So its time again to make a list of all the zillion things stressing me out...its always helped me, when I cant sleep and cry in the middle of the night, to write down my lists of things that are bothering me until it becomes clear that most of them are not worth losing my sleep over...
1) I miss my blog. When I started writing my blog, I thought I was writing it for myself and not for the occasional readers. And now when I have made it private, I miss yelling out aloud into the virtual world. I can never stand writing diaries or keeping my thoughts hidden in the innermost compartments of my mind. I am a very open person and I need to share/talk/communicate. I cannot stand this private business.
2) We got a notice from IRS for a whopping penalty (in the thousands of dollars)!! :((( All because I procrastinated on printing and mailing a form. We received the notice on May 16 and were asked to send in the information within 30 days. We faxed the information on June 16, not 30 days technically. I feel horrible. I am too tired to even pray to all Gods to save us from this.
3) Today I was talking to my mother. Over some other topic, she mentioned that I am so straight forward and honest and nice. I had tears in my eyes. How can my mother in law and sister in law view me as evil when everyone else in my life loves me so?
4) I am deeply hurt by how little my sister in law cares for me. There has been no phone call since my reaching out. She really doesnt fricking give a rats ass. Do I deserve this?
5) I am terrible to R. I yelled at her non stop for fifty minutes! fifty fricking minutes today while I fed her dinner. Every bite was a negotiation, every bite was gulped down with tears and whining and yelling from me. I was exhausted at night and when she wouldnt sleep and my grovelling and begging at her feet to sleep wouldnt work, I turned to my most petty self and said I hoped she had a new Mommy in the morning. She was so sad and cried and said No Mommy, I only want you, I will sleep and slept. And then I felt like someone had put a knife through my heart.
6) I am fat. I will never be pretty and slim and have an awesome figure or have beautiful hair or anything. I am ugly and destined to be such. And my baby R thinks I am the most beautiful woman in this world. Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up. When will this adoration for her mommy pass and then she will see the truth? My horrible thunder thighs, my huge butt. Why cant I be slimmer and zero size?
7) There were so many things/projects I had planned to do around the house and I have accomplished nothing. Nada. Zero. And now my job will start in a week's time and then there will be no time left for anything whatsoever.
8) Sometimes I wish I was secure enough to take a break from it all. But my self esteem is so fragile and so very dependent on earning my own money and working that I cannot bring myself to be a stay at home mom. I feel like I will lose all value in my husband's eyes if I stay home. And then I will be forever struggling to meet his expectations as perceived by me.
9) When did life get so hard? It was supposed to be easy and fun? When can I stop hurting and stop getting hurt by people? What is the difference between me and my birth mother then. Can I ever move on and not be hurt by the fact that no one from my immediate in laws cares for me or thinks good of me?
10) Lighter is how I feel after writing this post. Sleep is what I need the most. I need to stop making unrealistic expectations from myself. We have two young kids. Life is supposed to be tough. Leave the rest and enjoy this time before it slips away...
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
Letter to myself
Dear Sonia,
Next time you and P get into an argument or get mad at each other, remember not to try to give him the silent treatment, its not going to work, you will not win, you will just torture yourself for many hours during which you can cry/sit with a Meena Kumari look on your face or try to starve yourself and none of these things will register on him because he will go into super ice cold stubborn - eyes and ears closed mode.
Next time it will be better if you yell and end the fight in five seconds flat and spare yourself the agony.
Remember genes - its very very very hard to shrug off genetic inheritance and upbringing. All the things that you do not like in your in laws are transferred to your husband, its his default setting so try to be more accomodating and understanding. Any change takes time.
You are a positive person, one who has always been told and taught by your parents that "Happiness comes from within, one cannot always look for situations/people to make oneself happy" so remember that and always keep the big picture in mind.
The truth is that P, no matter how dense and stubborn he may seem at times loves you to death. He will not be able to function for a minute without you. He might not communicate his love but it is evident in his own way. Please accept that you do not have a romantic gushy husband who will verbally proclaim his love for you. But you have a husband who will stand by your side no matter what and hold your hand (i.e. if you dont let go first, if you do, then its back to sulk master and dont expect him to even try to coax you back etc, so dont try that, he will live in misery for a lifetime but will not abandon his ego/self esteem issues to manvofy you, understand and accept).
Set aside the petty/silly things which are so common to any marriage, a result of two people, man and woman staying together and bickering sometimes. Look at the big picture and you will realise what you have is awesome! Love, respect, admiration, moral support and loyalty is all there, open your eyes and look when its fight time..
Dont freak out over remote possibilities in the future. You will find a way, you will find a way together.
So the next time you feel the urge to weep over silly arguments like a newly married drama queen, pull up this post and chill.
Next time you and P get into an argument or get mad at each other, remember not to try to give him the silent treatment, its not going to work, you will not win, you will just torture yourself for many hours during which you can cry/sit with a Meena Kumari look on your face or try to starve yourself and none of these things will register on him because he will go into super ice cold stubborn - eyes and ears closed mode.
