The known errors of my life (Aka Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni)

I vaguely remember reading somewhere about people calling to apologize for things they have done to other people in the past etc – for closure etc – blah blah and while I am all for “let sleeping dogs lie kinda philosophy”; it did make me think about the mean things I have knowingly/unknowingly done and regret (not so much that I lose sleep over it) but do regret…..This awesome post triggered one such memory for me…so here goes….

1) I can’t even remember how old/young I was, but I was in primary school (somewhere between 1st standard to fourth standard) and we had been having a problem with stuff vanishing from our school bags when our class would be out for recess. Small stuff like pencil boxes, erasers, books and what not, which after a point of time added up. A small group of me and my friends decided to hide behind/under the desks etc to catch the culprit. We did this for many days in a row, the rest of the memory is blurred but I can remember being taken by the teachers from room to room to identify the “thief” from his class. I remember following the teacher to the packed classrooms and looking around at all the boys (it was a guy who we had detected, I think) and then I had pointed one out to the teachers. Even now after all these years, I doubt if it was the right guy :( And it nags at my conscience – what if I had pointed out a perfectly innocent boy and bechara has life long trauma and psychological issues because of me :( Why did I not say that I was confused and all boys looked the same to me :( but anyways this was a long time ago and I have made my peace with it, I refuse to let it bother me ;) If I was wrong, I am picturing the teachers say Sorry to the boy on my behalf and shake their heads and swear never to believe a young bacchi again.

2) Fast forward to 6th-7th standard when I went on a family vacation to one of the islands off the coast of Southern India. It was a one day one night travel by ship to get to the islands. On the way to the beautiful islands, I got miserably sea sick and spent most of my time throwing up. On the way back, I had my sea legs and was free to wander around the ship while the rest of our group was lying down miserable in their bunks all tired and sick. I got to be friends with the kitchen staff and one of the cooks who specially made limbu paani (lemonade) for me every time I walked upstairs plus whatever snacks I wanted etc. When our ship was docking, he asked me to give me my home address so he could keep in touch. I blindly followed him through the maze of corridors into the depth of the ship’s lower quarters to his room. And entered it, and sat down in his chair while the door closed and started writing my address. Somewhere during that time I felt something take over me, a strange panic which I couldn’t explain at that age as I looked around the room and realized where I was, far away from my parents, at the mercy of this stranger, everyone on board pretty much busy with the docking/landing procedures. I slowly wrote out my address, blurted out that my parents were waiting for me and would launch a complete search party if I didn’t show up, they were paranoid that way blah blah and ran to the door, he was blocking my way and then he turned and let me pass and I opened the door and ran through the maze miraculously finding my way to the upper deck and my parents! Am such an idiot!!

3) Fast forward to tenth standard, my building friend and I had somehow gotten into this routine of writing letters to each other. We went to different schools but lived one floor apart from each other. My mother accidentally intercepted and read one of my letters and it so happened that I had written a sob story about how I felt like an orphan in it. The drama of an immature teenager :( My mother was so heart broken when she read it. I was in the middle of my board exams so my father took her out. When they returned her eyes were red and puffy. My mother is not prone to tears, she rarely cries. And I had made her sob. She came back and told me that even in her deepest dreams she never differentiated between me and my sister and why would I even think about it. My father diffused the situation by saying lets discuss after her exams are over etc. I did provide an explanation, there was one, there was a reason why I felt the way I did and it had nothing to do with lack of love or affection from my parents, it was due to the brainwashing which her mother, my grandmother had inflicted on me. And we have resolved that feeling and my mother and I have always been super close all our lives. She is truly my mother in every sense.

4) On to SYBCom, I had appeared for my Chartered Accountancy Intermediate examinations and all of us friends went to view our results at the Institute. My boss at the time had been mean enough to not give me enough preparation time so by the time I entered the library armed with my books, my friends were on to their second round of revision. I was doomed from the beginning, sorta. My sister accompanied us to see our results. I remember the horrible sinking feeling I felt when I didn’t see my name on the board and every single friend of mine had passed. I was the only one who failed. And turning around and taking it out on my sister – saying through tears those mean words – I failed because you came with me, you gave me bad luck. I have no words for how much I regret saying it to her. It was so baseless, unreasonable and downright mean. Over the years I have never mustered up courage to bring up that memory again and apologize to her for it or ask her if she remembers it and feels bad about it. We are extremely close and love each other a lot and I am scared to bring up ghosts of past – of our childhood/youth when we might have unknowingly, immaturely said mean things to each other. But this is one incident I wish I could take back :(

How about you? What known errors have you made?

Scary dreams

Nowadays I have nightmares most nights. I dont know if it is because deep down I am incessantly worried about my pregnancy or because I always get nightmares when I am hungry in the middle of the night; which I am, nowadays, I wake up and have to eat a snack. Today I woke up thinking I was outside one of the souks - (I have already forgotten the name) in Dubai and it was late and I couldnt get a cab back to my hotel.

A couple of years back I had gone on a business trip to Dubai, all by myself. So of course I had an option of returning back to my hotel room and ordering room service every evening or going out by myself and visiting all the normal touristy places. I was assured by my colleagues that Dubai was extremely safe for a lone female traveller so off I would go every evening, on recommendations or looking in my guide book. And I am glad I did, I hit most of the places to see (though Burj Al Arab wouldnt let me in because I had no appointment and was wearing jeans and sneakers) but anyways..

