My sister (in law) and me

My sister in law is a year younger to me. She is very non interfering and easy to get along. When we got married, I didnt have any usual sister in law to bhabhi issues with her.

On the other hand, I had those problems big time with my brother's wife. Every time she visited and left, I had to listen to a long list of complaints from my brother. S did this, S did that, dont do this, dont do that, dont say that and on and on it went. And I would listen quietly and promise to implement them in the next interaction. On and on it went for a couple of years until my nephew arrived on the scene. I had no kids of my own and he was the first baby in our family. I went ga ga over him. I am his favorite aunt and I spoilt that kid to no limit. It also brought about a radical change in our relationship, my bhabhi started to love me. We are friends now. Both of us still have our quirks and things that irritate each other, I am sure of it, but we get along really well, look forward to each other's visits, miss each other if we havent talked/met in a while. It didnt happen overnight.

On the other hand, me and my sister in law started off great. And of late, I feel like our relationship is deteriorating. She doesnt call so often, or I am not around when she calls, P and her have long conversations, most times I am busy with the girls or not around. There used to be a time when I would call her regularly on my way home from work. We would chat like friends. Then she got married and moved a bit further away...

Then my in laws visited and it seems she was going thru the usual rough teething problems that any newly married couple goes through. The only difference was that my in laws would have hushed conversations in my house about her and as soon as I walked into the room, they would stop talking. It started to get a bit uncomfortable. My MIL finally confided in P about my sister in law's issues and they asked him not to include me in the conversations or be careful that I dont find out about it. I felt so bad. I didnt know that my in laws thought so little of me.

I have never wished ill for my sister in law, always had the best thoughts for her but my father in law told me on a couple of occasions, why did you say so and so to her, you should say so and so instead or dont say this to her, she needs this....When all I was doing was some good natured ribbing or general conversation. At that point of time, I think, I shut off. When she would call, I wasnt sure if I would be interupting any private conversation or if they wouldnt be able to talk freely if I was there so I would walk away. I am sure this must have led to further misunderstandings with my SIL thinking I have no enthusiasm to talk to her, I dont know.

I feel like we are drifting apart slowly. Lack of communication does that to people. When you do not voice your concerns or opinions clearly, everything is up for debate and each side can see things as they deem fit.

In law relationships are always so fragile, arent they. Add to it, my rocky relationship with my in laws, her parents; I dont know if she is unhappy that I have made her parents so unhappy. I dont know what she thinks. When we were going thru a really bad time with my in laws visit, where all of us were pretty much miserable, I asked P so many times to call her and to tell her about everything that was going on. I thought as a wife and as a daughter, she would be able to understand both of us. She would be able to help, to solve the ever increasing web of misunderstandings.

Now we have all reached this point of no return. My in laws are getting older and more stubborn, set in their ways. We have tremendous misunderstandings on both sides. We know that either party is not evil and has good wishes but for some reason cannot get along well for a long period of time under the same roof. I do not know how to clearly discuss issues with them. That is what I am used to. Calling up family and asking if they are mad and what are they mad at etc.

I dont have that clear communication with my birth mom and what is the result, am I close to her? My mother in law is another one, I cannot seem to talk to her and find out what she wants and what will make her happy? We no longer have that communication channel and both her kids will not help to soothe things or make them allright.

P's strategy is mostly to pretend nothing is wrong and go about your day as usual. His sister has a great virtue of non intereference and yet again sometimes I wish she would help us all get along.

P has only one sibling and I feel very sad that we are growing distant. I wish she would come visit, spend time with her nieces, R adores her so much. I wish we could chat on the phone like old friends. I wish I could tell her the issues I face with her parents and get her advice, after all she knows them better than I do. I wish she would tell me what her mother wants. I wish she would talk to her mother about me. I wish there would be this one person trying to bring everyone together.