Next time it will be better if you yell and end the fight in five seconds flat and spare yourself the agony.
Remember genes - its very very very hard to shrug off genetic inheritance and upbringing. All the things that you do not like in your in laws are transferred to your husband, its his default setting so try to be more accomodating and understanding. Any change takes time.
You are a positive person, one who has always been told and taught by your parents that "Happiness comes from within, one cannot always look for situations/people to make oneself happy" so remember that and always keep the big picture in mind.
The truth is that P, no matter how dense and stubborn he may seem at times loves you to death. He will not be able to function for a minute without you. He might not communicate his love but it is evident in his own way. Please accept that you do not have a romantic gushy husband who will verbally proclaim his love for you. But you have a husband who will stand by your side no matter what and hold your hand (i.e. if you dont let go first, if you do, then its back to sulk master and dont expect him to even try to coax you back etc, so dont try that, he will live in misery for a lifetime but will not abandon his ego/self esteem issues to manvofy you, understand and accept).
Set aside the petty/silly things which are so common to any marriage, a result of two people, man and woman staying together and bickering sometimes. Look at the big picture and you will realise what you have is awesome! Love, respect, admiration, moral support and loyalty is all there, open your eyes and look when its fight time..
Dont freak out over remote possibilities in the future. You will find a way, you will find a way together.
So the next time you feel the urge to weep over silly arguments like a newly married drama queen, pull up this post and chill.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Where are you?
My internal happiness - where are you? I used to pride myself on my ability to bounce back from everything - I would convince myself that whatever I am going through isnt so bad and would get better and smile. And I cant seem to do that anymore. All through my childhood, when the going got tough, I would look into my eyes in the mirror and tell myself that this too shall pass and I will come through at the other end. Now I cannot bear to look at myself. Where did my inner confidence go?
And what is the reason for all this stupid stress - my deadlines at work? My constant need to outperform and keep up to the high expectations people have from me at work? Why cant I just tell my boss - this is it, please get me resources to help, I need to chill. Why do I need to pretend I am wonderwoman and can manage everything beautifully.
Last summer my in laws were visiting, every evening after work, I would be in the kitchen cooking dinner while R would act out and get annoyed that Mommy wasnt available to play with her. I would hate being indoors when we have beautiful warm weather for a couple of months only. This summer, I have no such restrictions apart from the fact that I am tired and R has no interest in going out in the evenings plus its hotter this year. I feel like I am wasting away the precious few summer weekdays when I can think about going for a walk. Soon it will be winter and I will be stuck inside.
But things could definitely be worse than this, then why do I not appreciate what I have right now and smile? Why cant I be more happy go lucky and believe in myself and believe that things will work out in the future and just let go of all my anxieties and enjoy the present? As much as I would like to have three kids, I dont think I can go through pregnancy again so this might be my last planned pregnancy ever, so why dont I enjoy this phase in my life? So many Why's and who has the answer to it?
Future worries:
1) Omg I wont have a job next year
2) I will have a young young infant and will need to look for another job
3) Will I find a company to work for which is as accomodating and flexible to working mothers as my current company is?
4) I have to find a nanny - a super nanny who will take awesome care of my baby and cook and clean. Where is this mystery magical person?
5) When I barely get my affairs in order - job, nanny, infant on schedule, R happy, summer approaching, us looking forward to a relaxed summer; the in-laws will land here and send my stress levels sky rocketing again.
6) If I am as tired then as I am now, my in laws visiting will surely break me.
7) I can't refuse for them to visit, I can't be that mean daughter in law and forbid parents to visit their son and grandkids. (And sister in law is useless, she will invite them over for the usual month or so and that is it)
Current worries:
1) I am a bad mother. R still wakes up in the middle of the night, she sleeps on the floor on sleeping bags in our room when there are two more rooms with perfectly good beds in them - empty.
2) I might have to take insulin shots. What could be worse than the shot in the bum that I had to endure last time? But still, these are shots and me no want any pain.
3) August 31st - my deadline for an important work project and as I have owned it through planning, execution of initial phases and reporting; I refuse to have to let go in the last phase or share credit with anyone else :( And is this stupid pride causing me sleepless nights?
4) I need someone to tell me I look good - I just need this vanity.
Well I dont really have many current worries, do I? So all the fear is for the unknown, the future :) so maybe I need to work on how to manage stress and worry about crossing the bridge when I get to it and all that fun stuff :)
And what is the reason for all this stupid stress - my deadlines at work? My constant need to outperform and keep up to the high expectations people have from me at work? Why cant I just tell my boss - this is it, please get me resources to help, I need to chill. Why do I need to pretend I am wonderwoman and can manage everything beautifully.
Last summer my in laws were visiting, every evening after work, I would be in the kitchen cooking dinner while R would act out and get annoyed that Mommy wasnt available to play with her. I would hate being indoors when we have beautiful warm weather for a couple of months only. This summer, I have no such restrictions apart from the fact that I am tired and R has no interest in going out in the evenings plus its hotter this year. I feel like I am wasting away the precious few summer weekdays when I can think about going for a walk. Soon it will be winter and I will be stuck inside.
