Zindaagi seriously na milegi dobara...

K Mama passed away today. I dont think he was even fifty. I dont know why I am hit so hard, I cannot stop crying. He has an old mother, a wife and a daughter trying to make sense of the shock, which his sudden death brought. I visited http://www.motherhoodinnyc.com/, Marinka always makes me laugh and saw that she had posted a message about her blog friend losing her seven year old son. There is so much pain in this world.

We take life and people so much for granted. One of my cousins had posted a FB status saying "Remember the saying - you dont know what you have until it goes away", she said that everyone knows exactly what they have but they never think it will go away. Which is so true. Even though superficially we may worry about a thousand different things - the next step in our career, home improvement projects, issues with children, issues with no children, mother in law issues, mother issues...the list is unending..even though on the face of it, we could even have a new issue to worry about everyday, in the bottom of our heart, we also know the good things we have. And when we hear about an unfortunate accident or someone facing a terrible loss, we hug our loved ones tight and realise this is what life is all about.

K Mama and his wife had a rocky married life. She is downright lazy and selfish. Plus she is blessed with a mother in law who wakes up at the crack of dawn and does every single thing around the house without any complaint. So that only further fueled her inertia. They somehow decided to adopt a daughter. Mami has limited affection and responsibility towards her so the girl naturally is very attached to her father and grand mother. Destiny is cruel to that girl. It snatched away her birth parents from her and then once again took away her adopted father...

I wonder how each person's destiny gets written. Does God sit up there with a team of Ekta Kapoor like script writers/plot writers and go - Okay, lets just fill this sucker's life up with sorrow. Or lets make sure this girl is seperated from her birth parents. What is it? Do we get a destined start and then everything else is our doing? The decisions we take, the attitude we maintain and the situations we create with both; do they shape our future destiny?

Its so easy to forget...its so easy to get carried away, bogged down by routine and the thousand mundane things in life...

My company got bought by a big shot one and one of my AP managers returned back from vacation. A colleague asked her what she thought about the deal, she simply said "If I had known, I wouldnt have worked hard on my vacation". All of us would have a million "If I had known..." except life is not cruel to each of us. But for the ones who lose something/someone, regret is always one of the first emotions to hit. If I would have known, I would have spent more time with him/her, I would have relaxed more....and on and on it goes....

I will not live my life in regret. I have to learn how to distinguish between relationships with a future and futile relationships and not spend time/energy/emotion on the failed ones. I have to accept they have failed and not try to fix them over and over. The main thing is to live each and every day of this blessed life with happiness and satisfaction.

N.e.e.d t.o. s.l.e.e.p

Taking stock

So its time again to make a list of all the zillion things stressing me out...its always helped me, when I cant sleep and cry in the middle of the night, to write down my lists of things that are bothering me until it becomes clear that most of them are not worth losing my sleep over...

1) I miss my blog. When I started writing my blog, I thought I was writing it for myself and not for the occasional readers. And now when I have made it private, I miss yelling out aloud into the virtual world. I can never stand writing diaries or keeping my thoughts hidden in the innermost compartments of my mind. I am a very open person and I need to share/talk/communicate. I cannot stand this private business.

2) We got a notice from IRS for a whopping penalty (in the thousands of dollars)!! :((( All because I procrastinated on printing and mailing a form. We received the notice on May 16 and were asked to send in the information within 30 days. We faxed the information on June 16, not 30 days technically. I feel horrible. I am too tired to even pray to all Gods to save us from this.

3) Today I was talking to my mother. Over some other topic, she mentioned that I am so straight forward and honest and nice. I had tears in my eyes. How can my mother in law and sister in law view me as evil when everyone else in my life loves me so?

4) I am deeply hurt by how little my sister in law cares for me. There has been no phone call since my reaching out. She really doesnt fricking give a rats ass. Do I deserve this?

5) I am terrible to R. I yelled at her non stop for fifty minutes! fifty fricking minutes today while I fed her dinner. Every bite was a negotiation, every bite was gulped down with tears and whining and yelling from me. I was exhausted at night and when she wouldnt sleep and my grovelling and begging at her feet to sleep wouldnt work, I turned to my most petty self and said I hoped she had a new Mommy in the morning. She was so sad and cried and said No Mommy, I only want you, I will sleep and slept. And then I felt like someone had put a knife through my heart.

6) I am fat. I will never be pretty and slim and have an awesome figure or have beautiful hair or anything. I am ugly and destined to be such. And my baby R thinks I am the most beautiful woman in this world. Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up. When will this adoration for her mommy pass and then she will see the truth? My horrible thunder thighs, my huge butt. Why cant I be slimmer and zero size?

7) There were so many things/projects I had planned to do around the house and I have accomplished nothing. Nada. Zero. And now my job will start in a week's time and then there will be no time left for anything whatsoever.

8) Sometimes I wish I was secure enough to take a break from it all. But my self esteem is so fragile and so very dependent on earning my own money and working that I cannot bring myself to be a stay at home mom. I feel like I will lose all value in my husband's eyes if I stay home. And then I will be forever struggling to meet his expectations as perceived by me.

9) When did life get so hard? It was supposed to be easy and fun? When can I stop hurting and stop getting hurt by people? What is the difference between me and my birth mother then. Can I ever move on and not be hurt by the fact that no one from my immediate in laws cares for me or thinks good of me?

10) Lighter is how I feel after writing this post. Sleep is what I need the most. I need to stop making unrealistic expectations from myself. We have two young kids. Life is supposed to be tough. Leave the rest and enjoy this time before it slips away...

Random things

I talked to Dad everyday for almost a week when he was traveling. It so worked out that he was out of town on his birthday too so I could wish him on his birthday. It was very very nice. Made us even closer, made me trust him and love him even more.