One of these recommendations was to a Sanjeev Kapoor restaurant. Of course they forgot to mention that they always travel by car and wouldnt know about cab arrangements. The restaurant was not in the best of locations flanked on both sides by girl clubs or night clubs or whatever they are called. I took a cab and reached there around eight; I was so excited with the prospect of eating there. When I went upstairs to the restaurant (its in a simple one story building by itself), the staff told me that they were expecting a big party at 8.30 and would I be able to eat quickly and leave by then. NO. I was there at eight, that would have given me ten minutes to gobble my food after a 15 minute serving time. So I left, disappointed. When I got downstairs, I looked around for the first time. There were no cabs in sight, I stood outside the restaurant for the longest time and tried to wait for a cab. It was already dark and suddenly my cheerful mood disappeared; hunger and the fear of being in a place unknown took over. The music from the clubs nearby was blaring loud and I felt like cars were slowing down to look at me. I asked the watchman and he said my best bet was to get to the main road to hail a cab. So I started walking towards the main road (it would have been a good 15 minute walk) plus my heels started sinking in the sand so it made it more difficult. Plus I was beginning to slowly freak out, the whole atmosphere of the location with the two huge night clubs reminded me of every bad Hindi movie where the heroine gets kidnapped. I didnt have a cell phone, P had no idea where I was, I started praying fervently. Please please please, let a cab come by.

My aunt in law always says that God appears in the form of someone when you need him/her. To my good fortune, a cab pulled by, the driver said he would charge me double (I have no idea why, maybe he realised that I was scared and wanted to make a quick buck?). I said I dont care, just get me to my hotel. I have relived that walk in the sand in the dark evening many times after that and have been scared about what could have been. But it was a happy ending and thats all that matters. I got to my hotel safe and sound and researched thoroughly the cab options before I ventured out again the day after :)

The birthdays that were…..

Every 8th March, the phone would start ringing early in the morning. One of my Uncles is awesome about remembering everyone’s birthdays and is always the first one to call in the morning. The phone would actually ring ALL DAY! Without any exaggeration. In the evening my friends would come over. Aai would be cooking yummy things for my birthday, a gooey delicious chocolatey chocolate cake would be ordered. Building friends, school friends, college friends, cousins and family would all stop by with small gifts, cards and our small apartment would be filled to the brink with laughter, non stop chatter and a festive spirit. A new dress would be worn and compliments would be received by the truckload. Every birthday in India has been unique and fun! I have so looked forward to my birthdays in India. One birthday, my best friend brought a watermelon to class which I cut like a cake during recess. Another birthday my Mom packed bhel and juice for us which we took to a park nearby and ate on the green lawns. An 18th birthday I had renounced material things (only for one day) and had told everyone I didn’t really want any jewellery, gift items etc; result was being presented with love birds, sparrows, fish tank complete with fish…..Every birthday was special in its own way.

So when I moved to the US, I was plunged into depression and loneliness when my birthday approached. I was working with a CPA firm at the time and it was tax season, which meant long hours. On my birthday, my seniors pushed me out of the office on time, to go home and enjoy. As I opened the door to my house and walked in, I saw P video shooting me. One by one my brother, my sister in law, my sister and my brother in law stepped into view!!! It was the most amazing surprise ever!! I was so shocked and thrilled!! They had flown and driven (respectively) hundreds of miles to be with me. Needless to say I had an awesome time on my birthday. The weekend zoomed by with siblings around me. Loved it!

Slowly over the past ten years, anticipation and eagerness of my birthdays has dimmed a little. I guess they have transferred to R’s birthdays now and Christmases and Diwali celebrations which are planned with more gusto and friends/family gathered. My own birthdays are very low key now. With the advent of internet networking sites like Facebook and Orkut, I received many many messages wishing me but I still miss the phone ringing off the hook. Of course my cell phone kept buzzing all morning but as I was in a meeting, I had to ignore the calls (India US time zone differences kya karey!). I am lucky to have family here and we did go out to eat but it wasn’t the same. I miss my parents, my friends, my siblings, my cousins; a happy event is not the same without loved people to celebrate it. I have still dressed up, received compliments from co-workers unaware of my birthday, for the shocking fuchsia pink blouse I am wearing today. P is insisting on accompanying me to the mall to buy something of my own choice for myself. We will go out to dinner but it is not the same anymore.

In India you didn’t just go shopping unless it was a special occasion. Here in the US, we go shopping so frequently, in the winter especially. Every long weekend, there is a sale going on, I window shop even though I don’t need anything and pick up bargains when I see them. The fun of buying something for a special day is lost when you shop all through the year. I miss those trinkets which my friends used to pool money together to buy; as we grew older, our contributions grew bigger resulting in expensive gifts but it was so precious, those gifts which my friends spent so much time scouring different shops, shopping for me and their delight when I wore the earring, necklace, bracelet, kurti, tshirt etc…..the numerous birthday cards, especially the ones which one or the other random guys would give, which we would read into unnecessarily, trying to decide if he had a crush on me or not etc.

I guess I will celebrate my birthdays through R now as I watch her delight and excitement when her birthday approaches, her excitement at ordering that Dora or Mickey Mouse or Barney cake, her jumping up and down with happiness while getting dressed in her special birthday dress and greeting visitors at the door, her squealing with delight when she tears open the wrapping paper off the countless gifts she receives. And one day, I hope she also looks back at her childhood and her birthdays and thinks about how special and wonderful each of her birthdays was…

For the time being I am grateful for my wonderful husband who knows how much birthdays mean to me and is trying to make it a special day. I mean, he even called me at work to just chat!!! ;)

Thank you God for a wonderful life, a wonderful husband and a wonderful daughter! Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to nurture another baby and no matter what that blood test says tomorrow and whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is, I am eternally grateful for the thousand other good things in life you have bestowed upon me. All my days are special because of it…Thank you…