The big fight

My dear babies S and R,

Its entirely because of you that I am a stronger person today. I am career focused and want to find a good job. I want to earn good money and be able to provide good things for you. I am involved in your day to day activities and want to make sure you get everything you need - my time, my attention, my love, my money....Its also because of you both that when things get tough between me and Daddy (solely because of his parents, we have no other issues between us and love each other dearly otherwise), I do not run away.

It would have been so tempting to pack my bags and go away and teach him (and them) a lesson, to find out for ourselves if we can survive without each other. But its you both who stop me.

I have given birth to you and its my duty and responsibility to ensure that you have a happy childhood, a happy home, loving parents and you both grow up to be strong and independent and sensitive women. Remember this forever, I hope to God that when you are grown up, you never compromise on who you are and what you can be, because of someone else. I have stood strong so that I can give you both strength.

Remember never ever to sacrifice your life for hypothetically making someone else happy. Its not worth it. Remember never to think you owe something to someone just merely by the fact that they are older than you. If they have had double the amount of time as you on this earth and every single one of your interactions have been selfish on their part, you owe them nothing. Remember to be good and fair and loving but focus on what you need out of life. And you can never ever make someone else happy if they choose not to be. I hope you grow up knowing gratitude and satisfaction. Remember to express both in all situations. Remember to be thankful for all the good things and people you have in your life and to let go and free yourself of all the other painful elements. All those sayings about how gold gets brighter after it has been through a fire, understand what it means. Dont think it means you should stay put in a sucky situation and be meek and put your head down and chupchap tolerate unpleasantness inflicted by someone else and slowly rot away inside and turn into some person which is not you. I never want you to look back on your life and go "I wish I wouldnt have wasted away my life like this".Take it to mean to work hard for the relationships, the career, the hobbies, the love that is worth it, that is enriching and uplifting and which makes you a better person.

Daddy and I have that love, my darlings. And we still are holding each other's hands strongly and we will not let go. Without sounding like I am tooting my own horn, I want you to know that every single relationship that I have had since I was a child, has been complete and beautiful. My parents think I am a wonderful daughter, my siblings love me to death and vice versa, my best friends and me share an awesome "I got your back" relationship, my birth mom, my extended family, everyone I meet, my colleagues - no complaints anywhere but there are two people (and maybe my sister in law, but who knows what she thinks) that are constantly disappointed in me. And for whom I refuse to bend over and kill myself inside and turn into that person that would make them happy. I refuse to compromise my relationship with my husband and the happiness in my babies's childhood just to cater to their whims and fancies. And for that I gladly accept"the world's worst bahu" label and sermons on how I should be a better daughter in law from third parties. I am willing to take that over everything else...

Stay strong, stay beautiful, stay sweet, stay loving, be compassionate, have empathy, have a great career, have hobbies, enjoy your life, love and be loved and also sacrifice and compromise but in moderation. Love you my sweeties.

Your Mommy

Free Free Free

Free exercise plan available here ;)

I had my second (and final) session with the trainer (that is all that I can afford for now) and she has done an awesome job of making a customized workout schedule for me. So if you are about 5 feet four inches tall and around 145 (cough cough 150) with most of your weight sitting firmly on your bum, you can copycat this plan :) As usual all the dire disclaimers as are present on medicines and any activities you sign up for - blah blah, I take no responsibility for sprained necks, increased weight blah blah...

So ready....
* Alternate strength training and aerobic exercises *.

Aerobic - I am going to run/walk on the treadmill for atleast half an hour everyday slowly increasing time and distance and speed as I get fitter.

Strength training is a whole list of things to do which made me sooooo sore all day the next day :( Advil Zindabad or your choice of painkiller druggies..