I had never in my life thought about how life would have been if my birth mother would never have gotten divorced etc. Because I was content in my life with my family - when I was in Mumbai, I could pretend I was not the child of divorced parents, I was a part of a healthy normal happy family. So I never imagined hypothetical situations until now....After getting to know my Dad, I see both of them individually and think about how awesome they would have been together. They started out as a great match for each other and then it was cut short cruely. What happened, could it have been avoided, who was at fault here? Who knows? Sometimes I think destiny dictates behavior? Sometimes even though it might seem like you are this close to breaking up or falling out, you magically hold on somehow and get through the storm. And sometimes it doesnt take much to break apart.

I had never asked any of my family anything about the divorce. I asked my Dad all the questions I had and I am grateful to him for answering every single of my questions. He told me the facts, didnt get into details or blame anyone or defend himself. They were together for 3-4 months after which my grandma took her away. He didnt talk about what was so bad that she had to leave. I dont know if he clearly knows. My parents dont know. One person can tell me but I dont dare ask her. And then why does it matter now, after all these years. They have all moved on, atleast on the surface of things. I have my own theory but it doesnt matter anymore..

I am truly blessed though. Things could have gone horribly wrong for me, every step I took could have led me to a different destination, but somehow everything turned out right for me. Just for that I will try not to crib/whine about routine stresses or worries from now on. God has been with me, watched me and done whats best for me on the bigger milestones of my life. I should look at the bigger picture and not sigh over the smaller obstacles.

I have booked tickets to travel to India in Dec. I told him about it, I will not ask to meet. Its his decision. I had brought up the topic a couple of times before and everytime he seemed hesitant, said that he wants everyone to be happy with our reunion and we should be patient. What is the motivation for his family to get excited about me? He will not bring up the topic or discuss any of his feelings with them, they do not ask questions, life goes on as usual. Who likes to stir up drama in their smooth life? Why would they bend over backwards and accept this additional member into their family? I can think of many reasons as to why not? But there are equal reasons to why should they? So I will not press on that matter. When the day comes, that he cannot bear the thought of not meeting me, when I am in the same city, he will take the steps required to make sure his wife and kids are happy and welcoming.

I am going to meet G :) Anyone else around to meet in Pune? :)

Sunday evenings..

Why are Sunday evenings so boring? There is nothing planned, there is an unsaid tension - get ready for the week ahead. If you have a boring/stressful/hated job, then Sunday evenings are unhappy because one stresses about the upcoming week. If you do not have a job then Sunday evenings are unhappy because you think of the coming week and the job applications you need to do.

I know what I want and need in life but its not in my hands. I know what I have and can do in my life and should act on it. Primarily to stay happy. And not to focus on what I dont have but to focus on the million things I do have and am taking for granted. My two beautiful healthy children!!

And to remind myself over and over, I will get a job, I will get a job I like soon.

So I quit

Hello Mr.ABC:

It’s been a little over two weeks since I have joined XYZ. I had accepted this role with great enthusiasm for two reasons – the job profile and the opportunity to work with you. Both still hold true and I have great respect and admiration for you after having worked with you in these 2 ½ weeks.

But I have young children and work life balance is very important for me at this stage in life. I feel that it might not be possible to maintain that balance at XYZ.

I have worked long hours and weekends when required, at my previous employer too, but the company culture was more accommodating to working mothers and they allowed lee way for work from home, flexible hours and compensatory days off/leaving early during downtime. I do not feel that I can expect a similar culture at XYZ Finance; maybe my perception is incorrect. The long commute also adds a bit of restriction on my timings – I can either come in early or stay late but cannot do both, on a regular basis.

I don’t know an easier way to say this but I think I should resign from XYZ. I am indeed very sorry to leave and think that I would have been able to provide value and learn in return. I have enjoyed working with Paul very much and had picked up aspects of the FP&A process, created a desk top procedure for the admin budget and forecasting procedure etc in my short time here.

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused to you. I hope there are no hard feelings and I would love to have been able to work for you. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future someday.

Could you please advise me as to my next steps? I will be at home tomorrow and can be reached on my cell phone or via email.

Best Regards,
Sonia

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I woke up in the middle of the night due to allergies and checked my email - seven new messages - from my friends, sister, parents all saying different things - it was brave of you to take this step, Good luck, and do not stress now. I cannot breathe. I hope to God its not panic stress which is triggering it but hopefully allergic reaction or something. I sat up and tried to say the Gayatri mantra over and over again. No help. Hugged R who is sleeping next by me, helped a bit. Went over and touched S and then got into bed with P. Touch is such a powerful tool! It works wonders to calm and soothe.

One of my major character flaws is to think that my career defines me. My self esteem and confidence drop when I am not working - maybe because it has never happened. I started working when I was in FY, starting SY - my CA articleship - I was 18 then. I am 34 now, so for the past 16 years, I have always been either working or taking time off from working because I was studying - CA or CPA or my MBA. I have never taken a break and done timepass. So I am not used to it and dont know how. And it scares me. I cannot relax and do nothing or do routine household chores or extended timepass with my kids. I need to have my routine for going to work and then I can arrange everything else around it. I also need to earn my own money even though P can provide for all of us comfortably.

That is the reason why I am behaving as if it is the end of the world around my job search and other job related issues.

But I believe that life is about mistakes to be made and lessons to be learnt. Its a long process of self exploration as you begin to understand yourself better and continue to transform into the person you will be in the future. There are no rights or wrongs - no decision is make or break or irreversible. Every turn you take leads you down a different path.

If I would slog it out here, I would be promoted to Controller within five years but within five years, my babies would be five and nine and I would have missed out on so much with them too. Is it quantifiable - one assures sure success, what about the other? How do you measure time spent with kids, love showered, they might grow up and revolt or grow distant or think of me as a burden. All of these things could happen.