For once I am lost. Many times I feel like writing her an email or calling her and talking to her about this. I had decided that I would tell her everything, have a heart to heart conversation when she visited by herself in the summer but that visit didnt happen. I do not even know if she would be open minded enough to listen or would she be automatically scornful of me for not getting along with her parents. What do I do?

Of conductors and drivers...

I think I was in fourth standard when it started. I used to be fair and delicate and I was going thru a phase where I would insist to wear a gajara to school everyday. My sister and I would go by bus to school, Aai Baba would drop us at the bus stop. All the conductors and drivers were interested in me. I was too young to understand their laughing and teasing each other and whistling and stuff when I would walk by so it wouldnt affect me and I would forget about them the moment I would walk into the school. But slowly over time, one conductor emerged as the main "hero wannabe". He started getting bolder and would not let me get off the bus and keep me till the end. He wouldnt do anything or ever touch me but would smell the flowers in my hair etc. I think this went on for quite a while and I didnt say anything to anyone (I was an idiot or maybe I was just really young). My friends (boys) started to stand two behind me, one in front of me and would refuse to get off the bus if he wouldnt let me get off following them. They started shielding me with their hands. Bicharey, tey pan same age hotey. Maybe boys have a protective instinct from young age? At that time, I finally mentioned it to Aai Baba over dinner one evening. Babani ardhavat ghaas tasach panat takun, lagech uthun gele. He went to meet Mr.Kunder who used to own the buses and run the bus service. Overnight that conductor was fired ani dusryach divsapasun none of them dared to look in my direction. The issue was solved so quickly, I tolerated it for so many days for no reason.Most times it helps to speak up.

Many months later I bumped into that conductor on the road. He gave me a horrible angry look and kept staring. I was terrified but I also looked at him sternly and he turned away. Anil (my gay best friend) was with me, he asked me later why I was so white and shaking :( I dont know what is the right way - not to show you are scared or to ignore and walk away. I mostly ignore and walk away. Ughich kaay karayacha ahe na. These are all things in the past. I dont meet any sleazy people now. I have become accustomed to the US where even though it might be super crowded sometimes, like if we go to a carnival or a fair or the city in summer, no one ever bumps into you or touches you.

Venti

I should change the name of my blog to dukh dukh log as I tend to turn to it only when I want to vent!

Painful painful realisation. My birth father pretty much only thinks of me as his "pen friend" (Yes, that concept might have gone away in the eighties but he is 62 so have to cut him slack). He is very busy with professional and personal commitments and of late, I have realised that he only writes to me when he has time. I mean he doesnt make time to write to me. He writes to me when he has time. Isnt there a difference or am I just too clingy needy. Everything is according to his whims. He writes and I reply right away. He doesnt write for days, I wait patiently. Then I complain and say I miss you etc and he writes back. For once I would like to make him wait for my emails. So I am going to try it.

When P and I fight, P carries on a "Ignore wife to hurt her" then a cold war followed suddenly by a "Pretend nothing happened and carry on as usual" which signifies the end of the fight in his mind. I need discussion and post mortem analysis of the fight. And I always decide that I wont go talk to him first and always fail. Five minutes into the cold war, I give in and go yell at him.

So I dont know how its going to work with my Dad. But I want to protect myself from getting hurt. I dont want to love someone so deeply if it is not going to be reciprocated. I do not want to wait for someone if that person doesnt appreciate my patience or realise it.

So I will move him down my priority list too, he was right up there with baby S, even slightly above P and R! He goes down the list now. Until he writes a sappy email saying how much he loves me and I melt. Sigh!

Random things

I talked to Dad everyday for almost a week when he was traveling. It so worked out that he was out of town on his birthday too so I could wish him on his birthday. It was very very nice. Made us even closer, made me trust him and love him even more.

