set it free, if it comes back it was yours...remember that saying..My Aai Baba have really practised it. God has been so so very kind to me. I have these amazing parents. I am extremely lucky. They let me go on this quest to know my birth father without even prohibiting me. Aai actually said she understood my need to get in touch with him. They are so secure and so full of love.
As I get to know my birth father better, there is no chance of me drifting away from my Aai Baba. If anything, I am even closer to them today. I am so grateful and appreciative of all that they have done, the values they have instilled in me, through their eyes I am the most beautiful, smart and perfect human being ever to walk on this earth. And that has given me confidence to last me ages, to last me through every obstacle, every downfall. The more that I talk to my birth father, the more I listen to this man, hesitating at every step to hold my hand, who proclaims his love at the top of his voice over the safety of the internet and is so very reluctant to acknowledge me in real life, that man, that quiet unassuming man, who is not connected by blood to me in any way, shines brighter in my life for me. My Baba and my Aai. I love you so much.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The power of social networking
Today on a whim, I typed in my birth father's name on "Search everyone" in Face book and there he was. A hand around his wife who was holding their grandson. I looked and looked at their picture for a long time. I thought to myself meanly that my birth mom is more beautiful than this lady for sure but even then couldn't bring myself to think bad for her. Because she did seem like a really nice woman. This just led downhill as I then discovered his kids and their spouses and looked through their photo albums and read the posts on their walls and discovered his brothers and their extended families. All of my day which should have been productively spent in job search or chores around the house or spending time with baby S whizzed by as I looked at the lives of these people with whom I share a common gene.
For some time I was tempted to add him as a friend and send him a message. But it has passed. He has a great family, I have an awesome family. There are people on my side - especially my birth mother, who will be hurt as hell if I reached out and I am sure there will be people on his side who will be hurt by me.
I am lacking for nothing in my life, I have no void left over by an absent father just because my Dad, the person who had no obligation and blood relations to me adopted me and has stood steadfastly and firmly behind me all these years. He has been a pillar of monetary, emotional, moral and physical support for me. From teaching me how to ride a bike to wiping my tears away when I flunked my CA finals to encouraging and cheering me on every obstacle I faced to celebrating my successes - my CA degree, my first job, my marriage and on and on. He is still there, a phone call away telling me confidently "You will of course get the job you want, enjoy this time with S and R and everything will work out just fine". I have no void. I have a father who has gone above and beyond his duties/responsibilities as a father.
But still I stop and wonder sometimes, especially after having babies of my own, does he ever think of me? His first child, the first grandchild in their huge family? Does he ever stop and wish to get in touch with me, to know me? He turns sixty one this year, as he enters the last phase of his life, does he wish to talk to me, to apologize for walking away, to not getting to know me ever. I stop and wonder and then again am tempted for a second to click the "Add friend" button on Face book.....
I think this is one situation which I know I will regret for sure - I will regret never ever talking to him when he passes away but yet, I am paralyzed and cannot proceed for fear of hurting a lot of people. If I was assured that no one else in this world would know and if we could just meet together - only the two of us, I would take the first step. But for now, I am scared. I have not been the greatest daughter to my birth mom, I have punished her long and hard for not being strong enough, but this is something I cannot do to her. I know it will crush her and I love and care for her more than him to hurt her like that. I am also not sure of the kind of person he is, and I do not want to hurt myself. I do not want to risk opening Pandora's box and upsetting a lot of people. Maybe this is for the best, if fate ever brings us together in a chance meeting, then so be it. Until then I will push these thoughts away and focus on my present and the people who love me and cherish me and have fought for me to keep me and to nurture me.
P.s: I realize I had written a similar post when R was born :)
http://sukhdukhlog.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-do-i-do.html
Sigh....what is the right thing? Who can look in a magic ball and tell me the answer?
