Friday, February 25, 2011

Kabhi khushi kabhi gam

I found the culprit to my dukh - its my periods. One of my friends told me that some women get depressed at that "time of the month". P doesnt believe me and thinks its just a major scam thought up by women all over who want to justify their crankiness and tendency to stress over faltu things. But then P has said all the hazaar things you should not say to your wife/girlfriend during that time of the month. For example: How old are you now? 33? How come you are not used to the pain by now? Now he knows better and pretends to be sympathetic. That will do too :))

Plus I talked to my parents. My mother uses this "guilt me into cheering up" technique on me nowadays.

Sonia: Mommy, whine whine whine (over some silly insignificant issues)
Mom: Ya ya, you will feel better soon/you will get a job soon/R will sleep through the night soon etc etc.....Did you know cousin X got cancer detected and has gone through chemo sessions and has lost all her hair? I had called her and she is so positive, she said she feels good now and wears a cap to cover her baldness. Her son and daughter in law are in Bangalore and she is in Pune by herself but she prefers to stay in her home surrounded by her familiar city.
Me: Thinking to myself - Omigod, I am horrible. I will stop whining right now!

And then I shut up and think positive and thank god over and over for all the wonderful things that I have in life and to give me strength to face all the other inconvenient situations that might come my way etc etc :)

A long time back I had read the book - Seven habits of highly effective people. I had really loved it and one of the things the author has said is to imagine a big red STOP sign when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts. It does immensely help to do that. So now I am back to saying STOP to myself mentally when I find myself drifting along to unproductive thoughts.

Well...thank you, all of you for your sweet words and concern and love. I feel so much better already and will not be whining again (I hope)..I hope all of you have a great day and weekend too...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A smile is harder than a sad face...

Yeah staying cheerful is hard work on some days. I had to go back to work for a bit again and it again depressed me. I think if I had a job lined up already, I wouldnt feel this way. I went to the gym and was depressed looking at the others. I felt like I was the only fat slob in town. I half heartedly worked out for a little bit and came home. My heart isnt in anything. I want to go out, when I go out, I want to go home. I want to be with my baby, I want to work. I want to be fit, I dont want to work out. I want my Mommy :( I dont want to go to India. Maybe sulking for some time will help, only if it doesnt lead to more self pity....

Oh yay, I feel so much better already.....for the two people who read my blog and others, please ignore this post. I can only call up my friends and family so many times to vent in person. Pretty soon they will be enormously bored with my constant whining. My blog and my laptop cannot complain so here is my space to whine :)

Hope all of you are having a better day!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

End of self pity :)

Yesterday I had to go to my office to get my laptop fixed before I need to give it away. My last day with them is approaching fast and I wanted to make sure I had all of my personal stuff off the work computer. As I am still technically on maternity leave, the security guard required someone from HR to come downstairs and let me in and I don't know what went on but no one seemed to show up. So there I was sitting in the lobby like a visitor for almost 2 1/2 hours while I waited for the IT technician to show up, then take my computer away, then try to figure out how to fix it. In the meantime people walked in and out of the lobby, many of them who knew me stopped by to chat - Some asked "Are you here for a job interview?", others gasped and were shocked that I turned down a job offer from my company (the location was a 45 minute one way commute on a good day, realistically I would be on the road for three hours everyday), others said with pitiful looks that they kept me in their prayers (who died!) while some had the audacity to tell me that the market is tough outside. What the hell, if you have a job, why would you say that to someone who doesn't have one!

Anyways those 2 1/2 hours of sitting in the lobby like a stranger were so painful. Maybe if I wasn't let go, I wouldn't have felt so bad but yesterday I was fighting back tears. I have worked in that office, on that campus for 7 years now, the security guard knows me by name but still no one would let me in. Companies are cold and ruthless that way. It was a good cleansing closure kind of experience though, I refused to cry outwardly, brushed away my tears, chatted gaily with all and sundry and waited for my stupid worthless piece of junk laptop to be returned to me.

While leaving, I was done with them. Even now when I drive past, I think of it as home, not anymore, ties are severed. I wonder how people who work at a certain place for 20+ years feel, when they get let go.

