Dear Dad,
Its been a week of silence. I know you are busy but you were busy before too and still managed to write at all times. I dont know what has changed now. What I do know is that love cannot be forced. So I will let you be. And will also try to hold strong when you do write and not allow myself to forgive and forget and put myself in the same cycle of wash, drain, repeat and traumatise myself over and over. We are done. Thank you for saying all the exaggerated wonderful things that you did - about how much you love me, how you cannot possibly survive without me....I have not known any man as you. I am surrounded by men who are not eloquent of their emotions but exceed expectations in their actions. I have never met someone like you, who can wax eloquent, flatter and praise but fail miserably in follow through. You have turned your back on me a second time. If I let you do that a third time, I am the idiot here. So we are done.
I will try to forget you, try to forget the past 7 months, try to move on. One day when you are older and closer to your final day of reckoning, I hope you realise your folly, and I hope you receive no pardon for it. Yes, I am cruel that way..after all I am your daughter.
Will not say Love anymore,
Sonia
Showing posts with label Birth father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Birth father. Show all posts
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
A short lived affair
Me and my Dad connected in first week of March, its been six months so far. Uptil the past couple of weeks, he has told me he loves me in every email, for the past six months. He started saying it abruptly and he stopped abruptly.
Everyone around me, who is close to me, and knows about us has differing opinions. Both best friends are divided over whether he really is committed to me or not. Aunty says he will never have the guts to put himself up for scrutiny and review and possible defamation by disclosing my existence to people. P thinks I am expecting too much from a relationship which is not really that deep. He is very suspicious of anyone who says I love you on a regular basis. Yes, I have married a guy who is in touch with his emotional side ;))
Well anyways, what do I think.....what does that little voice inside me say? It says time to back off. We are both clearly at different places in our lives. His presence loomed in my life ever since 19xx, when I was born. All through my childhood, when I had to answer people's questions over and over - Are you and M twins? (even though there is no resemblance between us), How were you born in March and she in June and you share the same birth year?. When I told people over and over, ever since I was a young child, my parents are divorced, my mother's sister adopted me, they are my parents. Over and over, he was there, indirectly. I have grown up acknowledging his presence.
On the other hand, since 19xx when he walked away from the hospital after meeting me, I ceased to exist for him. He got married, had his own daughter (first born?) and son, had a brilliant career, went on with his life. He didnt have to answer to anyone or admit his divorce and acknowledge he had a child. For 34 long years, until I reached out. Maybe it is too soon. Maybe I cannot and should not expect him to be able to have the courage and the will to stand up and say - this is my daughter. But he doesnt and will not, and it does hurt me deeply.
For six months, I have watched us. Our relationship has not proceeded forward. Yes, he has repeatedly said how much he loves me, how he is never going to let me go from his life ever but at the same time he wants his routine life to proceed undisturbed.
He had gone to visit his old father - probably in his nineties, who said he thinks of me often. But did Dad say "We are in touch, she is doing well", No, he kept quiet and walked away annoyed with him. I see no inclination to take our relationship to the next level.
And I have been ignoring all the signs in my naivety. He has referred to me as his pen friend, has hastily told me not to put P on the line when we were scheduled to talk for the first time, has simply said he missed me in the picture when I sent him a photo of R and S rather than saying how beautiful are your daughters....countless small things which all say "I only care about you, I want nothing to do with the others in your life, and it doesnt matter if they are the ones you care about the most, intimately" and I will always be his pen friend. Someone to email to, when he has the wish and desire. An adoring willing audience to tell his anecdotes to, someone to turn to when he feels emotional and to say how much he loves me. But the fact remains that he doesnt have the wish or the courage to step up and go further. We were still limited to emails, we are still. I cannot call him when I wish to. We have to plan phone calls when he travels, and is away from his family, alone in his hotel room. We have no idea where to meet and how. I am pretty sure we will end up meeting in a restaurant in Mumbai where the risk of bumping into people he knows is pretty low. How would we meet in Pune? What would he say to people who stop by? Who am I? He doesnt have the guts.
I shouldnt blame him. The fact remains that he didnt reach out to me. I did. After four long years of thinking in the back of my mind. I was ready for this. He was caught by surprise. And then he has 34 years of catching up to do. We are at different places.
It is needlessly causing me pain. When two people in any relationship are not on the same page, that relationhip gets fraught with tension and insecurity. I have to readjust my expectations, open my eyes and wake up to reality, not hope and dream for impossible things. Remember that dialogue from some movie - Sapney dekhne chahiye, unki poori honey ki sharth nahi rakhni chahiye. Reach for the moon and you can grab the stars atleast. I had this vision of being reunited with my birth father and here I am, we are in touch over emails. It doesnt matter that my dream is not realised in the manner I wanted it to. It is realised in a different way. We went from complete strangers to being in touch. Thats a big step.
But now its time to let go. I can no longer torture myself by waiting for his emails, getting frustrated over why he cannot convince/explain his feelings to his wife and children, why they cannot be more accepting of our relationship, why we cannot go a step further in our relationship, why we are not at a point where I can pick up the phone and talk to him, simply because I miss him....there are many whys and no answers. Its time to let go and stop hurting myself.
