Venti

I should change the name of my blog to dukh dukh log as I tend to turn to it only when I want to vent!

Painful painful realisation. My birth father pretty much only thinks of me as his "pen friend" (Yes, that concept might have gone away in the eighties but he is 62 so have to cut him slack). He is very busy with professional and personal commitments and of late, I have realised that he only writes to me when he has time. I mean he doesnt make time to write to me. He writes to me when he has time. Isnt there a difference or am I just too clingy needy. Everything is according to his whims. He writes and I reply right away. He doesnt write for days, I wait patiently. Then I complain and say I miss you etc and he writes back. For once I would like to make him wait for my emails. So I am going to try it.

When P and I fight, P carries on a "Ignore wife to hurt her" then a cold war followed suddenly by a "Pretend nothing happened and carry on as usual" which signifies the end of the fight in his mind. I need discussion and post mortem analysis of the fight. And I always decide that I wont go talk to him first and always fail. Five minutes into the cold war, I give in and go yell at him.

So I dont know how its going to work with my Dad. But I want to protect myself from getting hurt. I dont want to love someone so deeply if it is not going to be reciprocated. I do not want to wait for someone if that person doesnt appreciate my patience or realise it.

So I will move him down my priority list too, he was right up there with baby S, even slightly above P and R! He goes down the list now. Until he writes a sappy email saying how much he loves me and I melt. Sigh!