I went to my favorite book store and bought a humongous chocolate chip cookie and an iced coffee and inhaled both and shopped for books and what not and finally took a deep breath and felt better :)

So now baby steps for everything....P has assured me over and over not to freak out and think we are headed for doomsday separation etc and has made me realize that his parents, even though they have numerous character flaws, are not khatarnaak and vicious as the Sasu Mas depicted in the soap operas on Indian TV. So after making it clear that I was not signing up for moving in with them or green card or even six months stay every year, I have promised to take the first re conciliatory step by talking nicely with them when we call this weekend and every subsequent phone conversation.

I also talked to a recruiter who said she loved my resume and not to worry, the market is getting better etc :) I refuse to worry about my job. I refuse to worry about my nanny. I refuse to worry.

I am going to enjoy my time with baby S and my drama queen R. I am going to go work out everyday - I was so busy crying over the past few days that I skipped gym :( I am going to focus on my job search. I am going to put some time aside for my home decoration khayali pulao ideas which I have made over the x no of years but never found the time to actually execute on them.

So thats where I am at, self pity is done, never again will I allow someone to pull me down and step on me, always turn towards the sun and smile :)

Monday, February 21, 2011

The big fight

My dear babies S and R,

Its entirely because of you that I am a stronger person today. I am career focused and want to find a good job. I want to earn good money and be able to provide good things for you. I am involved in your day to day activities and want to make sure you get everything you need - my time, my attention, my love, my money....Its also because of you both that when things get tough between me and Daddy (solely because of his parents, we have no other issues between us and love each other dearly otherwise), I do not run away.

It would have been so tempting to pack my bags and go away and teach him (and them) a lesson, to find out for ourselves if we can survive without each other. But its you both who stop me.

I have given birth to you and its my duty and responsibility to ensure that you have a happy childhood, a happy home, loving parents and you both grow up to be strong and independent and sensitive women. Remember this forever, I hope to God that when you are grown up, you never compromise on who you are and what you can be, because of someone else. I have stood strong so that I can give you both strength.

Remember never ever to sacrifice your life for hypothetically making someone else happy. Its not worth it. Remember never to think you owe something to someone just merely by the fact that they are older than you. If they have had double the amount of time as you on this earth and every single one of your interactions have been selfish on their part, you owe them nothing. Remember to be good and fair and loving but focus on what you need out of life. And you can never ever make someone else happy if they choose not to be. I hope you grow up knowing gratitude and satisfaction. Remember to express both in all situations. Remember to be thankful for all the good things and people you have in your life and to let go and free yourself of all the other painful elements. All those sayings about how gold gets brighter after it has been through a fire, understand what it means. Dont think it means you should stay put in a sucky situation and be meek and put your head down and chupchap tolerate unpleasantness inflicted by someone else and slowly rot away inside and turn into some person which is not you. I never want you to look back on your life and go "I wish I wouldnt have wasted away my life like this".Take it to mean to work hard for the relationships, the career, the hobbies, the love that is worth it, that is enriching and uplifting and which makes you a better person.

Daddy and I have that love, my darlings. And we still are holding each other's hands strongly and we will not let go. Without sounding like I am tooting my own horn, I want you to know that every single relationship that I have had since I was a child, has been complete and beautiful. My parents think I am a wonderful daughter, my siblings love me to death and vice versa, my best friends and me share an awesome "I got your back" relationship, my birth mom, my extended family, everyone I meet, my colleagues - no complaints anywhere but there are two people (and maybe my sister in law, but who knows what she thinks) that are constantly disappointed in me. And for whom I refuse to bend over and kill myself inside and turn into that person that would make them happy. I refuse to compromise my relationship with my husband and the happiness in my babies's childhood just to cater to their whims and fancies. And for that I gladly accept"the world's worst bahu" label and sermons on how I should be a better daughter in law from third parties. I am willing to take that over everything else...

Stay strong, stay beautiful, stay sweet, stay loving, be compassionate, have empathy, have a great career, have hobbies, enjoy your life, love and be loved and also sacrifice and compromise but in moderation. Love you my sweeties.

Your Mommy

Monday, February 14, 2011

Free Free Free

Free exercise plan available here ;)

I had my second (and final) session with the trainer (that is all that I can afford for now) and she has done an awesome job of making a customized workout schedule for me. So if you are about 5 feet four inches tall and around 145 (cough cough 150) with most of your weight sitting firmly on your bum, you can copycat this plan :) As usual all the dire disclaimers as are present on medicines and any activities you sign up for - blah blah, I take no responsibility for sprained necks, increased weight blah blah...

