within a week of saying Yes to the rishtaa and realised what I was doing on the day of my marriage; result: looking terrified and unsmiling in ALL my wedding pictures :(
2) The divorce of my birth parents was final on my birth. I never saw my birth father and vice versa. At the age of three, my birth mother's sister and husband took me in to give me a "normal" family life; an act for which I am grateful every day of my life since...
3) When I was in India and in trying situations, I would go into the bathroom, look into the mirror, stare resolutely into my eyes and tell myself confidently that this is going to get better and project a future happy image.....worked every time.
4) Maybe becoz of 4 above, I believe in myself more than anyone/anything else.
5) I have this faded memory of a building uncle asking me to touch his pen!s; and this memory has awakened decades after the event, I dont know if its true or an overactive imagination.
6) I do not like odd numbers, if I am making a list and am ending on an odd number, I make up one more just so I end on an even number.
7) I wish I could get along with my mother in law and share a wonderful mother-daughter relationship.
8) I desire to run the full marathon one day
9) I am trying to get pregnant now and trying not to think about it much so that it doesnt lead to tears every time my periods come around.
10) I am terrified of losing someone, first it was my father and I would have nightmares over him passing away, now its the fear of me and my husband being divorced, ten years into our marriage, the fear is slowly fading away.
I would like to tag some of my other favorite bloggers - Tears and Dreams, Anna Parabrahma, Some of my thoughts - these girls write from their heart and deserve the Honest blogger award.......and anyone else who stops by and reads this post, after all I am not a very networked blogger and dont know very many, yet...
1) I got married to my husband within a week of saying Yes to the rishtaa and realised what I was doing on the day of my marriage; result: looking terrified and unsmiling in ALL my wedding pictures :(
2) The divorce of my birth parents was final on my birth. I never saw my birth father and vice versa. At the age of three, my birth mother's sister and husband took me in to give me a "normal" family life; an act for which I am grateful every day of my life since...
3) When I was in India and in trying situations, I would go into the bathroom, look into the mirror, stare resolutely into my eyes and tell myself confidently that this is going to get better and project a future happy image.....worked every time.
4) Maybe becoz of 4 above, I believe in myself more than anyone/anything else.
5) I have this faded memory of a building uncle asking me to touch his pen!s; and this memory has awakened decades after the event, I dont know if its true or an overactive imagination.
6) I do not like odd numbers, if I am making a list and am ending on an odd number, I make up one more just so I end on an even number.
7) I wish I could get along with my mother in law and share a wonderful mother-daughter relationship.
8) I desire to run the full marathon one day
9) I am trying to get pregnant now and trying not to think about it much so that it doesnt lead to tears every time my periods come around.
10) I am terrified of losing someone, first it was my father and I would have nightmares over him passing away, now its the fear of me and my husband being divorced, ten years into our marriage, the fear is slowly fading away.
I would like to tag some of my other favorite bloggers - Tears and Dreams, Anna Parabrahma, Some of my thoughts - these girls write from their heart and deserve the Honest blogger award.......and anyone else who stops by and reads this post, after all I am not a very networked blogger and dont know very many, yet...
Friday, January 22, 2010
Preschool Selection
When I shared news of my pregnancy with my colleagues, some of them had asked with concern and shock - Why did you plan a December baby?? Dont you know now she/he will miss a year of school!! Well I hadnt been thinking that far and now both of us are secretly happy she will be the oldest in the class, more so as she still behaves and looks like a baby. Anyways fast forward three years later, same colleagues were once again concerned and shocked that I hadnt researched preschools. It had been on my list of things to do - being a very conscientious Mom and all but it shot up to the top after being jolted by the realisation that school admissions are opening and peer pressure and all that....
SO P and I visited a private school to start with.....We opened the front door and stood in a dark musty smelling corridor for the longest time as parents dropped their kids off in classrooms, teachers glanced at us for a milisecond - so much for school security, when finally a teacher passing by had pity on us and tracked down the receptionist or school tour giver or whoever the smug I-know-you-are-dying-to-come-to-our-private-school lady was.
She started the tour with the gym where two gym teachers were making five whiny kids run in a circle. Next stop was a dinky bathroom - hot and sea shore smelly where we were informed kids had fifteen minutes to change into their swimsuits and vice versa and NO help would be given.