But I am not in it for returns. Parenting should be and is a selfless act. You desire to have children, you give birth to them, you teach them, you hope they grow up to be responsible kind and good human beings, you set them free and then if you are lucky, they will come back and keep coming back and give you as much love as you gave them and more.

So today when I quit my job, I need to decide two things. One is that I will never look back and regret this decision. My Aunt says that all decisions are the best at a point of time, they are not to be re evaluated further down the road when you know more about the future and circumstances are different. So I will not look back and despair.

And I will never say to R and S - See, I sacrificed my career for you girls. I sacrificed my career because I think I need to spend more time with them, I need to be able to leave work to go attend every event with them, I need to make sure I am there to boost their self confidence. Not for them. Kids grow up fine in any circumstance. Everyone is born with their own destiny.

And I need to use this downtime for stress management and telling myself deep in my heart to wake up and understand that there is definitely so much more to life than a job and career. And it will never happen that one who wishes to work will not find any. Depending on the requirements and limitations, maybe it might take time. But diligent efforts always lead to success. So I will pick up my list of pending things, which I have not even scraped the surface off yet, last time, because I was so obsessed with finding a job, and go down the list. I will take deep breaths and relax. I will teach myself stress management - if I behave like this now, I am sure to get a heart attack if I find myself unemployed in my forties or fifties. Thats ridiculous behavior.

And I will soon find a job, something that is convenient for me, something that allows me to manage the tight rope balancing act of being a parent, a wife, a home maker and a professional. I will find work again. I just need to keep the hope and breathe :)

I am here :)

One of the three people in the world who know about this blog had asked me why I only write about sad things here. If I want R or S to ever read me in the future, would they think I had a sad life :)) I think I turn to this blog when I am stressed, to clear my head, its my therapy.

Anyways many things happened rapidly over the past month. I had a phone screen at XYZ co. The screen went fine and I was grocery shopping when I received a call from one of their HR reps. Their VP Finance wanted to talk to me. She wanted to set up time to chat tomorrow morning. Tomorrow was a Saturday! Who interviews on a Saturday in the US!! No Sorry or No can you do it, nothing, no regard for my preference. But I needed a job I guess. I said okay. The VP was supposed to call me at 10:30 am, he called at ten and said he had time to talk now and could we chat? Okay, I drop everything and get grilled for 40 minutes. Rapid fire questions. Did I say he was Indian? Patel. Sigh...at the end of it, he says "See you on Monday", I was like "Whaaat, no one told me about anything on Monday". He said "Of course I was on the calendar for a four hour visit to their campus on Monday - meet with so and so culminating in a 45 minute interview (again!!) with him. So then on this beautiful Saturday morning, his HR reps scrambled to call me back with confirmation and put together an agenda for Monday morning. So all of Sunday was spent in running out to buy a suit, prepping for the damn interview.

On Monday, the interviews went fine and when I walked into his office, Mr.Patel says "I have nothing to ask you". Great! At the end of the week, I had my offer. $2K less than what my earlier job was paying me. Arent you supposed to make more when you switch jobs? I accepted just because I am a chicken and insecure and was worried about turning down another job and then what if I didnt get a job for months and months. Now I look back and regret. First of many mistakes? Why am I making mistakes career wise this year! I had a nice cozy job in my comfort zone with my old employer which I turned down because of the commute. Now I am driving 25 miles each way in peak office times and tired and frustrated after 2+ hours of driving each day.

I had hesitated in my tracks when I had driven over to my new company. It was a small red building with a factory attached to it. I had severe withdrawal from having worked for seven years in a sprawling campus in a towering building. I am spoilt. I didnt want to go but forced myself to walk in.

I took this job purely because of one thing - I liked the job profile - its a core finance job and I need that experience on my resume to make it big some day.

But now reality has hit and this dream finance job that I so wanted, is very hectic and stressful and demanding. My colleagues at this work place are young, no kids and have pledged their life to office. So they are there when I arrive, they are irritated when I leave. I already work stupid 8.5-9 hour days without taking any lunch breaks. I have two young children. I cannot keep up with them. I so so want to quit.

R didnt make things easy for me. She cried all through the first two weeks. I have severe allergies and am perpetually feverish, sore throatish and sick. Its all taking a toll on me. I feel like I have made so many mistakes - should have taken my old employer's offer, took this one, now I wont get unemployment...I dont have the guts to do anything anymore. And I have lost the self confidence to think clearly and make a decision for myself. I am scared either way.

I am scared to stay in this job. I feel like a failure everyday - there is no clear handoff, no clear ownership, I dont even have a fricking boss yet and my interim boss is this shiny over enthu workaholic guy who clearly disapproves when I leave in the evening. I feel like a failure at home when I return and two (three?) souls are waiting for me and I feel like I cannot give enough time and attention to each of them. Shouldnt work bring you happiness? Shouldnt time spent away from your loved ones mean something?

I want to quit and take it easy. Visions of lolling around with the two babies, bringing R home half day and spending the summer having fun float in my head. But then reality hits and I am scared - what if, I get tired of it after a few weeks and never ever find a job again.

I keep thinking I should quit. P is not backing me on this. He keeps stressing me out with worst case scenarios like - If you quit before you find another job, then you can sit at home and look after both girls, we should pull R out of school and you can handle everything by yourself, dont expect me to help etc. He is ready to lend me a shoulder if I cry over my commute, tiring job but is unwilling to support me if I say I want to take a break.

I am stressed either way. I horribly envy those girls who are so clear in what they want. They have babies, they quit, they are firm on wanting to stay home and enjoy with kids, they return to work eventually. Why cant I be like that? I want to have everything.

One of my friends told me that working mothers can have everything but not at the same time, you will have different things at different times and it is up to you to decide what is your priority at various times.

