Friday, April 29, 2016

No, I cant yet stop, I need to keep going....

So P had cold feet at the last minute; the thought of having to pay for insurance through your own pocket; the thought of neither of us having a permanent job. I don't blame him. These are all scary thoughts. So I brushed aside all thoughts of quitting my job and taking a break and instead worked a couple of hours on Sunday to make sure I was on top of things before the work week hit.

Every time I feel like now I have reached the bottom, there is a new low past it. I have stopped counting the lows and hoping it is the last thing. I am giving in now. Going with the flow. Not in a good way, one can only withstand so much.

I had my periods for the first time after my D&C. Blood flowed like a bright red downpour along with huge clots for four long days and nights. Just when I was beginning to think if this was serious enough for a hospital visit, it slowed down and stopped. I rejoiced, but for a day, when my right ear, under the ear, right side of the tongue started aching; I went to the doctor; of course the youngest most inexperienced doctor was on duty on Saturday, he calmly told me that I was going to have Bell's palsy - temporary paralysis of the face in which your face supposedly droops down and stays like that for months. It is supposedly temporary which was supposed to cheer me up. Bell's palsy or you might just have sinus pressure - its like saying you could die or not! I drove home in shock and broke down. I told P how I felt hurt that he had stopped looking for permanent jobs now that he had found his contracting gig. That had killed the last of my hopes of ever being able to listen to my body and slow down.

Decongestants, warm compresses and more tears seemed to cure this "palsy". Again I picked myself up, brushed myself off, told myself this was the last bad thing, now it will be all better. Got a new dentist who told me I had been nursing a root canal for long and admired my high threshold for pain. When your entire body is in different levels of pain and discomfort, you really do not pin point the exact locations of pain. I went to my swimming class and came home and took a shower and then realized my right pinkie was involuntarily trailing towards the other fingers.

From the past couple of weeks, I have felt that my right hand is growing weaker, when I am driving, I brush aside thoughts of whether I will lose strength altogether in my arm and have to stop. In the shower that night, I eerily realized how my fingers hurt, my palm aches, my arm hurts. Its like you stop and focus and those parts of your body start lighting up - singing in unison - I hurt, I ache, I am broken.

I am done. P feels awful that he is not able to give me the one thing that I badly need right now, a break. My parents cannot handle any more of my non stop saga, they have their own health issues, they cannot bear their child being ill. BFF #1 has always been able to compartmentalize people/situations/emotions - that's what makes her an excellent physician - she has stopped being in touch. BFF # 2 has no more energy and patience to provide virtual support. These are all people who have walked alongside me for 30+ years; they have let go now and are fading. My birth mother has finally given me what she thought I need - space; she didn't even call me when she was leaving from the US to go back to India. My birth father - what to expect from a man who never was there, is of course not around. My husband has his own demons to fight and feeds off my despair and is hundred times more distressed when I am down.

My grandma used to say this many many many many times during my childhood. You have no one. Except God and your birth mother. I never believed my birth mother who needed support and coddling all her adult life from her own mother could ever be there for me. So I used to tell myself God will stand by me.

I need to know that you are by me. I am ready for that miracle, please send it my way. I have had enough. I cant go on and I cant stop. 


  1. The miracle shall come by soon. Please take care of your health. Praying for you. Wish I could do more. Hugsss.

    1. Thanks Swaram!! Appreciate it!! Good vibes and prayers are so precious for me, thanks again

  2. hope you feel better. This too shall pass remember.
    One time you were pining for babies now you have them, enjoy them before you know it they will be grown and gone

    1. Yup, so important to count our blessings right. Thanks!