Monday, March 25, 2013

Let go, let go, let God

Many things have happened over the past few weeks. My birth mother got diagnosed with oral cancer and had to undergo a horrendous surgery which she is recovering from now. Thankfully by the Grace of God, the cancer hadn’t spread anywhere else in her body and she doesn’t need any chemotherapy or radiation. How did she get oral cancer? We do not know. Chances are slim for a non smoker non gutka eater, but she still got it somehow. Her husband is going through a bad patch – he retired and then cannot handle the sudden void post retirement and is grappling with depression. My mother is in anguish over why her younger sister has to go through so much pain and bad luck and feels guilty over her own “good fortune”.

Now two things here, Yes, my birth mom had a rough start with a divorce and subsequent husband who came with a not so desirable family who have hassled her over the years. Yes, my mom has a wonderful husband, my dad and all her kids have turned out good etc. But there is also the extreme differences in attitude – all my memories of my birth mom have been her being the victim, forever agonized over the treatment of her relatives/colleagues/life while my mother has always been super positive and optimistic, always looking at the good in people and believing in a happy outcome. I am currently reading this book “Joy peace pills” by J.P.Vaswani. He says in that book that if you think good, good will happen. Everyone says that. I know it’s not practical in most situations but what about the other situations, can you at least hope to look at the good side of things? Or can it happen that some person is just constantly riddled by bad luck and oppression?

Can you put your faith in something or someone and believe that next time would be in your favor and trudge on.

My birth dad’s wife has again told him to break off all contact with me, he is super busy at work and he agreed not to check his personal mail when home. Which basically means our only mode of communication is curtailed. By their joint decisions, we will drift apart with very little conversation between us. He does call me sometimes when he travels but between our time differences, work schedules, the fact that I have two young kids to take care of; it’s very difficult to find time to chat. And weekends are off limits as I am only to be restricted to his office times, which again is most of my night here. I felt really bad, cried some, then angry over how unfair this whole situation is, then self pity over how I am not free to be in touch with my own dad, and now acceptance. This is their joint decision. I can do nothing to change it, I can however change the effect it is having on me and instead of being miserable and punishing two beautiful babies and a wonderful husband for the actions of people who clearly do not think of my well being sounds stupid. So I am going to let go let go let God, let go of everything and let God handle it for me (again by JP Vaswani).

I have realized over the past couple of years that I cannot make others happy if I am not happy myself. I do not do the role of a sacrificing Mother India well. I need to take care of my own physical and mental well being first and then only can I be positive and smiling for others. So I am letting go of all the stresses – the guilt and complaints by my birth mother to my mother about how I do not have a mother-daughter relationship with her and how I constantly misunderstand her; my delicate relationship with my in laws, my heartbreak over my birth dad; I am going to let go of all of it, put my faith in God and let him handle it. I will focus on myself – my health and doing things that I enjoy and being happy and at peace and then making sure my husband and my children also walk the same path and are happy and peaceful and smiling and positive as they go through their individual lives and stresses and celebrations.

If you don’t already do it, try it too; take one thing that bothers you and let go let go let God…