So for now, I have decided I will stick to my timings. Let them tell me it is unacceptable. I will work my 8.5 hours and leave and not care if the office is full of people. I have a life and dependents.

I need to take care of my health and find a solution for the effects of allergies. Physical strength and fitness precedes a happy state of mind.

If my blog were a person, I would hug it tight...I feel so much better :)

On a different note, my birth father (I call him Dad now) and me exchange emails on an almost daily basis. Its going great guns and I am going to call him and talk to him for the first time ever on his birthday this month!! He is very nice and loving and I fear I hassle him sometimes by being insecure and clingy.

Should make a list of good things in my life and let go of the stress from the rest. Its all self created, this stupid stress :)

Blue skies are here again...

Seriously I need to learn how to sustain depression and self pity. I cant seem to go beyond a day, somehow I find my way back to smiling!

Have you ever seen a dog take a bath? He shakes shakes shakes his hair out as if to make sure every drop of water has left his body. I did a mental shake shake for myself yesterday to shake out all the self pity and sadness. Plus it also helped to have P come back home and tell me how I make his life complete and all romantic things which he says only once every thousand years. Its like the "Who wants to be a millionaire game"; I have only so many lifelines and so many occasions on which he will be super romantic with words :) My strong and silent loving husband!

Plus it helped to have friends who sternly scolded me over how I could possibly think it would have been better to not have been born at all and have I forgotten my incredible family who loves me, friends who think of me as family and so on...Thank god for friends who say the things which are right for you and not just the right things..

And venting out in the virtual world helps too - I need to pay myself for my blog - save so much money on therapy definitely!

Plus doing fun things with unsuspecting babies like not brushing baby S's hair after bath with the result that she has the cutest Mohawk right now! God, I have beautiful babies!!

Well all in all, I am back to normal now. I did write an email asking hard questions to my birth father. I am fair that way, if my side of the family is sleepless and worrying, I want to make sure yours is too. I feel like I am having an affair with a married man. His wife knows or doesnt, his kids dont know, wonder when he will tell them etc...its one thing to say "You are my daughter and I love you so much" in the safety of your own home over emails and another to step out of the virtual world and actually say it aloud to family and friends. I will not continue to hurt my family if I dont really have a committed relationship from his end.

And finally I cannot cannot allow this to distract me from my priorities in life. I was snapping at R for no reason and thats not allowed. So refocus on my babies, my husband, my job search, my exercise and let other things take a back seat...

In other news, I am going to run the half marathon again this year! Hopefully my dreams and reality will collide and I will be running past the finish line come August..

Thanks for all of you who thought of me and said a prayer, commented, emailed and called. I am truly blessed!

Rewind

I don't know at what point a miscarriage takes place but I have experienced the end - when the ultrasound technician says to you "Sorry no heart beat" and you feel like your heart might cease beating too. When the doctor examines you and the blood flows and doesn't stop and the doctor says "Sorry the baby is gone". Or when you return home and feel empty inside. I don't know but I wish my mother would have experienced this 34 years ago. I wish I could rewind the past and be in the womb and pray to god, take me away now, let me not live.

My mother wouldn't be a divorcee with a child, she would merely be a divorcee. My brother might have gone to stay with our parents, they could have been their own nuclear family. My mother wouldn't be reminded of her divorce everytime she saw me. Maybe she might have moved on easier. My birth father wouldn't have felt guilty of this fault - not inquiring of his own flesh and blood and would be more at peace and pleased with himself and his achievements today.

My husband could have married someone better than me. Someone with straight hair and slight figure, someone who would be a bigger person and accomodate his parents. My in laws would be happy today living in the US with their son and his family.

Is there really any purpose to my life? Is it the result of some evil things that I did in my past life/lives that I was deemed to be born and be a third wheel and disrupt the happiness of so many? Do I even deserve to be a mother or will my daughters also be better off with someone else?

But I cant take a chance so live I must, and even though I am weary of carrying this load of obligation; obligations dumped on by me by everyone since birth, I have to pick myself up and carry on. For I cannot repeat the same mistakes others have done. I have given birth to my two beautiful babies and now I have to stand strong for their sake.

In my next life though, Good Lord, please take me from the womb if I am not wanted, it will just be so much easier on everyone.

Are you over confident?

Then try looking for a job....its apply apply no reply and then because I have been saying that for a while, now I am getting replies everyday and they are all rejections!!! And yes, the well meaning aunties who keep saying - Take some years off, stay home with the children. Why is that you are automatically judged as a bad mother if you choose to want to work outside the home?

I think my kids will have a better mother if I am a better me and I am a better me if I have my self worth and identity which is (sadly maybe in the eyes of some, but I am not ashamed to admit) defined by my career for me. I love waking up in the morning and having this routine. If I stayed home, I would get nothing done. We would all lie around in bed till eleven. I am not disciplined like some people. I do think being a stay at home mom requires nerves of steel and great internal confidence and security and I dont possess both.

I like waking up, having my routine, getting dressed, sending my girl(s) to school where they can learn many things from trained professionals, having my own friends, enjoying the satisfaction of a job well done, being intellectually stimulated, putting all those years of studying and hard work to get my degrees to good use, earning my own money, coming back home to my family, enjoying my evenings with them, being able to take lavish vacations with them, being able to put something away for their future....Whether you are happier working or staying home is an extremely personal decision and no mother should be judged for choosing either way.

Of course I can do all this because R loves her school and wakes up every morning enthused to go to school. If she would wake up and cry everyday or get perpetually sick from the germs being passed around at school, I could have been singing a different tune.

I can do this because I have an awesome young nanny who devotes her time to baby S. I know baby S is looked after really really well.

I can do this because I have a husband who would love to see me work, who supports me and is happy in my accomplishments - at home and at work and outside.

