New year resolutions - a series...

As cliché as New Year resolutions might sound, I love the idea of a fresh start. The first of every month, the first of the week, the first of anything; I am a sucker for fresh starts. It feels like you have an opportunity to improve things and get to a happier place sooner.

So here are my New Year resolutions: Of course my birth dad needs to feature on my list; we have been in touch for almost 2 years now. It’s a long enough time for me to finally open my eyes and see the trend. See the actions and not just believe the words. I am but a hobby for him. I do not even know if hobby is the right word. Hobbies can be shared or proudly flaunted with others. I am his shameful hobby maybe. When he has time, he is in the mood, whatever drives him guilt, charity; he writes loving emails to me. He has restricted me to a virtual world, a relationship completely controlled by his whims. He has had multiple opportunities to share the good news (good news in my eyes) with his family and close friends that he has found his first born. And at every single occasion, he has turned away, choosing to keep me hidden. Not wanting to disturb his routine. I cannot call him when I please, I have to write to him and then wait for him to reply back. Sometimes its weeks before he replies and I am in the dark the whole time. I have no idea if he is dead or alive, disinterested or left….he insists we have a father-daughter relationship when this is best a cordial formal distant relationship. And I have finally realized that I do not matter to him. I am nobody in his life and he has no intentions to change it ever. I was making a mistake comparing our relationship to the other father-daughters in my life, hell even his life – he and his daughter. That was my folly. We are not; he was merely the cause of my birth. My birth mother had walked out in her early stages of pregnancy, there must not have been any celebration of pregnancy, of my life starting for him, that celebration was shrouded by the pain and insult of his wife leaving him. He turned his back on me and never looked back. Never tried to find me, never inquired of my well being until I contacted him. One of Albus Dumbeldore’s famous quotes from the Harry Potter series is “It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities”. My birth Dad is well known, a pioneer in his field, well respected and loved by many, but to me, he will always remain the guy who chose to walk away again and again.

My resolution for next year and forward is to stop the tears and the expectation and accept the reality – only because you fathered a girl doesn’t mean you are a father. My father has shown me a million times and over how someone can be a father without being genetically linked. My gentle, loving, down to earth unassuming father, who didn’t forbid me from being in touch with my birth Dad, who let me go do what my heart pleased, has taught me the power of unconditional love and parenting. I owe it to my family to stop crying and getting depressed over someone who will not treat me right.

Baby steps to always being happy

Forgive yourself - Do it quick and immediate. We are sometimes our most harsh critics and by voicing out loud our critical opinions about ourselves, we sometimes tend to get our audience bought into it too. Then somehow we also attach tags to ourself - Sonia is too emotional, this always happens to Sonia and so on. Then one day we start believing those tags and alter our behavior in anticipation of it, I always fail at this so I am going to try half hearted....get my gist.

So my first step is going to be to forgive myself...

We had gone on a wonderful trip to visit my best friend since high school and her family. We returned late night Sunday and Monday somehow R convinced me that she was too tired to go to school so all the three of us lolled around at home and generally did nothing the whole day. Tuesday dawned bright and early and I packed R's ballet stuff thinking in my mind its Monday (she has her class on Monday evenings after school closes). On Tuesday I realised my mistake in the nick of time and P rushed over to pick her up before the school closed its gates. I was beside myself. I thought "Shit, I am such an idiot. Nowadays I do not remember anything. How could I mix up simple days? Now she has missed a ballet class that we paid good money for? Now she might fall behind the class. She must be so upset to be the last kid to be picked up from school. I am good for nothing. I dont have a job. I am fat!!! And then I thought Whoaaa how did I even reach on this sob trip!! So I forgave myself quick. I said to myself that this was a small thing, my children were safe and it could happen to anyone. I forgave myself and moved on and spared me the self pity trip and back :) I have also realised that if you tell someone in a self derogatory tone - See, how I behaved. Then it prompts the other well meaning person - husband/friend/family member to give you golden words of advice on how to manage your schedule better, how you should be stress free and also words on how to be happy. So laugh at yourself, most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF and MOVE ON...