But things could definitely be worse than this, then why do I not appreciate what I have right now and smile? Why cant I be more happy go lucky and believe in myself and believe that things will work out in the future and just let go of all my anxieties and enjoy the present? As much as I would like to have three kids, I dont think I can go through pregnancy again so this might be my last planned pregnancy ever, so why dont I enjoy this phase in my life? So many Why's and who has the answer to it?
Future worries:
1) Omg I wont have a job next year
2) I will have a young young infant and will need to look for another job
3) Will I find a company to work for which is as accomodating and flexible to working mothers as my current company is?
4) I have to find a nanny - a super nanny who will take awesome care of my baby and cook and clean. Where is this mystery magical person?
5) When I barely get my affairs in order - job, nanny, infant on schedule, R happy, summer approaching, us looking forward to a relaxed summer; the in-laws will land here and send my stress levels sky rocketing again.
6) If I am as tired then as I am now, my in laws visiting will surely break me.
7) I can't refuse for them to visit, I can't be that mean daughter in law and forbid parents to visit their son and grandkids. (And sister in law is useless, she will invite them over for the usual month or so and that is it)
Current worries:
1) I am a bad mother. R still wakes up in the middle of the night, she sleeps on the floor on sleeping bags in our room when there are two more rooms with perfectly good beds in them - empty.
2) I might have to take insulin shots. What could be worse than the shot in the bum that I had to endure last time? But still, these are shots and me no want any pain.
3) August 31st - my deadline for an important work project and as I have owned it through planning, execution of initial phases and reporting; I refuse to have to let go in the last phase or share credit with anyone else :( And is this stupid pride causing me sleepless nights?
4) I need someone to tell me I look good - I just need this vanity.
Well I dont really have many current worries, do I? So all the fear is for the unknown, the future :) so maybe I need to work on how to manage stress and worry about crossing the bridge when I get to it and all that fun stuff :)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
More cribbing...
I have cried every single evening this week...I am perpetually depressed and stressed. I am being mean to everyone who is close to me and offer helpful suggestions and advice and polite for no reason to outsiders who dont really care and are idiots. Have you ever noticed how u can sometimes tend to vent your anger on your close family and friends while you reserve the politest of smiles and diplomatic of answers for the rest of the world? Why dont we focus on the people that matter and be equally patient with them? My Dad used to keep saying to me - You have a MBA degree, why dont you use the same principles of managing difficult people interactions which you so successfully apply at work, at home - with my in laws. But I could never do it; while I stay calm through storms at work, the slightest ripple at home would break me. I guess because nothing at work is personal (atleast thats what I tell myself) while the minute you step into the house, everything is (which I should pretend isnt).
I have gestational diabetes now - hooray - and while my readings were so normal when I had taken a week off and chilled out at my brothers with my Mom cooking snacks and meals for me, they are consistently out of range and higher ever since I have been back home :( I dread pain, I have gone through a lot of it between this pregnancy and the last miscarriage and I dont want to take more. I am scared of having to take insulin injections and I am stressed to keep the sugar levels under control - its not like I am gorging on cakes and pastries, even not eating the right amount, the right stuff at the right time throws the levels out of whack :( Like eating snacks in the middle of the night, which I have done today and I dont care. What else should I do? A pregnant woman in her seventh month tossing and turning - starving? So yes, all the well meaning advice from family/friends of - get food cooked from outside - doesnt help. I got home cooked meals from this punjabi lady and hungrily wolfed down lauki kofta curry and rotis and was going to pass out seeing my reading later that night :( Everytime I see a high reading, I can only picture the injection in my mind.
I am so super swamped at work - I know thats one of my main reasons of BS stress. How how how am I so swamped when my position is going to be terminated end of the year? I am yearning for August to go away, my deadlines to disappear and hopefully a peaceful and quiet September and October to rest and get ready for the next big chapter in my life - being a parent to two kids :)
I keep losing it on P bechara, I think he must be fantasizing about packing a bag and running far far away. We had a detailed ultrasound done (Having gestational diabetes automatically makes it a high risk pregnancy and needs more monitoring) and even though we had told the technician/doctor not to reveal the sex of the baby, she slipped at one point and said "Her" so its most probably a girl. Yesterday he mentioned tiredly that - all of you women are driving me crazy. Poor guy! For his sake, I wanted a boy. Not that the boy wouldnt drive him crazy but atleast it wouldnt be one more in his harem. His mother and sister (though not so much lately) also contribute heavily to leaning on P for everything. Internet doesnt work in India, his mother calls him every single night crying as if its the end of the world. No thought to what must be happening on this side of the line. I would like to think I dont add to his burden but nowadays I am 99% of pregnant-over worked-diabetic wife is driving me crazy- load.