And I can do this because we are in a country which allows for work life balance and understands the working mother's dilemma.

So Yes, thats why I am desperate to have a job soon...Now if only the rejects will turn into accepts miraculously overnight, I will be up and running on my way....but good things come to those who wait, so wait I will, and with a smile at that..

Someone give me a JOB NOW..

I am growing up

My best friends all coincidentally warned me yesterday to not dive headlong into my relationship with my birth father and to trust every word that comes from his mouth or rather, in this case, gets typed out on the computer. Their warning was a day late. I had already sent an email with part I of my childhood describing in brief but candidly the various shades of grey that I was surrounded by. There was nothing false or contorted about it, it was what it was but to a biased reader like him, it must have seemed the perfect opportunity to jump at.

I have been waking up in the middle of the nights and reading his emails and then have not fallen back asleep and have just been jetlagged from the past week or so, since we started writing to each other. Yesterday I drove an hour out to the Sai Baba temple here. As soon as I stepped into the hall and saw Sai Baba smiling at me, I felt at peace. I left my problems there, asked him for guidance, drove home and went to my desk and saw his reply.

His mask had slipped away. In haste he had gleefully jumped to conclusions and I could see how little he thinks of my grandmother and my birth mother. And how highly of himself and his family. He sees himself as this visionary of the future - we need to advise future generations so they dont have to go through what we went through. So now he sees himself as the victim along with me, and my grandmother and mother as the inflictors of crime :) I was so relieved to see his reply. I should have felt sad but I was relieved to recognise and realise the real person behind the glamor. And just like that I have grown up people.... I wrote to him admonishing him to jump to conclusions and how he should realise that the world is shades of grey and not black and white and no matter what their personalities were, the fact remains that my mother and grand mother love me immensely and have stood by me forever.

Anyways my head has cleared and I am focusing on the things that matter to me - my job search, my family, exercise, planning vacations etc... :) And one surprising side effect of this journey is that I have a renewed sense of patience and affection for my in laws. No matter how troublesome they seem to me, they have stayed together, given their kids a good life and have done their duty as parents. I was taking this simple act for granted until I realised some parents can get away with not fulfilling their responsibilities forever.

Travelbug had quoted from Obama's book on how he focused on the absent parent instead of celebrating the life of the one who was there. I was so caught up in the emotion of connecting with my birth father that I had not realised the impact of this statement until today. I have three sets of parents in my life, God has been very good to me. Everyone who has parents will admit to being frustrated with them at some point of time or the other. I have three (counting my in laws)! Add to it, the interference of well meaning relatives and a loving but fiercely protective and dominating grandmother, I have had my share of frustrations.

So here are my next steps, I have written to him, lets see how he replies back. If he admits his mistake and shows some amount of understanding and humility, our ties will be strengthened forever. If the reply comes back as self centered as before, I know how he is and can stay emotionally detached and still be in touch once in a while. In the meantime, I will try to patch things with my inlaws. I was so busy ensuring that my comfortable life doesnt get any bumps that I didnt stop and think about taking the first step to create win wins for them. I went out of my way and shed my ego for a man whom I have never met, who has not done anything for me in his life. I think these two people who have done such an excellent job of bringing up my husband and caring for his emotional, physical and financial well being when he was growing up, deserve better. I do not regret anything that has happened. I am thankful for this journey of self realisation which is definitely making me a better person and opening my eyes to what is really important with people and relationships.

Because I am a slow learner..

and cannot take hints...

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Hi Mr.XYZ,

Lets start over again. My name is Sonia and I was born on so and so in so and so city. My parents are divorced and happily remarried with families of their own. I have had a happy childhood too and continue to lead a loved and peaceful life. So you might say; why do I want to look in my past and reach out?

I dont know if its because I am an optimist and believe in happy endings (for myself) or maybe because I have stayed too long in the US where having birth and adopted parents is nothing new, I dont know. But I am 34 today and have few regrets so far, and I know that when I will be your age, I will regret never having gotten in touch with you. Over the past couple of years, since having kids and being a parent myself, I began to wonder if you ever thought of me. I do not know anything about you and I am sure you dont know anything about me but I have this wish of getting to know you a little bit someday.

I would like to hear your thoughts. If you do not appreciate my contacting you, please let me know and I will never bother you again. I do not intend to cause you any trouble, nor do I expect anything from you.

Best Regards,

Sonia

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I also told my parents that I reached out and the amazing awesome parents that they are, they totally understood where I was coming from. They also said that you have done what you had to do, now forget about it. Same advice as given to me by everyone else. I am not going to tell anyone of this second email now. For the three of my readers who know me in real life, I do not wish to discuss this with you so shoo away :) I am saying this with louuwe :) For my virtual friends, its easier to hear criticism and support from you guys ;)

NOW I feel better and have closure. NOW I do not care if he gets back or doesnt. End of story until there is an update...

Seen and ignored...

I think this is my time to face rejection - Its "Apply apply no reply" for my job interview applications and I am pretty sure my birth father has looked at my email and ignored it. How do I know? Because I remember the last activity on his wall and I checked now, after a couple of days and there is new activity - adding new friends etc. So very good chance of his having read my message.

Well, the message is clear to me too now. He does not care and never has. Its good closure for me now. Many times over the last couple of years, I have imagined bumping into him somewhere, us talking, him feeling bad over how things have turned out etc. Now I will stop with the daydreaming. I always gave him the benefit of doubt in my mind that they both must have made mistakes and were not together. At times when I was angry with my birth mom, I would also think that maybe she was the problem and thats why they got divorced etc etc. But now I know, I know my birth mom and she is a genuine human being, full of love and affection and respect and regard for others. I know him from our one way interaction and know that he doesnt care. So this is the end to this chapter in my life. I will pretend I was never the baby of divorced parents.