1) Single leg balance - hamstring curls - supposedly great for burning off the fat on the butt. Becoz I am not so blogsavvy and short on time to post great pictures, I am doing the next best thing - see the link for the machine/technique http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/standing-hamstring-curl

Whatever exercise you do, dont move/sway the whole body, wrong wrong wrong....follow the instructions precisely on the machine or ask someone at your gym on observing if you are employing the correct technique. If you are in poor physical fitness condition like me, you will realise that you can only do about 10% of the action which they depict on the machine. When the trainer would show me an exercise, it would seem so simple until I would actually try it out myself :((

Do 12-15 times 3 repetitions

2) Leg drop - strengthening the glut - 12-15 times 2 reps. I couldnt find an image for this but its that thingy where you push back with one leg on the weight while lying down on your tummy or rest your chest on the other thingy standing up - have I confused you thoroughly? :)

3) Squats http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRnGI3c5Jjs Awesome video - only thing that my trainer made me do was start the squat with my arms raised then lower the arms as you squat and then jump and hold the position and then do it over and over....As many as you want.

4) Pushups - I do standing pushups - make sure to keep your body straight and bend in the elbows and try to reach with your chest as far as you can go down..kinda like this http://www.divinecaroline.com/22176/74349-exercise-tip-standing-push-ups but I use a weights machine danda instead of the wall.

Remember Salman Khan from Maine pyaar kiya doing push ups...Mmmm....I should ask P to get started on his - sigh... Do as many push ups as you like - its hard!

5) Tricep press down - with a band - its really putting the resistance band on something a little bit high up and then slowly pulling it past your body.
15-20 times 4 reps

6) Lunges - 6 each way http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJ95qwNaD78 I love this guy!

Do sideways http://www.sivamdesign.com/home/fitness/exe_pgs1/side_lun.html and this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VaMfaxaJ34 No, dont get carried away and hold weights in your hands...

7) Modified plank hold - as long as you can.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/exercises.asp?exercise=7 This is one of the awful exercises which looks oh so easy when the fit trainer drops down and does and is impossible to imitate when you try to do it :(

8) Star for back - lie on your tummy, suck in your core (Oh will tell you all about it, wait up) and lift one stretched hand and opposite leg and hold. Alternate. Do not let your hip lift up from the ground.

9) Bicep curls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1B4WK_6oH0 this lady is doing both hands at the same time, my trainer told me to do alternate using 5 lbs weight and 12-15 times.

10) There is one more exercise for the shoulders using resistance bands, this time the band is hooked on to something lower than your body right next to the ground and instead of pulling it down, you pull it up diagonal to your body and high up out -take care you keep your elbows soft and not make your hand straight and rigid when doing the action. 12-15 times 2 reps

11) Hip abductors - these are commonly available at all gyms. Do 25-30 2 reps starting out with very low weight. If you want to lose weight on hips, do not use more weights, you will have humongous muscly hips then and will be trying to track me down to hit me over the head with them :(

12) Stomach crunches - Lie on your back, suck in your gut, make sure your lower back touches the ground and raise your legs and make a table top kinda thing with your legs bent in the knees - google it please "table top stomach crunch" and do 15-20 reps.

Thats all! Phew, I am exhausted from typing these up too :( Oh yeah, anything and I mean anything you do in the gym (and she says even outside) always suck in your gut and hold. Thats strengthening your core and where is your gut, you say, its an inch or two below your belly button. So ignore the flab hanging out over and around the belly button but focus on sucking in and holding the core.

And in other great news, you will slowly start to lose weight first in your boobs and then overall slimming effect and then slowly your back etc - all insignificant places and in the end your butt :( So when you have been working out diligently and crazily, you will still look awkward and like shit for a few months and then I expect one day it will be like Boom - ooh I fit in size six jeans and look so very hot kinda deal hehehe...I think....let me find out.

So I have decided that I will do the run/walk on treadmill and 8,9 and 12 on one day and the rest on the next day and rinse and repeat. Ready to join me people??

Happy Working Out !!

Hi Ho Hi Ho Off to gym we go...

Today is day two of project Hit fit Ms.Sonia. Yesterday was my first ever in my life experience of working out with a dedicated personal trainer. Her name is Pam, she is 42 and I look way older and fatter than her. She has this amazing body and I kept my mouth shut to stop from blurting out - did you get a boob job and liposuction or is this all mehenat ki body and if so, help me get one!!