I had never in my life thought about how life would have been if my birth mother would never have gotten divorced etc. Because I was content in my life with my family - when I was in Mumbai, I could pretend I was not the child of divorced parents, I was a part of a healthy normal happy family. So I never imagined hypothetical situations until now....After getting to know my Dad, I see both of them individually and think about how awesome they would have been together. They started out as a great match for each other and then it was cut short cruely. What happened, could it have been avoided, who was at fault here? Who knows? Sometimes I think destiny dictates behavior? Sometimes even though it might seem like you are this close to breaking up or falling out, you magically hold on somehow and get through the storm. And sometimes it doesnt take much to break apart.

I had never asked any of my family anything about the divorce. I asked my Dad all the questions I had and I am grateful to him for answering every single of my questions. He told me the facts, didnt get into details or blame anyone or defend himself. They were together for 3-4 months after which my grandma took her away. He didnt talk about what was so bad that she had to leave. I dont know if he clearly knows. My parents dont know. One person can tell me but I dont dare ask her. And then why does it matter now, after all these years. They have all moved on, atleast on the surface of things. I have my own theory but it doesnt matter anymore..

I am truly blessed though. Things could have gone horribly wrong for me, every step I took could have led me to a different destination, but somehow everything turned out right for me. Just for that I will try not to crib/whine about routine stresses or worries from now on. God has been with me, watched me and done whats best for me on the bigger milestones of my life. I should look at the bigger picture and not sigh over the smaller obstacles.

I have booked tickets to travel to India in Dec. I told him about it, I will not ask to meet. Its his decision. I had brought up the topic a couple of times before and everytime he seemed hesitant, said that he wants everyone to be happy with our reunion and we should be patient. What is the motivation for his family to get excited about me? He will not bring up the topic or discuss any of his feelings with them, they do not ask questions, life goes on as usual. Who likes to stir up drama in their smooth life? Why would they bend over backwards and accept this additional member into their family? I can think of many reasons as to why not? But there are equal reasons to why should they? So I will not press on that matter. When the day comes, that he cannot bear the thought of not meeting me, when I am in the same city, he will take the steps required to make sure his wife and kids are happy and welcoming.

I am going to meet G :) Anyone else around to meet in Pune? :)

And we talked...

My birth father (Dad) and me, for the first time ever in our lives! He is traveling and is away from his family and can talk at length and freely.

It felt nice, my heart was racing when I called him. But then the tension dissipated. I cannot wait to talk to him again.

But it still feels like having an affair with a married man. He cannot talk to me from his city because he doesnt want to chat in front of his wife and kids. He is unsure of their reaction. I dont know where we are headed. We are so close virtually and now we are talking. If I visit India, will we meet? Where would we meet? I dont know.

For now, I have decided not to dwell over all those things and enjoy the present. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be in touch with him and here I am, talking to him.

Sunday evenings..

Why are Sunday evenings so boring? There is nothing planned, there is an unsaid tension - get ready for the week ahead. If you have a boring/stressful/hated job, then Sunday evenings are unhappy because one stresses about the upcoming week. If you do not have a job then Sunday evenings are unhappy because you think of the coming week and the job applications you need to do.

I know what I want and need in life but its not in my hands. I know what I have and can do in my life and should act on it. Primarily to stay happy. And not to focus on what I dont have but to focus on the million things I do have and am taking for granted. My two beautiful healthy children!!

And to remind myself over and over, I will get a job, I will get a job I like soon.

So I quit

Hello Mr.ABC:

It’s been a little over two weeks since I have joined XYZ. I had accepted this role with great enthusiasm for two reasons – the job profile and the opportunity to work with you. Both still hold true and I have great respect and admiration for you after having worked with you in these 2 ½ weeks.

But I have young children and work life balance is very important for me at this stage in life. I feel that it might not be possible to maintain that balance at XYZ.

I have worked long hours and weekends when required, at my previous employer too, but the company culture was more accommodating to working mothers and they allowed lee way for work from home, flexible hours and compensatory days off/leaving early during downtime. I do not feel that I can expect a similar culture at XYZ Finance; maybe my perception is incorrect. The long commute also adds a bit of restriction on my timings – I can either come in early or stay late but cannot do both, on a regular basis.

