Thursday, November 26, 2009

This Thanksgiving...

I am thankful:

1) For my husband, for not hesitating even a micro second to sign up to give me the shots and for doing it with such finesse that I didnt have to suffer at all.
2) For my mother, to travel within days notice and to take charge of our house here (or rather R and the kitchen/chores)
3) For my daughter, so the pain of a miscarriage wasnt so bad looking at her beautiful face and knowing there will be second chances.
4) For my Aunty, who so patiently told me motivating and uplifting things everyday and reminded me to stay in the present and forget the past and not dwell on the future.
5) For my friends, who fed my ego by constantly telling me how strong I am and how I face things with the right attitude.
6) For my family, who kept up a positive spirit, positive thoughts and didnt bring up faltu doubts to make a situation worse.
7) For my company to offer me a new role and believing in me.
8) For having a good life despite the occasional spurts of bad luck and worries.

May you all have a happy Thanksgiving and lets count the days left for this year to end and a new glorious year to begin. Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A miscarriage story

I had a D&C suction procedure done yesterday. What it means is a miscarriage in a controlled environment. Monday ultrasounds had already confirmed no fetal activity, it had passed away sometime during the earlier week. So the doctor was kind enough to schedule the procedure for me asap and not wait for nature to take its course. This way I can move on with less physical pain.

My surgery was scheduled at 11 AM. 11 hour fasting with no food/water, we reached the Day Surgery wing of the hospital by 9.15 AM as instructed. As we sat in the waiting room and watched the nurses go in and out of the ward, I made mental notes of who I dont want, there was one nurse who looked especially strict and the minute I said to myself, I dont want her, she called my name and said "I will be your nurse"!! But she turned out to be really really sweet and I got a lot of pats and Darlings and my poor baby and sweethearts all through my stay there :) Then there was an anesthesiologist - a desi one, about my age and I thought - I dont want him (what if I meet him in the temple or something and he remembers me, I dont want him to see my ....), and a minute later I was shaking hands listening to him explain to me how he was going to deliver the general anesthesia. I remembered this deep philosophy funda told to me by my best friend, "Life is like rowing a boat, sometimes no matter how hard you steer it doesnt go in the direction you want it to, so you just let go of the oars, sit back and let it take its course".

Anyways after tons of forms filling; there was also one on fetal disposition where Nini (my lovable nurse) placed her hand on mine sympathetically and asked me if I had my own funeral arrangements, I was stumped for sometime and then realised she was asking me how to dispose of the remains of my conception. When I was telling this to P later on, he genuinely thought they were asking about "my" arrangements in case I pass away suddenly during surgery hehehe, taking signing the consent forms to a whole new level :))

Stripped down, in the hospital gown, IV started, waiting game for the doctor begun. I saw all the patients around me come and go, wheeled out to the OR - interesting to look at the anxious faces of those who had been bravely chattering away minutes ago. The gall bladder to be removed lady next to me was discussing/planning her entire Thanksgiving dinner with her husband - descriptions of truffles stuffed with caramel, mashed potatoes etc made me want to throw the curtain aside and shout at her to shut it, I was so starving. Though P said it was more a mental thing as I was getting all the nutrients I needed from the IV :)

The doctor finally showed up at 11.40 AM, the nurse injected something in the IV to help me relax, they started wheeling me towards the OR, doors opening and I woke up in the recovery room :) Isnt anesthesia a beautiful thing?? I remember nothing in between :)

The procedure took about half an hour and I had been out for an hour. Then from a bed in the recovery ward to a reclining chair in the discharge ward or whatever its called, nausea from anesthesia so meds for it, dizziness, grogginess, weakness, two hours later I was about to pull the IV from my hand and go home myself so I started hitting P (I am sure I didnt, husbands lie when wives are delirious) that I need to go home right now and tell the nurse/doctor that I have to go. So I lied my way through - Oh yeah, I feel fine, was wheeled out in a wheelchair, put in my car and helped to the sofa where I collapsed in relief :)

Aai had lunch ready as usual so ravenously ate poli bhaaji koshimbir and promptly dozed off.

R was so sweet about being quiet and not disturbing me as I slept. 2 hours later she could no longer take it and came over and I could hear her Mommy Mommy Mommy :) P said that she had also tried fake coughing to wake me up :)

Well apart from the stomach pain which goes away with painkillers and the exhaustion from going through this drama, I am fine. And I think I will get even better as the physical pain heals.

So this was it, we have checked off miscarriage on our list of things we have gone through and came out stronger :) Looking forward to a good rest of the year and an awesome 2010, after all we will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary next year!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

End of this chapter

So ultrasound today said no heartbeat etc. Doctor scheduled a D&C for tomorrow morning. Surprisingly I was quite stoic when the technician was performing the ultrasound, the fact that she didnt bother to show us the screen confirmed that there was nothing to see there. I didnt cry at all after that. Sometimes its good to get closure, then the healing process can start. I was exhausted with the ups and downs the past two months anyways.

