The great Indian hypocrisy

My wedding was a whirlwind one. We decided to get married and P cancelled the planned engagement to get married instead. Everything happened in a blur of two weeks. The first time, my parents, cousin and his wife, visited my in laws's house, was when my mother in law broke down before my mom and sister in law, and cried and cried. Saying that she never wanted P to marry me; that she had pointed out that I had flaws in my teeth, flaws in my eyes, I was adopted, but P insisted on marrying me (Neither am I butt ugly nor is she Aishwairya incarnate but that's another matter!). How she was worried that she was losing her son etc. Both my mom and sister in law were taken aback at this sudden spew of insults and tears, but being the kind of amazing ladies, they are, they took it in their stride and comforted my mil.

Fast forward eighteen years, I am still waiting for that one visit in which everything is peaceful, my mil hasn't taken every opportunity to hurt me and we could peacefully co exist. It hasn't happened once.

She is a bitter unhappy lady. Still complains about her house, her city; that she has lived in forever. Has always desired moving to the US. Complains incessantly about India, all the things about India that are to be criticized - the crowds, the pollution, the lack of infrastructure, the garbage; never once looking at situations with a grateful eye. There is a complete lack of any gratitude or satisfaction in her life. The only people praise worthy in her life are first and foremost herself and secondly her daughter. If there is any time left over, then it is her favorite brother and lastly grudgingly P. All the good things that P might do are all because of her suggestions, of course. Every story is around how she is super smart; all woven in her own fabric of imagination. She has not sustained any relationships - family or friends.

Between the two of them, they have never hosted or supported any of their parents in their old age; only agreeing to help, as per their convenience. P has a maternal aunt - a widow with no children of her own; who his Mom used to call over for every celebration or festival. This aunt is a very kind loving soul who was also very artistic and a splendid cook. She has cooked and cleaned and been the backbone for many a festival meal at my mils'. Of course now that this aunt is in her eighties - deaf, frail and almost blind; my mil absolutely refuses to let her stay over at their place. Using her health as an excuse. It breaks my heart. This lady who has never gone out of her way to help anyone; never been there for any old parent; never done anything unless she had something to benefit, this lady now wants to move in with us, rightfully. Its her son's house and its his duty.

Apart from the stress of how will I deal with this high maintenance pair who never seem to be satisfied with anything, I am struggling more with the injustice of fate. How do these people who have lived so selfishly all their lives have an assured comfortable and cushy old age? How is destiny so unfair? Why does it let people who have brought nothing but joy to others and helped countless others, it lets these people live and die in solitude? And how does it provide for the best things in life to such self centered people?

I cannot seem to get over the unfairness of it all.

P casually said that if it was your parents, I would never have said anything.

That was when I realized the double standards life we lead here in the US. At least our generation i.e., I do think the younger generation is more smarter and clearer in their priorities in life. On the one hand, we pretend to be feminists, we pretend to be equally sharing the work load of home and work, we let our wives study and work as much as us but in the end, we expect her to suck it up and put up with our parents, no matter how much of a pain, they might be. Because that is what a good Indian daughter in law does.

I told P never to even say that so nonchalantly - that he wouldn't even have made a fuss if it was my parents. Because he has never been and never will be in that situation. Lets imagine if the tables were turned for a minute, would he be Mr. Mahatma Gandhi and magnanimously invite his in laws over to move in with us?

My parents have always always treated and held P in the highest respect and love. Always been careful of his feelings, the son in law is treated as a King in Indian households. Everything is catered around him. He is always praised and appreciated. Never inconvenienced and if he is, in the slightest way possible; then they profusely apologize.

My parents also have a high maintenance daughter in law and my Mom has always chosen to look the other way and to ignore her shortcomings. My Mom has pretty much been full time cook, house keeper and baby sitter on every visit and over the years, they have formed their own special bond - my Mom and her daughter in law. They built their relationship over the years to where they have a place of friendship and gratitude now.

Mine has gone the other way - from the minute I stepped into their household, it has been shattering one notion of a happy family after the other. But as they have invested into their goose to lay their golden eggs, it is time for their son to repay his debt to his parents. And me as his wife, should meekly go along.