I told P over the weekend and was so super glad he understood and supported me. He also thought that my reaching out might relieve my birth father and was confident that he must already be thinking about me all this time. These are the thoughts of an adoring husband and loving father of two girls. I need to tell him not every man is like you honey..

Well, I do feel better I got this done and out of the way and this was an outcome which was very much expected so no broken heart and tears over this. Its my birthday tomorrow and for all my birthdays to come now, I will not think of him.

Thanks to all of you - Tears&Dreams, Nids, Brahma, Tys, Seena, Anon and Comfy for your support and advice. I do believe this makes me a better person - reaching out and facing the rejection :)

I did it....

One thing crossed off my list of things to do in life.....
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Here is the message I sent him:

Hello Mr.XYZ,

I am ABC's daughter. I saw you on Facebook and thought that we should say Hello once in our lifetime - yours and mine. So Hello :)

Have a great rest of your life,
Sonia
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I do feel much more peaceful now. I hope he checks his FB himself and does not rely on his kids or his wife to do it for him. I am not really keen or enthu to be pally pally with his whole family. Why stir up trouble and I have a pretty awesome family myself too, its not like I am yearning for love..I also realized that I won't even feel bad if he doesn't respond. I know that he will have read this message and looked at my profile picture and I am satisfied with that much. I did not want to go through life never ever saying Hi or being aware of each other - I have seen his pictures but this way I know that he has finally seen me too.

I have not told anyone except one of my closest friends and my best friends from school who know of my blog will find out about this eventually too so girls, if you are reading this, please don't call me up and yell. Its done. But just in case I get into trouble or am hurt, please do hold my hand ;)

Now I should focus on to more productive things in my life :)

The power of social networking

Today on a whim, I typed in my birth father's name on "Search everyone" in Face book and there he was. A hand around his wife who was holding their grandson. I looked and looked at their picture for a long time. I thought to myself meanly that my birth mom is more beautiful than this lady for sure but even then couldn't bring myself to think bad for her. Because she did seem like a really nice woman. This just led downhill as I then discovered his kids and their spouses and looked through their photo albums and read the posts on their walls and discovered his brothers and their extended families. All of my day which should have been productively spent in job search or chores around the house or spending time with baby S whizzed by as I looked at the lives of these people with whom I share a common gene.

For some time I was tempted to add him as a friend and send him a message. But it has passed. He has a great family, I have an awesome family. There are people on my side - especially my birth mother, who will be hurt as hell if I reached out and I am sure there will be people on his side who will be hurt by me.

I am lacking for nothing in my life, I have no void left over by an absent father just because my Dad, the person who had no obligation and blood relations to me adopted me and has stood steadfastly and firmly behind me all these years. He has been a pillar of monetary, emotional, moral and physical support for me. From teaching me how to ride a bike to wiping my tears away when I flunked my CA finals to encouraging and cheering me on every obstacle I faced to celebrating my successes - my CA degree, my first job, my marriage and on and on. He is still there, a phone call away telling me confidently "You will of course get the job you want, enjoy this time with S and R and everything will work out just fine". I have no void. I have a father who has gone above and beyond his duties/responsibilities as a father.

But still I stop and wonder sometimes, especially after having babies of my own, does he ever think of me? His first child, the first grandchild in their huge family? Does he ever stop and wish to get in touch with me, to know me? He turns sixty one this year, as he enters the last phase of his life, does he wish to talk to me, to apologize for walking away, to not getting to know me ever. I stop and wonder and then again am tempted for a second to click the "Add friend" button on Face book.....

I think this is one situation which I know I will regret for sure - I will regret never ever talking to him when he passes away but yet, I am paralyzed and cannot proceed for fear of hurting a lot of people. If I was assured that no one else in this world would know and if we could just meet together - only the two of us, I would take the first step. But for now, I am scared. I have not been the greatest daughter to my birth mom, I have punished her long and hard for not being strong enough, but this is something I cannot do to her. I know it will crush her and I love and care for her more than him to hurt her like that. I am also not sure of the kind of person he is, and I do not want to hurt myself. I do not want to risk opening Pandora's box and upsetting a lot of people. Maybe this is for the best, if fate ever brings us together in a chance meeting, then so be it. Until then I will push these thoughts away and focus on my present and the people who love me and cherish me and have fought for me to keep me and to nurture me.

P.s: I realize I had written a similar post when R was born :)
http://sukhdukhlog.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-do-i-do.html
Sigh....what is the right thing? Who can look in a magic ball and tell me the answer?

Kabhi khushi kabhi gam

I found the culprit to my dukh - its my periods. One of my friends told me that some women get depressed at that "time of the month". P doesnt believe me and thinks its just a major scam thought up by women all over who want to justify their crankiness and tendency to stress over faltu things. But then P has said all the hazaar things you should not say to your wife/girlfriend during that time of the month. For example: How old are you now? 33? How come you are not used to the pain by now? Now he knows better and pretends to be sympathetic. That will do too :))

Plus I talked to my parents. My mother uses this "guilt me into cheering up" technique on me nowadays.

Sonia: Mommy, whine whine whine (over some silly insignificant issues)
Mom: Ya ya, you will feel better soon/you will get a job soon/R will sleep through the night soon etc etc.....Did you know cousin X got cancer detected and has gone through chemo sessions and has lost all her hair? I had called her and she is so positive, she said she feels good now and wears a cap to cover her baldness. Her son and daughter in law are in Bangalore and she is in Pune by herself but she prefers to stay in her home surrounded by her familiar city.
Me: Thinking to myself - Omigod, I am horrible. I will stop whining right now!