You know what would make all of this go away - if I quit, walk out and say "Thats it, no more, you guys figure out what to do with my pending responsibilities". But I dont have the courage or the desire to do it. I cannot let go of my career, no matter how many times I remind myself and read all those chain letter emails on how when you are ready to die, your family/friends will count and not your co workers etc, I cannot not care about my career. I have worked hard to get where I am and I cannot let go easily. Thats another of my deep buried subconscious stress causant, which I am consciously trying not to acknowledge - the looming pressure of having to find a new job next year.
We were all set to go camping this weekend but I cant do it - half of me is so very enthusiastic to still pull it together and go and the other practical half says "Slow down, get the rest of your things in order". There is a horse riding stable onsite there and R who absolutely loves horses is looking forward to riding a pony. Its a nice camping area, an hour or so away from our place so the driving is not bad and I was looking forward to the last camping trip I would have this year. Plus good company and being outside in the nature....I do want to go. Sigh. Now if I could get a fairy godmother to come help us pack, prepare and pack my diabetic snacks and meals, give me a massage for my aching legs and back, get some work tasks out of the way so next week wont crash on me as soon as I walk in Monday morning, I am all ready to sit back, relax and read a book and enjoy camping...
So what should I do? The next best thing??
I am going to plead with my maternal fetal specialists to give me one more week to get my readings in order.
I am going to ask P to cut up veggies etc so I can cook simple stir fries on Sunday so healthy dinners will be ready for next week.
I am going to get my ass into bed right now and sleep and wake up late.
I will take my laptop over to the campsite so I can get work things out of the way or leave early on Sunday and get it done before Monday...
I am not going to aspire to that image of being a perfect Mom with a beautifully decorated home and frames and pictures put up - R painted such a beautiful picture at school and I was so intent on framing it and hanging it in her room, now its lost somewhere beneath the unending piles of mail. I will not feel guilty about it. First things first...
I will ask for help at work - whats the point in trying to be a super hero and going above and beyond. I need to go above and beyond for myself - by taking care of my health first and then my family.
So prioritize prioritize prioritize - health - physical and mental, smiling family, work :)
I have gestational diabetes now - hooray - and while my readings were so normal when I had taken a week off and chilled out at my brothers with my Mom cooking snacks and meals for me, they are consistently out of range and higher ever since I have been back home :( I dread pain, I have gone through a lot of it between this pregnancy and the last miscarriage and I dont want to take more. I am scared of having to take insulin injections and I am stressed to keep the sugar levels under control - its not like I am gorging on cakes and pastries, even not eating the right amount, the right stuff at the right time throws the levels out of whack :( Like eating snacks in the middle of the night, which I have done today and I dont care. What else should I do? A pregnant woman in her seventh month tossing and turning - starving? So yes, all the well meaning advice from family/friends of - get food cooked from outside - doesnt help. I got home cooked meals from this punjabi lady and hungrily wolfed down lauki kofta curry and rotis and was going to pass out seeing my reading later that night :( Everytime I see a high reading, I can only picture the injection in my mind.
I am so super swamped at work - I know thats one of my main reasons of BS stress. How how how am I so swamped when my position is going to be terminated end of the year? I am yearning for August to go away, my deadlines to disappear and hopefully a peaceful and quiet September and October to rest and get ready for the next big chapter in my life - being a parent to two kids :)
I keep losing it on P bechara, I think he must be fantasizing about packing a bag and running far far away. We had a detailed ultrasound done (Having gestational diabetes automatically makes it a high risk pregnancy and needs more monitoring) and even though we had told the technician/doctor not to reveal the sex of the baby, she slipped at one point and said "Her" so its most probably a girl. Yesterday he mentioned tiredly that - all of you women are driving me crazy. Poor guy! For his sake, I wanted a boy. Not that the boy wouldnt drive him crazy but atleast it wouldnt be one more in his harem. His mother and sister (though not so much lately) also contribute heavily to leaning on P for everything. Internet doesnt work in India, his mother calls him every single night crying as if its the end of the world. No thought to what must be happening on this side of the line. I would like to think I dont add to his burden but nowadays I am 99% of pregnant-over worked-diabetic wife is driving me crazy- load.
You know what would make all of this go away - if I quit, walk out and say "Thats it, no more, you guys figure out what to do with my pending responsibilities". But I dont have the courage or the desire to do it. I cannot let go of my career, no matter how many times I remind myself and read all those chain letter emails on how when you are ready to die, your family/friends will count and not your co workers etc, I cannot not care about my career. I have worked hard to get where I am and I cannot let go easily. Thats another of my deep buried subconscious stress causant, which I am consciously trying not to acknowledge - the looming pressure of having to find a new job next year.
We were all set to go camping this weekend but I cant do it - half of me is so very enthusiastic to still pull it together and go and the other practical half says "Slow down, get the rest of your things in order". There is a horse riding stable onsite there and R who absolutely loves horses is looking forward to riding a pony. Its a nice camping area, an hour or so away from our place so the driving is not bad and I was looking forward to the last camping trip I would have this year. Plus good company and being outside in the nature....I do want to go. Sigh. Now if I could get a fairy godmother to come help us pack, prepare and pack my diabetic snacks and meals, give me a massage for my aching legs and back, get some work tasks out of the way so next week wont crash on me as soon as I walk in Monday morning, I am all ready to sit back, relax and read a book and enjoy camping...
