New year resolutions - a series...

As cliché as New Year resolutions might sound, I love the idea of a fresh start. The first of every month, the first of the week, the first of anything; I am a sucker for fresh starts. It feels like you have an opportunity to improve things and get to a happier place sooner.

So here are my New Year resolutions: Of course my birth dad needs to feature on my list; we have been in touch for almost 2 years now. It’s a long enough time for me to finally open my eyes and see the trend. See the actions and not just believe the words. I am but a hobby for him. I do not even know if hobby is the right word. Hobbies can be shared or proudly flaunted with others. I am his shameful hobby maybe. When he has time, he is in the mood, whatever drives him guilt, charity; he writes loving emails to me. He has restricted me to a virtual world, a relationship completely controlled by his whims. He has had multiple opportunities to share the good news (good news in my eyes) with his family and close friends that he has found his first born. And at every single occasion, he has turned away, choosing to keep me hidden. Not wanting to disturb his routine. I cannot call him when I please, I have to write to him and then wait for him to reply back. Sometimes its weeks before he replies and I am in the dark the whole time. I have no idea if he is dead or alive, disinterested or left….he insists we have a father-daughter relationship when this is best a cordial formal distant relationship. And I have finally realized that I do not matter to him. I am nobody in his life and he has no intentions to change it ever. I was making a mistake comparing our relationship to the other father-daughters in my life, hell even his life – he and his daughter. That was my folly. We are not; he was merely the cause of my birth. My birth mother had walked out in her early stages of pregnancy, there must not have been any celebration of pregnancy, of my life starting for him, that celebration was shrouded by the pain and insult of his wife leaving him. He turned his back on me and never looked back. Never tried to find me, never inquired of my well being until I contacted him. One of Albus Dumbeldore’s famous quotes from the Harry Potter series is “It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities”. My birth Dad is well known, a pioneer in his field, well respected and loved by many, but to me, he will always remain the guy who chose to walk away again and again.

My resolution for next year and forward is to stop the tears and the expectation and accept the reality – only because you fathered a girl doesn’t mean you are a father. My father has shown me a million times and over how someone can be a father without being genetically linked. My gentle, loving, down to earth unassuming father, who didn’t forbid me from being in touch with my birth Dad, who let me go do what my heart pleased, has taught me the power of unconditional love and parenting. I owe it to my family to stop crying and getting depressed over someone who will not treat me right.

Baby steps to always being happy

Forgive yourself - Do it quick and immediate. We are sometimes our most harsh critics and by voicing out loud our critical opinions about ourselves, we sometimes tend to get our audience bought into it too. Then somehow we also attach tags to ourself - Sonia is too emotional, this always happens to Sonia and so on. Then one day we start believing those tags and alter our behavior in anticipation of it, I always fail at this so I am going to try half hearted....get my gist.

So my first step is going to be to forgive myself...

We had gone on a wonderful trip to visit my best friend since high school and her family. We returned late night Sunday and Monday somehow R convinced me that she was too tired to go to school so all the three of us lolled around at home and generally did nothing the whole day. Tuesday dawned bright and early and I packed R's ballet stuff thinking in my mind its Monday (she has her class on Monday evenings after school closes). On Tuesday I realised my mistake in the nick of time and P rushed over to pick her up before the school closed its gates. I was beside myself. I thought "Shit, I am such an idiot. Nowadays I do not remember anything. How could I mix up simple days? Now she has missed a ballet class that we paid good money for? Now she might fall behind the class. She must be so upset to be the last kid to be picked up from school. I am good for nothing. I dont have a job. I am fat!!! And then I thought Whoaaa how did I even reach on this sob trip!! So I forgave myself quick. I said to myself that this was a small thing, my children were safe and it could happen to anyone. I forgave myself and moved on and spared me the self pity trip and back :) I have also realised that if you tell someone in a self derogatory tone - See, how I behaved. Then it prompts the other well meaning person - husband/friend/family member to give you golden words of advice on how to manage your schedule better, how you should be stress free and also words on how to be happy. So laugh at yourself, most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF and MOVE ON...

My first step to always being happy :))

God's favorite student?