And then I shut up and think positive and thank god over and over for all the wonderful things that I have in life and to give me strength to face all the other inconvenient situations that might come my way etc etc :)

A long time back I had read the book - Seven habits of highly effective people. I had really loved it and one of the things the author has said is to imagine a big red STOP sign when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts. It does immensely help to do that. So now I am back to saying STOP to myself mentally when I find myself drifting along to unproductive thoughts.

Well...thank you, all of you for your sweet words and concern and love. I feel so much better already and will not be whining again (I hope)..I hope all of you have a great day and weekend too...

A smile is harder than a sad face...

Yeah staying cheerful is hard work on some days. I had to go back to work for a bit again and it again depressed me. I think if I had a job lined up already, I wouldnt feel this way. I went to the gym and was depressed looking at the others. I felt like I was the only fat slob in town. I half heartedly worked out for a little bit and came home. My heart isnt in anything. I want to go out, when I go out, I want to go home. I want to be with my baby, I want to work. I want to be fit, I dont want to work out. I want my Mommy :( I dont want to go to India. Maybe sulking for some time will help, only if it doesnt lead to more self pity....

Oh yay, I feel so much better already.....for the two people who read my blog and others, please ignore this post. I can only call up my friends and family so many times to vent in person. Pretty soon they will be enormously bored with my constant whining. My blog and my laptop cannot complain so here is my space to whine :)

Hope all of you are having a better day!

End of self pity :)

Yesterday I had to go to my office to get my laptop fixed before I need to give it away. My last day with them is approaching fast and I wanted to make sure I had all of my personal stuff off the work computer. As I am still technically on maternity leave, the security guard required someone from HR to come downstairs and let me in and I don't know what went on but no one seemed to show up. So there I was sitting in the lobby like a visitor for almost 2 1/2 hours while I waited for the IT technician to show up, then take my computer away, then try to figure out how to fix it. In the meantime people walked in and out of the lobby, many of them who knew me stopped by to chat - Some asked "Are you here for a job interview?", others gasped and were shocked that I turned down a job offer from my company (the location was a 45 minute one way commute on a good day, realistically I would be on the road for three hours everyday), others said with pitiful looks that they kept me in their prayers (who died!) while some had the audacity to tell me that the market is tough outside. What the hell, if you have a job, why would you say that to someone who doesn't have one!

Anyways those 2 1/2 hours of sitting in the lobby like a stranger were so painful. Maybe if I wasn't let go, I wouldn't have felt so bad but yesterday I was fighting back tears. I have worked in that office, on that campus for 7 years now, the security guard knows me by name but still no one would let me in. Companies are cold and ruthless that way. It was a good cleansing closure kind of experience though, I refused to cry outwardly, brushed away my tears, chatted gaily with all and sundry and waited for my stupid worthless piece of junk laptop to be returned to me.

While leaving, I was done with them. Even now when I drive past, I think of it as home, not anymore, ties are severed. I wonder how people who work at a certain place for 20+ years feel, when they get let go.

I went to my favorite book store and bought a humongous chocolate chip cookie and an iced coffee and inhaled both and shopped for books and what not and finally took a deep breath and felt better :)

So now baby steps for everything....P has assured me over and over not to freak out and think we are headed for doomsday separation etc and has made me realize that his parents, even though they have numerous character flaws, are not khatarnaak and vicious as the Sasu Mas depicted in the soap operas on Indian TV. So after making it clear that I was not signing up for moving in with them or green card or even six months stay every year, I have promised to take the first re conciliatory step by talking nicely with them when we call this weekend and every subsequent phone conversation.

I also talked to a recruiter who said she loved my resume and not to worry, the market is getting better etc :) I refuse to worry about my job. I refuse to worry about my nanny. I refuse to worry.

I am going to enjoy my time with baby S and my drama queen R. I am going to go work out everyday - I was so busy crying over the past few days that I skipped gym :( I am going to focus on my job search. I am going to put some time aside for my home decoration khayali pulao ideas which I have made over the x no of years but never found the time to actually execute on them.

So thats where I am at, self pity is done, never again will I allow someone to pull me down and step on me, always turn towards the sun and smile :)

Job search woes

Anyone who has searched for a job before knows that a job search is a job in itself!! My company has paid for a two month subscription to this outplacement agency and I connected with them and am bombarded with seminars and a consultant who expects me to follow the "ideal" list of things to do. I am sitting at my desk, listening to this 2 hour seminar on how to look for a job, baby S is crying downstairs, and I am getting more and more frustrated. And my job search hasnt even begun.

Finally I hang up in the middle of the seminar and am going to take matters in my own hands :) I had been offered a role in my old company but at a location which is a 45 minute one way drive on a very good day. Most days are bad days in the winter and this commute will easily turn into a one and a half hour drive. In addition, the job profile is something that I am tired of and would prefer to stay away from. After a lot of heartache, I said No. I still panic and reach for the phone to call them and say "I made a mistake, I will take that job" :( I think sometimes looking for a new job and being unemployed is more scary and painful than staying in a boring job.

Anyhow, to stay positive and smiling, I have joined my gym where I havent really been yet, except to register and pay the enrollment fees :( In my defense, we had a huge snowstorm here which shut down everything for a couple of days and R got sick and so went my week. Baby S's nanny is very worried about my job situation. She asks me alternate day - koi interview call aaya? which freaks me out even more. Sigh!

Well once again, to remind myself of not panicking, of not falling into that downward spiral of fear and depression, S, deep breaths, you will get a good job, you will get a good job soon soon soon.....Do not worry about the future, do not worry about hypothetical situations, do not worry about the ifs and buts. Focus on the present, kiss baby S, play with R, do both with P ;) and do some job search in between and things will sort out by themselves. They always do.......but enjoy the ride this time instead of tears and frustration :)

Now to practise what I preached myself.....

A new year, a new start

My new year resolution for this year onwards is to remain positive and to worry less, especially about things in the future. And I have realised that most of my worries are about hypothetical situations in the future. What if this happens and what if that happens etc etc.