I will not wait for his emails. I will not make him "Important person #..." right next to my family and close friends. I will not put him on my priority list. He is a reunited father. If he writes, well and good, I will reply back. If he doesnt, thats fine too. The whole point of my reaching out was to talk to him atleast once in my life so that when I am old, I do not regret never knowing my birth father. Thats accomplished, everything else is a bonus. Real life doesnt always have happy endings, it seldom does. Maybe he will regret his behavior and inability to strengthen our bond, when he gets older. Thats his problem. You can never turn back the clock, never erase the past and start all over again. I will not have any regrets. I tried, succeeded a little, failed a little. But now its time to let go.
I was never in a relationship with anyone but can now imagine the pain of a broken heart, of unmet expectations. It is not easy to let go, especially when you had to make such a big effort to hold on in the first place. Its like I had four years to muster up the courage to write to him, to open my heart and now I need to retract again.
All this also made me realise an ugly side of myself. Human beings always want what is not theirs, out of their reach, unattainable. I have spent my life denying my birth mother, her birth mother privileges. I have spent my entire childhood, wishing away the uncomfortable awkward divorcee child image, wanting to pretend I was born to my parents and I had a normal family. And here I am, trying to force an unwilling birth father to step up and accept his birth father responsibilities. Why? Really, you do not value what you have, sometimes.
I need to let go. Now if I can only find a way to ease the pain....Do I regret reaching out? No, I dont. I wanted to know him. It would have been nice if we had a happy ending but we dont necessarily have a bad ending. He wants to stay in touch. Its not necessary that both of us share the same thoughts on what staying in touch means. He is satisfied with emails, I wanted more. I have to step back and meet him where he is. And let go...
Pray for me, pray that God will give me courage to be strong and level headed and understand that people stand at different places, at different points in time. No need to be staunchly black and white and either cut him loose or hold on tight. There is a middle ground. And while its so easy to hate or love someone, its extremely difficult to pace your emotions and to stay uniform.
Six months of learning, six months of a life lesson...
Everyone around me, who is close to me, and knows about us has differing opinions. Both best friends are divided over whether he really is committed to me or not. Aunty says he will never have the guts to put himself up for scrutiny and review and possible defamation by disclosing my existence to people. P thinks I am expecting too much from a relationship which is not really that deep. He is very suspicious of anyone who says I love you on a regular basis. Yes, I have married a guy who is in touch with his emotional side ;))
Well anyways, what do I think.....what does that little voice inside me say? It says time to back off. We are both clearly at different places in our lives. His presence loomed in my life ever since 19xx, when I was born. All through my childhood, when I had to answer people's questions over and over - Are you and M twins? (even though there is no resemblance between us), How were you born in March and she in June and you share the same birth year?. When I told people over and over, ever since I was a young child, my parents are divorced, my mother's sister adopted me, they are my parents. Over and over, he was there, indirectly. I have grown up acknowledging his presence.
On the other hand, since 19xx when he walked away from the hospital after meeting me, I ceased to exist for him. He got married, had his own daughter (first born?) and son, had a brilliant career, went on with his life. He didnt have to answer to anyone or admit his divorce and acknowledge he had a child. For 34 long years, until I reached out. Maybe it is too soon. Maybe I cannot and should not expect him to be able to have the courage and the will to stand up and say - this is my daughter. But he doesnt and will not, and it does hurt me deeply.
For six months, I have watched us. Our relationship has not proceeded forward. Yes, he has repeatedly said how much he loves me, how he is never going to let me go from his life ever but at the same time he wants his routine life to proceed undisturbed.
He had gone to visit his old father - probably in his nineties, who said he thinks of me often. But did Dad say "We are in touch, she is doing well", No, he kept quiet and walked away annoyed with him. I see no inclination to take our relationship to the next level.
And I have been ignoring all the signs in my naivety. He has referred to me as his pen friend, has hastily told me not to put P on the line when we were scheduled to talk for the first time, has simply said he missed me in the picture when I sent him a photo of R and S rather than saying how beautiful are your daughters....countless small things which all say "I only care about you, I want nothing to do with the others in your life, and it doesnt matter if they are the ones you care about the most, intimately" and I will always be his pen friend. Someone to email to, when he has the wish and desire. An adoring willing audience to tell his anecdotes to, someone to turn to when he feels emotional and to say how much he loves me. But the fact remains that he doesnt have the wish or the courage to step up and go further. We were still limited to emails, we are still. I cannot call him when I wish to. We have to plan phone calls when he travels, and is away from his family, alone in his hotel room. We have no idea where to meet and how. I am pretty sure we will end up meeting in a restaurant in Mumbai where the risk of bumping into people he knows is pretty low. How would we meet in Pune? What would he say to people who stop by? Who am I? He doesnt have the guts.
I shouldnt blame him. The fact remains that he didnt reach out to me. I did. After four long years of thinking in the back of my mind. I was ready for this. He was caught by surprise. And then he has 34 years of catching up to do. We are at different places.
It is needlessly causing me pain. When two people in any relationship are not on the same page, that relationhip gets fraught with tension and insecurity. I have to readjust my expectations, open my eyes and wake up to reality, not hope and dream for impossible things. Remember that dialogue from some movie - Sapney dekhne chahiye, unki poori honey ki sharth nahi rakhni chahiye. Reach for the moon and you can grab the stars atleast. I had this vision of being reunited with my birth father and here I am, we are in touch over emails. It doesnt matter that my dream is not realised in the manner I wanted it to. It is realised in a different way. We went from complete strangers to being in touch. Thats a big step.