I think I might just be God's favorite student, the one who he wants to learn all the lessons. The second I judge someone or smirk at someone's weakness, its just a matter of time and I have to endure the same circumstances to test my patience, my optimism and my strength. Karma is a bitch, they say, but why do I see such a quick turnaround while others might wait a lifetime to get whats due to them. And for some lucky some, it even transcends into another lifetime. Why me? Let me give some examples:

1) My father in law has a long list of self prescribed dietary restrictions, some supposedly medical, some mental, some psychological. He doesnt want to eat anything with seeds in it - the skin and seeds of tomatoes need to be removed, seeds of chillies, seeds of cucumbers; he will not eat eggplants, green peppers, spinach, okra and he is a staunch vegetarian. Everytime my in laws have visited, cooking transforms into a headache for me. Between his dietary limitations and my mother in law's pickiness, its hard to choose an easy convenient menu. I have gotten upset over it internally for days sometimes during their six month visits. So I learn a lesson on allergies and avoiding certain foods. During my pregnancy with S, I developed numerous allergies - pears, apples, bananas, carrots, cucumbers, many things went on my non tolerance listing to the extent that I still do not eat fruit salads..Isnt this a lesson learnt on tolerance and patience? I now have a renewed tolerance towards people's food choices and reluctance to eat certain foods for their general well being.

2)Second example: I used to get annoyed with my birth mother for being weak. In my eyes, everytime at the slightest hint of obstacles, she would be a heap of tears leaning on my grandmother for support. I would be annoyed that she is not mentally strong, how does one become prone to depression. There was also a time when my mother in law was taking some medicines and had side effects to them. She was constantly tired and had lost strength in her arms and legs and would be insecure and unsatisfied. Now her health is much better and in turn her attitude is much better too. I would be irritated at the lack of strength displayed by these women at times. Then comes this year, a year in which my own strength was questionable. Doctors had no clear diagnosis, everyone blamed everything on allergies, stress - do yoga, do this and do that. I was taking prescription asthma medicines when I didnt have asthma. I had horrible side effects - inability to sleep, depression and fatigue. As I lay on the sofa defeated and trying hard to stay positive, I developed a new tolerance towards these two people in my life. And realised that people behave as they do because of the situations they are in and one should never be quick to judge. I am now afraid to judge anyone because in my mind I have convinced myself that the second I judge, I will be in that situation. So I think I have become a much better person then :) Sometimes you learn lessons the hard way. Maybe I have also become a boring person because when someone says something like - Kids should never ever be fed candy ever in their life, the earlier me would have rolled her eyes and been like whats up her ass? The new improved me goes "Oh good for you" and moves on. Rambling post...it was lying in my drafts and I had to publish it...One day I aim to be fit and strong and awesome figure and such, and I want this post to be a reminder of what I have gone through so I can still stay kind to others.

I am back!

How are you??.

What was I busy with?.

Vertigo, repeated episodes of eye infections - steroids, no contacts, eye drops, rinse and repeat, severe severe allergies - body ache, flu symptoms without the flu, fatigue, tightness in chest, difficulty breathing, one hour one way commutes, two young children, daycares and nannies, house guests and vacations...And now I am on a break. I need to regroup mentally and physically. I have been constantly sick with allergies for over six months, lying on the sofa in the evenings on most days. This is not how I want to live the rest of my life. So now is the time for change..

My mother, in my new campaign for change, suggested that I also add 2 more resolutions to it - To put myself first and To learn to say No. I have a long list running already..

As I logged on to Blogger after God knows how many months, I ran through my earlier posts - most of them are sad. Once upon a time I was a happy smiling person - always. Now I am a tired prone to depression person. I really need to get back to that ever smiling me. This is going to be my journey back to happiness, the pursuit of happiness..

Best friend S said that I should continue blogging, it seemed to be an outlet for my worries and I could unload here. She is right. I do feel a lot composed when I write. No one can sue me for being a whiny brat. So I am back! How have you been?

Silence...

Dear Dad,

Its been a week of silence. I know you are busy but you were busy before too and still managed to write at all times. I dont know what has changed now. What I do know is that love cannot be forced. So I will let you be. And will also try to hold strong when you do write and not allow myself to forgive and forget and put myself in the same cycle of wash, drain, repeat and traumatise myself over and over. We are done. Thank you for saying all the exaggerated wonderful things that you did - about how much you love me, how you cannot possibly survive without me....I have not known any man as you. I am surrounded by men who are not eloquent of their emotions but exceed expectations in their actions. I have never met someone like you, who can wax eloquent, flatter and praise but fail miserably in follow through. You have turned your back on me a second time. If I let you do that a third time, I am the idiot here. So we are done.