So what should I do? The next best thing??
I am going to plead with my maternal fetal specialists to give me one more week to get my readings in order.
I am going to ask P to cut up veggies etc so I can cook simple stir fries on Sunday so healthy dinners will be ready for next week.
I am going to get my ass into bed right now and sleep and wake up late.
I will take my laptop over to the campsite so I can get work things out of the way or leave early on Sunday and get it done before Monday...
I am not going to aspire to that image of being a perfect Mom with a beautifully decorated home and frames and pictures put up - R painted such a beautiful picture at school and I was so intent on framing it and hanging it in her room, now its lost somewhere beneath the unending piles of mail. I will not feel guilty about it. First things first...
I will ask for help at work - whats the point in trying to be a super hero and going above and beyond. I need to go above and beyond for myself - by taking care of my health first and then my family.
So prioritize prioritize prioritize - health - physical and mental, smiling family, work :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Mental smack
Sometimes I wish I had the ability to make myself invisible like Mr.India or possess an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. It would be so very useful to turn invisible and smack moronic people on the head and then resume your conversation with them patiently.
I was so excited when a desi family moved in, just a couple of houses away from us. They have a young daughter and I imagined us bonding over impromptu evening dinners and such. No such luck! The lady of the house; the idiot girl and I really do not share the same wavelength. I actually get along very well and am quite fond of her mother in law, with whom she shares a very uncomfortable relationship with :)
Anyhow, she has a MBA from a leading business school and is quite proud of it but Missy, it doesnt show anywhere, you are still as crass and unsophisticated as the next bum on the road! She has said so many inappropriate things to me. Last fall, when they visited during my whole pregnancy saga, I hadnt yet miscarried and I mentioned to her tearfully that maybe this is for the best and in a way I might be relieved when this is all over. She calls me the day after my miscarriage and surgery and is surprised to hear me sound low and says "Arey tuney hi toh bola tha you will be relieved, why are you not happy?" Ummm idiot!
She called me yesterday saying "For some reason, I was thinking you are going to deliver in June". Well that was my due date from my last pregnancy, idiot, any woman who has delivered a child should be more aware of this. So she was asking about child care arrangements after the baby is born etc, and I said "Ya, we need to look for a nanny, I will have to ask you for advice because you have seen the good and bad (they have had a nanny for their child ever since her birth)". So she goes "Arey peheley sab theek toh honey do, last time ki tarah is baar problem toh nahin hain na?". Tears sprung to my eyes and I fought back irritation and calmly said "No, there is no problem this time etc". B%^&ch, I am entering my third trimester, dont you dare nazar lavofy my pregnancy, at this juncture, you pretty much assume that you wont have any problems with your pregnancy. I was so upset last evening and my pregnancy hormones ensure that I can longer shrug off any kind of unpleasant episodes without mulling over it too long. So I am giving myself therapy by venting here, venting to my family and I am not such a big person to pray to God for forgiveness for her or anything, I am rather going to hope she faces the same things in life that I have had and develops some more compassion towards people in similar situations.
Oh yeah, and The Great's thoughts about layoff - If the company really needs you and values you, they will never lay you off. Really!! In today's world? Open your eyes, glamor MBA, look around and see whats happening, its all about the bottom line now. I hope she gets a kick in the ass soon and no red carpet exit. And I hope none of this ill wishing that I am doing for her boomerangs back to me :)) God, you know, I am a nice person, dont you? :) So all of you, who are reading this post, I hope you nod your head in agreement and say "Yes, what an idiot!" (to the girl, not to me)
I was so excited when a desi family moved in, just a couple of houses away from us. They have a young daughter and I imagined us bonding over impromptu evening dinners and such. No such luck! The lady of the house; the idiot girl and I really do not share the same wavelength. I actually get along very well and am quite fond of her mother in law, with whom she shares a very uncomfortable relationship with :)
Anyhow, she has a MBA from a leading business school and is quite proud of it but Missy, it doesnt show anywhere, you are still as crass and unsophisticated as the next bum on the road! She has said so many inappropriate things to me. Last fall, when they visited during my whole pregnancy saga, I hadnt yet miscarried and I mentioned to her tearfully that maybe this is for the best and in a way I might be relieved when this is all over. She calls me the day after my miscarriage and surgery and is surprised to hear me sound low and says "Arey tuney hi toh bola tha you will be relieved, why are you not happy?" Ummm idiot!