The doctor said dont try to get pregnant for the next 2-3 months. Its a good thing I ran my half marathon this year, I have something to remember this year by.

Just exhausted............and we just found out that my hubby's uncle has to be admitted to the same hospital for a heart condition. Poor P - making trips back and forth to the hospital today and tomorrow......Maybe our whole family has bad karma this year......P's cousin's engagement broke off so the entire wedding plans were cancelled, then my inlaws arrived and their dis satisfaction and frustrations, my troubled pregnancy, miscarriage and now this......too tired beyond words...

Pregnancy terminated

My HCG levels plunged to square one, my tummy and back hurt all day and night. Bleeding isnt too bad yet but the doctor called to say that the pregnancy is terminated. Still going in for the ultrasound and then we will schedule a D&C.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


R is taking my whole bed rest-Mommy is sick, pretty hard. She has been crying without any reason and insisting that Mommy plays with her/takes her to the park/picks her up/feeds her and on and on. It doesnt help even if Grandma is around the whole time, there is no replacement for Mommy. I am also so tired of the fatigue, the constant sleepiness (side effect of the progesterone shots) and the suspense.

Today I feel like all my pregnancy symptoms (I didnt have many but I had one left - constant hunger) have all vanished. I feel empty inside. I feel like my pregnancy has terminated. Without modern medical inventions to confirm it, I know its gone.

I just want to get back to normal life, I was actually joking about wanting to have a D&C done as early as possible so I will be back on my feet to cook a Thanksgiving meal and shop the sales. I am not being insensitive or not that I dont care about a miscarriage. I think I am trying to condition my mind into being brave and looking at the bright side of things, maybe it was not meant to be for a reason.

I do know I will cry my heart out tomorrow when the ultrasound technician pronounces the final verdict, even though I am mentally preparing myself to listen to the words - No heartbeat, it still sends up a chill everytime I imagine it. I know I will break down when I hear it and its real. I also know that it must have been for the best and I must put my trust in God and believe that I will get pregnant again soon and will have a wonderful healthy child. This is my dukh and I have to go through it.

I am also strongly blocking out the past - thoughts of what could have been and missed opportunities - is there any point of crying over spilt milk? I am also not going to think of the future and freak myself out thinking about - What if I cant get pregnant? What if I never have a baby?. I am only going to live in the present, take it day by day and hope that good things in life will come to me....

Just cant wait for the new year.............

Saturday, November 21, 2009

48 hours

of mystery.....Started bleeding last night, went in to see my doctor today who said there is tissue coming out of the cervix. Doctor still tried to boost my morale by saying she still has a good feeling about this and that I might not be miscarrying. Now need to wait till Monday to find out the verdict.

I am emotionally spent now. No more tears, no more emotion.

One baby to another

As soon as she woke up, R asked me if I had a baby in my tummy. I didnt know what to say to her so I just said "Would you like a baby in my tummy?". She said Yes and upon being asked if she wanted a sister or a brother. She said a baby sister and then kissed my tummy and hugged it.

I dont know where all this came from! One of her daycare friend's mother is pregnant and she knows the concept of babies in tummies. My sister in law is pregnant too and R is already awaiting the birth of her new cousin sister but this love and affection for her own baby sister/brother, and that too out of the blue is so touching.

The moment she kissed my tummy, it was sooooooooooo cute. R is so sweet and reassuring. One time she came upon me talking to my mother on the phone and crying, she went "Oh man, my Mommy is crying" and came over and patted me and kissed me. And she is not even three yet!! Such infinite wisdom and emotional intelligence from a toddler.

I had a rough night yesterday, had some more spotting. I literally sat in bed and told God - If this baby is not meant to be, let me miscarry tonight, Please spare me the continuous suspense. For some reason, I willed myself to believe that if I hadnt bled out by morning, I am going to be fine. And then R woke up and kissed my tummy in the morning.

When I am drowning in a sea of emotions and fears, I feel like I have received a straw to clutch on to and hold on to tightly. I am not letting go, my dearest unborn child, hang on, we will get through this together. I will see your beautiful happy healthy face next summer and you will get along great with your older sister, the sweetest girl in the universe for me :)

I am done with thinking that I might miscarry, thats not an option anymore. This pregnancy is going to sustain and everything will be allright, I believe it from my core and my body, my baby and our countless indicators better fall in line.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Pain in the butt!

Literally........I have to take a shot for progesterone daily now till my first trimester gets over. Seems that my body has just stopped creating any progesterone whatsoever and the supplements (shooting cream up the....) doesnt seem to do any good now.

