The shattering of my heart....

Remember this...when a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? Similarly if your heart breaks inside and you cannot share it with the people closest to you, should one gather the pieces quietly and pretend its not broken??

From the past couple of weeks, I have this premonition, this nagging feel, know that little voice in your head trying to awaken you to reality....I have realised my Dad thinks of me only as his pen friend, someone to send emails to as and when he pleases, someone he can say I love you and write sappy things about how beautiful his wife is and how awesome his children are and in general how perfect everyone in their khandaan is. A captive audience, an ever adoring and forgiving girlfriend. But Dad has no intentions of giving any promotion to his love in the virtual world. No, in his mind, she stays right where she is. Yes, he agreed to meet me, but it was only after I threw a fit. Slowly I am beginning to feel that maybe it is a bad idea to meet. I am not sure. But then I dont even have the guts to cancel. What if I regret it? Who knows when my next trip to Pune will be?

His wife, his daughter, his son, his brothers, his nieces, his nephews, his career, his students, his employees.....where am I?

He writes to me when he wishes, it doesnt matter if I am burning with fever, or depressed over a job situation, he will be aware of it but he will choose his reaction. If he feels benevolent, I get sympathy and affection, other times, he admonishes me for making a big deal out of things. Is that how a parent reacts? My parents worry and think of me everyday, every day this week when I woke up with fever, and dragged myself to work and back and made time for my daughters, my parents thought of me and gave me long distance hugs. What does this man do? Not write. Ignore. Write emails which make me out like a overthinking emotional psycho - take rest, enjoy life....how am I supposed to enjoy life when all the four of us are sick here?

I have to let go and that is the hardest part for me. I cannot let go of anything and anyone. And especially hard to let go of someone who was never yours in the first place. People who lose limbs say that they still feel their loss - a phantom limb. I didnt even have Dad in my life in the first place. He is my phantom Dad. Then why cant I still bear his loss?

I have to make some hard decisions for myself. I have to change. I have to learn how to stop caring. I was fine without him in my life and I will be fine without him once again too.

So I have to resolve to detach in baby steps - first step is to only write when he writes....second bigger step will be to not wait for his emails....and so on, till the detachment is complete and he can once again go back to Mr.A from Dad. And then maybe sometime many years later, try to glue together slowly the pieces of my heart...

When you love someone....

set it free, if it comes back it was yours...remember that saying..My Aai Baba have really practised it. God has been so so very kind to me. I have these amazing parents. I am extremely lucky. They let me go on this quest to know my birth father without even prohibiting me. Aai actually said she understood my need to get in touch with him. They are so secure and so full of love.

As I get to know my birth father better, there is no chance of me drifting away from my Aai Baba. If anything, I am even closer to them today. I am so grateful and appreciative of all that they have done, the values they have instilled in me, through their eyes I am the most beautiful, smart and perfect human being ever to walk on this earth. And that has given me confidence to last me ages, to last me through every obstacle, every downfall. The more that I talk to my birth father, the more I listen to this man, hesitating at every step to hold my hand, who proclaims his love at the top of his voice over the safety of the internet and is so very reluctant to acknowledge me in real life, that man, that quiet unassuming man, who is not connected by blood to me in any way, shines brighter in my life for me. My Baba and my Aai. I love you so much.

Affair with a married man all over again

This relationship that I have with my birth father screams "An affair with a married man" over and over. He had said he was free his morning, my night so I called him up dutifully. The first time I called, an automated voice lady told me in three languages that I was in Q and do not hang up. The second time I called, it instantly said "Your call could not be completed". He had asked me to call him when he would be home in Pune only because his wife was in Singapore visiting their daughter. So what has happened? His son came home unexpectedly? He had company? He switched off his phone? It makes me extremely angry to keep our contact hush hush. What exactly is he going to do if we meet say in a restaurant in fricking Pune and one of his ardent fans/followers or family members bumps into us. Will he push me under the table or himself hide behind a door until they leave? Should I even allow mysely to be pulled into this cowardly relationship. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Keep me on the side and say he loves me in every email but in reality, not even bring up my name in front of his wife and kids and keep them happy. But why, WHY should I allow someone to treat me like that?

I have a wonderful insanely wonderful father. A man who is not connected by blood to me. Who had a son and a daughter of his own. Who went out of his way, of his own accord, to repeatedly go ask his mother in law to give him custody of me. Who has never differentiated between me and his children. Who has never in his life ever said I was the child of his wife's sister. I was always his child. Everywhere.

Then why should I allow him to treat me this way. I was so looking forward to meeting him on my India trip but for the first time in my life, I feel like saying "Forget it, first muster up courage to own up in front of people about me and then we will see if we should meet".

Taking stock

So its time again to make a list of all the zillion things stressing me out...its always helped me, when I cant sleep and cry in the middle of the night, to write down my lists of things that are bothering me until it becomes clear that most of them are not worth losing my sleep over...