My first step to always being happy :))

God's favorite student?

I think I might just be God's favorite student, the one who he wants to learn all the lessons. The second I judge someone or smirk at someone's weakness, its just a matter of time and I have to endure the same circumstances to test my patience, my optimism and my strength. Karma is a bitch, they say, but why do I see such a quick turnaround while others might wait a lifetime to get whats due to them. And for some lucky some, it even transcends into another lifetime. Why me? Let me give some examples:

1) My father in law has a long list of self prescribed dietary restrictions, some supposedly medical, some mental, some psychological. He doesnt want to eat anything with seeds in it - the skin and seeds of tomatoes need to be removed, seeds of chillies, seeds of cucumbers; he will not eat eggplants, green peppers, spinach, okra and he is a staunch vegetarian. Everytime my in laws have visited, cooking transforms into a headache for me. Between his dietary limitations and my mother in law's pickiness, its hard to choose an easy convenient menu. I have gotten upset over it internally for days sometimes during their six month visits. So I learn a lesson on allergies and avoiding certain foods. During my pregnancy with S, I developed numerous allergies - pears, apples, bananas, carrots, cucumbers, many things went on my non tolerance listing to the extent that I still do not eat fruit salads..Isnt this a lesson learnt on tolerance and patience? I now have a renewed tolerance towards people's food choices and reluctance to eat certain foods for their general well being.

2)Second example: I used to get annoyed with my birth mother for being weak. In my eyes, everytime at the slightest hint of obstacles, she would be a heap of tears leaning on my grandmother for support. I would be annoyed that she is not mentally strong, how does one become prone to depression. There was also a time when my mother in law was taking some medicines and had side effects to them. She was constantly tired and had lost strength in her arms and legs and would be insecure and unsatisfied. Now her health is much better and in turn her attitude is much better too. I would be irritated at the lack of strength displayed by these women at times. Then comes this year, a year in which my own strength was questionable. Doctors had no clear diagnosis, everyone blamed everything on allergies, stress - do yoga, do this and do that. I was taking prescription asthma medicines when I didnt have asthma. I had horrible side effects - inability to sleep, depression and fatigue. As I lay on the sofa defeated and trying hard to stay positive, I developed a new tolerance towards these two people in my life. And realised that people behave as they do because of the situations they are in and one should never be quick to judge. I am now afraid to judge anyone because in my mind I have convinced myself that the second I judge, I will be in that situation. So I think I have become a much better person then :) Sometimes you learn lessons the hard way. Maybe I have also become a boring person because when someone says something like - Kids should never ever be fed candy ever in their life, the earlier me would have rolled her eyes and been like whats up her ass? The new improved me goes "Oh good for you" and moves on. Rambling post...it was lying in my drafts and I had to publish it...One day I aim to be fit and strong and awesome figure and such, and I want this post to be a reminder of what I have gone through so I can still stay kind to others.

I am back!

How are you??.

What was I busy with?.

Vertigo, repeated episodes of eye infections - steroids, no contacts, eye drops, rinse and repeat, severe severe allergies - body ache, flu symptoms without the flu, fatigue, tightness in chest, difficulty breathing, one hour one way commutes, two young children, daycares and nannies, house guests and vacations...And now I am on a break. I need to regroup mentally and physically. I have been constantly sick with allergies for over six months, lying on the sofa in the evenings on most days. This is not how I want to live the rest of my life. So now is the time for change..

My mother, in my new campaign for change, suggested that I also add 2 more resolutions to it - To put myself first and To learn to say No. I have a long list running already..

As I logged on to Blogger after God knows how many months, I ran through my earlier posts - most of them are sad. Once upon a time I was a happy smiling person - always. Now I am a tired prone to depression person. I really need to get back to that ever smiling me. This is going to be my journey back to happiness, the pursuit of happiness..

Best friend S said that I should continue blogging, it seemed to be an outlet for my worries and I could unload here. She is right. I do feel a lot composed when I write. No one can sue me for being a whiny brat. So I am back! How have you been?