She called me yesterday saying "For some reason, I was thinking you are going to deliver in June". Well that was my due date from my last pregnancy, idiot, any woman who has delivered a child should be more aware of this. So she was asking about child care arrangements after the baby is born etc, and I said "Ya, we need to look for a nanny, I will have to ask you for advice because you have seen the good and bad (they have had a nanny for their child ever since her birth)". So she goes "Arey peheley sab theek toh honey do, last time ki tarah is baar problem toh nahin hain na?". Tears sprung to my eyes and I fought back irritation and calmly said "No, there is no problem this time etc". B%^&ch, I am entering my third trimester, dont you dare nazar lavofy my pregnancy, at this juncture, you pretty much assume that you wont have any problems with your pregnancy. I was so upset last evening and my pregnancy hormones ensure that I can longer shrug off any kind of unpleasant episodes without mulling over it too long. So I am giving myself therapy by venting here, venting to my family and I am not such a big person to pray to God for forgiveness for her or anything, I am rather going to hope she faces the same things in life that I have had and develops some more compassion towards people in similar situations.
Oh yeah, and The Great's thoughts about layoff - If the company really needs you and values you, they will never lay you off. Really!! In today's world? Open your eyes, glamor MBA, look around and see whats happening, its all about the bottom line now. I hope she gets a kick in the ass soon and no red carpet exit. And I hope none of this ill wishing that I am doing for her boomerangs back to me :)) God, you know, I am a nice person, dont you? :) So all of you, who are reading this post, I hope you nod your head in agreement and say "Yes, what an idiot!" (to the girl, not to me)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Stress buster
I am in serious need of a stressbuster......taking stock of all the zillion stupid things which worry me seems to help me and as this is my blog and not a person, I can freely abuse it in any way I want to, by venting time and again, so here is my list:
1) I am fat. I am officially fat and overweight. Watching videos of a recent visit to a farm, I was surprised to see a baby elephant waddling among the farm animals. Surprise turned to shock as I also realised it was me :(( My butt and my tummy are almost the same size. I feel as if I am in someone else's body and need to step out. Watching videos of myself constantly amazes me, as in my mind, I am still the girl with the 110 pound fit body.
2) I have insomnia. I lie awake for hours at night. Every small thing sets me off - P's snoring, if it is a hot day, hunger......I eat many snacks all through the night hoping it will put me back to sleep. But I still lie awake....Thats why I am fatter, and it is frustrating as hell to lie awake at night. I am grateful to be working, I swear if I were unemployed, I would drop R, come back home and head straight to bed....which brings me to....
3) I will not have a job next year. I will be officially unemployed. I do not have the discipline or the desire to stay at home. If I take a break and stay home, I know I will put myself up to all these insane expectations from myself and drive myself and P crazy. I do think its easier to go to work for me and to cut myself slack. Its okay if R ate macaroni and cheese twice in a row, the important thing is I spent all evening playing with her etc...My current boss is already telling me about all these internal opportunities which I should be interviewing for....
4) Which brings me to my resume.....I dont have time to update my resume...Should I focus on meeting current deadlines, leave on time to spend time with my visiting father and of course my baby girl or should I leave everything aside and get working on that resume and interview. I know for sure, if this was me in a different personal situation, I would be on the phone talking to hazaar people for a job. But even though the prospect of being unemployed terrifies me, I yearn for the peace and low pressure right now, for the next few months. I just want to focus on my current deadlines, not take on anything new, not have anyone expect anything from me, not have Sonia expect from Sonia and chill and take it easy.....
5) I had thought being told that your position is eliminated means a paid vacation till your last day. But nothing has changed! I still have the same work pressure, same deadlines, same accountability and responsibility. But with the resentment, I am low on patience towards idiotic co workers and feel unjustly punished for not having a job next year while these morons will continue to be employed. I have all these things I need to do around the house but no time....And do I really want all that time.
6) I want to have it all - I look back and realise I was so super lucky with R. As soon as I came back from maternity leave I rotated to a flex time job internally, working only 24 hours a week. It was awesome! I had all this time with my baby, I was also working and in touch with my field, I had a very understanding boss......I miss it now....I want to have it all - a job, flexible hours, time with my kids.....sigh....
Well, its not bad, I know what I need to do....it always always helps to prioritise things in your mind, I have a horrible work week coming up but I will find time and refresh my resume, apply for that internal job, will leave a bit early today so I can come home and spend that last evening with Dad, will leave on time everyday so I can pick up R on time before she burns out in daycare. I will get a dabba from someone so I have my evenings free to work out a little bit and spend time with R and P. And about this insomnia, there are always blog posts to write and read :)) The internet is a wonderful companion at lonely hours :) Aww I rock, I am my best cheerleader...Now off I go to the fridge to feed myself shamelessly and try to sleep for the next hour or two before its time to get up and go go go....
1) I am fat. I am officially fat and overweight. Watching videos of a recent visit to a farm, I was surprised to see a baby elephant waddling among the farm animals. Surprise turned to shock as I also realised it was me :(( My butt and my tummy are almost the same size. I feel as if I am in someone else's body and need to step out. Watching videos of myself constantly amazes me, as in my mind, I am still the girl with the 110 pound fit body.