1) I miss my blog. When I started writing my blog, I thought I was writing it for myself and not for the occasional readers. And now when I have made it private, I miss yelling out aloud into the virtual world. I can never stand writing diaries or keeping my thoughts hidden in the innermost compartments of my mind. I am a very open person and I need to share/talk/communicate. I cannot stand this private business.

2) We got a notice from IRS for a whopping penalty (in the thousands of dollars)!! :((( All because I procrastinated on printing and mailing a form. We received the notice on May 16 and were asked to send in the information within 30 days. We faxed the information on June 16, not 30 days technically. I feel horrible. I am too tired to even pray to all Gods to save us from this.

3) Today I was talking to my mother. Over some other topic, she mentioned that I am so straight forward and honest and nice. I had tears in my eyes. How can my mother in law and sister in law view me as evil when everyone else in my life loves me so?

4) I am deeply hurt by how little my sister in law cares for me. There has been no phone call since my reaching out. She really doesnt fricking give a rats ass. Do I deserve this?

5) I am terrible to R. I yelled at her non stop for fifty minutes! fifty fricking minutes today while I fed her dinner. Every bite was a negotiation, every bite was gulped down with tears and whining and yelling from me. I was exhausted at night and when she wouldnt sleep and my grovelling and begging at her feet to sleep wouldnt work, I turned to my most petty self and said I hoped she had a new Mommy in the morning. She was so sad and cried and said No Mommy, I only want you, I will sleep and slept. And then I felt like someone had put a knife through my heart.

6) I am fat. I will never be pretty and slim and have an awesome figure or have beautiful hair or anything. I am ugly and destined to be such. And my baby R thinks I am the most beautiful woman in this world. Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up. When will this adoration for her mommy pass and then she will see the truth? My horrible thunder thighs, my huge butt. Why cant I be slimmer and zero size?

7) There were so many things/projects I had planned to do around the house and I have accomplished nothing. Nada. Zero. And now my job will start in a week's time and then there will be no time left for anything whatsoever.

8) Sometimes I wish I was secure enough to take a break from it all. But my self esteem is so fragile and so very dependent on earning my own money and working that I cannot bring myself to be a stay at home mom. I feel like I will lose all value in my husband's eyes if I stay home. And then I will be forever struggling to meet his expectations as perceived by me.

9) When did life get so hard? It was supposed to be easy and fun? When can I stop hurting and stop getting hurt by people? What is the difference between me and my birth mother then. Can I ever move on and not be hurt by the fact that no one from my immediate in laws cares for me or thinks good of me?

10) Lighter is how I feel after writing this post. Sleep is what I need the most. I need to stop making unrealistic expectations from myself. We have two young kids. Life is supposed to be tough. Leave the rest and enjoy this time before it slips away...

My sister (in law) and me

My sister in law is a year younger to me. She is very non interfering and easy to get along. When we got married, I didnt have any usual sister in law to bhabhi issues with her.

On the other hand, I had those problems big time with my brother's wife. Every time she visited and left, I had to listen to a long list of complaints from my brother. S did this, S did that, dont do this, dont do that, dont say that and on and on it went. And I would listen quietly and promise to implement them in the next interaction. On and on it went for a couple of years until my nephew arrived on the scene. I had no kids of my own and he was the first baby in our family. I went ga ga over him. I am his favorite aunt and I spoilt that kid to no limit. It also brought about a radical change in our relationship, my bhabhi started to love me. We are friends now. Both of us still have our quirks and things that irritate each other, I am sure of it, but we get along really well, look forward to each other's visits, miss each other if we havent talked/met in a while. It didnt happen overnight.

On the other hand, me and my sister in law started off great. And of late, I feel like our relationship is deteriorating. She doesnt call so often, or I am not around when she calls, P and her have long conversations, most times I am busy with the girls or not around. There used to be a time when I would call her regularly on my way home from work. We would chat like friends. Then she got married and moved a bit further away...

Then my in laws visited and it seems she was going thru the usual rough teething problems that any newly married couple goes through. The only difference was that my in laws would have hushed conversations in my house about her and as soon as I walked into the room, they would stop talking. It started to get a bit uncomfortable. My MIL finally confided in P about my sister in law's issues and they asked him not to include me in the conversations or be careful that I dont find out about it. I felt so bad. I didnt know that my in laws thought so little of me.

I have never wished ill for my sister in law, always had the best thoughts for her but my father in law told me on a couple of occasions, why did you say so and so to her, you should say so and so instead or dont say this to her, she needs this....When all I was doing was some good natured ribbing or general conversation. At that point of time, I think, I shut off. When she would call, I wasnt sure if I would be interupting any private conversation or if they wouldnt be able to talk freely if I was there so I would walk away. I am sure this must have led to further misunderstandings with my SIL thinking I have no enthusiasm to talk to her, I dont know.

I feel like we are drifting apart slowly. Lack of communication does that to people. When you do not voice your concerns or opinions clearly, everything is up for debate and each side can see things as they deem fit.