For some time I was tempted to add him as a friend and send him a message. But it has passed. He has a great family, I have an awesome family. There are people on my side - especially my birth mother, who will be hurt as hell if I reached out and I am sure there will be people on his side who will be hurt by me.
I am lacking for nothing in my life, I have no void left over by an absent father just because my Dad, the person who had no obligation and blood relations to me adopted me and has stood steadfastly and firmly behind me all these years. He has been a pillar of monetary, emotional, moral and physical support for me. From teaching me how to ride a bike to wiping my tears away when I flunked my CA finals to encouraging and cheering me on every obstacle I faced to celebrating my successes - my CA degree, my first job, my marriage and on and on. He is still there, a phone call away telling me confidently "You will of course get the job you want, enjoy this time with S and R and everything will work out just fine". I have no void. I have a father who has gone above and beyond his duties/responsibilities as a father.
But still I stop and wonder sometimes, especially after having babies of my own, does he ever think of me? His first child, the first grandchild in their huge family? Does he ever stop and wish to get in touch with me, to know me? He turns sixty one this year, as he enters the last phase of his life, does he wish to talk to me, to apologize for walking away, to not getting to know me ever. I stop and wonder and then again am tempted for a second to click the "Add friend" button on Face book.....
I think this is one situation which I know I will regret for sure - I will regret never ever talking to him when he passes away but yet, I am paralyzed and cannot proceed for fear of hurting a lot of people. If I was assured that no one else in this world would know and if we could just meet together - only the two of us, I would take the first step. But for now, I am scared. I have not been the greatest daughter to my birth mom, I have punished her long and hard for not being strong enough, but this is something I cannot do to her. I know it will crush her and I love and care for her more than him to hurt her like that. I am also not sure of the kind of person he is, and I do not want to hurt myself. I do not want to risk opening Pandora's box and upsetting a lot of people. Maybe this is for the best, if fate ever brings us together in a chance meeting, then so be it. Until then I will push these thoughts away and focus on my present and the people who love me and cherish me and have fought for me to keep me and to nurture me.
P.s: I realize I had written a similar post when R was born :)
http://sukhdukhlog.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-do-i-do.html
Sigh....what is the right thing? Who can look in a magic ball and tell me the answer?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Our little princess is here !!!
She came a whole 20 days early and chose her own special birthdate 10-10-10 :))
We are home now and everything went smooth and she is just so cute!! I have completely fallen in love with her :)) R is beyond herself with excitement and is reading stories, singing songs, offering toys, kissing her non stop and just being a whirlwind of happiness.
R also asked me if I had another baby in my tummy and then why is it still so big! Hmmphh Thanks for the information darling...Mommy is going to look pregnant for a long long time
And on another unrelated note, look at the coincidence. this is my 100th post!!
Thanks for all of your good wishes and vibes and support all through my miscarriage last year through pregnancy! So on top of the world right now :) Wishing all of you incredible happiness too...
We are home now and everything went smooth and she is just so cute!! I have completely fallen in love with her :)) R is beyond herself with excitement and is reading stories, singing songs, offering toys, kissing her non stop and just being a whirlwind of happiness.
R also asked me if I had another baby in my tummy and then why is it still so big! Hmmphh Thanks for the information darling...Mommy is going to look pregnant for a long long time
And on another unrelated note, look at the coincidence. this is my 100th post!!
Thanks for all of your good wishes and vibes and support all through my miscarriage last year through pregnancy! So on top of the world right now :) Wishing all of you incredible happiness too...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Happy Mother's Day!
What do I remember of my Mother??