So ready....
* Alternate strength training and aerobic exercises *.

Aerobic - I am going to run/walk on the treadmill for atleast half an hour everyday slowly increasing time and distance and speed as I get fitter.

Strength training is a whole list of things to do which made me sooooo sore all day the next day :( Advil Zindabad or your choice of painkiller druggies..

1) Single leg balance - hamstring curls - supposedly great for burning off the fat on the butt. Becoz I am not so blogsavvy and short on time to post great pictures, I am doing the next best thing - see the link for the machine/technique

Whatever exercise you do, dont move/sway the whole body, wrong wrong wrong....follow the instructions precisely on the machine or ask someone at your gym on observing if you are employing the correct technique. If you are in poor physical fitness condition like me, you will realise that you can only do about 10% of the action which they depict on the machine. When the trainer would show me an exercise, it would seem so simple until I would actually try it out myself :((

Do 12-15 times 3 repetitions

2) Leg drop - strengthening the glut - 12-15 times 2 reps. I couldnt find an image for this but its that thingy where you push back with one leg on the weight while lying down on your tummy or rest your chest on the other thingy standing up - have I confused you thoroughly? :)

3) Squats Awesome video - only thing that my trainer made me do was start the squat with my arms raised then lower the arms as you squat and then jump and hold the position and then do it over and over....As many as you want.

4) Pushups - I do standing pushups - make sure to keep your body straight and bend in the elbows and try to reach with your chest as far as you can go down..kinda like this but I use a weights machine danda instead of the wall.

Remember Salman Khan from Maine pyaar kiya doing push ups...Mmmm....I should ask P to get started on his - sigh... Do as many push ups as you like - its hard!

5) Tricep press down - with a band - its really putting the resistance band on something a little bit high up and then slowly pulling it past your body.
15-20 times 4 reps

6) Lunges - 6 each way I love this guy!

Do sideways and this No, dont get carried away and hold weights in your hands...

7) Modified plank hold - as long as you can. This is one of the awful exercises which looks oh so easy when the fit trainer drops down and does and is impossible to imitate when you try to do it :(

8) Star for back - lie on your tummy, suck in your core (Oh will tell you all about it, wait up) and lift one stretched hand and opposite leg and hold. Alternate. Do not let your hip lift up from the ground.

9) Bicep curls this lady is doing both hands at the same time, my trainer told me to do alternate using 5 lbs weight and 12-15 times.

10) There is one more exercise for the shoulders using resistance bands, this time the band is hooked on to something lower than your body right next to the ground and instead of pulling it down, you pull it up diagonal to your body and high up out -take care you keep your elbows soft and not make your hand straight and rigid when doing the action. 12-15 times 2 reps

11) Hip abductors - these are commonly available at all gyms. Do 25-30 2 reps starting out with very low weight. If you want to lose weight on hips, do not use more weights, you will have humongous muscly hips then and will be trying to track me down to hit me over the head with them :(

12) Stomach crunches - Lie on your back, suck in your gut, make sure your lower back touches the ground and raise your legs and make a table top kinda thing with your legs bent in the knees - google it please "table top stomach crunch" and do 15-20 reps.

Thats all! Phew, I am exhausted from typing these up too :( Oh yeah, anything and I mean anything you do in the gym (and she says even outside) always suck in your gut and hold. Thats strengthening your core and where is your gut, you say, its an inch or two below your belly button. So ignore the flab hanging out over and around the belly button but focus on sucking in and holding the core.

And in other great news, you will slowly start to lose weight first in your boobs and then overall slimming effect and then slowly your back etc - all insignificant places and in the end your butt :( So when you have been working out diligently and crazily, you will still look awkward and like shit for a few months and then I expect one day it will be like Boom - ooh I fit in size six jeans and look so very hot kinda deal hehehe...I think....let me find out.

So I have decided that I will do the run/walk on treadmill and 8,9 and 12 on one day and the rest on the next day and rinse and repeat. Ready to join me people??

Happy Working Out !!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hi Ho Hi Ho Off to gym we go...