I do want to get back into shape and want to get fitter. I find that just by merely sticking to any exercise routine and getting fit works absolute marvelous wonders in all other aspects of my life. When I was training for the half marathon, I would run by myself on weekdays and run with a group on Sunday early mornings. The early morning runs were so therapeutic! Its so immensely peaceful to run outside on a beautiful summer day, early in the morning. The state park where I ran, had deer grazing in the meadows and on many occasions we saw a Mommy deer with her babies. It was a super start to the day...I crave it and wish to run a half marathon this year too, lets see.

So when I was all hit and fit, I had an elevated sense of self worth and self esteem. Clothes fit better, I had more energy and I found myself signing up to try out new things - like I signed up to play volleyball on our department team (and we won too; no thanks to me, we had expert players on our team hehe). The fundu effects of exercise/working out are not over rated. They are really true. Plus once you run something, you get bragging rights forever, I might be sagging in all places I should be holding firm and looking like a scrawny cat but people look at me with respect in their eyes when I say I ran a marathon ;) Maybe its not respect and its shock - "Really, this sack of potatoes ran a marathon, who is she kidding" ;)

To take a step in that direction, I have joined this huge flashy gym in our area. Its a huge building with everything under one roof - basket ball courts, racquetball, tennis, swimming, yoga and all the usual treadmills, weights etc. Very intimidating too. I went in for a fitness assessment which basically said that my body age is 42 as compared to my chronological age of 33 :( My flexibility sucks and my cardiovascular fitness is poor. My bicep strength is fair but surprisingly 66% of my body mass is lean! Yay!! Something to celebrate ;) Well, I need to lose about 25 pounds to reach my "ideal" body :) Easy peasy huh..I have decided my goal is to lose 12 pounds over the next three months. Have taken two personal trainer sessions and am going to go work out EVERYDAY. Say a prayer for me ;)

On the positivity resolution; I react, stress, worry, obsess and then let it go - and I have decided to do all of this in under an hour. Nothing gets carried forward to the next day EVER. When I had my miscarriage, I was convinced I would soon be holding a healthy happy baby, and exactly a year later, I was holding my beautiful smiling baby S. I am going to stay positive and think happy thoughts always.

I have a super nanny; Touch wood, anti jinx spells and all....she has the "Most Important Person" in my life status, almost neck to neck with P, R and S and my parents and all ;) Its easy to rely on her, know that baby S is being loved and cared for and focus on myself - finding a good job, working out and the zillion exciting things to be done around the house like organizing our office, filing bills away and preparing the tax returns! Sigh...

All in all I am happy today! How are you doing?

Growing up and other..

Eleven some years ago I boarded a flight to USA, a naive young girl, newly married and moving away from her parents for the first time ever in her life. On the leg from London to my city, an elderly British lady befriended me. I think we bonded over our common fear of the airplane restroom and the possibility of being stuck inside if the doors wouldnt open (AI used to have those heavy doors which you had to push in the middle to open, havent seen them since!).

The lady was on her way to see her grandson for the first time. When we landed and got through customs, she introduced me to her son and her grandson - a cute baby sitting in his stroller. I immediately bent down and talked to him and then did the unthinkable - touched his cheek. I can never forget the hasty pull back of the stroller by his father and the horrified annoyed look I got from him. I simply couldnt understand what it is, that I had done wrong when P explained to me that some folks dont like strangers touching their babies - especially when you have gotten off an international flight.

Now almost 11 years and 2 kids later, I can relate to that father. I dont know if being in this country has changed me or its the whole motherhood quotient or I have grown wiser and know the ways of the world or whatever.....I might also cringe if a complete stranger holds my baby at the airport - fresh off an international flight, maybe, might not but the possibility is there :)

I remember being amused when my school friend visited and he kissed R over and over again, unabashedly like a doting Uncle would to his favorite niece. Is it this country? Or is it me? Or is it because you are forced to grow up when you leave home and the comfort of your family and friends and have to set up your life and start all over again in new unfamiliar surroundings? Does that make you hesitant to display emotions, teach you to be more guarded, teach you to protect yourself from not displaying either extreme happiness or sadness? I dont know...

For now, I wanted to remember this incident as one of my distant acquaintances visits - a niece of my neighbor's in India. She is newly married and recently moved here. Is visiting my city during this long weekend and suddenly called me up this week to say she would like to come over. Called me twice during the day when I was sleeping and then feeding baby S and couldnt get to the phone, the third time she left an angry message saying "I cant reach you, just send me your address so I can come over". First of all I am not even pally pally with this female, secondly I have a month old infant, maybe some understanding if I dont return your call asap, atleast give me 4 hours from your last call and thirdly its the long weekend, could you please ask us if we have any plans, family visiting to see the baby etc and we might have some preferences on when we would like her to visit. Anyways I did talk nicely to her and have invited her for dinner today but it made me think.

Is it being a new mother all over again and I am tired and sleep deprived and dont have the enthu to entertain non friends, non relatives - I dont even know what category she falls into...Have I changed that now I expect people to give me formal notice of when they will visit? Actually as I type this, I realise, its not that....even in India you would call someone if you have driven 6 hours to visit their city and will drive another 45 minutes to go see them, wouldnt you want to make sure they are home and available to entertain? Especially if they have an infant at home....

Anyways....open your mind S and be more understanding, a little more patient and a bit more welcoming and give her the benefit of doubt. And when the clock chimes ten, excuse yourself and go to bed..

Edited to add: They did visit and were very sweet. She is rough around the edges but he is very very nice! I was glad we had put together a nice dinner and were available to chat nicely. They also left at ten when I had already started yawning....Have resolved to be more friendlier and welcoming to new acquaintances..