2) I have insomnia. I lie awake for hours at night. Every small thing sets me off - P's snoring, if it is a hot day, hunger......I eat many snacks all through the night hoping it will put me back to sleep. But I still lie awake....Thats why I am fatter, and it is frustrating as hell to lie awake at night. I am grateful to be working, I swear if I were unemployed, I would drop R, come back home and head straight to bed....which brings me to....
3) I will not have a job next year. I will be officially unemployed. I do not have the discipline or the desire to stay at home. If I take a break and stay home, I know I will put myself up to all these insane expectations from myself and drive myself and P crazy. I do think its easier to go to work for me and to cut myself slack. Its okay if R ate macaroni and cheese twice in a row, the important thing is I spent all evening playing with her etc...My current boss is already telling me about all these internal opportunities which I should be interviewing for....
4) Which brings me to my resume.....I dont have time to update my resume...Should I focus on meeting current deadlines, leave on time to spend time with my visiting father and of course my baby girl or should I leave everything aside and get working on that resume and interview. I know for sure, if this was me in a different personal situation, I would be on the phone talking to hazaar people for a job. But even though the prospect of being unemployed terrifies me, I yearn for the peace and low pressure right now, for the next few months. I just want to focus on my current deadlines, not take on anything new, not have anyone expect anything from me, not have Sonia expect from Sonia and chill and take it easy.....
5) I had thought being told that your position is eliminated means a paid vacation till your last day. But nothing has changed! I still have the same work pressure, same deadlines, same accountability and responsibility. But with the resentment, I am low on patience towards idiotic co workers and feel unjustly punished for not having a job next year while these morons will continue to be employed. I have all these things I need to do around the house but no time....And do I really want all that time.
6) I want to have it all - I look back and realise I was so super lucky with R. As soon as I came back from maternity leave I rotated to a flex time job internally, working only 24 hours a week. It was awesome! I had all this time with my baby, I was also working and in touch with my field, I had a very understanding boss......I miss it now....I want to have it all - a job, flexible hours, time with my kids.....sigh....
Well, its not bad, I know what I need to do....it always always helps to prioritise things in your mind, I have a horrible work week coming up but I will find time and refresh my resume, apply for that internal job, will leave a bit early today so I can come home and spend that last evening with Dad, will leave on time everyday so I can pick up R on time before she burns out in daycare. I will get a dabba from someone so I have my evenings free to work out a little bit and spend time with R and P. And about this insomnia, there are always blog posts to write and read :)) The internet is a wonderful companion at lonely hours :) Aww I rock, I am my best cheerleader...Now off I go to the fridge to feed myself shamelessly and try to sleep for the next hour or two before its time to get up and go go go....
Monday, February 22, 2010
Miscarriage woes
I wish I were pregnant! Why did I have a miscarriage? My company is going to have a major restructuring effort come June and there is a very high possibility of me getting laid off. It would have been so perfect if I hadnt lost my baby, I would be going on maternity leave and would not care about the job or whatever. I could have spent time with my baby and then looked for a job at my leisure.
Now I am stressed about when would I get pregnant again.....my periods are a week away and I am already thinking about them. I saw the Time traveller's wife movie yesterday and everytime she had a miscarriage and bled, I cringed and was terrified. I am scared of my pregnancy, scared of my gyne saying Oh progesterone is low again, start the injections :((
I am worried of looking for a new job and then finding out I am pregnant, worried that I will be pregnant, will start to show and no one will employ me, I do not want to postpone my plans to get pregnant, I am worried I am getting older.....
Anyways I should focus on the good things in my life. My sister cant get pregnant and doesnt have a child. What will she be thinking? I need to be grateful for R and grateful for the flexible work life balance I enjoyed when she was little. I need to believe in myself and my abilities and keep faith that I can get back to work after a mini break, just in case I need to take one. I need to believe that things will be allright and everything will fall into place and when it does, I will feel that the timing was just right and I worried for no reason..
Now I am stressed about when would I get pregnant again.....my periods are a week away and I am already thinking about them. I saw the Time traveller's wife movie yesterday and everytime she had a miscarriage and bled, I cringed and was terrified. I am scared of my pregnancy, scared of my gyne saying Oh progesterone is low again, start the injections :((
I am worried of looking for a new job and then finding out I am pregnant, worried that I will be pregnant, will start to show and no one will employ me, I do not want to postpone my plans to get pregnant, I am worried I am getting older.....
Anyways I should focus on the good things in my life. My sister cant get pregnant and doesnt have a child. What will she be thinking? I need to be grateful for R and grateful for the flexible work life balance I enjoyed when she was little. I need to believe in myself and my abilities and keep faith that I can get back to work after a mini break, just in case I need to take one. I need to believe that things will be allright and everything will fall into place and when it does, I will feel that the timing was just right and I worried for no reason..
