Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Mental smack

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to make myself invisible like Mr.India or possess an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. It would be so very useful to turn invisible and smack moronic people on the head and then resume your conversation with them patiently.

I was so excited when a desi family moved in, just a couple of houses away from us. They have a young daughter and I imagined us bonding over impromptu evening dinners and such. No such luck! The lady of the house; the idiot girl and I really do not share the same wavelength. I actually get along very well and am quite fond of her mother in law, with whom she shares a very uncomfortable relationship with :)

Anyhow, she has a MBA from a leading business school and is quite proud of it but Missy, it doesnt show anywhere, you are still as crass and unsophisticated as the next bum on the road! She has said so many inappropriate things to me. Last fall, when they visited during my whole pregnancy saga, I hadnt yet miscarried and I mentioned to her tearfully that maybe this is for the best and in a way I might be relieved when this is all over. She calls me the day after my miscarriage and surgery and is surprised to hear me sound low and says "Arey tuney hi toh bola tha you will be relieved, why are you not happy?" Ummm idiot!

She called me yesterday saying "For some reason, I was thinking you are going to deliver in June". Well that was my due date from my last pregnancy, idiot, any woman who has delivered a child should be more aware of this. So she was asking about child care arrangements after the baby is born etc, and I said "Ya, we need to look for a nanny, I will have to ask you for advice because you have seen the good and bad (they have had a nanny for their child ever since her birth)". So she goes "Arey peheley sab theek toh honey do, last time ki tarah is baar problem toh nahin hain na?". Tears sprung to my eyes and I fought back irritation and calmly said "No, there is no problem this time etc". B%^&ch, I am entering my third trimester, dont you dare nazar lavofy my pregnancy, at this juncture, you pretty much assume that you wont have any problems with your pregnancy. I was so upset last evening and my pregnancy hormones ensure that I can longer shrug off any kind of unpleasant episodes without mulling over it too long. So I am giving myself therapy by venting here, venting to my family and I am not such a big person to pray to God for forgiveness for her or anything, I am rather going to hope she faces the same things in life that I have had and develops some more compassion towards people in similar situations.

Oh yeah, and The Great's thoughts about layoff - If the company really needs you and values you, they will never lay you off. Really!! In today's world? Open your eyes, glamor MBA, look around and see whats happening, its all about the bottom line now. I hope she gets a kick in the ass soon and no red carpet exit. And I hope none of this ill wishing that I am doing for her boomerangs back to me :)) God, you know, I am a nice person, dont you? :) So all of you, who are reading this post, I hope you nod your head in agreement and say "Yes, what an idiot!" (to the girl, not to me)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Stress buster

I am in serious need of a stressbuster......taking stock of all the zillion stupid things which worry me seems to help me and as this is my blog and not a person, I can freely abuse it in any way I want to, by venting time and again, so here is my list:

1) I am fat. I am officially fat and overweight. Watching videos of a recent visit to a farm, I was surprised to see a baby elephant waddling among the farm animals. Surprise turned to shock as I also realised it was me :(( My butt and my tummy are almost the same size. I feel as if I am in someone else's body and need to step out. Watching videos of myself constantly amazes me, as in my mind, I am still the girl with the 110 pound fit body.

2) I have insomnia. I lie awake for hours at night. Every small thing sets me off - P's snoring, if it is a hot day, hunger......I eat many snacks all through the night hoping it will put me back to sleep. But I still lie awake....Thats why I am fatter, and it is frustrating as hell to lie awake at night. I am grateful to be working, I swear if I were unemployed, I would drop R, come back home and head straight to bed....which brings me to....

3) I will not have a job next year. I will be officially unemployed. I do not have the discipline or the desire to stay at home. If I take a break and stay home, I know I will put myself up to all these insane expectations from myself and drive myself and P crazy. I do think its easier to go to work for me and to cut myself slack. Its okay if R ate macaroni and cheese twice in a row, the important thing is I spent all evening playing with her etc...My current boss is already telling me about all these internal opportunities which I should be interviewing for....

4) Which brings me to my resume.....I dont have time to update my resume...Should I focus on meeting current deadlines, leave on time to spend time with my visiting father and of course my baby girl or should I leave everything aside and get working on that resume and interview. I know for sure, if this was me in a different personal situation, I would be on the phone talking to hazaar people for a job. But even though the prospect of being unemployed terrifies me, I yearn for the peace and low pressure right now, for the next few months. I just want to focus on my current deadlines, not take on anything new, not have anyone expect anything from me, not have Sonia expect from Sonia and chill and take it easy.....

5) I had thought being told that your position is eliminated means a paid vacation till your last day. But nothing has changed! I still have the same work pressure, same deadlines, same accountability and responsibility. But with the resentment, I am low on patience towards idiotic co workers and feel unjustly punished for not having a job next year while these morons will continue to be employed. I have all these things I need to do around the house but no time....And do I really want all that time.

6) I want to have it all - I look back and realise I was so super lucky with R. As soon as I came back from maternity leave I rotated to a flex time job internally, working only 24 hours a week. It was awesome! I had all this time with my baby, I was also working and in touch with my field, I had a very understanding boss......I miss it now....I want to have it all - a job, flexible hours, time with my kids.....sigh....

Well, its not bad, I know what I need to always always helps to prioritise things in your mind, I have a horrible work week coming up but I will find time and refresh my resume, apply for that internal job, will leave a bit early today so I can come home and spend that last evening with Dad, will leave on time everyday so I can pick up R on time before she burns out in daycare. I will get a dabba from someone so I have my evenings free to work out a little bit and spend time with R and P. And about this insomnia, there are always blog posts to write and read :)) The internet is a wonderful companion at lonely hours :) Aww I rock, I am my best cheerleader...Now off I go to the fridge to feed myself shamelessly and try to sleep for the next hour or two before its time to get up and go go go....