Monday, December 31, 2012

New year resolutions - a series...

As cliché as New Year resolutions might sound, I love the idea of a fresh start. The first of every month, the first of the week, the first of anything; I am a sucker for fresh starts. It feels like you have an opportunity to improve things and get to a happier place sooner.

So here are my New Year resolutions: Of course my birth dad needs to feature on my list; we have been in touch for almost 2 years now. It’s a long enough time for me to finally open my eyes and see the trend. See the actions and not just believe the words. I am but a hobby for him. I do not even know if hobby is the right word. Hobbies can be shared or proudly flaunted with others. I am his shameful hobby maybe. When he has time, he is in the mood, whatever drives him guilt, charity; he writes loving emails to me. He has restricted me to a virtual world, a relationship completely controlled by his whims. He has had multiple opportunities to share the good news (good news in my eyes) with his family and close friends that he has found his first born. And at every single occasion, he has turned away, choosing to keep me hidden. Not wanting to disturb his routine. I cannot call him when I please, I have to write to him and then wait for him to reply back. Sometimes its weeks before he replies and I am in the dark the whole time. I have no idea if he is dead or alive, disinterested or left….he insists we have a father-daughter relationship when this is best a cordial formal distant relationship. And I have finally realized that I do not matter to him. I am nobody in his life and he has no intentions to change it ever. I was making a mistake comparing our relationship to the other father-daughters in my life, hell even his life – he and his daughter. That was my folly. We are not; he was merely the cause of my birth. My birth mother had walked out in her early stages of pregnancy, there must not have been any celebration of pregnancy, of my life starting for him, that celebration was shrouded by the pain and insult of his wife leaving him. He turned his back on me and never looked back. Never tried to find me, never inquired of my well being until I contacted him. One of Albus Dumbeldore’s famous quotes from the Harry Potter series is “It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities”. My birth Dad is well known, a pioneer in his field, well respected and loved by many, but to me, he will always remain the guy who chose to walk away again and again.

My resolution for next year and forward is to stop the tears and the expectation and accept the reality – only because you fathered a girl doesn’t mean you are a father. My father has shown me a million times and over how someone can be a father without being genetically linked. My gentle, loving, down to earth unassuming father, who didn’t forbid me from being in touch with my birth Dad, who let me go do what my heart pleased, has taught me the power of unconditional love and parenting. I owe it to my family to stop crying and getting depressed over someone who will not treat me right.