Mommy Guilt And Me

This is a post that I wrote as an entry to the Mommy guilt contest hosted by Women's Web

When I drive to work with my daughter in the backseat, she is grumpy on some days; after effects of watching TV first thing in the morning, while I hurriedly try to pack my lunch, take a shower, pack her school things, get her ready etc. (Yes, I know I could have accomplished this, the previous night, but there is nothing thrilling like a challenge in the morning).

When I drive to work with her slumped in her car seat and we pass the park, she says on some days “Mommy, I want to go to the park”. And my heart breaks…..heart breaks at having to make her sacrifice whims and adhere to routine, she is too young for that, isn’t she? Don’t all of us feel on a beautiful summer day to drive out to a state park and go on a walk/hike/swim or go shopping with friends or go see a movie? Anything but go to work and sit behind a desk?

But then there are also other days when I let her stay at home from school and in a matter of hours, she wanders around the house bored and misses her friends at school and her teachers and her swimming classes and actually asks to go to school. It doesn’t matter if I play with her, in a day or two, in an hour or two, she wants to be surrounded by her friends and have her activities.

I have strongly begun to realize that as women we punish ourselves with guilt. Some of us are also generous enough to pile on some of our guilt on to others – stay at home Moms criticizing work outside the home Moms and vice versa.

Kids don’t need routine, let them be kids, let them be spontaneous and free as the wind.
Kids need routine, it helps them know what to expect and makes them more grounded, lays the foundation for successful maturity and growth.
Kids need their mothers every second of the day, nobody will nurture and love their kids as much as mothers can and will.
Kids need to interact with other kids, adults, caretakers; some of them are specially trained to deal/teach/guide kids.
Let them cry it out and eventually they will learn to sleep through the night by themselves.
Kids are kids only once, why should you make them cry alone into the night, go cuddle up with them and co-sleep.
Potty train on a schedule, wean off bottle/nipple asap.
Let the kid take his/her own course, do not try to go by the book on everything…

You will agree that there are a thousand “for” and “against” on every single decision relating to kids. Every mother has experienced this, be it by way of disagreements with your mother/mother-in-law/husband or your friends might be doing it one way and you prefer something else etc. Each kid is unique and you know your child. If you are a sane, reasonably responsible, non-drug taking, non-alcoholic, non-abusive parent; then you have the absolute right to decide what’s best for your kid. And the rest of the Universe should let you be.

So the next time you are in the park with your kids and watch a Mom drive past with a kid looking out of the window, do not judge that Mom. Do not pity her or do not pity yourself. For all you know, she could be judging you back, pitying you or pitying herself. Let’s forgive ourselves and forgive others. Lets all just celebrate the fact that we are all mothers, we love our children to death and will always always think of the best that we can do for them. And let’s trust the Mom on the other side to have that awesome wisdom which you think you have and believe that she has chosen the best course for her family and herself. Live and let live. Smile and sympathize and learn from each other. Extremes are not healthy in any circumstances, for anyone; let’s all try to reach some middle ground. Live and let live and put down that load of Mommy guilt you carry around. Love your child and be there for them and you have been the best Mother you could ever be.

Trial and Error parenting

R started going to daycare when she was 7 months old. The first time I visited her daycare was when I was 4 months pregnant, I nearly passed out, I think I had an anxiety attack when all the babies looked up at me. I had gone with 2 of my preggy colleagues and while they gushed and cooed over the babies, I had to run out of the building for a breath of fresh air (not just once but a couple of times) :( It literally felt like I was drowning and had to resurface for air :)

Well, fast forward almost a year later, and it was time to drop my precious bundle of joy there. It was an established professional acclaimed daycare, very convenient, sat right on my company campus and promised to be a right fit for my baby. The next two months were painful to both of us. The teachers were two young college going girls who didn’t have the patience nor the maternal warmth of handling babies (and I don’t believe that you need to be older or physically give birth to inculcate the maternal warmth, you either have it or you don’t). R cried her little eyes out everyday I dropped her off, both the heroines wouldn’t attempt to say Good Morning or pick her up and hold her and comfort her while I left. I would have to remind them to do their job. Most of the babies in Stephanie’s (her teacher) care would sit around and cry, runny noses which would never be wiped away and generally miserable. One day I left work early and went to pick her up, R (at seven months old) was strapped in to a small chair and was sitting at a small table, by herself, staring at her hands and cookie pieces which lay scattered around. When I walked up, she looked so tired and refused to look at me as if to convey her frustration and anger. She wouldn’t look in my eyes, she looked away every time I tried to talk to her. It was one of the most heartbreaking moments ever for me! A mere baby shouldn’t be put in such a situation :(

Anyways I held strong to this daycare telling myself that I am too weak, or paranoid or this is what everyone goes through….2 months and many many sick days later came Halloween. R was dressed up a bumble bee and when I went to drop her off, I expected some response from the teachers and there was none. I stood there and literally cried. Some other white kid had just walked in wearing a fire fighter’s costume and Stephanie was busy gushing over him. I think I had done all the right things – tried to forge a bond with the caregivers, tried to sit with R to get her adjusted, tried to adjust my schedule so she could be home for 2 days, told myself that all kids get sick repeatedly and will develop their immunity but this was like the last straw; I stood there with my baby and everything moved in slow motion. It was so clear to me – nobody cares about R here. No wonder its been 2 months and she cries everyday. I should have just listened to my instincts and pulled her out of this place at the first chance.

In 2 days she was out of there, I called a dozen friends, found a highly recommended home daycare for her. She must have cried for 2 minutes on the first day and since has gotten tremendously attached to her teacher there. Somedays I think she almost must love her as much as she loves me. But I am fine with it, no insecurities there. I am just glad R spends her days with people who adore her and it shows. So lesson #1 – pay attention to your kid, no matter what age he/she is, they will tell you if they are happy or not.

That brings to my current dilemma. Due to change of management at the home daycare and her favorite nanny leaving etc, we had to switch her to a commercial daycare. I really like the teachers here a lot, but the kid to teacher ratio being 1:8 means that they don’t really have the time to devote individual attention all the time. They still do a pretty good job of it though. They have many activities and teach kids through structured play. They have a nice playground and as the weather improves, it will be nice for R to run around with kids her age. So it seems like a good place to me. But Ms R cries and cries, she really gets visibly upset at the thought of going to daycare and now that she can talk up a storm – its even more emotionally blackmailing things said to me on the way like “R cries all day, I meech (miss) you Mommy, I no like daycare, Please I be good girl, I no want to go” :( I have again adjusted my work schedule so I can leave at three to pick her up earlier. But I am so tired of this….I don’t know what to do anymore. Is it just a 2 year old whining and complaining and wants to be the center of attraction all the time and is slowly getting to used to a different environment and schedule or is she genuinely unhappy and needs a quieter setting and more one on one attention. Sigh….should I give up and get an in house nanny or suck it up and put on a strong front and keep sending her to the daycare till she adjusts. What is the right thing to do?