Thursday, April 29, 2010

Happy days

I had my end of first trimester ultrasound yesterday. Everything is just fine. The ultrasound technician was so sweet, she took the time to explain everything she was looking at and kept up the reassuring comments..The staff at my doctor's office all shared in my happiness on learning about the normal ultrasound. I wanted to reach in and hug my cutie baby - he/she was dancing all around and the tech had to keep up with him/her. I am already eagerly waiting to hold my baby in my arms and kiss her/him over and over and over....

We told R yesterday, she was thrilled! She kept hugging my tummy and wanting to feel the baby. She insists that we have a baby girl because she wants a sister. Now she is announcing to all and sundry that my Mommy has my baby sister in her tummy. Life feels so peaceful and happy - I want to hold on to this moment forever.

I called my birth mom to give her the news, even though she already knew. She was very happy for me. I realised at that time how rare it is to have people who are genuinely interested in your well being and are happy in your happiness. If we stop to think and count the people who love you unconditionally, how many would we get? I am so blessed to have my handful of family and friends who stand by me through thick and thin, even though some people might be more adept at handling the tougher situations in life than others.

My gyne also told me I am overweight and should go on a diet :( Isnt pregnancy the time when you can morph into a huge elephant and people will still go "Aww you glow". I am 5 feet four and weigh 150 pounds :( I used to be 118 pounds once upon a I am looking at dieticians who will help me plan my meals and most importantly my snacks...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Sometimes I really do feel like an orphan. My idiot sister mentioned to my half sister that our mother had delayed her US trip (to accomodate my delivery schedule) so the news travelled to my birth mom who called up my mother (her sister) to ask why. I am still waiting for my ultrasound - end of first trimester to announce my pregnancy. I want to say it happily, without any doubts - I am pregnant!

Anyways my mother told my birth mom that she also didnt know until a few days earlier and that also because she had to book her tickets blah blah, when in fact she knew about my pregnancy from the first week I found out. Why would you lie? Why do you feel guilty admitting that your daughter confides in you? Everytime my mother tries to justify or hide the fact how close she and I are, every time I feel alienated. I am reminded that even though she is my mother on paper and for all other purposes, she never rightfully claims the right to be called my mother. Why? It hurts me to no end.

Yes, my birth mother gave birth to me in exceedingly painful circumstances; she was getting divorced and what not. But what is my fault in it? I thank God everyday that my father persuaded my Grandmother to let me go stay with them. I seriously doubt my mental well being and progress in life if I would have stayed on with them. If I have never ever in all these years, and I am a good 33 years old now, ever confided or shared my happiest moments or bluest episodes with my birth mom; why the sudden expectation now? Just because everything has worked out for everyone and right now, right now she is happy and at peace too. Just because of that, I am expected to share this wonderful mother-daughter bond with her? Just because she delivered me, just because I came through her body? Just because she cried over me and lamented and predicted that I was going to have the same bad luck as she had and Oh, how much tension she had in life because she was busy worrying about me and who would marry me, the daughter of a divorcee?

My mother who is torn between her loyalty to her sister and her loyalty towards her daughter (I hope she has some of it) is defending her sister. Sister wins. If this is going to continue, I disown my mother too then. If you so generously and thoughtlessly can offer the daughter you raised to your sister, then I can also force my heart to stop caring. I dont want anyone, I am fine without a mother..

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Scary dreams

Nowadays I have nightmares most nights. I dont know if it is because deep down I am incessantly worried about my pregnancy or because I always get nightmares when I am hungry in the middle of the night; which I am, nowadays, I wake up and have to eat a snack. Today I woke up thinking I was outside one of the souks - (I have already forgotten the name) in Dubai and it was late and I couldnt get a cab back to my hotel.

A couple of years back I had gone on a business trip to Dubai, all by myself. So of course I had an option of returning back to my hotel room and ordering room service every evening or going out by myself and visiting all the normal touristy places. I was assured by my colleagues that Dubai was extremely safe for a lone female traveller so off I would go every evening, on recommendations or looking in my guide book. And I am glad I did, I hit most of the places to see (though Burj Al Arab wouldnt let me in because I had no appointment and was wearing jeans and sneakers) but anyways..

One of these recommendations was to a Sanjeev Kapoor restaurant. Of course they forgot to mention that they always travel by car and wouldnt know about cab arrangements. The restaurant was not in the best of locations flanked on both sides by girl clubs or night clubs or whatever they are called. I took a cab and reached there around eight; I was so excited with the prospect of eating there. When I went upstairs to the restaurant (its in a simple one story building by itself), the staff told me that they were expecting a big party at 8.30 and would I be able to eat quickly and leave by then. NO. I was there at eight, that would have given me ten minutes to gobble my food after a 15 minute serving time. So I left, disappointed. When I got downstairs, I looked around for the first time. There were no cabs in sight, I stood outside the restaurant for the longest time and tried to wait for a cab. It was already dark and suddenly my cheerful mood disappeared; hunger and the fear of being in a place unknown took over. The music from the clubs nearby was blaring loud and I felt like cars were slowing down to look at me. I asked the watchman and he said my best bet was to get to the main road to hail a cab. So I started walking towards the main road (it would have been a good 15 minute walk) plus my heels started sinking in the sand so it made it more difficult. Plus I was beginning to slowly freak out, the whole atmosphere of the location with the two huge night clubs reminded me of every bad Hindi movie where the heroine gets kidnapped. I didnt have a cell phone, P had no idea where I was, I started praying fervently. Please please please, let a cab come by.

My aunt in law always says that God appears in the form of someone when you need him/her. To my good fortune, a cab pulled by, the driver said he would charge me double (I have no idea why, maybe he realised that I was scared and wanted to make a quick buck?). I said I dont care, just get me to my hotel. I have relived that walk in the sand in the dark evening many times after that and have been scared about what could have been. But it was a happy ending and thats all that matters. I got to my hotel safe and sound and researched thoroughly the cab options before I ventured out again the day after :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Reason # 221 to have kids and other...

Today morning I was singing Pardesi girl (from Dostana).....
Me: Whos the hottest girl in the world?
R: Pausing to brush her teeth to yell - its you Mommy!
Hehe.....where would you have such an adoring fan club? (Husbands dont count as they are unreliable in that department, atleast mine is, with the compliments ie)

Well in other news, I had my first ultrasound appointment yesterday. The doctor's office has a new ultrasound machine so P and I were taken aback at the clear image of the little baby waving his/her arms and legs and dancing almost. I was in tears the whole time as the technician kept reassuring me that everything looked fine, measurements were fine etc.

Now next ultrasound/blood test in in the last week of April which will also signify end of first trimester. Once I get the results of those tests, I will announce to the whole wide world (this is a first for me having kept my mouth shut so long) that I am pregnant! More than the whole wide world, I cannot wait to tell R. P is terrified and wants to make sure we pick the right moment when she is feeling happy and generous because that conversation could go either way. She could be a terrific older sister, doting and adoring and all that or just a devilish monster, hating to share her Mommy with someone else.. When I had asked her hypothetically if Mommy and Daddy can get another baby home? She had choked back tears and said "Noooooooo, I am only Mommy Daddy's baby".

I am sure my birth mom's first question will be "Is everything okay this time around? Are you sure? Is the baby's development okay? Are you sure? Does the doctor have any doubts?..". That woman can never ever focus on the positives and you can count on her to create panic and anxiety in every situation when you would rather stand strong.

My parents of course know, they are my rock, my anchor! Thank God for second chances and giving me the most awesomest parents ever....I am what I am and do what I do, all because of them...