When I try to remember my Mother, memories which are a mixture of fragrances, the feel of her sarees, the enormous quantities and variety of delicious food she prepared and force fed, and her constant state of unhappiness comes flooding back. She separated from her husband a few months into their marriage and moved in with her widow mother; she was pregnant with me then. This was in traditional Pune in the seventies. My grandmother was a pillar of strength. I think when one strong woman takes another under her wing, does it make the weaker one more disabled? Over the years my mother remarried to a brilliant engineer against the wishes of his family who wanted their oldest foreign educated academically brilliant son to marry an undivorcee (is there such a word?) from their own community. All through my childhood I remember being told over and over about how the world is a cruel place, how you cannot really trust anyone in this big bad world, how every one is out to take advantage of you, how there are really no true friends in this world, how I had no one in the world but for God, my grandmother and her. Every evening after returning from work, would be a post mortem of the day with Aaji (my mother’s mother) where it seemed like my mother worked with the vilest of people and it was everyone’s goal in life to make her miserable.
All through my childhood my fate was intertwined with hers; reminders of how she has bad luck and me too were abundant. Finally one day I woke up and our relationship transformed from a protective mother-daughter one to a “My daughter doesn’t care for me"one. Every time I tried to negate and separate my life from hers would result in misunderstandings and accusations of “You don’t understand what its like”. Every attempt at trusting people, making friends, keeping an optimistic spirit and believing in myself would be controversial. I fought to break out of this suffocating smothering relationship while at the same time trying not to hurt my mother. She does love me, her love is just binding and tries to limit me. Love should free you, not cage you.
Is my nature at fault too that I remember all the unpleasant things and have conveniently forgotten the happy moments of my childhood? My mother’s saree chest was like a treasure chest to me. She would unfold her carefully wrapped silk sarees, her kanjeevarams, her paithanis, the smell of moth balls and her perfume would waft up through the beautiful sarees. I still remember and miss that – the touch and smell of her and her sarees. I remember her pure happiness when I would visit during school vacations and her struggle to cook different special items of food for me while she tried to run two households (hers and my grandmothers) and make it to work on time. I remember her delight in my new clothes and milestones. What I miss is her open appreciation and moral support for every achievement and every obstacle that I face in life. If she would have had her way, I would be a stay at home commerce graduate married right after graduation to a guy staying in a bungalow in Pune with his parents kinda girl; maybe I might have been happy then too. But I wanted to finish my higher education, stand on my own feet and be in a position where if ever the need arises for me to support myself, I could do it.
Now I have a daughter and I know what not to do. Hopefully I will not repeat the same mistakes that my mother has done, even though I do not blame her for anything. All’s well that ends well!
This Mothers day I would like to urge all of you Moms out there:
1) Be a mother do not smother your child.
2) Sometimes situations arise when you can’t really do anything to solve the problem, then, just be there. Your child will remember that silent support.
3) If your child is falling down and trying to stand up again, do not encourage him/her to give up, extend your hand and help them stand up again even though you might believe that he/she will just fall down right away.
4) Believe in your child
5) Your child’s destiny is his/hers alone; your destiny has nothing to do with it
Things have changed for my mother now; she is in a much happier place. She has a renewed relationship with her husband, she has his support, he dotes on her, their daughter is grown up and married to a great guy, my grandma has passed away, my mother has a group of good friends she plans frequent sightseeing trips with, she is close to retirement, I am married to a good guy, have a daughter and seemingly all is well with my mother’s world. So is a much awaited change in her attitude though I know her old self is lurking somewhere below and will resurface and will arise at the first hint of disruption in her perfect world. She thinks I am a perfect human being, thinks everything I do is right, everything I touch turns to gold, has extreme praise and appreciation for every mundane task I complete, has put me on a pedestal of Ms. Perfection. Too much, too late, Mother but I still do love you anyways. I hope there is never a ripple in your perfectly calm happy life now and the coming years bring more happiness and peace and you can finally put down that huge load of baggage you have been carrying around all these years, all the hurt and the pain that you had to face will be replaced by happy peaceful memories in your golden years. Happy Mothers Day!