But now its time to let go. I can no longer torture myself by waiting for his emails, getting frustrated over why he cannot convince/explain his feelings to his wife and children, why they cannot be more accepting of our relationship, why we cannot go a step further in our relationship, why we are not at a point where I can pick up the phone and talk to him, simply because I miss him....there are many whys and no answers. Its time to let go and stop hurting myself.
I will not wait for his emails. I will not make him "Important person #..." right next to my family and close friends. I will not put him on my priority list. He is a reunited father. If he writes, well and good, I will reply back. If he doesnt, thats fine too. The whole point of my reaching out was to talk to him atleast once in my life so that when I am old, I do not regret never knowing my birth father. Thats accomplished, everything else is a bonus. Real life doesnt always have happy endings, it seldom does. Maybe he will regret his behavior and inability to strengthen our bond, when he gets older. Thats his problem. You can never turn back the clock, never erase the past and start all over again. I will not have any regrets. I tried, succeeded a little, failed a little. But now its time to let go.
I was never in a relationship with anyone but can now imagine the pain of a broken heart, of unmet expectations. It is not easy to let go, especially when you had to make such a big effort to hold on in the first place. Its like I had four years to muster up the courage to write to him, to open my heart and now I need to retract again.
All this also made me realise an ugly side of myself. Human beings always want what is not theirs, out of their reach, unattainable. I have spent my life denying my birth mother, her birth mother privileges. I have spent my entire childhood, wishing away the uncomfortable awkward divorcee child image, wanting to pretend I was born to my parents and I had a normal family. And here I am, trying to force an unwilling birth father to step up and accept his birth father responsibilities. Why? Really, you do not value what you have, sometimes.
I need to let go. Now if I can only find a way to ease the pain....Do I regret reaching out? No, I dont. I wanted to know him. It would have been nice if we had a happy ending but we dont necessarily have a bad ending. He wants to stay in touch. Its not necessary that both of us share the same thoughts on what staying in touch means. He is satisfied with emails, I wanted more. I have to step back and meet him where he is. And let go...
Pray for me, pray that God will give me courage to be strong and level headed and understand that people stand at different places, at different points in time. No need to be staunchly black and white and either cut him loose or hold on tight. There is a middle ground. And while its so easy to hate or love someone, its extremely difficult to pace your emotions and to stay uniform.
Six months of learning, six months of a life lesson...
Friday, August 19, 2011
The shattering of my heart....
Remember this...when a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? Similarly if your heart breaks inside and you cannot share it with the people closest to you, should one gather the pieces quietly and pretend its not broken??
From the past couple of weeks, I have this premonition, this nagging feel, know that little voice in your head trying to awaken you to reality....I have realised my Dad thinks of me only as his pen friend, someone to send emails to as and when he pleases, someone he can say I love you and write sappy things about how beautiful his wife is and how awesome his children are and in general how perfect everyone in their khandaan is. A captive audience, an ever adoring and forgiving girlfriend. But Dad has no intentions of giving any promotion to his love in the virtual world. No, in his mind, she stays right where she is. Yes, he agreed to meet me, but it was only after I threw a fit. Slowly I am beginning to feel that maybe it is a bad idea to meet. I am not sure. But then I dont even have the guts to cancel. What if I regret it? Who knows when my next trip to Pune will be?
His wife, his daughter, his son, his brothers, his nieces, his nephews, his career, his students, his employees.....where am I?
He writes to me when he wishes, it doesnt matter if I am burning with fever, or depressed over a job situation, he will be aware of it but he will choose his reaction. If he feels benevolent, I get sympathy and affection, other times, he admonishes me for making a big deal out of things. Is that how a parent reacts? My parents worry and think of me everyday, every day this week when I woke up with fever, and dragged myself to work and back and made time for my daughters, my parents thought of me and gave me long distance hugs. What does this man do? Not write. Ignore. Write emails which make me out like a overthinking emotional psycho - take rest, enjoy life....how am I supposed to enjoy life when all the four of us are sick here?
I have to let go and that is the hardest part for me. I cannot let go of anything and anyone. And especially hard to let go of someone who was never yours in the first place. People who lose limbs say that they still feel their loss - a phantom limb. I didnt even have Dad in my life in the first place. He is my phantom Dad. Then why cant I still bear his loss?
I have to make some hard decisions for myself. I have to change. I have to learn how to stop caring. I was fine without him in my life and I will be fine without him once again too.
So I have to resolve to detach in baby steps - first step is to only write when he writes....second bigger step will be to not wait for his emails....and so on, till the detachment is complete and he can once again go back to Mr.A from Dad. And then maybe sometime many years later, try to glue together slowly the pieces of my heart...
From the past couple of weeks, I have this premonition, this nagging feel, know that little voice in your head trying to awaken you to reality....I have realised my Dad thinks of me only as his pen friend, someone to send emails to as and when he pleases, someone he can say I love you and write sappy things about how beautiful his wife is and how awesome his children are and in general how perfect everyone in their khandaan is. A captive audience, an ever adoring and forgiving girlfriend. But Dad has no intentions of giving any promotion to his love in the virtual world. No, in his mind, she stays right where she is. Yes, he agreed to meet me, but it was only after I threw a fit. Slowly I am beginning to feel that maybe it is a bad idea to meet. I am not sure. But then I dont even have the guts to cancel. What if I regret it? Who knows when my next trip to Pune will be?
His wife, his daughter, his son, his brothers, his nieces, his nephews, his career, his students, his employees.....where am I?