Today is day two of project Hit fit Ms.Sonia. Yesterday was my first ever in my life experience of working out with a dedicated personal trainer. Her name is Pam, she is 42 and I look way older and fatter than her. She has this amazing body and I kept my mouth shut to stop from blurting out - did you get a boob job and liposuction or is this all mehenat ki body and if so, help me get one!!

Anyways she was being very nice and all, but a while into our session, I could feel the "I am working with an uncoordinated idiot" vibes flow through her :(( I was trying but my brain and my limbs have some sort of a communication issue plus the warm up moves which she was showing me was akin to playing Twister and she had to finally yank on my leg and arrange my body to get me in the right positions :(

I was exhausted from the warm up and wanted to go home but half of my paid session was still pending so I reluctantly followed her and did some zillion painful squats and push ups. Sigh!

Today I went back to work out on my own to not stop my gym routine, now that its finally started....I ran/walked on the treadmill for thirty minutes and was determined to work out on the machines etc but at the end of my run/walk, I was so lightheaded when I got off the treadmill, that my legs just carried me into the parking lot and the car and home. I told you my limbs and brain are uncoordinated!

P said "What a waste of good money, have you forgotten we have a treadmill at home". What do husbands know! Remind me never to share my exercise routine with overambitious overachiever people like him.

Anyways I wear my cool gym pants and my cool gym t shirt and my expensive worn out running shoes but I still feel shy and awkward and clumsy when I walk into this swanky gym :( I walk upstairs on the side of the stairs where you should really walk downstairs and realise it half way when people are neatly filing past me saying "Excuse me". I walk into the treadmill area and hide in a corner spot and then am horrified to find myself right next to the mirrors and I cant stop checking myself out - Omg, my butt looks huge and what are those limp things on my tummy, oh they are my boobs and other self deprecating realizations :( I walk into the bathroom and there are all these insanely fit females with awesome figures walking around in towels. So there I am peeking at these models and making mental lists of "Oh, I should really buy some fancy underwear like that etc".

There was one class in progress - I am terrified of attending any of these team training/group classes because of my uncoordinated limbs and body and everyone in that class was so fit and kicked and punched in the air in unison/perfect coordination. How come there are no fat, saggy, flabby, out of breath, out of shape women/men in these classes? Where are the classes for these people? And where do I sign up?

Anyways I am off to research and make a super exercise plan for myself - work the butt on one day, legs on other blah blah and soon I will be a yummy mummy and people will be like "Omg, did she get a boob job and lipo done" :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Job search woes

Anyone who has searched for a job before knows that a job search is a job in itself!! My company has paid for a two month subscription to this outplacement agency and I connected with them and am bombarded with seminars and a consultant who expects me to follow the "ideal" list of things to do. I am sitting at my desk, listening to this 2 hour seminar on how to look for a job, baby S is crying downstairs, and I am getting more and more frustrated. And my job search hasnt even begun.

Finally I hang up in the middle of the seminar and am going to take matters in my own hands :) I had been offered a role in my old company but at a location which is a 45 minute one way drive on a very good day. Most days are bad days in the winter and this commute will easily turn into a one and a half hour drive. In addition, the job profile is something that I am tired of and would prefer to stay away from. After a lot of heartache, I said No. I still panic and reach for the phone to call them and say "I made a mistake, I will take that job" :( I think sometimes looking for a new job and being unemployed is more scary and painful than staying in a boring job.

Anyhow, to stay positive and smiling, I have joined my gym where I havent really been yet, except to register and pay the enrollment fees :( In my defense, we had a huge snowstorm here which shut down everything for a couple of days and R got sick and so went my week. Baby S's nanny is very worried about my job situation. She asks me alternate day - koi interview call aaya? which freaks me out even more. Sigh!

Well once again, to remind myself of not panicking, of not falling into that downward spiral of fear and depression, S, deep breaths, you will get a good job, you will get a good job soon soon soon.....Do not worry about the future, do not worry about hypothetical situations, do not worry about the ifs and buts. Focus on the present, kiss baby S, play with R, do both with P ;) and do some job search in between and things will sort out by themselves. They always do.......but enjoy the ride this time instead of tears and frustration :)

Now to practise what I preached myself.....