Friday, August 19, 2011

The shattering of my heart....

Remember this...when a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound? Similarly if your heart breaks inside and you cannot share it with the people closest to you, should one gather the pieces quietly and pretend its not broken??

From the past couple of weeks, I have this premonition, this nagging feel, know that little voice in your head trying to awaken you to reality....I have realised my Dad thinks of me only as his pen friend, someone to send emails to as and when he pleases, someone he can say I love you and write sappy things about how beautiful his wife is and how awesome his children are and in general how perfect everyone in their khandaan is. A captive audience, an ever adoring and forgiving girlfriend. But Dad has no intentions of giving any promotion to his love in the virtual world. No, in his mind, she stays right where she is. Yes, he agreed to meet me, but it was only after I threw a fit. Slowly I am beginning to feel that maybe it is a bad idea to meet. I am not sure. But then I dont even have the guts to cancel. What if I regret it? Who knows when my next trip to Pune will be?

His wife, his daughter, his son, his brothers, his nieces, his nephews, his career, his students, his employees.....where am I?

He writes to me when he wishes, it doesnt matter if I am burning with fever, or depressed over a job situation, he will be aware of it but he will choose his reaction. If he feels benevolent, I get sympathy and affection, other times, he admonishes me for making a big deal out of things. Is that how a parent reacts? My parents worry and think of me everyday, every day this week when I woke up with fever, and dragged myself to work and back and made time for my daughters, my parents thought of me and gave me long distance hugs. What does this man do? Not write. Ignore. Write emails which make me out like a overthinking emotional psycho - take rest, enjoy am I supposed to enjoy life when all the four of us are sick here?

I have to let go and that is the hardest part for me. I cannot let go of anything and anyone. And especially hard to let go of someone who was never yours in the first place. People who lose limbs say that they still feel their loss - a phantom limb. I didnt even have Dad in my life in the first place. He is my phantom Dad. Then why cant I still bear his loss?

I have to make some hard decisions for myself. I have to change. I have to learn how to stop caring. I was fine without him in my life and I will be fine without him once again too.

So I have to resolve to detach in baby steps - first step is to only write when he writes....second bigger step will be to not wait for his emails....and so on, till the detachment is complete and he can once again go back to Mr.A from Dad. And then maybe sometime many years later, try to glue together slowly the pieces of my heart...

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