Friday, February 19, 2010
SAD
I HATE this weather, its so cold and dreary outside....A good six months of our lives is spent indoors. Calculate how many days, months, years and it adds up to a huge chunk of life!! Why do we live here!! I wish we could just move but I dont know if I have the guts to uproot and move again. Its been ten years in my current place and we have family and friends nearby. It would be so hard to pack up and move but then this weather, below freezing, cold, dreary and dark.......
I was horribly unproductive today, I am going to be working from home on Fridays and all I did was eat everything in sight at home. Now as I gaze at my horrible tummy spilling all over my laptop, I feel gross :( How did I get so out of shape!!
R is here chattering away and P is taking a nap on the sofa which is irritating me even more. Lets ignore the fact that I did nothing all day while he went to work, I am still bored with the fact that he is sleeping during the evening hours. I am so bored.
We have turned into boring people with a bright kid who needs attention but we are too tired or too bored to do anything with her.
SIgggh......okay let me get off this idiot sofa and get something done...
I was horribly unproductive today, I am going to be working from home on Fridays and all I did was eat everything in sight at home. Now as I gaze at my horrible tummy spilling all over my laptop, I feel gross :( How did I get so out of shape!!
R is here chattering away and P is taking a nap on the sofa which is irritating me even more. Lets ignore the fact that I did nothing all day while he went to work, I am still bored with the fact that he is sleeping during the evening hours. I am so bored.
We have turned into boring people with a bright kid who needs attention but we are too tired or too bored to do anything with her.
SIgggh......okay let me get off this idiot sofa and get something done...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Anger management
is what I am lacking today.....
I have been coughing all night and day for the past week and I have just had it....every little thing and every idiot remark is setting me off. I have NO patience left to deal with anyone. I am MAD at:
1) My idiot doctor for not prescribing antibiotics even after I specifically begged him for them.
2) My daughter's daycare for ripping me off - she transitioned from two's room to preschool and they didnt change the amount they were charging in the system and lazy me didnt change my autopayments so I have been consistently paying more for the past month and so, and NOW they say they cant do anything about the past. I know past is irreversible in real life, but in computer systems payments life, it shouldnt be. Hmmphhh
3) P, because he keeps reminding me about my swimming class and as Tuesdays and Thursdays come and go, I try to muster strength to don my newly acquired "fat girl" swimsuit, a modest skirt and top to cover my yuccccccccccccky fatladen body and then realise that I would rather lie on the sofa coughing and blowing my nose than go swim :( There go the fees...
4) The fact that I am overweight - how did that happen? :( In my mind I am so slim and sexy :((
5) memories of my in laws's stays with us and how I cringe at the thought of them visiting again and then again, I do want us all to be a Hum Saath saath hain type family
6) myself, I want to do so much at work and be all Superwoman incarnate but everyday as five o clock rolls around, I wonder what I accomplished all day :((
7) myself and P, for letting R watch so much TV when we all come home from daycare and work but then again, when you are not feeling well, its so convenient to let Mickey Mouse Clubhouse do your work for you.
8) the lunch lady, who charged me for a meat sandwich when I had a veggie one; granted the difference is only a couple of bucks but still...the unfairness of it all :(
Siggggggh, what a relief!! Felt so much better and made me realise that the root of all my problems is my diminished physical condition so the minute my cough and cold gets better, I will be all smiling and sweet again :))) Thanks bloggie..
I have been coughing all night and day for the past week and I have just had it....every little thing and every idiot remark is setting me off. I have NO patience left to deal with anyone. I am MAD at:
1) My idiot doctor for not prescribing antibiotics even after I specifically begged him for them.
2) My daughter's daycare for ripping me off - she transitioned from two's room to preschool and they didnt change the amount they were charging in the system and lazy me didnt change my autopayments so I have been consistently paying more for the past month and so, and NOW they say they cant do anything about the past. I know past is irreversible in real life, but in computer systems payments life, it shouldnt be. Hmmphhh
3) P, because he keeps reminding me about my swimming class and as Tuesdays and Thursdays come and go, I try to muster strength to don my newly acquired "fat girl" swimsuit, a modest skirt and top to cover my yuccccccccccccky fatladen body and then realise that I would rather lie on the sofa coughing and blowing my nose than go swim :( There go the fees...
4) The fact that I am overweight - how did that happen? :( In my mind I am so slim and sexy :((
5) memories of my in laws's stays with us and how I cringe at the thought of them visiting again and then again, I do want us all to be a Hum Saath saath hain type family
6) myself, I want to do so much at work and be all Superwoman incarnate but everyday as five o clock rolls around, I wonder what I accomplished all day :((
7) myself and P, for letting R watch so much TV when we all come home from daycare and work but then again, when you are not feeling well, its so convenient to let Mickey Mouse Clubhouse do your work for you.
8) the lunch lady, who charged me for a meat sandwich when I had a veggie one; granted the difference is only a couple of bucks but still...the unfairness of it all :(
Siggggggh, what a relief!! Felt so much better and made me realise that the root of all my problems is my diminished physical condition so the minute my cough and cold gets better, I will be all smiling and sweet again :))) Thanks bloggie..
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