He writes to me when he wishes, it doesnt matter if I am burning with fever, or depressed over a job situation, he will be aware of it but he will choose his reaction. If he feels benevolent, I get sympathy and affection, other times, he admonishes me for making a big deal out of things. Is that how a parent reacts? My parents worry and think of me everyday, every day this week when I woke up with fever, and dragged myself to work and back and made time for my daughters, my parents thought of me and gave me long distance hugs. What does this man do? Not write. Ignore. Write emails which make me out like a overthinking emotional psycho - take rest, enjoy life....how am I supposed to enjoy life when all the four of us are sick here?
I have to let go and that is the hardest part for me. I cannot let go of anything and anyone. And especially hard to let go of someone who was never yours in the first place. People who lose limbs say that they still feel their loss - a phantom limb. I didnt even have Dad in my life in the first place. He is my phantom Dad. Then why cant I still bear his loss?
I have to make some hard decisions for myself. I have to change. I have to learn how to stop caring. I was fine without him in my life and I will be fine without him once again too.
So I have to resolve to detach in baby steps - first step is to only write when he writes....second bigger step will be to not wait for his emails....and so on, till the detachment is complete and he can once again go back to Mr.A from Dad. And then maybe sometime many years later, try to glue together slowly the pieces of my heart...
Monday, August 15, 2011
When you love someone....
set it free, if it comes back it was yours...remember that saying..My Aai Baba have really practised it. God has been so so very kind to me. I have these amazing parents. I am extremely lucky. They let me go on this quest to know my birth father without even prohibiting me. Aai actually said she understood my need to get in touch with him. They are so secure and so full of love.
As I get to know my birth father better, there is no chance of me drifting away from my Aai Baba. If anything, I am even closer to them today. I am so grateful and appreciative of all that they have done, the values they have instilled in me, through their eyes I am the most beautiful, smart and perfect human being ever to walk on this earth. And that has given me confidence to last me ages, to last me through every obstacle, every downfall. The more that I talk to my birth father, the more I listen to this man, hesitating at every step to hold my hand, who proclaims his love at the top of his voice over the safety of the internet and is so very reluctant to acknowledge me in real life, that man, that quiet unassuming man, who is not connected by blood to me in any way, shines brighter in my life for me. My Baba and my Aai. I love you so much.
As I get to know my birth father better, there is no chance of me drifting away from my Aai Baba. If anything, I am even closer to them today. I am so grateful and appreciative of all that they have done, the values they have instilled in me, through their eyes I am the most beautiful, smart and perfect human being ever to walk on this earth. And that has given me confidence to last me ages, to last me through every obstacle, every downfall. The more that I talk to my birth father, the more I listen to this man, hesitating at every step to hold my hand, who proclaims his love at the top of his voice over the safety of the internet and is so very reluctant to acknowledge me in real life, that man, that quiet unassuming man, who is not connected by blood to me in any way, shines brighter in my life for me. My Baba and my Aai. I love you so much.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Affair with a married man all over again
This relationship that I have with my birth father screams "An affair with a married man" over and over. He had said he was free his morning, my night so I called him up dutifully. The first time I called, an automated voice lady told me in three languages that I was in Q and do not hang up. The second time I called, it instantly said "Your call could not be completed". He had asked me to call him when he would be home in Pune only because his wife was in Singapore visiting their daughter. So what has happened? His son came home unexpectedly? He had company? He switched off his phone? It makes me extremely angry to keep our contact hush hush. What exactly is he going to do if we meet say in a restaurant in fricking Pune and one of his ardent fans/followers or family members bumps into us. Will he push me under the table or himself hide behind a door until they leave? Should I even allow mysely to be pulled into this cowardly relationship. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Keep me on the side and say he loves me in every email but in reality, not even bring up my name in front of his wife and kids and keep them happy. But why, WHY should I allow someone to treat me like that?
I have a wonderful insanely wonderful father. A man who is not connected by blood to me. Who had a son and a daughter of his own. Who went out of his way, of his own accord, to repeatedly go ask his mother in law to give him custody of me. Who has never differentiated between me and his children. Who has never in his life ever said I was the child of his wife's sister. I was always his child. Everywhere.
Then why should I allow him to treat me this way. I was so looking forward to meeting him on my India trip but for the first time in my life, I feel like saying "Forget it, first muster up courage to own up in front of people about me and then we will see if we should meet".
I have a wonderful insanely wonderful father. A man who is not connected by blood to me. Who had a son and a daughter of his own. Who went out of his way, of his own accord, to repeatedly go ask his mother in law to give him custody of me. Who has never differentiated between me and his children. Who has never in his life ever said I was the child of his wife's sister. I was always his child. Everywhere.
Then why should I allow him to treat me this way. I was so looking forward to meeting him on my India trip but for the first time in my life, I feel like saying "Forget it, first muster up courage to own up in front of people about me and then we will see if we should meet".
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Venti
I should change the name of my blog to dukh dukh log as I tend to turn to it only when I want to vent!
Painful painful realisation. My birth father pretty much only thinks of me as his "pen friend" (Yes, that concept might have gone away in the eighties but he is 62 so have to cut him slack). He is very busy with professional and personal commitments and of late, I have realised that he only writes to me when he has time. I mean he doesnt make time to write to me. He writes to me when he has time. Isnt there a difference or am I just too clingy needy. Everything is according to his whims. He writes and I reply right away. He doesnt write for days, I wait patiently. Then I complain and say I miss you etc and he writes back. For once I would like to make him wait for my emails. So I am going to try it.