I will try to forget you, try to forget the past 7 months, try to move on. One day when you are older and closer to your final day of reckoning, I hope you realise your folly, and I hope you receive no pardon for it. Yes, I am cruel that way..after all I am your daughter.

Will not say Love anymore,
Sonia

Zindaagi seriously na milegi dobara...

K Mama passed away today. I dont think he was even fifty. I dont know why I am hit so hard, I cannot stop crying. He has an old mother, a wife and a daughter trying to make sense of the shock, which his sudden death brought. I visited http://www.motherhoodinnyc.com/, Marinka always makes me laugh and saw that she had posted a message about her blog friend losing her seven year old son. There is so much pain in this world.

We take life and people so much for granted. One of my cousins had posted a FB status saying "Remember the saying - you dont know what you have until it goes away", she said that everyone knows exactly what they have but they never think it will go away. Which is so true. Even though superficially we may worry about a thousand different things - the next step in our career, home improvement projects, issues with children, issues with no children, mother in law issues, mother issues...the list is unending..even though on the face of it, we could even have a new issue to worry about everyday, in the bottom of our heart, we also know the good things we have. And when we hear about an unfortunate accident or someone facing a terrible loss, we hug our loved ones tight and realise this is what life is all about.

K Mama and his wife had a rocky married life. She is downright lazy and selfish. Plus she is blessed with a mother in law who wakes up at the crack of dawn and does every single thing around the house without any complaint. So that only further fueled her inertia. They somehow decided to adopt a daughter. Mami has limited affection and responsibility towards her so the girl naturally is very attached to her father and grand mother. Destiny is cruel to that girl. It snatched away her birth parents from her and then once again took away her adopted father...

I wonder how each person's destiny gets written. Does God sit up there with a team of Ekta Kapoor like script writers/plot writers and go - Okay, lets just fill this sucker's life up with sorrow. Or lets make sure this girl is seperated from her birth parents. What is it? Do we get a destined start and then everything else is our doing? The decisions we take, the attitude we maintain and the situations we create with both; do they shape our future destiny?

Its so easy to forget...its so easy to get carried away, bogged down by routine and the thousand mundane things in life...

My company got bought by a big shot one and one of my AP managers returned back from vacation. A colleague asked her what she thought about the deal, she simply said "If I had known, I wouldnt have worked hard on my vacation". All of us would have a million "If I had known..." except life is not cruel to each of us. But for the ones who lose something/someone, regret is always one of the first emotions to hit. If I would have known, I would have spent more time with him/her, I would have relaxed more....and on and on it goes....

I will not live my life in regret. I have to learn how to distinguish between relationships with a future and futile relationships and not spend time/energy/emotion on the failed ones. I have to accept they have failed and not try to fix them over and over. The main thing is to live each and every day of this blessed life with happiness and satisfaction.

N.e.e.d t.o. s.l.e.e.p

A short lived affair

Me and my Dad connected in first week of March, its been six months so far. Uptil the past couple of weeks, he has told me he loves me in every email, for the past six months. He started saying it abruptly and he stopped abruptly.

Everyone around me, who is close to me, and knows about us has differing opinions. Both best friends are divided over whether he really is committed to me or not. Aunty says he will never have the guts to put himself up for scrutiny and review and possible defamation by disclosing my existence to people. P thinks I am expecting too much from a relationship which is not really that deep. He is very suspicious of anyone who says I love you on a regular basis. Yes, I have married a guy who is in touch with his emotional side ;))

Well anyways, what do I think.....what does that little voice inside me say? It says time to back off. We are both clearly at different places in our lives. His presence loomed in my life ever since 19xx, when I was born. All through my childhood, when I had to answer people's questions over and over - Are you and M twins? (even though there is no resemblance between us), How were you born in March and she in June and you share the same birth year?. When I told people over and over, ever since I was a young child, my parents are divorced, my mother's sister adopted me, they are my parents. Over and over, he was there, indirectly. I have grown up acknowledging his presence.

On the other hand, since 19xx when he walked away from the hospital after meeting me, I ceased to exist for him. He got married, had his own daughter (first born?) and son, had a brilliant career, went on with his life. He didnt have to answer to anyone or admit his divorce and acknowledge he had a child. For 34 long years, until I reached out. Maybe it is too soon. Maybe I cannot and should not expect him to be able to have the courage and the will to stand up and say - this is my daughter. But he doesnt and will not, and it does hurt me deeply.

For six months, I have watched us. Our relationship has not proceeded forward. Yes, he has repeatedly said how much he loves me, how he is never going to let me go from his life ever but at the same time he wants his routine life to proceed undisturbed.

