Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Keep going, there is light at the end of the tunnel....

My boss is a 37 year old white female from Alabama, very obese (200+ pounds) and single - not that any of these characteristics have anything to do with each other but I am just capturing them for memory sake. She rolls into work at 9.30 in the morning and pretty much stays till 9.30 at night. Her job is the only thing occupying her life and she seems to not be doing a very good job of it so she is stressed and tries to work longer.

I think very few people can be gracious in pain. I know I have lashed out at everyone while going through my saga. Both my child hood best friends will not speak to me that often now because of my lashing out. I miss them so much but realize this is how it is. Partly because of my reaction and then who has time to put up with some one else's tantrums. Local bff is very sweet, very very patient and always seems to say soothing calming positive things without judging or giving advice. Its a blessing. For the folks who have stuck by my side, my husband's uncle and aunt have stepped in big time as my parents. His aunt treats me as her own daughter and is always providing moral support and optimism that this too shall pass.

So back to people in pain, I have realized that unhappy bitter people really cannot handle other people being happy. My boss rarely gives compliments, is extremely moody, does not acknowledge any work done and is mostly constantly frustrated or dissatisfied. I do not do well with frowning scowling dissatisfied people (lets forget that I have carried around extreme sadness and fatigue on my face for many months now), My boss and I did not ever seem to be on the same page and no matter how hard I worked, I could never keep up with her 12 hour work day expectation and fell short, which she very visibly portrayed to me. I have always been a top performer at work and the stress from this job started getting to me. I tried many different things and finally handed in my resignation.

As I am a constantly "exceeds expectation" employee, my resignation created waves - they were embarrassed to let a high performer walk out the door. For the past week, I have had people lecture me on how handing in my resignation is not a solution and how better leadership behavior would have been to tackle the issue and manage around it etc, others have expressed shock over how we will manage paying for private insurance (as P still does not have a full time job) and how I can deal with the risk of being unemployed, higher ups have asked to be patient and look for other jobs within and to continue with the same role until I can find something new. It goes on and on; I wonder if I make snap judgments and give so much advice to anyone? I think I mostly listen patiently without expressing any strong opinions. Need to remember this in the future!

I am looking forward to my last day at work, I am looking forward to sleeping in, resting, soaking up the peace. My right leg has numbness and tingling go up and down intermittently and it freaks me out in the back of my mind. I am terrified of something horrible happening to me after I quit and we are at the mercy of private insurance. Any huge complicated medical condition will finish us financially. But I push these thoughts aside and tell myself I am a healthy girl, this is all due to stress and once I allow myself time to destress and take care of my self, all these symptoms will fade away,

I am afraid I will never find a good job again, I am even more afraid P will never find a job he loves. I am afraid my health will never improve. P and I are both down on our luck and unable to cheer each other up or be positive. We simply have stopped discussing our fears with each other now. I yearn for a strong figure to stand up and say "Dont worry, everything is going to be okay". His aunt is playing that role and even though I would have loved to have P say those words, I am grateful for her presence and for anyone who will say them to me now.

I have decided to only think positive. Only think good things. Keep my face up to the sun and the darkness will have to certainly slowly fade away. Keep walking until I see the end of the tunnel and I am out in the bright sun light where balance is restored in my life yet again. Until then I will remember to be grateful for the good things that I do have and be optimistic for the good to come. Keep those good vibes coming, we need them.

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