I am so afraid of how this is going to test our relationship, the effect it will have on my peace and happiness and whether it will turn my daughters's world upside down. But this I know, it is up to me to decide how I will let these people affect my life. It is to me to decide if this is a punishment to bear or a debt to repay. A debt which I did not rack up but which belongs to my husband. I will do my best to shake off this dread, this impending heart attack that I feel upon me - every time my chest hurts after holding in all the unshod tears. I cant die for these people. What will happen to my sweet little girls then? I will shake off this helplessness and fight for my family - my relationship, my peace and our memories. I will not let a jealous bitter person snatch away my joy from me. 

If you didn't post it, did it not happen?

I love Facebook, it connected me with my birth dad and for that I am eternally grateful to that platform. For the joy, the pain, the tears and the closure, it has given me. I no longer wonder about my roots, the genes I have inherited and if he had any regrets not having me in his life. The truth is not always kind but its up to you to absorb the harshness and to look for the lessons learnt, in the journey of obtaining the truth.

So I do love Facebook, I love looking at the status updates of various far flung friends and relatives, applaud them on their achievements, offer condolences on their loss and get tips on hot travel destinations or that restaurant they tried or the wonderful DIY decorations someone made for their kids's parties. I even borrow P's phone some time for a change in scenery :) None of it personally affects me (yet) (I think :)).

Some friends of mine get aggravated and upset by the various social media - forwarded articles, debates and show off posts get to them personally and a few of them have deleted their accounts or exited the groups to avoid this frustration. I also know many of these folks who post every single minute of their life and every minor achievement. I know what goes into getting that perfect picture on a windy frigid afternoon when all her daughter wanted to do was to sled with her cousins, but she had to freeze (literally and figuratively) while her Mom adjusted her hair for the perfect winter day picture with the perfect tagline "Zero degree temperature wont stop us ha ha" etc. It also takes on an even bigger obsession for others, where now I have begun to suspect if they do certain things only to keep their online persona propped up?

And what does that say to the rest of us who do not constantly share every detail of our lives on Facebook? Does that volunteering activity that we did, no longer count because we didn't post it online and it didn't get liked by hundred people with whom I barely exchange a phone call with, ever? Does the fun that I had with my kids when we baked dozens of cookies and ate half of them right away, the cookie batter licking, mess creating, sugar rush giving activity; does that count if I didn't post the yummy pictures online with a profound tagline of my "quality" time with my kids? What is the healthy balance here?

I also write a private blog only for my kids - its shared with family and family friends only. Sometimes my kids will say "Oh mommy, quick, put it on the blog". I hope the day never comes when they think of doing something because it is blog worthy material. All of us are living our own mini reality show series as we capture every event, every activity, every moment and try to showcase it in one media or the other. When we get all stressed out because our phone died and we couldn't take a picture of that magnificent sunset we just viewed.

We ran into acquaintances in Florida, and upon exchanging travel itineraries, the couple panicked for a brief moment when we told them we had just visited Siesta key. They panicked until they remembered they had already been there, a few years back. Peace was restored upon that realization :) They nonchalantly talked about seeing dolphins frolic in the water at another beach and ticked off all the "must do - must see - must eat" items on their list, per popular public opinion sites. Watching wild dolphins in the water is not an everyday thing (for me) and I pray and hope that this wonder of nature, travel and spending time with each other, never ceases for me or my family. Because ultimately at the end of the day, that's what matters, the memories you make, the security and love you feel; these emotions are absorbed into every core of your body making you healthier and stronger for the day that's to come. The happiness that filled my heart as I walked down the beach, hand in hand with P, the girls running ahead of us is enough to sustain me for the next mini obstacle or disappointment to come in our lives. And it doesn't matter that I did not post my joy on Facebook.

So while I do post updates myself and enjoy the updates posted by my friends, look forward to updates from people I have not been in touch with for a long time; love my Facebook people watching, picture surfing; I also have no more patience left with the people who do not make an effort to actually be the person, they portray to be on social media, to also take a minute to acknowledge and thank their support team when they are busy posting personal accomplishments and to stop inconveniencing the rest of their party only for that perfect shot.

So lets all remember to thank our spouses who stepped in and picked up the slack (because slack there will be) when you were out training for that marathon or shining on work assignments and you post that achievement as soon as its complete; acknowledge that friend of yours who took efforts to throw an awesome party that you so enjoyed (and she doesn't take to FB to post minute by minute account of it) and offer thanks to God for the vivid beauty that he created and you enjoy on your expensive vacations around the globe. Lets be more thankful, more humble and more present! And lets always remember that only because someone does not post it, it does not mean they do nothing worth while in their lives.