Anyways she was being very nice and all, but a while into our session, I could feel the "I am working with an uncoordinated idiot" vibes flow through her :(( I was trying but my brain and my limbs have some sort of a communication issue plus the warm up moves which she was showing me was akin to playing Twister and she had to finally yank on my leg and arrange my body to get me in the right positions :(

I was exhausted from the warm up and wanted to go home but half of my paid session was still pending so I reluctantly followed her and did some zillion painful squats and push ups. Sigh!

Today I went back to work out on my own to not stop my gym routine, now that its finally started....I ran/walked on the treadmill for thirty minutes and was determined to work out on the machines etc but at the end of my run/walk, I was so lightheaded when I got off the treadmill, that my legs just carried me into the parking lot and the car and home. I told you my limbs and brain are uncoordinated!

P said "What a waste of good money, have you forgotten we have a treadmill at home". What do husbands know! Remind me never to share my exercise routine with overambitious overachiever people like him.

Anyways I wear my cool gym pants and my cool gym t shirt and my expensive worn out running shoes but I still feel shy and awkward and clumsy when I walk into this swanky gym :( I walk upstairs on the side of the stairs where you should really walk downstairs and realise it half way when people are neatly filing past me saying "Excuse me". I walk into the treadmill area and hide in a corner spot and then am horrified to find myself right next to the mirrors and I cant stop checking myself out - Omg, my butt looks huge and what are those limp things on my tummy, oh they are my boobs and other self deprecating realizations :( I walk into the bathroom and there are all these insanely fit females with awesome figures walking around in towels. So there I am peeking at these models and making mental lists of "Oh, I should really buy some fancy underwear like that etc".

There was one class in progress - I am terrified of attending any of these team training/group classes because of my uncoordinated limbs and body and everyone in that class was so fit and kicked and punched in the air in unison/perfect coordination. How come there are no fat, saggy, flabby, out of breath, out of shape women/men in these classes? Where are the classes for these people? And where do I sign up?

Anyways I am off to research and make a super exercise plan for myself - work the butt on one day, legs on other blah blah and soon I will be a yummy mummy and people will be like "Omg, did she get a boob job and lipo done" :)

Job search woes

Anyone who has searched for a job before knows that a job search is a job in itself!! My company has paid for a two month subscription to this outplacement agency and I connected with them and am bombarded with seminars and a consultant who expects me to follow the "ideal" list of things to do. I am sitting at my desk, listening to this 2 hour seminar on how to look for a job, baby S is crying downstairs, and I am getting more and more frustrated. And my job search hasnt even begun.

Finally I hang up in the middle of the seminar and am going to take matters in my own hands :) I had been offered a role in my old company but at a location which is a 45 minute one way drive on a very good day. Most days are bad days in the winter and this commute will easily turn into a one and a half hour drive. In addition, the job profile is something that I am tired of and would prefer to stay away from. After a lot of heartache, I said No. I still panic and reach for the phone to call them and say "I made a mistake, I will take that job" :( I think sometimes looking for a new job and being unemployed is more scary and painful than staying in a boring job.

Anyhow, to stay positive and smiling, I have joined my gym where I havent really been yet, except to register and pay the enrollment fees :( In my defense, we had a huge snowstorm here which shut down everything for a couple of days and R got sick and so went my week. Baby S's nanny is very worried about my job situation. She asks me alternate day - koi interview call aaya? which freaks me out even more. Sigh!

Well once again, to remind myself of not panicking, of not falling into that downward spiral of fear and depression, S, deep breaths, you will get a good job, you will get a good job soon soon soon.....Do not worry about the future, do not worry about hypothetical situations, do not worry about the ifs and buts. Focus on the present, kiss baby S, play with R, do both with P ;) and do some job search in between and things will sort out by themselves. They always do.......but enjoy the ride this time instead of tears and frustration :)

Now to practise what I preached myself.....