In law relationships are always so fragile, arent they. Add to it, my rocky relationship with my in laws, her parents; I dont know if she is unhappy that I have made her parents so unhappy. I dont know what she thinks. When we were going thru a really bad time with my in laws visit, where all of us were pretty much miserable, I asked P so many times to call her and to tell her about everything that was going on. I thought as a wife and as a daughter, she would be able to understand both of us. She would be able to help, to solve the ever increasing web of misunderstandings.

Now we have all reached this point of no return. My in laws are getting older and more stubborn, set in their ways. We have tremendous misunderstandings on both sides. We know that either party is not evil and has good wishes but for some reason cannot get along well for a long period of time under the same roof. I do not know how to clearly discuss issues with them. That is what I am used to. Calling up family and asking if they are mad and what are they mad at etc.

I dont have that clear communication with my birth mom and what is the result, am I close to her? My mother in law is another one, I cannot seem to talk to her and find out what she wants and what will make her happy? We no longer have that communication channel and both her kids will not help to soothe things or make them allright.

P's strategy is mostly to pretend nothing is wrong and go about your day as usual. His sister has a great virtue of non intereference and yet again sometimes I wish she would help us all get along.

P has only one sibling and I feel very sad that we are growing distant. I wish she would come visit, spend time with her nieces, R adores her so much. I wish we could chat on the phone like old friends. I wish I could tell her the issues I face with her parents and get her advice, after all she knows them better than I do. I wish she would tell me what her mother wants. I wish she would talk to her mother about me. I wish there would be this one person trying to bring everyone together.

For once I am lost. Many times I feel like writing her an email or calling her and talking to her about this. I had decided that I would tell her everything, have a heart to heart conversation when she visited by herself in the summer but that visit didnt happen. I do not even know if she would be open minded enough to listen or would she be automatically scornful of me for not getting along with her parents. What do I do?

Of conductors and drivers...

I think I was in fourth standard when it started. I used to be fair and delicate and I was going thru a phase where I would insist to wear a gajara to school everyday. My sister and I would go by bus to school, Aai Baba would drop us at the bus stop. All the conductors and drivers were interested in me. I was too young to understand their laughing and teasing each other and whistling and stuff when I would walk by so it wouldnt affect me and I would forget about them the moment I would walk into the school. But slowly over time, one conductor emerged as the main "hero wannabe". He started getting bolder and would not let me get off the bus and keep me till the end. He wouldnt do anything or ever touch me but would smell the flowers in my hair etc. I think this went on for quite a while and I didnt say anything to anyone (I was an idiot or maybe I was just really young). My friends (boys) started to stand two behind me, one in front of me and would refuse to get off the bus if he wouldnt let me get off following them. They started shielding me with their hands. Bicharey, tey pan same age hotey. Maybe boys have a protective instinct from young age? At that time, I finally mentioned it to Aai Baba over dinner one evening. Babani ardhavat ghaas tasach panat takun, lagech uthun gele. He went to meet Mr.Kunder who used to own the buses and run the bus service. Overnight that conductor was fired ani dusryach divsapasun none of them dared to look in my direction. The issue was solved so quickly, I tolerated it for so many days for no reason.Most times it helps to speak up.

Many months later I bumped into that conductor on the road. He gave me a horrible angry look and kept staring. I was terrified but I also looked at him sternly and he turned away. Anil (my gay best friend) was with me, he asked me later why I was so white and shaking :( I dont know what is the right way - not to show you are scared or to ignore and walk away. I mostly ignore and walk away. Ughich kaay karayacha ahe na. These are all things in the past. I dont meet any sleazy people now. I have become accustomed to the US where even though it might be super crowded sometimes, like if we go to a carnival or a fair or the city in summer, no one ever bumps into you or touches you.

Venti

I should change the name of my blog to dukh dukh log as I tend to turn to it only when I want to vent!

Painful painful realisation. My birth father pretty much only thinks of me as his "pen friend" (Yes, that concept might have gone away in the eighties but he is 62 so have to cut him slack). He is very busy with professional and personal commitments and of late, I have realised that he only writes to me when he has time. I mean he doesnt make time to write to me. He writes to me when he has time. Isnt there a difference or am I just too clingy needy. Everything is according to his whims. He writes and I reply right away. He doesnt write for days, I wait patiently. Then I complain and say I miss you etc and he writes back. For once I would like to make him wait for my emails. So I am going to try it.

When P and I fight, P carries on a "Ignore wife to hurt her" then a cold war followed suddenly by a "Pretend nothing happened and carry on as usual" which signifies the end of the fight in his mind. I need discussion and post mortem analysis of the fight. And I always decide that I wont go talk to him first and always fail. Five minutes into the cold war, I give in and go yell at him.

So I dont know how its going to work with my Dad. But I want to protect myself from getting hurt. I dont want to love someone so deeply if it is not going to be reciprocated. I do not want to wait for someone if that person doesnt appreciate my patience or realise it.

So I will move him down my priority list too, he was right up there with baby S, even slightly above P and R! He goes down the list now. Until he writes a sappy email saying how much he loves me and I melt. Sigh!