Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Baby steps to always being happy

Forgive yourself - Do it quick and immediate. We are sometimes our most harsh critics and by voicing out loud our critical opinions about ourselves, we sometimes tend to get our audience bought into it too. Then somehow we also attach tags to ourself - Sonia is too emotional, this always happens to Sonia and so on. Then one day we start believing those tags and alter our behavior in anticipation of it, I always fail at this so I am going to try half hearted....get my gist.

So my first step is going to be to forgive myself...

We had gone on a wonderful trip to visit my best friend since high school and her family. We returned late night Sunday and Monday somehow R convinced me that she was too tired to go to school so all the three of us lolled around at home and generally did nothing the whole day. Tuesday dawned bright and early and I packed R's ballet stuff thinking in my mind its Monday (she has her class on Monday evenings after school closes). On Tuesday I realised my mistake in the nick of time and P rushed over to pick her up before the school closed its gates. I was beside myself. I thought "Shit, I am such an idiot. Nowadays I do not remember anything. How could I mix up simple days? Now she has missed a ballet class that we paid good money for? Now she might fall behind the class. She must be so upset to be the last kid to be picked up from school. I am good for nothing. I dont have a job. I am fat!!! And then I thought Whoaaa how did I even reach on this sob trip!! So I forgave myself quick. I said to myself that this was a small thing, my children were safe and it could happen to anyone. I forgave myself and moved on and spared me the self pity trip and back :) I have also realised that if you tell someone in a self derogatory tone - See, how I behaved. Then it prompts the other well meaning person - husband/friend/family member to give you golden words of advice on how to manage your schedule better, how you should be stress free and also words on how to be happy. So laugh at yourself, most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF and MOVE ON...

My first step to always being happy :))

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

God's favorite student?

I think I might just be God's favorite student, the one who he wants to learn all the lessons. The second I judge someone or smirk at someone's weakness, its just a matter of time and I have to endure the same circumstances to test my patience, my optimism and my strength. Karma is a bitch, they say, but why do I see such a quick turnaround while others might wait a lifetime to get whats due to them. And for some lucky some, it even transcends into another lifetime. Why me? Let me give some examples:

1) My father in law has a long list of self prescribed dietary restrictions, some supposedly medical, some mental, some psychological. He doesnt want to eat anything with seeds in it - the skin and seeds of tomatoes need to be removed, seeds of chillies, seeds of cucumbers; he will not eat eggplants, green peppers, spinach, okra and he is a staunch vegetarian. Everytime my in laws have visited, cooking transforms into a headache for me. Between his dietary limitations and my mother in law's pickiness, its hard to choose an easy convenient menu. I have gotten upset over it internally for days sometimes during their six month visits. So I learn a lesson on allergies and avoiding certain foods. During my pregnancy with S, I developed numerous allergies - pears, apples, bananas, carrots, cucumbers, many things went on my non tolerance listing to the extent that I still do not eat fruit salads..Isnt this a lesson learnt on tolerance and patience? I now have a renewed tolerance towards people's food choices and reluctance to eat certain foods for their general well being.

2)Second example: I used to get annoyed with my birth mother for being weak. In my eyes, everytime at the slightest hint of obstacles, she would be a heap of tears leaning on my grandmother for support. I would be annoyed that she is not mentally strong, how does one become prone to depression. There was also a time when my mother in law was taking some medicines and had side effects to them. She was constantly tired and had lost strength in her arms and legs and would be insecure and unsatisfied. Now her health is much better and in turn her attitude is much better too. I would be irritated at the lack of strength displayed by these women at times. Then comes this year, a year in which my own strength was questionable. Doctors had no clear diagnosis, everyone blamed everything on allergies, stress - do yoga, do this and do that. I was taking prescription asthma medicines when I didnt have asthma. I had horrible side effects - inability to sleep, depression and fatigue. As I lay on the sofa defeated and trying hard to stay positive, I developed a new tolerance towards these two people in my life. And realised that people behave as they do because of the situations they are in and one should never be quick to judge. I am now afraid to judge anyone because in my mind I have convinced myself that the second I judge, I will be in that situation. So I think I have become a much better person then :) Sometimes you learn lessons the hard way. Maybe I have also become a boring person because when someone says something like - Kids should never ever be fed candy ever in their life, the earlier me would have rolled her eyes and been like whats up her ass? The new improved me goes "Oh good for you" and moves on. Rambling post...it was lying in my drafts and I had to publish it...One day I aim to be fit and strong and awesome figure and such, and I want this post to be a reminder of what I have gone through so I can still stay kind to others.