Repetitive cycle

 We are getting our house painted for the first time, since we moved in, thirteen some years ago. As a part of the forced spring cleaning that came with moving furniture and freeing up space for painters to take over, I discovered old notes/reminders I had written down for myself or hard times that I was going through. And then shamefully realized that I literally obsess over the same three things over and over, every decade. Over and over, literally a dog's tail, cannot be straightened out!! 

The three things in no particular order are my frustration over dealing with my in laws, frustration with not achieving the pre pregnancy body again, stress over either me looking for a new role or stress in my current role. I have this notion of myself that I am very cheerful positive smiling, don't sweat the small stuff kinda gal but my deepest darkest thoughts aren't really reflective of it at all. How is it that I am now nearing mid forties and have worked since I was 18, doing my Chartered Accountancy article ship and STILL obsess over career growth and constant dissatisfaction at where I am at in my current spot. I like to think I am always grateful, low maintenance and satisfied with my life and relationships and at the same time am SO hard on myself. I remember when I was moving from a Manager to a Senior Manager promotion and had thought to myself, once I am a Senior Manager, that's it. I will be happy. The SM bliss lasted maybe a year and I have been on my "Gosh, I should be a Director!" for the past few years. What is this incessant need and requirement that I have imposed on myself to show promotional career growth every few years? Movement does not necessarily have to be upwards, it can be in many other directions. Every step towards something new should be growth. I know all this funda but in my heart, I want that bigger and better title. 

In laws has been a slow and painful growth. Its been different kinds of pain at different points of time. Here, with growing up, has also come a little bit of wisdom. People seldom change - I haven't, they haven't. We have both stuck to our lanes, beliefs and mistrust with each other. Nothing has changed and with time and their old age and health issues, they have become even more difficult, if anything. For people that have led majorly selfish lives, not caring for any extended family members or their own parents, not inconveniencing themselves in any way or manner, it seems very unfair to me to cash out on their "right" to move in with their son and daughter in law especially after every 6 month visit over the past decades has just been miserable for all parties concerned. A logical person would say let me stay in India with our multiple maids and social structure and see if our kids can visit us every year. If you are so high maintenance and demand specific food, want to assert yourselves as the main role in your son's lives in your seventies, its not going to go well. In the Netflix series "The Crown", was a wonderful dialogue by the Queen's mother in law. She said that as you enter your sixties and seventies, you shift from being a player to being the audience and if you understand your role, then life is easy and peaceful. The issue with my in laws is that they are not able or willing to actually execute on any task but still insist on being the center of activity and for us to constantly cater to them. And the words, unkind bitter words, which hurt and leave behind a scar more than anything else. My late father would tease me - you are a MBA, use your people management skills to deal with your in laws :) Anyways, what is this continued obsession I have, to keep mulling over every hurtful word said, every difficult incident and not drop it and walk away. Walking away does not mean not fulfilling your husband's duties as a son, yes, they are moving in as soon as the borders open but walking away means being indifferent to their words and actions. It will be immensely difficult to shut out negativity when its in your own house 24/7 but at least its not my husband and kids. I don't know how sad it must be for those women who are not treated well by their husbands. Where will they turn to? I have an overfull life with my job, my children, my husband, my health regime, my friends, my family, my social life, my hobbies.....I can and need to de prioritize any frustration tagged to my in laws and free up that real estate in my stress zones.

Which brings me to the third - my health regime. Over the years, my blood test results are all great. But if you see my weight for my height, I am overweight, close to the Obese border. Now I know weight may not be an accurate indicator. As I claim, I have heavy muscles and that may be contributing to my weight :) Thanks to remote work, I have been able to work out five days a week. But I am impatient and get disheartened at the lack of visual results - I haven't dropped pant sizes or cannot claim Oh, I lost 25 pounds or in general rock shorts/dresses to meet the appropriate image that I have created in my mind of how I should look rocking that particular outfit. Now I do see women all around me cutting out carbs from their diet, eating only once a day, cutting out sugar and I know I don't/can't/shall not diet. Some days I hype myself up and decide to cut something out or try out Intermittent Fasting but then I wake up the next day and am SO miserable and craving for the particular item I have cut out. I have realized I have great joy from preparing delicious items of food and consuming them. I don't eat huge portions of food or unhealthy treats all the time so those easy fruits to pick off are already picked off! My gynecologist declared that I am in peri menopause (it supposedly runs for 8-10 years, Oh woe is me!!!) and my hormones will not only let me lose weight but also try to add more - double whammy :(

I bleed between periods incessantly. I feel like my life has turned into one giant period where I am either spotting, bleeding intermittently or bleeding like a river. Fatigue and emotions accompany this river. As I try to stay positive and keep forging ahead with this hurtle of work, kids, gym, husband, cooking, laundry, throwing parties, cleaning, more cleaning, our dog, our fish........on and on and on. 

I really need to let go of the stress that accompanies the three big stressors that I seem to carry around one year to the next. And as I write this, one truth is glaringly brilliantly staring back at me. HOW BLESSED AM I that these are the only three constant stresses in my life!!!!! For a privileged educated women in a developed country, these are luxury worries to have!!! F it, I am going to say a prayer of gratitude every day to be so blessed and to become the person that I think I am in my mind, portray to others most of the time and aspire to be.