Next was the swimming pool where kids were seriously swimming laps and strokes like professional swimmers...I was still mentally in the bathroom, trying to sort through my memory to see if I had observed a dryer - how would R dry her hair? And then Ohmygod, look at this little girl with the long plait, I should ask her Mom how she dries her hair and other non specific things while the smug lady was telling us about their swim program and how kids learn to swim at three, know all strokes at four and are ready to participate in competitive swimming by five etc etc...
Then on to classrooms where kids sat seriously in a circle, another classroom where they worked on their own individual projects, daycare room, music room and so on. In 15 minutes the tour was done and we were back in the musty dark corridor talking about fees and when the application forms open and how we need to get in ASAP or we would be on the wait list and so on and on. Finally smug lady gave us a politely fake smile and we were off. Dark, hot, smelly and seriousness was what we walked away with. My first impression of this school wasnt very nice at all.
One of my friends used to send her kid there and was surprised why I thought all kids were serious and she tried to soothe my fears of changing in the bathroom and said they get the hang of it pretty well. This school is definitely different (and more expensive) than the normal preschools as they have swimming for 45 minutes every single day and then one activity each day - either gym, singing, music instruments, painting and something else. In the summer, they have field visits every Friday - petting zoo, water parks, Brookfield zoo, plays etc. Their learning program is based on individual capabilities so each child can do his own thing and like a GMAT exam, based on his performance, he gets an easier or more difficult activity to do. My friend said that a child could easily go through an entire year of school by doing nothing but pouring water out of one container into another and they wont force him otherwise. But they are all good swimmers by the end of school, no doubt about it.
Today I visited a church affiliated School. The receptionist was warm and courteous and she apologised because I had been standing there for a milisecond and she hadnt noticed me. The director of the school came to take me around and was equally smiling, warm and friendly. All the rooms were big and bright and colorful. They have a Home sweet home room with dolls and toy appliances and beds and what not. A farm with stuffed cows and what not. Big cheery classrooms, I actually saw children skip from one class to another. BIG teachers - yes while gym teachers at the private school were actually fit and young, these teachers all looked like good old fashioned honest high school teachers. I cant remember the classroom teachers at the private school, I was more focused on looking at the kids.
Director Madam was prattling on about their philosophy, Bible studies, Xmas programs, discipline policy - We teach children to Listen and Obey, Listen and Obey and on and on....Finally we ended the tour in a brightly lit conference room where she went over all the brochure information with her assuring me that in the first few weeks of school, they had plenty of Moms and Grandmoms volunteer to just have extra people around to wipe away the tears of children who found transitions difficult (you won my heart there lady!) and the tour ended with her giving me crayons, stickers and a coloring sheet for my baby (you have won R's heart Madam). I walked away thinking Ahhh this is how a school should be, now if only I can look beyond their Bible philosophy and Listen and Obey Listen and Obey drill.
I cant make up my mind - I am tempted by the private school with the promises of swim lessons and exposing children to different activities - music, painting and so on and letting them learn at their own pace while on the other hand the big cheery classrooms and the cuddly wipe your tears away philosophy pulls me the other way....What do you say?
SO P and I visited a private school to start with.....We opened the front door and stood in a dark musty smelling corridor for the longest time as parents dropped their kids off in classrooms, teachers glanced at us for a milisecond - so much for school security, when finally a teacher passing by had pity on us and tracked down the receptionist or school tour giver or whoever the smug I-know-you-are-dying-to-come-to-our-private-school lady was.
She started the tour with the gym where two gym teachers were making five whiny kids run in a circle. Next stop was a dinky bathroom - hot and sea shore smelly where we were informed kids had fifteen minutes to change into their swimsuits and vice versa and NO help would be given.
Next was the swimming pool where kids were seriously swimming laps and strokes like professional swimmers...I was still mentally in the bathroom, trying to sort through my memory to see if I had observed a dryer - how would R dry her hair? And then Ohmygod, look at this little girl with the long plait, I should ask her Mom how she dries her hair and other non specific things while the smug lady was telling us about their swim program and how kids learn to swim at three, know all strokes at four and are ready to participate in competitive swimming by five etc etc...