A new year, a new start

My new year resolution for this year onwards is to remain positive and to worry less, especially about things in the future. And I have realised that most of my worries are about hypothetical situations in the future. What if this happens and what if that happens etc etc.

I do want to get back into shape and want to get fitter. I find that just by merely sticking to any exercise routine and getting fit works absolute marvelous wonders in all other aspects of my life. When I was training for the half marathon, I would run by myself on weekdays and run with a group on Sunday early mornings. The early morning runs were so therapeutic! Its so immensely peaceful to run outside on a beautiful summer day, early in the morning. The state park where I ran, had deer grazing in the meadows and on many occasions we saw a Mommy deer with her babies. It was a super start to the day...I crave it and wish to run a half marathon this year too, lets see.

So when I was all hit and fit, I had an elevated sense of self worth and self esteem. Clothes fit better, I had more energy and I found myself signing up to try out new things - like I signed up to play volleyball on our department team (and we won too; no thanks to me, we had expert players on our team hehe). The fundu effects of exercise/working out are not over rated. They are really true. Plus once you run something, you get bragging rights forever, I might be sagging in all places I should be holding firm and looking like a scrawny cat but people look at me with respect in their eyes when I say I ran a marathon ;) Maybe its not respect and its shock - "Really, this sack of potatoes ran a marathon, who is she kidding" ;)

To take a step in that direction, I have joined this huge flashy gym in our area. Its a huge building with everything under one roof - basket ball courts, racquetball, tennis, swimming, yoga and all the usual treadmills, weights etc. Very intimidating too. I went in for a fitness assessment which basically said that my body age is 42 as compared to my chronological age of 33 :( My flexibility sucks and my cardiovascular fitness is poor. My bicep strength is fair but surprisingly 66% of my body mass is lean! Yay!! Something to celebrate ;) Well, I need to lose about 25 pounds to reach my "ideal" body :) Easy peasy huh..I have decided my goal is to lose 12 pounds over the next three months. Have taken two personal trainer sessions and am going to go work out EVERYDAY. Say a prayer for me ;)

On the positivity resolution; I react, stress, worry, obsess and then let it go - and I have decided to do all of this in under an hour. Nothing gets carried forward to the next day EVER. When I had my miscarriage, I was convinced I would soon be holding a healthy happy baby, and exactly a year later, I was holding my beautiful smiling baby S. I am going to stay positive and think happy thoughts always.

I have a super nanny; Touch wood, anti jinx spells and all....she has the "Most Important Person" in my life status, almost neck to neck with P, R and S and my parents and all ;) Its easy to rely on her, know that baby S is being loved and cared for and focus on myself - finding a good job, working out and the zillion exciting things to be done around the house like organizing our office, filing bills away and preparing the tax returns! Sigh...

All in all I am happy today! How are you doing?

Growing up and other..

Eleven some years ago I boarded a flight to USA, a naive young girl, newly married and moving away from her parents for the first time ever in her life. On the leg from London to my city, an elderly British lady befriended me. I think we bonded over our common fear of the airplane restroom and the possibility of being stuck inside if the doors wouldnt open (AI used to have those heavy doors which you had to push in the middle to open, havent seen them since!).

The lady was on her way to see her grandson for the first time. When we landed and got through customs, she introduced me to her son and her grandson - a cute baby sitting in his stroller. I immediately bent down and talked to him and then did the unthinkable - touched his cheek. I can never forget the hasty pull back of the stroller by his father and the horrified annoyed look I got from him. I simply couldnt understand what it is, that I had done wrong when P explained to me that some folks dont like strangers touching their babies - especially when you have gotten off an international flight.

Now almost 11 years and 2 kids later, I can relate to that father. I dont know if being in this country has changed me or its the whole motherhood quotient or I have grown wiser and know the ways of the world or whatever.....I might also cringe if a complete stranger holds my baby at the airport - fresh off an international flight, maybe, might not but the possibility is there :)

I remember being amused when my school friend visited and he kissed R over and over again, unabashedly like a doting Uncle would to his favorite niece. Is it this country? Or is it me? Or is it because you are forced to grow up when you leave home and the comfort of your family and friends and have to set up your life and start all over again in new unfamiliar surroundings? Does that make you hesitant to display emotions, teach you to be more guarded, teach you to protect yourself from not displaying either extreme happiness or sadness? I dont know...