When P and I fight, P carries on a "Ignore wife to hurt her" then a cold war followed suddenly by a "Pretend nothing happened and carry on as usual" which signifies the end of the fight in his mind. I need discussion and post mortem analysis of the fight. And I always decide that I wont go talk to him first and always fail. Five minutes into the cold war, I give in and go yell at him.
So I dont know how its going to work with my Dad. But I want to protect myself from getting hurt. I dont want to love someone so deeply if it is not going to be reciprocated. I do not want to wait for someone if that person doesnt appreciate my patience or realise it.
So I will move him down my priority list too, he was right up there with baby S, even slightly above P and R! He goes down the list now. Until he writes a sappy email saying how much he loves me and I melt. Sigh!
Painful painful realisation. My birth father pretty much only thinks of me as his "pen friend" (Yes, that concept might have gone away in the eighties but he is 62 so have to cut him slack). He is very busy with professional and personal commitments and of late, I have realised that he only writes to me when he has time. I mean he doesnt make time to write to me. He writes to me when he has time. Isnt there a difference or am I just too clingy needy. Everything is according to his whims. He writes and I reply right away. He doesnt write for days, I wait patiently. Then I complain and say I miss you etc and he writes back. For once I would like to make him wait for my emails. So I am going to try it.
When P and I fight, P carries on a "Ignore wife to hurt her" then a cold war followed suddenly by a "Pretend nothing happened and carry on as usual" which signifies the end of the fight in his mind. I need discussion and post mortem analysis of the fight. And I always decide that I wont go talk to him first and always fail. Five minutes into the cold war, I give in and go yell at him.
So I dont know how its going to work with my Dad. But I want to protect myself from getting hurt. I dont want to love someone so deeply if it is not going to be reciprocated. I do not want to wait for someone if that person doesnt appreciate my patience or realise it.
So I will move him down my priority list too, he was right up there with baby S, even slightly above P and R! He goes down the list now. Until he writes a sappy email saying how much he loves me and I melt. Sigh!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Random things
I talked to Dad everyday for almost a week when he was traveling. It so worked out that he was out of town on his birthday too so I could wish him on his birthday. It was very very nice. Made us even closer, made me trust him and love him even more.
I had never in my life thought about how life would have been if my birth mother would never have gotten divorced etc. Because I was content in my life with my family - when I was in Mumbai, I could pretend I was not the child of divorced parents, I was a part of a healthy normal happy family. So I never imagined hypothetical situations until now....After getting to know my Dad, I see both of them individually and think about how awesome they would have been together. They started out as a great match for each other and then it was cut short cruely. What happened, could it have been avoided, who was at fault here? Who knows? Sometimes I think destiny dictates behavior? Sometimes even though it might seem like you are this close to breaking up or falling out, you magically hold on somehow and get through the storm. And sometimes it doesnt take much to break apart.
I had never asked any of my family anything about the divorce. I asked my Dad all the questions I had and I am grateful to him for answering every single of my questions. He told me the facts, didnt get into details or blame anyone or defend himself. They were together for 3-4 months after which my grandma took her away. He didnt talk about what was so bad that she had to leave. I dont know if he clearly knows. My parents dont know. One person can tell me but I dont dare ask her. And then why does it matter now, after all these years. They have all moved on, atleast on the surface of things. I have my own theory but it doesnt matter anymore..
I am truly blessed though. Things could have gone horribly wrong for me, every step I took could have led me to a different destination, but somehow everything turned out right for me. Just for that I will try not to crib/whine about routine stresses or worries from now on. God has been with me, watched me and done whats best for me on the bigger milestones of my life. I should look at the bigger picture and not sigh over the smaller obstacles.
I have booked tickets to travel to India in Dec. I told him about it, I will not ask to meet. Its his decision. I had brought up the topic a couple of times before and everytime he seemed hesitant, said that he wants everyone to be happy with our reunion and we should be patient. What is the motivation for his family to get excited about me? He will not bring up the topic or discuss any of his feelings with them, they do not ask questions, life goes on as usual. Who likes to stir up drama in their smooth life? Why would they bend over backwards and accept this additional member into their family? I can think of many reasons as to why not? But there are equal reasons to why should they? So I will not press on that matter. When the day comes, that he cannot bear the thought of not meeting me, when I am in the same city, he will take the steps required to make sure his wife and kids are happy and welcoming.
I am going to meet G :) Anyone else around to meet in Pune? :)
I had never in my life thought about how life would have been if my birth mother would never have gotten divorced etc. Because I was content in my life with my family - when I was in Mumbai, I could pretend I was not the child of divorced parents, I was a part of a healthy normal happy family. So I never imagined hypothetical situations until now....After getting to know my Dad, I see both of them individually and think about how awesome they would have been together. They started out as a great match for each other and then it was cut short cruely. What happened, could it have been avoided, who was at fault here? Who knows? Sometimes I think destiny dictates behavior? Sometimes even though it might seem like you are this close to breaking up or falling out, you magically hold on somehow and get through the storm. And sometimes it doesnt take much to break apart.