When I try to remember my Mother, memories which are a mixture of fragrances, the feel of her sarees, the enormous quantities and variety of delicious food she prepared and force fed, and her constant state of unhappiness comes flooding back. She separated from her husband a few months into their marriage and moved in with her widow mother; she was pregnant with me then. This was in traditional Pune in the seventies. My grandmother was a pillar of strength. I think when one strong woman takes another under her wing, does it make the weaker one more disabled? Over the years my mother remarried to a brilliant engineer against the wishes of his family who wanted their oldest foreign educated academically brilliant son to marry an undivorcee (is there such a word?) from their own community. All through my childhood I remember being told over and over about how the world is a cruel place, how you cannot really trust anyone in this big bad world, how every one is out to take advantage of you, how there are really no true friends in this world, how I had no one in the world but for God, my grandmother and her. Every evening after returning from work, would be a post mortem of the day with Aaji (my mother’s mother) where it seemed like my mother worked with the vilest of people and it was everyone’s goal in life to make her miserable.
All through my childhood my fate was intertwined with hers; reminders of how she has bad luck and me too were abundant. Finally one day I woke up and our relationship transformed from a protective mother-daughter one to a “My daughter doesn’t care for me"one. Every time I tried to negate and separate my life from hers would result in misunderstandings and accusations of “You don’t understand what its like”. Every attempt at trusting people, making friends, keeping an optimistic spirit and believing in myself would be controversial. I fought to break out of this suffocating smothering relationship while at the same time trying not to hurt my mother. She does love me, her love is just binding and tries to limit me. Love should free you, not cage you.
Is my nature at fault too that I remember all the unpleasant things and have conveniently forgotten the happy moments of my childhood? My mother’s saree chest was like a treasure chest to me. She would unfold her carefully wrapped silk sarees, her kanjeevarams, her paithanis, the smell of moth balls and her perfume would waft up through the beautiful sarees. I still remember and miss that – the touch and smell of her and her sarees. I remember her pure happiness when I would visit during school vacations and her struggle to cook different special items of food for me while she tried to run two households (hers and my grandmothers) and make it to work on time. I remember her delight in my new clothes and milestones. What I miss is her open appreciation and moral support for every achievement and every obstacle that I face in life. If she would have had her way, I would be a stay at home commerce graduate married right after graduation to a guy staying in a bungalow in Pune with his parents kinda girl; maybe I might have been happy then too. But I wanted to finish my higher education, stand on my own feet and be in a position where if ever the need arises for me to support myself, I could do it.
Now I have a daughter and I know what not to do. Hopefully I will not repeat the same mistakes that my mother has done, even though I do not blame her for anything. All’s well that ends well!
This Mothers day I would like to urge all of you Moms out there:
1) Be a mother do not smother your child.
2) Sometimes situations arise when you can’t really do anything to solve the problem, then, just be there. Your child will remember that silent support.
3) If your child is falling down and trying to stand up again, do not encourage him/her to give up, extend your hand and help them stand up again even though you might believe that he/she will just fall down right away.
4) Believe in your child
5) Your child’s destiny is his/hers alone; your destiny has nothing to do with it
Things have changed for my mother now; she is in a much happier place. She has a renewed relationship with her husband, she has his support, he dotes on her, their daughter is grown up and married to a great guy, my grandma has passed away, my mother has a group of good friends she plans frequent sightseeing trips with, she is close to retirement, I am married to a good guy, have a daughter and seemingly all is well with my mother’s world. So is a much awaited change in her attitude though I know her old self is lurking somewhere below and will resurface and will arise at the first hint of disruption in her perfect world. She thinks I am a perfect human being, thinks everything I do is right, everything I touch turns to gold, has extreme praise and appreciation for every mundane task I complete, has put me on a pedestal of Ms. Perfection. Too much, too late, Mother but I still do love you anyways. I hope there is never a ripple in your perfectly calm happy life now and the coming years bring more happiness and peace and you can finally put down that huge load of baggage you have been carrying around all these years, all the hurt and the pain that you had to face will be replaced by happy peaceful memories in your golden years. Happy Mothers Day!
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