So its time again to make a list of all the zillion things stressing me out...its always helped me, when I cant sleep and cry in the middle of the night, to write down my lists of things that are bothering me until it becomes clear that most of them are not worth losing my sleep over...
1) I miss my blog. When I started writing my blog, I thought I was writing it for myself and not for the occasional readers. And now when I have made it private, I miss yelling out aloud into the virtual world. I can never stand writing diaries or keeping my thoughts hidden in the innermost compartments of my mind. I am a very open person and I need to share/talk/communicate. I cannot stand this private business.
2) We got a notice from IRS for a whopping penalty (in the thousands of dollars)!! :((( All because I procrastinated on printing and mailing a form. We received the notice on May 16 and were asked to send in the information within 30 days. We faxed the information on June 16, not 30 days technically. I feel horrible. I am too tired to even pray to all Gods to save us from this.
3) Today I was talking to my mother. Over some other topic, she mentioned that I am so straight forward and honest and nice. I had tears in my eyes. How can my mother in law and sister in law view me as evil when everyone else in my life loves me so?
4) I am deeply hurt by how little my sister in law cares for me. There has been no phone call since my reaching out. She really doesnt fricking give a rats ass. Do I deserve this?
5) I am terrible to R. I yelled at her non stop for fifty minutes! fifty fricking minutes today while I fed her dinner. Every bite was a negotiation, every bite was gulped down with tears and whining and yelling from me. I was exhausted at night and when she wouldnt sleep and my grovelling and begging at her feet to sleep wouldnt work, I turned to my most petty self and said I hoped she had a new Mommy in the morning. She was so sad and cried and said No Mommy, I only want you, I will sleep and slept. And then I felt like someone had put a knife through my heart.
6) I am fat. I will never be pretty and slim and have an awesome figure or have beautiful hair or anything. I am ugly and destined to be such. And my baby R thinks I am the most beautiful woman in this world. Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up. When will this adoration for her mommy pass and then she will see the truth? My horrible thunder thighs, my huge butt. Why cant I be slimmer and zero size?
7) There were so many things/projects I had planned to do around the house and I have accomplished nothing. Nada. Zero. And now my job will start in a week's time and then there will be no time left for anything whatsoever.
8) Sometimes I wish I was secure enough to take a break from it all. But my self esteem is so fragile and so very dependent on earning my own money and working that I cannot bring myself to be a stay at home mom. I feel like I will lose all value in my husband's eyes if I stay home. And then I will be forever struggling to meet his expectations as perceived by me.
9) When did life get so hard? It was supposed to be easy and fun? When can I stop hurting and stop getting hurt by people? What is the difference between me and my birth mother then. Can I ever move on and not be hurt by the fact that no one from my immediate in laws cares for me or thinks good of me?
10) Lighter is how I feel after writing this post. Sleep is what I need the most. I need to stop making unrealistic expectations from myself. We have two young kids. Life is supposed to be tough. Leave the rest and enjoy this time before it slips away...