I had never asked any of my family anything about the divorce. I asked my Dad all the questions I had and I am grateful to him for answering every single of my questions. He told me the facts, didnt get into details or blame anyone or defend himself. They were together for 3-4 months after which my grandma took her away. He didnt talk about what was so bad that she had to leave. I dont know if he clearly knows. My parents dont know. One person can tell me but I dont dare ask her. And then why does it matter now, after all these years. They have all moved on, atleast on the surface of things. I have my own theory but it doesnt matter anymore..
I am truly blessed though. Things could have gone horribly wrong for me, every step I took could have led me to a different destination, but somehow everything turned out right for me. Just for that I will try not to crib/whine about routine stresses or worries from now on. God has been with me, watched me and done whats best for me on the bigger milestones of my life. I should look at the bigger picture and not sigh over the smaller obstacles.
I have booked tickets to travel to India in Dec. I told him about it, I will not ask to meet. Its his decision. I had brought up the topic a couple of times before and everytime he seemed hesitant, said that he wants everyone to be happy with our reunion and we should be patient. What is the motivation for his family to get excited about me? He will not bring up the topic or discuss any of his feelings with them, they do not ask questions, life goes on as usual. Who likes to stir up drama in their smooth life? Why would they bend over backwards and accept this additional member into their family? I can think of many reasons as to why not? But there are equal reasons to why should they? So I will not press on that matter. When the day comes, that he cannot bear the thought of not meeting me, when I am in the same city, he will take the steps required to make sure his wife and kids are happy and welcoming.
I am going to meet G :) Anyone else around to meet in Pune? :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
And we talked...
My birth father (Dad) and me, for the first time ever in our lives! He is traveling and is away from his family and can talk at length and freely.
It felt nice, my heart was racing when I called him. But then the tension dissipated. I cannot wait to talk to him again.
But it still feels like having an affair with a married man. He cannot talk to me from his city because he doesnt want to chat in front of his wife and kids. He is unsure of their reaction. I dont know where we are headed. We are so close virtually and now we are talking. If I visit India, will we meet? Where would we meet? I dont know.
For now, I have decided not to dwell over all those things and enjoy the present. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be in touch with him and here I am, talking to him.
It felt nice, my heart was racing when I called him. But then the tension dissipated. I cannot wait to talk to him again.
But it still feels like having an affair with a married man. He cannot talk to me from his city because he doesnt want to chat in front of his wife and kids. He is unsure of their reaction. I dont know where we are headed. We are so close virtually and now we are talking. If I visit India, will we meet? Where would we meet? I dont know.
For now, I have decided not to dwell over all those things and enjoy the present. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be in touch with him and here I am, talking to him.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
In love with a married man...
is what it feels like with my relationship with my birth father. I have to hide it from family and friends, when I do mention it, I am met with shock or preachy sermons of "If I were in your place, I wouldnt do it". Really! With everything that is going on in this world, with earthquakes shattering the lives of thousands and kids killing other kids and what not, does a daughter reaching out to her birth father still figure on the top ten list of awful things to happen?
My parents were supportive initially and then freaked out big time with the prospect of my birth mother exploding when she finds out about this. I am frankly tired of having to be careful and think about her feelings. Her divorce was 34 years ago, when will she stop carrying that baggage around!
The whole situation is just a complex mess. My mother loves me and thinks of me as her daughter but the sister in her wants to protect and appease, so she pushes me in the direction of my birth mother and expects me to share the same "mother daughter" relationship with her. My birth mother is forever wronged and all her life everyone have only thought of ways to hurt her, of course, I am also included. So she looks at me with extreme sorrow on how sad it is that her first born wont bond with her. And me? I am rapidly approaching the point of massive irritation. I hope to God that in my next life, I am born to parents who love each other and who will stay with each other and I have a boring normal childhood.
And my birth father, I get along amazingly well with this man. We share an amazing rapport and he has been so frank with his answers without worrying about whether I will misunderstand and stop loving him. We agreed that I should call him Dad and he tells me he loves me in every email. I got way more than what I had expected when I first reached out to him.
Now once again I am at crossroads, because my parents were so worried, I asked Dad if he had also talked to his family and that I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page in terms of emotional investment and expectations from each other. Bottom line is that he says that lets not hurt our families who have stood with us for so many years, lets give them time to come around, lets be patient and wait and watch and one day we can go beyond our emails and meet and talk.
I cried when I read his email, however it is reality and I have to accept it, just wish it weren't so hard. So now I just need to trust his love and hope that he doesnt lose interest in me and keeps in touch and we can strenghten our bond over the years. I really have no hope for his family coming around, they have no incentive to do so, it would be so easy to shrug and go on with their lives. Why would they go out of their way to accomodate and accept me in their lives?
Well I tried and I have one less regret in my life - I reached out to my Dad and we got an opportunity to get closer - albeit on emails. I can keep in touch with him and lets see what the future holds for us. And maybe one day I can actually meet him in person and hug him.
In the meanwhile, I need to figure out how to make my heart feel light again...I smile outwardly and inwardly its weighed down with sad thoughts :(
My parents were supportive initially and then freaked out big time with the prospect of my birth mother exploding when she finds out about this. I am frankly tired of having to be careful and think about her feelings. Her divorce was 34 years ago, when will she stop carrying that baggage around!
The whole situation is just a complex mess. My mother loves me and thinks of me as her daughter but the sister in her wants to protect and appease, so she pushes me in the direction of my birth mother and expects me to share the same "mother daughter" relationship with her. My birth mother is forever wronged and all her life everyone have only thought of ways to hurt her, of course, I am also included. So she looks at me with extreme sorrow on how sad it is that her first born wont bond with her. And me? I am rapidly approaching the point of massive irritation. I hope to God that in my next life, I am born to parents who love each other and who will stay with each other and I have a boring normal childhood.
