Sunday, March 20, 2016

When it rains, it pours...

I have to start again with last year, I have told myself again and again this year that I will let go of last year. And again and again I find myself revisiting it. Unable to let go.

Last year was an awful dark horrible one. I have been fortunate to have two such years and both coincide with discussions of my in laws moving in with us. Common thread! Last year my allergies reached a peak, I was misdiagnosed and plied with increasing dosages of asthma medications, coupled with insane stress at work and add a healthy dose of resentful in laws and my baby's health issues near about broke me. But I slowly put myself together; me and P found each other, we found each other's hands that we had let go just about briefly but we found us again and held tight. I decided to quit my job and take a much needed emotional and physical break. P told me to be prudent and wait for the annual bonus to be paid out and then quit. Everything was all set - Sonia rehab plan. On to peace and serenity and better fitness.

But then kahani mein twist - P lost his job. And I got a promotion. Some days I really think whoever is sitting up there writing our stories must have a mean sense of humor. To give someone what they do not want at that point of time, while taking away something, that someone badly wants at the same time.

So I had to shelve away my fatigue and to soldier on, to try to fling myself as much as I could in this new challenging opportunity, to keep up with a new environment, high expectations and higher stakes. All I want to do right now is to take a break. Wake up and make breakfast for the girls, see them off to school, get some quiet time, revel in the mundane routine of household chores, go to the gym, take an afternoon nap. A break! But not what fate has in store for me.

So I shake myself off, count my blessings, update my LinkedIn profile in a weak attempt to cheer myself up on my career success and try to keep my chin up. And yay, now I also have a husband who is down, who needs cheering up, who needs encouragement and positivism. Who better to do it than the girl who is emotionally drained. I don't mean to sound so bitter. I am so blessed, I am. I am trying not to be ungrateful, I just do not know how to deal with the sharp pain in my chest when I am trying not to think of my back to back day the next day or my aching body and ever present sore throat and the start of spring - marvelous wondrous warm spring and the allergies it will bring.

Last year also saw my parents suddenly grow older. My dad retired and also got diagnosed with Parkinson's about the same time. The man who is my rock has his own battles now. My mother who was an unending source of optimism and positive energy is now overwhelmed with keeping her husband in good spirits. My in laws are colossally bored - my mother in law has her own health issues and they have pretty much nothing going on in their lives. They would still love to move over in a heart beat but with no appreciation for the stress and responsibilities that we have, with jobs, bills and two little people to bring up and no willingness to be adjusting and soothing. So No they haven't moved in yet and yes, they are bitter from far away.

Sometimes life is like a mandatory question paper, you have to solve each problem, there is no option. There is no Oh, I don't feel like tackling this right now, let me just skip and move past. There is no moving past. Everything has to be faced. You can just delay some things over the other that's it.

Many years ago, when I was a little kid growing up, in those days and times when my Grandma would tell me how I had no one in life except God and my birth mother and my Mom would tell me how everyone was born with their own fate and to believe in myself; I would do this thing - look at myself in the mirror in my own eyes and believe. Whatever it was that I wanted. I spoke to myself in tough times and told myself that I will make it through. I tried doing it again, but I cant. I have lost confidence in myself. I cannot imagine a day when my body will not hurt, my mind will be at peace. But this is not who I am. So I need to find my way back to myself. To the strong sweet peaceful S, to be an unending source of positive thoughts and optimism for my little girls. I cannot give them what I had - a birth mother who was broken. Who no longer believed that happy days would come. I have to keep up the faith, I have to believe.

So I will shake myself off and take baby steps - keep at my yoga class, stick to fixed timings at work, try to exercise, try to get all my doctor visits and tests in and to figure out one test at a time what is wrong with my body. And then to forgive myself for crushing the dreams of my in laws to be NRIs and to let them hang out in their air conditioned comfort in India and ponder on did we really start digging a well too late in the game, should we have tried to foster some semblance of an affectionate relationship with our daughter in law from year one.

Forgive myself and let go. Forgive and let go. And keep putting one foot in front of another and soon I will be further along than I ever thought I could walk.

1 comment:

  1. Tight hugs. Just a call away anytime you want to talk.