Friday, August 19, 2011

The shattering of my heart....

Remember this...when a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? Similarly if your heart breaks inside and you cannot share it with the people closest to you, should one gather the pieces quietly and pretend its not broken??

From the past couple of weeks, I have this premonition, this nagging feel, know that little voice in your head trying to awaken you to reality....I have realised my Dad thinks of me only as his pen friend, someone to send emails to as and when he pleases, someone he can say I love you and write sappy things about how beautiful his wife is and how awesome his children are and in general how perfect everyone in their khandaan is. A captive audience, an ever adoring and forgiving girlfriend. But Dad has no intentions of giving any promotion to his love in the virtual world. No, in his mind, she stays right where she is. Yes, he agreed to meet me, but it was only after I threw a fit. Slowly I am beginning to feel that maybe it is a bad idea to meet. I am not sure. But then I dont even have the guts to cancel. What if I regret it? Who knows when my next trip to Pune will be?

His wife, his daughter, his son, his brothers, his nieces, his nephews, his career, his students, his employees.....where am I?

He writes to me when he wishes, it doesnt matter if I am burning with fever, or depressed over a job situation, he will be aware of it but he will choose his reaction. If he feels benevolent, I get sympathy and affection, other times, he admonishes me for making a big deal out of things. Is that how a parent reacts? My parents worry and think of me everyday, every day this week when I woke up with fever, and dragged myself to work and back and made time for my daughters, my parents thought of me and gave me long distance hugs. What does this man do? Not write. Ignore. Write emails which make me out like a overthinking emotional psycho - take rest, enjoy am I supposed to enjoy life when all the four of us are sick here?

I have to let go and that is the hardest part for me. I cannot let go of anything and anyone. And especially hard to let go of someone who was never yours in the first place. People who lose limbs say that they still feel their loss - a phantom limb. I didnt even have Dad in my life in the first place. He is my phantom Dad. Then why cant I still bear his loss?

I have to make some hard decisions for myself. I have to change. I have to learn how to stop caring. I was fine without him in my life and I will be fine without him once again too.

So I have to resolve to detach in baby steps - first step is to only write when he writes....second bigger step will be to not wait for his emails....and so on, till the detachment is complete and he can once again go back to Mr.A from Dad. And then maybe sometime many years later, try to glue together slowly the pieces of my heart...

Monday, August 15, 2011

When you love someone....

set it free, if it comes back it was yours...remember that saying..My Aai Baba have really practised it. God has been so so very kind to me. I have these amazing parents. I am extremely lucky. They let me go on this quest to know my birth father without even prohibiting me. Aai actually said she understood my need to get in touch with him. They are so secure and so full of love.

As I get to know my birth father better, there is no chance of me drifting away from my Aai Baba. If anything, I am even closer to them today. I am so grateful and appreciative of all that they have done, the values they have instilled in me, through their eyes I am the most beautiful, smart and perfect human being ever to walk on this earth. And that has given me confidence to last me ages, to last me through every obstacle, every downfall. The more that I talk to my birth father, the more I listen to this man, hesitating at every step to hold my hand, who proclaims his love at the top of his voice over the safety of the internet and is so very reluctant to acknowledge me in real life, that man, that quiet unassuming man, who is not connected by blood to me in any way, shines brighter in my life for me. My Baba and my Aai. I love you so much.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Affair with a married man all over again

This relationship that I have with my birth father screams "An affair with a married man" over and over. He had said he was free his morning, my night so I called him up dutifully. The first time I called, an automated voice lady told me in three languages that I was in Q and do not hang up. The second time I called, it instantly said "Your call could not be completed". He had asked me to call him when he would be home in Pune only because his wife was in Singapore visiting their daughter. So what has happened? His son came home unexpectedly? He had company? He switched off his phone? It makes me extremely angry to keep our contact hush hush. What exactly is he going to do if we meet say in a restaurant in fricking Pune and one of his ardent fans/followers or family members bumps into us. Will he push me under the table or himself hide behind a door until they leave? Should I even allow mysely to be pulled into this cowardly relationship. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Keep me on the side and say he loves me in every email but in reality, not even bring up my name in front of his wife and kids and keep them happy. But why, WHY should I allow someone to treat me like that?

I have a wonderful insanely wonderful father. A man who is not connected by blood to me. Who had a son and a daughter of his own. Who went out of his way, of his own accord, to repeatedly go ask his mother in law to give him custody of me. Who has never differentiated between me and his children. Who has never in his life ever said I was the child of his wife's sister. I was always his child. Everywhere.

Then why should I allow him to treat me this way. I was so looking forward to meeting him on my India trip but for the first time in my life, I feel like saying "Forget it, first muster up courage to own up in front of people about me and then we will see if we should meet".