And my birth father, I get along amazingly well with this man. We share an amazing rapport and he has been so frank with his answers without worrying about whether I will misunderstand and stop loving him. We agreed that I should call him Dad and he tells me he loves me in every email. I got way more than what I had expected when I first reached out to him.
Now once again I am at crossroads, because my parents were so worried, I asked Dad if he had also talked to his family and that I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page in terms of emotional investment and expectations from each other. Bottom line is that he says that lets not hurt our families who have stood with us for so many years, lets give them time to come around, lets be patient and wait and watch and one day we can go beyond our emails and meet and talk.
I cried when I read his email, however it is reality and I have to accept it, just wish it weren't so hard. So now I just need to trust his love and hope that he doesnt lose interest in me and keeps in touch and we can strenghten our bond over the years. I really have no hope for his family coming around, they have no incentive to do so, it would be so easy to shrug and go on with their lives. Why would they go out of their way to accomodate and accept me in their lives?
Well I tried and I have one less regret in my life - I reached out to my Dad and we got an opportunity to get closer - albeit on emails. I can keep in touch with him and lets see what the future holds for us. And maybe one day I can actually meet him in person and hug him.
In the meanwhile, I need to figure out how to make my heart feel light again...I smile outwardly and inwardly its weighed down with sad thoughts :(
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I am growing up
My best friends all coincidentally warned me yesterday to not dive headlong into my relationship with my birth father and to trust every word that comes from his mouth or rather, in this case, gets typed out on the computer. Their warning was a day late. I had already sent an email with part I of my childhood describing in brief but candidly the various shades of grey that I was surrounded by. There was nothing false or contorted about it, it was what it was but to a biased reader like him, it must have seemed the perfect opportunity to jump at.
I have been waking up in the middle of the nights and reading his emails and then have not fallen back asleep and have just been jetlagged from the past week or so, since we started writing to each other. Yesterday I drove an hour out to the Sai Baba temple here. As soon as I stepped into the hall and saw Sai Baba smiling at me, I felt at peace. I left my problems there, asked him for guidance, drove home and went to my desk and saw his reply.
His mask had slipped away. In haste he had gleefully jumped to conclusions and I could see how little he thinks of my grandmother and my birth mother. And how highly of himself and his family. He sees himself as this visionary of the future - we need to advise future generations so they dont have to go through what we went through. So now he sees himself as the victim along with me, and my grandmother and mother as the inflictors of crime :) I was so relieved to see his reply. I should have felt sad but I was relieved to recognise and realise the real person behind the glamor. And just like that I have grown up people.... I wrote to him admonishing him to jump to conclusions and how he should realise that the world is shades of grey and not black and white and no matter what their personalities were, the fact remains that my mother and grand mother love me immensely and have stood by me forever.
Anyways my head has cleared and I am focusing on the things that matter to me - my job search, my family, exercise, planning vacations etc... :) And one surprising side effect of this journey is that I have a renewed sense of patience and affection for my in laws. No matter how troublesome they seem to me, they have stayed together, given their kids a good life and have done their duty as parents. I was taking this simple act for granted until I realised some parents can get away with not fulfilling their responsibilities forever.
Travelbug had quoted from Obama's book on how he focused on the absent parent instead of celebrating the life of the one who was there. I was so caught up in the emotion of connecting with my birth father that I had not realised the impact of this statement until today. I have three sets of parents in my life, God has been very good to me. Everyone who has parents will admit to being frustrated with them at some point of time or the other. I have three (counting my in laws)! Add to it, the interference of well meaning relatives and a loving but fiercely protective and dominating grandmother, I have had my share of frustrations.
So here are my next steps, I have written to him, lets see how he replies back. If he admits his mistake and shows some amount of understanding and humility, our ties will be strengthened forever. If the reply comes back as self centered as before, I know how he is and can stay emotionally detached and still be in touch once in a while. In the meantime, I will try to patch things with my inlaws. I was so busy ensuring that my comfortable life doesnt get any bumps that I didnt stop and think about taking the first step to create win wins for them. I went out of my way and shed my ego for a man whom I have never met, who has not done anything for me in his life. I think these two people who have done such an excellent job of bringing up my husband and caring for his emotional, physical and financial well being when he was growing up, deserve better. I do not regret anything that has happened. I am thankful for this journey of self realisation which is definitely making me a better person and opening my eyes to what is really important with people and relationships.
I have been waking up in the middle of the nights and reading his emails and then have not fallen back asleep and have just been jetlagged from the past week or so, since we started writing to each other. Yesterday I drove an hour out to the Sai Baba temple here. As soon as I stepped into the hall and saw Sai Baba smiling at me, I felt at peace. I left my problems there, asked him for guidance, drove home and went to my desk and saw his reply.
His mask had slipped away. In haste he had gleefully jumped to conclusions and I could see how little he thinks of my grandmother and my birth mother. And how highly of himself and his family. He sees himself as this visionary of the future - we need to advise future generations so they dont have to go through what we went through. So now he sees himself as the victim along with me, and my grandmother and mother as the inflictors of crime :) I was so relieved to see his reply. I should have felt sad but I was relieved to recognise and realise the real person behind the glamor. And just like that I have grown up people.... I wrote to him admonishing him to jump to conclusions and how he should realise that the world is shades of grey and not black and white and no matter what their personalities were, the fact remains that my mother and grand mother love me immensely and have stood by me forever.