Then on to classrooms where kids sat seriously in a circle, another classroom where they worked on their own individual projects, daycare room, music room and so on. In 15 minutes the tour was done and we were back in the musty dark corridor talking about fees and when the application forms open and how we need to get in ASAP or we would be on the wait list and so on and on. Finally smug lady gave us a politely fake smile and we were off. Dark, hot, smelly and seriousness was what we walked away with. My first impression of this school wasnt very nice at all.
One of my friends used to send her kid there and was surprised why I thought all kids were serious and she tried to soothe my fears of changing in the bathroom and said they get the hang of it pretty well. This school is definitely different (and more expensive) than the normal preschools as they have swimming for 45 minutes every single day and then one activity each day - either gym, singing, music instruments, painting and something else. In the summer, they have field visits every Friday - petting zoo, water parks, Brookfield zoo, plays etc. Their learning program is based on individual capabilities so each child can do his own thing and like a GMAT exam, based on his performance, he gets an easier or more difficult activity to do. My friend said that a child could easily go through an entire year of school by doing nothing but pouring water out of one container into another and they wont force him otherwise. But they are all good swimmers by the end of school, no doubt about it.
Today I visited a church affiliated School. The receptionist was warm and courteous and she apologised because I had been standing there for a milisecond and she hadnt noticed me. The director of the school came to take me around and was equally smiling, warm and friendly. All the rooms were big and bright and colorful. They have a Home sweet home room with dolls and toy appliances and beds and what not. A farm with stuffed cows and what not. Big cheery classrooms, I actually saw children skip from one class to another. BIG teachers - yes while gym teachers at the private school were actually fit and young, these teachers all looked like good old fashioned honest high school teachers. I cant remember the classroom teachers at the private school, I was more focused on looking at the kids.
Director Madam was prattling on about their philosophy, Bible studies, Xmas programs, discipline policy - We teach children to Listen and Obey, Listen and Obey and on and on....Finally we ended the tour in a brightly lit conference room where she went over all the brochure information with her assuring me that in the first few weeks of school, they had plenty of Moms and Grandmoms volunteer to just have extra people around to wipe away the tears of children who found transitions difficult (you won my heart there lady!) and the tour ended with her giving me crayons, stickers and a coloring sheet for my baby (you have won R's heart Madam). I walked away thinking Ahhh this is how a school should be, now if only I can look beyond their Bible philosophy and Listen and Obey Listen and Obey drill.
I cant make up my mind - I am tempted by the private school with the promises of swim lessons and exposing children to different activities - music, painting and so on and letting them learn at their own pace while on the other hand the big cheery classrooms and the cuddly wipe your tears away philosophy pulls me the other way....What do you say?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Whats new?
I have a new job this year, exciting and challenging. And I spend time daydreaming - I think I am going slightly crazy because I find myself constantly daydreaming, daydreaming while I work, while I drive and when I reach home, I am mentally exhausted from my brain being overworked. I blame it all on 3 idiots, Wake up Sid - all these movies that I saw. I was reminded of my college/school days and I yearn to be back there - I love being married and having my baby girl but I want to feel carefree, single, with lots and lots of friends around me. Maybe thats what I need, need to get out and meet people apart from my usual circle of office, relatives and local friends. I dont want to grow up and I am going to turn 33 this year. It scares me, how did I get to 33, I want to be 22 again :)
Anyways I think what I miss most about being older is the lack of being surrounded by friends non stop. We always went everywhere in this huge group, hung out at college festivals, studied together in the library, I miss that companionship. Is it lonely as you grow old?
The bitter cold here makes it difficult to shake off the inertia and do something productive. There is this Zumba class in my local park district which I was thinking of taking, its so dark and cold outside, I have to pick up my daughter and go home, I have to fight off the inertia and go....I have thousand excuses for myself - I have two left feet, am nervous of joining any group exercise activity, its too cold outside, maybe I should spend more quality time with my husband and daughter but I should go, put my workout clothes on and go dance to Latin music. Maybe that will shake my boredom out :)
What do you do?
Anyways I think what I miss most about being older is the lack of being surrounded by friends non stop. We always went everywhere in this huge group, hung out at college festivals, studied together in the library, I miss that companionship. Is it lonely as you grow old?
