The great Indian hypocrisy

My wedding was a whirlwind one. We decided to get married and P cancelled the planned engagement to get married instead. Everything happened in a blur of two weeks. The first time, my parents, cousin and his wife, visited my in laws's house, was when my mother in law broke down before my mom and sister in law, and cried and cried. Saying that she never wanted P to marry me; that she had pointed out that I had flaws in my teeth, flaws in my eyes, I was adopted, but P insisted on marrying me (Neither am I butt ugly nor is she Aishwairya incarnate but that's another matter!). How she was worried that she was losing her son etc. Both my mom and sister in law were taken aback at this sudden spew of insults and tears, but being the kind of amazing ladies, they are, they took it in their stride and comforted my mil.

Fast forward eighteen years, I am still waiting for that one visit in which everything is peaceful, my mil hasn't taken every opportunity to hurt me and we could peacefully co exist. It hasn't happened once.

She is a bitter unhappy lady. Still complains about her house, her city; that she has lived in forever. Has always desired moving to the US. Complains incessantly about India, all the things about India that are to be criticized - the crowds, the pollution, the lack of infrastructure, the garbage; never once looking at situations with a grateful eye. There is a complete lack of any gratitude or satisfaction in her life. The only people praise worthy in her life are first and foremost herself and secondly her daughter. If there is any time left over, then it is her favorite brother and lastly grudgingly P. All the good things that P might do are all because of her suggestions, of course. Every story is around how she is super smart; all woven in her own fabric of imagination. She has not sustained any relationships - family or friends.

Between the two of them, they have never hosted or supported any of their parents in their old age; only agreeing to help, as per their convenience. P has a maternal aunt - a widow with no children of her own; who his Mom used to call over for every celebration or festival. This aunt is a very kind loving soul who was also very artistic and a splendid cook. She has cooked and cleaned and been the backbone for many a festival meal at my mils'. Of course now that this aunt is in her eighties - deaf, frail and almost blind; my mil absolutely refuses to let her stay over at their place. Using her health as an excuse. It breaks my heart. This lady who has never gone out of her way to help anyone; never been there for any old parent; never done anything unless she had something to benefit, this lady now wants to move in with us, rightfully. Its her son's house and its his duty.

Apart from the stress of how will I deal with this high maintenance pair who never seem to be satisfied with anything, I am struggling more with the injustice of fate. How do these people who have lived so selfishly all their lives have an assured comfortable and cushy old age? How is destiny so unfair? Why does it let people who have brought nothing but joy to others and helped countless others, it lets these people live and die in solitude? And how does it provide for the best things in life to such self centered people?

I cannot seem to get over the unfairness of it all.

P casually said that if it was your parents, I would never have said anything.

That was when I realized the double standards life we lead here in the US. At least our generation i.e., I do think the younger generation is more smarter and clearer in their priorities in life. On the one hand, we pretend to be feminists, we pretend to be equally sharing the work load of home and work, we let our wives study and work as much as us but in the end, we expect her to suck it up and put up with our parents, no matter how much of a pain, they might be. Because that is what a good Indian daughter in law does.

I told P never to even say that so nonchalantly - that he wouldn't even have made a fuss if it was my parents. Because he has never been and never will be in that situation. Lets imagine if the tables were turned for a minute, would he be Mr. Mahatma Gandhi and magnanimously invite his in laws over to move in with us?

My parents have always always treated and held P in the highest respect and love. Always been careful of his feelings, the son in law is treated as a King in Indian households. Everything is catered around him. He is always praised and appreciated. Never inconvenienced and if he is, in the slightest way possible; then they profusely apologize.

My parents also have a high maintenance daughter in law and my Mom has always chosen to look the other way and to ignore her shortcomings. My Mom has pretty much been full time cook, house keeper and baby sitter on every visit and over the years, they have formed their own special bond - my Mom and her daughter in law. They built their relationship over the years to where they have a place of friendship and gratitude now.

Mine has gone the other way - from the minute I stepped into their household, it has been shattering one notion of a happy family after the other. But as they have invested into their goose to lay their golden eggs, it is time for their son to repay his debt to his parents. And me as his wife, should meekly go along.

I am so afraid of how this is going to test our relationship, the effect it will have on my peace and happiness and whether it will turn my daughters's world upside down. But this I know, it is up to me to decide how I will let these people affect my life. It is to me to decide if this is a punishment to bear or a debt to repay. A debt which I did not rack up but which belongs to my husband. I will do my best to shake off this dread, this impending heart attack that I feel upon me - every time my chest hurts after holding in all the unshod tears. I cant die for these people. What will happen to my sweet little girls then? I will shake off this helplessness and fight for my family - my relationship, my peace and our memories. I will not let a jealous bitter person snatch away my joy from me.