Anyways my head has cleared and I am focusing on the things that matter to me - my job search, my family, exercise, planning vacations etc... :) And one surprising side effect of this journey is that I have a renewed sense of patience and affection for my in laws. No matter how troublesome they seem to me, they have stayed together, given their kids a good life and have done their duty as parents. I was taking this simple act for granted until I realised some parents can get away with not fulfilling their responsibilities forever.
Travelbug had quoted from Obama's book on how he focused on the absent parent instead of celebrating the life of the one who was there. I was so caught up in the emotion of connecting with my birth father that I had not realised the impact of this statement until today. I have three sets of parents in my life, God has been very good to me. Everyone who has parents will admit to being frustrated with them at some point of time or the other. I have three (counting my in laws)! Add to it, the interference of well meaning relatives and a loving but fiercely protective and dominating grandmother, I have had my share of frustrations.
So here are my next steps, I have written to him, lets see how he replies back. If he admits his mistake and shows some amount of understanding and humility, our ties will be strengthened forever. If the reply comes back as self centered as before, I know how he is and can stay emotionally detached and still be in touch once in a while. In the meantime, I will try to patch things with my inlaws. I was so busy ensuring that my comfortable life doesnt get any bumps that I didnt stop and think about taking the first step to create win wins for them. I went out of my way and shed my ego for a man whom I have never met, who has not done anything for me in his life. I think these two people who have done such an excellent job of bringing up my husband and caring for his emotional, physical and financial well being when he was growing up, deserve better. I do not regret anything that has happened. I am thankful for this journey of self realisation which is definitely making me a better person and opening my eyes to what is really important with people and relationships.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Whats going on with me....
My birth father and me are emailing each other almost daily. I dont know if its the freedom of writing to someone you have never met or its his personality but I find that I can ask him anything and he answers truthfully. It has been exhausting...initally when he wrote a long email to me for the first time talking about how painful it was to be detached from me all this while, I cried over and over and couldnt sleep at night. I still cannot and I wake up repeatedly to refresh my mail on the phone and to see if he replied back to my latest email. I read and re read my emails and his replies over and over until I know them by heart. I am so worried of losing him but can I really lose someone who was never mine?
My mother is freaking out with the thought of my birth mom finding out about us. She says that all hell will break loose when that happens. I am struggling to keep my loyalty to my birth mom as I get closer to my birth dad. I should remember that she kept me and stood by me, and that is the reality. All of our personality clashes on one side and this truth on the other. She agreed to the best route for me according to her and for that I owe her my gratitude. I shouldnt forget.
On the job front, its silence. I can hear the crickets chirping. I am beginning to get bored and am losing patience. I need to shake myself out of the slumber and re focus. And be patient and tell myself over and over and over that I will get a job soon, soon, soon... All the other projects in the house remain pending now. Its gym, birth father and job search in that order during the day. And of course playing with baby S is on the agenda all over all day... I still cannot believe I am talking to my birth father. I never thought this day would come in my life and I would be hearing him say all these things which I always hoped he would say to me someday. God is good to me. Thank you lord!
My mother is freaking out with the thought of my birth mom finding out about us. She says that all hell will break loose when that happens. I am struggling to keep my loyalty to my birth mom as I get closer to my birth dad. I should remember that she kept me and stood by me, and that is the reality. All of our personality clashes on one side and this truth on the other. She agreed to the best route for me according to her and for that I owe her my gratitude. I shouldnt forget.
On the job front, its silence. I can hear the crickets chirping. I am beginning to get bored and am losing patience. I need to shake myself out of the slumber and re focus. And be patient and tell myself over and over and over that I will get a job soon, soon, soon... All the other projects in the house remain pending now. Its gym, birth father and job search in that order during the day. And of course playing with baby S is on the agenda all over all day... I still cannot believe I am talking to my birth father. I never thought this day would come in my life and I would be hearing him say all these things which I always hoped he would say to me someday. God is good to me. Thank you lord!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Fairy tale endings in real life
He replied back to my messages on FB. And told me that he is so pleased to hear from me and how painful it was to be detached from me and how all these years he never knew where I was or how I was doing and how he still remembers coming to meet me as a baby. I cried after reading each one of his messages. We are communicating with each other. I cant say or share more. I have decided I am going to keep my family out of it, I dont want their personal opinions or biases to cloud whatever relationship we choose to create. I cannot believe how blessed I am. Thank you God a thousand times over for showering so much love on me. After every message, I have stayed awake all night and cried over and over. I feel jetlagged without any travel now. And I have an interview to prepare for.
Many many many thanks to all of you guys for supporting me and giving me the strength to reach out. If I could meet you in person, I would be hugging you tight right now, but for the meantime, virtual hugs from me to all of you...Seena, Anon, Tys, Tears and Dreams, Swaram, Titaxy, Nidhi....all of you and anyone else I forgot to mention...
Many many many thanks to all of you guys for supporting me and giving me the strength to reach out. If I could meet you in person, I would be hugging you tight right now, but for the meantime, virtual hugs from me to all of you...Seena, Anon, Tys, Tears and Dreams, Swaram, Titaxy, Nidhi....all of you and anyone else I forgot to mention...
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