He had gone to visit his old father - probably in his nineties, who said he thinks of me often. But did Dad say "We are in touch, she is doing well", No, he kept quiet and walked away annoyed with him. I see no inclination to take our relationship to the next level.

And I have been ignoring all the signs in my naivety. He has referred to me as his pen friend, has hastily told me not to put P on the line when we were scheduled to talk for the first time, has simply said he missed me in the picture when I sent him a photo of R and S rather than saying how beautiful are your daughters....countless small things which all say "I only care about you, I want nothing to do with the others in your life, and it doesnt matter if they are the ones you care about the most, intimately" and I will always be his pen friend. Someone to email to, when he has the wish and desire. An adoring willing audience to tell his anecdotes to, someone to turn to when he feels emotional and to say how much he loves me. But the fact remains that he doesnt have the wish or the courage to step up and go further. We were still limited to emails, we are still. I cannot call him when I wish to. We have to plan phone calls when he travels, and is away from his family, alone in his hotel room. We have no idea where to meet and how. I am pretty sure we will end up meeting in a restaurant in Mumbai where the risk of bumping into people he knows is pretty low. How would we meet in Pune? What would he say to people who stop by? Who am I? He doesnt have the guts.

I shouldnt blame him. The fact remains that he didnt reach out to me. I did. After four long years of thinking in the back of my mind. I was ready for this. He was caught by surprise. And then he has 34 years of catching up to do. We are at different places.

It is needlessly causing me pain. When two people in any relationship are not on the same page, that relationhip gets fraught with tension and insecurity. I have to readjust my expectations, open my eyes and wake up to reality, not hope and dream for impossible things. Remember that dialogue from some movie - Sapney dekhne chahiye, unki poori honey ki sharth nahi rakhni chahiye. Reach for the moon and you can grab the stars atleast. I had this vision of being reunited with my birth father and here I am, we are in touch over emails. It doesnt matter that my dream is not realised in the manner I wanted it to. It is realised in a different way. We went from complete strangers to being in touch. Thats a big step.

But now its time to let go. I can no longer torture myself by waiting for his emails, getting frustrated over why he cannot convince/explain his feelings to his wife and children, why they cannot be more accepting of our relationship, why we cannot go a step further in our relationship, why we are not at a point where I can pick up the phone and talk to him, simply because I miss him....there are many whys and no answers. Its time to let go and stop hurting myself.

I will not wait for his emails. I will not make him "Important person #..." right next to my family and close friends. I will not put him on my priority list. He is a reunited father. If he writes, well and good, I will reply back. If he doesnt, thats fine too. The whole point of my reaching out was to talk to him atleast once in my life so that when I am old, I do not regret never knowing my birth father. Thats accomplished, everything else is a bonus. Real life doesnt always have happy endings, it seldom does. Maybe he will regret his behavior and inability to strengthen our bond, when he gets older. Thats his problem. You can never turn back the clock, never erase the past and start all over again. I will not have any regrets. I tried, succeeded a little, failed a little. But now its time to let go.

I was never in a relationship with anyone but can now imagine the pain of a broken heart, of unmet expectations. It is not easy to let go, especially when you had to make such a big effort to hold on in the first place. Its like I had four years to muster up the courage to write to him, to open my heart and now I need to retract again.

All this also made me realise an ugly side of myself. Human beings always want what is not theirs, out of their reach, unattainable. I have spent my life denying my birth mother, her birth mother privileges. I have spent my entire childhood, wishing away the uncomfortable awkward divorcee child image, wanting to pretend I was born to my parents and I had a normal family. And here I am, trying to force an unwilling birth father to step up and accept his birth father responsibilities. Why? Really, you do not value what you have, sometimes.

I need to let go. Now if I can only find a way to ease the pain....Do I regret reaching out? No, I dont. I wanted to know him. It would have been nice if we had a happy ending but we dont necessarily have a bad ending. He wants to stay in touch. Its not necessary that both of us share the same thoughts on what staying in touch means. He is satisfied with emails, I wanted more. I have to step back and meet him where he is. And let go...

Pray for me, pray that God will give me courage to be strong and level headed and understand that people stand at different places, at different points in time. No need to be staunchly black and white and either cut him loose or hold on tight. There is a middle ground. And while its so easy to hate or love someone, its extremely difficult to pace your emotions and to stay uniform.

Six months of learning, six months of a life lesson...