For now, I wanted to remember this incident as one of my distant acquaintances visits - a niece of my neighbor's in India. She is newly married and recently moved here. Is visiting my city during this long weekend and suddenly called me up this week to say she would like to come over. Called me twice during the day when I was sleeping and then feeding baby S and couldnt get to the phone, the third time she left an angry message saying "I cant reach you, just send me your address so I can come over". First of all I am not even pally pally with this female, secondly I have a month old infant, maybe some understanding if I dont return your call asap, atleast give me 4 hours from your last call and thirdly its the long weekend, could you please ask us if we have any plans, family visiting to see the baby etc and we might have some preferences on when we would like her to visit. Anyways I did talk nicely to her and have invited her for dinner today but it made me think.

Is it being a new mother all over again and I am tired and sleep deprived and dont have the enthu to entertain non friends, non relatives - I dont even know what category she falls into...Have I changed that now I expect people to give me formal notice of when they will visit? Actually as I type this, I realise, its not that....even in India you would call someone if you have driven 6 hours to visit their city and will drive another 45 minutes to go see them, wouldnt you want to make sure they are home and available to entertain? Especially if they have an infant at home....

Anyways....open your mind S and be more understanding, a little more patient and a bit more welcoming and give her the benefit of doubt. And when the clock chimes ten, excuse yourself and go to bed..

Edited to add: They did visit and were very sweet. She is rough around the edges but he is very very nice! I was glad we had put together a nice dinner and were available to chat nicely. They also left at ten when I had already started yawning....Have resolved to be more friendlier and welcoming to new acquaintances..

I dont want to forget....

- the giddy happiness when I first saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test.
- the feeling of relief when the initial blood test results come out normal
- the first feeling of movement inside my tummy (I cant believe I find that fascinating now, there was a time when as a teenager, the concept of anyone gushing over a baby inside a tummy sounded alien and weird to me)
- the first kick
- the excitement and anticipation when the nurse announces - you are ready, start pushing...
- the final push and the sudden drop in weight/pressure
- the choking-I cant breathe-should I smile or should I cry-overwhelmed with emotions moment when they hand the baby to you - this is my baby and she is an independent person now
- the soft soft cheeks against your own
- the little warm bundle
- the wrinkled, webbed, tiny, pink baby
- marvelling at how she fills out her body in a matter of weeks
- sweet baby breath
- the way she gazes at me intently with those beautiful beautiful eyes
- to hold that sweet sweet baby close to you, to kiss her soft hair, to hear her breathing and to keep hugging her

This is my last baby and I want to hold on, hold on to these early special days with a newborn infant. They grow up so quick and before you know it, these days fade into distant memories.

I find nowadays that I cant conjure up the exact emotions I felt at important occasions in my life or maybe I felt they were important at those times and they really werent. Which makes for an interesting experiment in your life - look back and think about which occurences can bring the same reaction to you even now and if you cant, then it wasnt really that valuable. For example - my CA results, I remember how all of us friends gathered around to view the results and then thats it, no matter how much I try, I cant bring up the reaction of the happiness I felt when I passed. I feel nothing now.

On the other hand, if I even think about my grandmother's death, and remember how I woke up early morning with my brother telling me about it over the phone, tears immediately spring to my eyes, even now, after 9 years. Same about my best friend's dad; there is a dull ache in my heart when I recall the day(s).

My wedding night, I can still smile at the memory and fall in love with P all over again, even after ten years.

Maybe this is what life is telling me, do not stress over the things which really dont matter so much....For now, I am just happy - plain and simple. Thank you God!! Happy Diwali to all of you and hope the rest of the year brings peace and happiness to all of you.