I don’t know an easier way to say this but I think I should resign from XYZ. I am indeed very sorry to leave and think that I would have been able to provide value and learn in return. I have enjoyed working with Paul very much and had picked up aspects of the FP&A process, created a desk top procedure for the admin budget and forecasting procedure etc in my short time here.

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused to you. I hope there are no hard feelings and I would love to have been able to work for you. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future someday.

Could you please advise me as to my next steps? I will be at home tomorrow and can be reached on my cell phone or via email.

Best Regards,
Sonia

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I woke up in the middle of the night due to allergies and checked my email - seven new messages - from my friends, sister, parents all saying different things - it was brave of you to take this step, Good luck, and do not stress now. I cannot breathe. I hope to God its not panic stress which is triggering it but hopefully allergic reaction or something. I sat up and tried to say the Gayatri mantra over and over again. No help. Hugged R who is sleeping next by me, helped a bit. Went over and touched S and then got into bed with P. Touch is such a powerful tool! It works wonders to calm and soothe.

One of my major character flaws is to think that my career defines me. My self esteem and confidence drop when I am not working - maybe because it has never happened. I started working when I was in FY, starting SY - my CA articleship - I was 18 then. I am 34 now, so for the past 16 years, I have always been either working or taking time off from working because I was studying - CA or CPA or my MBA. I have never taken a break and done timepass. So I am not used to it and dont know how. And it scares me. I cannot relax and do nothing or do routine household chores or extended timepass with my kids. I need to have my routine for going to work and then I can arrange everything else around it. I also need to earn my own money even though P can provide for all of us comfortably.

That is the reason why I am behaving as if it is the end of the world around my job search and other job related issues.

But I believe that life is about mistakes to be made and lessons to be learnt. Its a long process of self exploration as you begin to understand yourself better and continue to transform into the person you will be in the future. There are no rights or wrongs - no decision is make or break or irreversible. Every turn you take leads you down a different path.

If I would slog it out here, I would be promoted to Controller within five years but within five years, my babies would be five and nine and I would have missed out on so much with them too. Is it quantifiable - one assures sure success, what about the other? How do you measure time spent with kids, love showered, they might grow up and revolt or grow distant or think of me as a burden. All of these things could happen.

But I am not in it for returns. Parenting should be and is a selfless act. You desire to have children, you give birth to them, you teach them, you hope they grow up to be responsible kind and good human beings, you set them free and then if you are lucky, they will come back and keep coming back and give you as much love as you gave them and more.

So today when I quit my job, I need to decide two things. One is that I will never look back and regret this decision. My Aunt says that all decisions are the best at a point of time, they are not to be re evaluated further down the road when you know more about the future and circumstances are different. So I will not look back and despair.

And I will never say to R and S - See, I sacrificed my career for you girls. I sacrificed my career because I think I need to spend more time with them, I need to be able to leave work to go attend every event with them, I need to make sure I am there to boost their self confidence. Not for them. Kids grow up fine in any circumstance. Everyone is born with their own destiny.

And I need to use this downtime for stress management and telling myself deep in my heart to wake up and understand that there is definitely so much more to life than a job and career. And it will never happen that one who wishes to work will not find any. Depending on the requirements and limitations, maybe it might take time. But diligent efforts always lead to success. So I will pick up my list of pending things, which I have not even scraped the surface off yet, last time, because I was so obsessed with finding a job, and go down the list. I will take deep breaths and relax. I will teach myself stress management - if I behave like this now, I am sure to get a heart attack if I find myself unemployed in my forties or fifties. Thats ridiculous behavior.

And I will soon find a job, something that is convenient for me, something that allows me to manage the tight rope balancing act of being a parent, a wife, a home maker and a professional. I will find work again. I just need to keep the hope and breathe :)