Thursday, June 2, 2016

Why is life so damn hard sometimes?

You know how it are going along, bitching about some minor thing, making a mountain out of a molehill and life dumps a thousand of the most annoying, frustrating little shit bombs it can find. Nothing goes your way. Its one thing after the other. Non stop! And you dust yourself off and stand up and tell yourself tomorrow will be better and tomorrow comes and knocks you down again.

I know life makes sense in hindsight but it would really really help to know what I am learning out of these punishing situations.

So I am going to make a list of all the shit and what I have learnt from it:
1. I have learnt that you can no longer trust a doctor completely. The family doctors of the past, the ones, who you unquestionably devotedly trusted, the ones whose medicines - the numerous small pills and the awful syrups brought you back spanking new in a mere two three days. Those doctors are gone. Today's doctors need to be looked at with suspicion, independent research needs to be done and their approaches need to be challenged and a HUGE hue and cry raised when you do not seem to feel better after weeks of trying their approach.
2. When life painfully pushes/nudges you in a corner and holds you down, when you are at your worst and feel your worst and behave your worst, when the chips are truly down; you know how many still stand by you. And the answer is painful itself. But I will remember those who did and cherish them forever.
3. Sometimes you really need to only think about yourself.
4. Good guys don't win, not in the end, not in the beginning, not in the middle. So its okay not to be so good to everyone.
5. If you were fortunate to find a good man and he stands by you through all the shitty situations, make sure to hold his hand tightly and never let go even if everything is disappointing and unsatisfying.
6. Some people turn on a dime; courage is very very hard and very rare. Very few people will stand up for the truth and to fight against the bad. Most will find it convenient to shut their mouths and go with the flow.
7. The things/people you thought you couldn't live without; your heart becomes resilient and somehow manages to sustain their void and moves on.
8. What's broken once can be fixed, but can never be as it was before. It is forever changed.
9. Health is wealth - such a generic saying, but never have realized how true it was.
10. Stress and worrying can kill

I have finally handed in my resignation and it has been finally accepted. Many people tried to talk me out of it, told me to hang in there until I can find another job and then leave or asked me to be patient and see if the situation changes. I have no more patience. I have no more energy.

Tomorrow is my last day. Today I got a call from a recruiter asking if I would like to do some consulting. I am not ready. I want to wait. But P still does not have a full time job. He is doing his contract work which is quite boring. I see the sadness and defeat in his eyes. I am not sure if he is putting in enough efforts to find another full time job. I am not sure if he knows what he wants to do in his life next. I am not sure if I have the heart to turn down a sure shot thing and focus on relaxing. I am not sure if I can enjoy my time off with this humongous uncertainty looming on us. I so desperately want someone else to be strong and say I am here, I will take care of you. But then I realize there is no one. No one.

I don't know if this will change. I don't know if it will get better or worse. I don't know why this is happening to me while apparently there are a zillion others who have things go their way. I am too afraid to remind myself that there are also a billion others who have far worse problems than me. I am convinced I will immediately inherit their problems. So I keep quiet. And smile. And try to push all my worries away. And try to not think negatively or positively because how much hope and pep talking can one give oneself, there is a limit! So I don't think. And I keep going on. And some day fate might decide to take pity on us and luck might smile our way.