The bitter cold here makes it difficult to shake off the inertia and do something productive. There is this Zumba class in my local park district which I was thinking of taking, its so dark and cold outside, I have to pick up my daughter and go home, I have to fight off the inertia and go....I have thousand excuses for myself - I have two left feet, am nervous of joining any group exercise activity, its too cold outside, maybe I should spend more quality time with my husband and daughter but I should go, put my workout clothes on and go dance to Latin music. Maybe that will shake my boredom out :)
What do you do?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Couch to 5K
Struggling to beat a horrible sore throat, I had to see my doctor twice last week. And get weighed on scientifically correct weighing scales. I am still in denial over my weight - it varied from 141 to 145 pounds. When I was full term pregnant, ready to deliver with baby R, I had weighed 146!! How is it that, 3 years since, I weigh the same !! And no baccha in my tummy at that :(
I kept telling myself its all that muscle I gained from running in the summer, but one look at R's birthday video where I viewed my enormous butt, which my salwar kameez which should generally mask everything and anything failed to hide, I have accepted the truth ! I am fat !! And I will turn into a fat 32 year old auntie if I dont do anything about it...
Then read this post of Broom on time about the Couch to 5K bloggers challenge :) and decided to join !! Yay!! This should give me the motivation required to work out daily!! Plus it helps, that I am taking days off till the end of the year starting Xmas eve....
So I have dutifully bookmarked the program's link and plan to run day one on the 24th :)
In other news, I have a new job - my coasting days are done, now I am flung in this big bad river where I am struggling to keep afloat, I actually think about my job in my dreams and at random moments at home. Thats a long forgotten feeling but its also a good feeling, it makes me want to wake up in the morning and put on my zillion layers of clothing and go to work....
Merry Christmas to all!
I kept telling myself its all that muscle I gained from running in the summer, but one look at R's birthday video where I viewed my enormous butt, which my salwar kameez which should generally mask everything and anything failed to hide, I have accepted the truth ! I am fat !! And I will turn into a fat 32 year old auntie if I dont do anything about it...
Then read this post of Broom on time about the Couch to 5K bloggers challenge :) and decided to join !! Yay!! This should give me the motivation required to work out daily!! Plus it helps, that I am taking days off till the end of the year starting Xmas eve....
So I have dutifully bookmarked the program's link and plan to run day one on the 24th :)
In other news, I have a new job - my coasting days are done, now I am flung in this big bad river where I am struggling to keep afloat, I actually think about my job in my dreams and at random moments at home. Thats a long forgotten feeling but its also a good feeling, it makes me want to wake up in the morning and put on my zillion layers of clothing and go to work....
Merry Christmas to all!
Monday, December 7, 2009
New beginnings
I am already beginning to feel positive about this coming year....yesterday on a Sunday I got on my treadmill again and remembered how, many many Sundays ago I had started to run - couldnt even run for more than a minute and had practised my victory sign pose from day one of training for the half marathon. Every time I ran - getting better with every run - improving my speed and stamina, I imagined myself running across the finish line and I did it finally !! I actually ran the half marathon !!
So yesterday as I was running and looked at myself - my stomach hanging out, my ugly love handles, my tired face and I was suddenly filled with hope as I remembered my training days, how you can accomplish anything you set your mind to, if you can believe in yourself.
So this is a new strategy I am going to try out for myself, I am imagining a slimmer fitter me running on the treadmill, doing push ups with ease, having a wonderfully smooth pregnancy and delivery and then our family having a merry Christmas with the twinkling lights and our pretty Christmas tree and the snow outside - our family with a new healthy happy baby.....Yes, I know thats going to happen, for sure.....Happy Holidays!
So yesterday as I was running and looked at myself - my stomach hanging out, my ugly love handles, my tired face and I was suddenly filled with hope as I remembered my training days, how you can accomplish anything you set your mind to, if you can believe in yourself.
So this is a new strategy I am going to try out for myself, I am imagining a slimmer fitter me running on the treadmill, doing push ups with ease, having a wonderfully smooth pregnancy and delivery and then our family having a merry Christmas with the twinkling lights and our pretty Christmas tree and the snow outside - our family with a new healthy happy baby.....Yes, I know thats going to happen, for sure.....Happy Holidays!
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