Stress buster

I am in serious need of a stressbuster......taking stock of all the zillion stupid things which worry me seems to help me and as this is my blog and not a person, I can freely abuse it in any way I want to, by venting time and again, so here is my list:

1) I am fat. I am officially fat and overweight. Watching videos of a recent visit to a farm, I was surprised to see a baby elephant waddling among the farm animals. Surprise turned to shock as I also realised it was me :(( My butt and my tummy are almost the same size. I feel as if I am in someone else's body and need to step out. Watching videos of myself constantly amazes me, as in my mind, I am still the girl with the 110 pound fit body.

2) I have insomnia. I lie awake for hours at night. Every small thing sets me off - P's snoring, if it is a hot day, hunger......I eat many snacks all through the night hoping it will put me back to sleep. But I still lie awake....Thats why I am fatter, and it is frustrating as hell to lie awake at night. I am grateful to be working, I swear if I were unemployed, I would drop R, come back home and head straight to bed....which brings me to....

3) I will not have a job next year. I will be officially unemployed. I do not have the discipline or the desire to stay at home. If I take a break and stay home, I know I will put myself up to all these insane expectations from myself and drive myself and P crazy. I do think its easier to go to work for me and to cut myself slack. Its okay if R ate macaroni and cheese twice in a row, the important thing is I spent all evening playing with her etc...My current boss is already telling me about all these internal opportunities which I should be interviewing for....

4) Which brings me to my resume.....I dont have time to update my resume...Should I focus on meeting current deadlines, leave on time to spend time with my visiting father and of course my baby girl or should I leave everything aside and get working on that resume and interview. I know for sure, if this was me in a different personal situation, I would be on the phone talking to hazaar people for a job. But even though the prospect of being unemployed terrifies me, I yearn for the peace and low pressure right now, for the next few months. I just want to focus on my current deadlines, not take on anything new, not have anyone expect anything from me, not have Sonia expect from Sonia and chill and take it easy.....

5) I had thought being told that your position is eliminated means a paid vacation till your last day. But nothing has changed! I still have the same work pressure, same deadlines, same accountability and responsibility. But with the resentment, I am low on patience towards idiotic co workers and feel unjustly punished for not having a job next year while these morons will continue to be employed. I have all these things I need to do around the house but no time....And do I really want all that time.

6) I want to have it all - I look back and realise I was so super lucky with R. As soon as I came back from maternity leave I rotated to a flex time job internally, working only 24 hours a week. It was awesome! I had all this time with my baby, I was also working and in touch with my field, I had a very understanding boss......I miss it now....I want to have it all - a job, flexible hours, time with my kids.....sigh....

Well, its not bad, I know what I need to do....it always always helps to prioritise things in your mind, I have a horrible work week coming up but I will find time and refresh my resume, apply for that internal job, will leave a bit early today so I can come home and spend that last evening with Dad, will leave on time everyday so I can pick up R on time before she burns out in daycare. I will get a dabba from someone so I have my evenings free to work out a little bit and spend time with R and P. And about this insomnia, there are always blog posts to write and read :)) The internet is a wonderful companion at lonely hours :) Aww I rock, I am my best cheerleader...Now off I go to the fridge to feed myself shamelessly and try to sleep for the next hour or two before its time to get up and go go go....