One of my good friends at work who has been through multiple IVF cycles and stillbirths and babies born pre pre pre maturely and then wait for them to pass away; this is one amazing female, she has been through hell, but always had an awesome attitude to dealing with everything and an unwavering spirit. Anyways, when she heard I have to take the shots, she told me - In all the horrible things I have gone through, I thought this was the worst! Then went on to describe how the needle is thick, how the injection solution being oil based is thick and takes a long time entering the body, how the injection site becomes painful, swells and what not, it seems like an ordeal.

So naturally after this discussion, I had a million butterflies in my stomach, I was soooooooo nervous that I drove straight to my neighboring Indian restaurant and got a to-go Indian buffet. Its funny how I turn to food immediately as a coping mechanism. And then off we went to the doctor, my sweetheart husband, me and Mom where the doctor taught P how to give me the shot. The doctor being so experienced and all, I didnt feel it at all. I was bracing myself for a very painful shot and what not but surprisingly I didnt even feel the needle, she is so awesome. I felt immense relief.

Sometimes I reminisce about the days when we were newly wed and how P had eyes only for me etc. Now everytime I have any type of conversation, his eyes are on the TV/laptop/newspaper etc....and how I used to get mad at him sometimes thinking the romance has gone from our lives and it has become routine....Anyways its times like this - standing in the doctor's office seeing P intently listen to the doctor's instructions on how to adminster the shot. He never even once hesitated to say "Of course I will give you the shot" and the emotions overwhelm me. I love this guy so much. I dont care if he doesnt hug and kiss me and say I love you all the time (he never did, he is the strong silent types); his actions speak louder than words. Running that half marathon with me, backing me up in endless baseless complaints by his mother, cooking, chores and playing with R as I lie on the sofa tired from work at the end of the day and holding me as I cried through the night during bleeding episodes, this is the real romance and I am glad to have him. Love you so much my P..

Monday, November 16, 2009

Yeh kya ho raha hain

So its officially a high risk pregnancy now.

Every couple of days I await my blood test results with rokhey huey saans, sometimes HCG is low, sometimes progesterone is low. Ultrasounds are equally nerve wracking too, sometimes baby's heart rate is low, all the times the baby doesnt measure to how many weeks of pregnancy I am at. Its like someone has cursed me. What is this punishment for?

Monday, November 9, 2009

Content in this century

I was thinking yesterday that if this were 500 years ago, I would have surely died in childbirth or never had kids. When I had baby R, I had gestational diabetes, then when it was time to deliver, she was stuck and the doctor had to use forceps and what not to free her. Now my second time around, my progesterone levels and HCG levels are low. She immediately prescribed progesterone supplements which took care of the bleeding and now those levels have gone up. HCG is out of our hands, its the health of the baby and no medicines or supplements or anything will have any effect on it. If this were 500 some years back, I would definitely not been able to carry this baby so far, I would have had many bleeding episodes and lost it.

I am really glad to be born in the 20th century! I also do not wish to be here 500 years from now when robots take over the world and food is reduced to taking vitamin supplements and food pills and what not (my very rudimentary vision of the future from low budget sci fi movies)...

Sigh anyways my doctor's office is not even scheduling wellness check ups for me, they are all kinda waiting, its endless bloodtests and prenatal screens, there is an unsaid message lingering in the air - If this pregnancy sustains, then we can talk about a milestone check up :( Hoping for the best and prepared for the worst is where I am right now :)

Friday, November 6, 2009

Man proposes God disposes

Some things are completely out of your control. I am too exhausted even to type this post but I want to do it so that one day when things are fine and I have a healthy happy baby, I can look back and remind myself in future trying situations that there are happy endings.

I am having my blood checked everyday and my HCG levels refuse to double/increase at the expected pace. They are practically creeping by but thankfully they are not falling which is then a sure sign of miscarriage. So right now there is a chance of miscarriage and I can still hope for miracles to happen and the pregnancy to sustain and a happy ending.

I am transitioning to my new job at work, trying to hold down two jobs at this time, the hubby has a hectic schedule at work, I am constantly tired and weepy, my toddler picks up on all this and demands more and more attention, and I literally feel the hangover from the inlaws visit. A ray of sunshine in this is that my Mom is flying in to spend time with me till I feel better. Arent Moms the best? Pray for me all ye anonymous friends....

Monday, November 2, 2009


Red is a color you dont ever want to see when you are pregnant. Last night on a routine trip to the bathroom, thats exactly what I saw - shocking bright red. I havent stopped crying since. My back is killing me and my doctor's office doesnt open till ten so all I can do is sit and wait and hope and pray.

I was about to cancel my India tickets, turned away the swine flu vaccine and now this!! I feel like the Universe is against me! Cancel India, dont take flu vaccine, wait till end of first trimester blah blah and now no pregnancy maybe......

I am exhausted but am just waiting for some confirmation so I can put it behind and move past. Maybe fate dictates something else, maybe I am required to be here with my husband and baby in the US and not go traipsing internationally.

I never track my site traffic but if you are passing through and read this, will you please pray for me?