Relationships

Sometimes I really do feel like an orphan. My idiot sister mentioned to my half sister that our mother had delayed her US trip (to accomodate my delivery schedule) so the news travelled to my birth mom who called up my mother (her sister) to ask why. I am still waiting for my ultrasound - end of first trimester to announce my pregnancy. I want to say it happily, without any doubts - I am pregnant!

Anyways my mother told my birth mom that she also didnt know until a few days earlier and that also because she had to book her tickets blah blah, when in fact she knew about my pregnancy from the first week I found out. Why would you lie? Why do you feel guilty admitting that your daughter confides in you? Everytime my mother tries to justify or hide the fact how close she and I are, every time I feel alienated. I am reminded that even though she is my mother on paper and for all other purposes, she never rightfully claims the right to be called my mother. Why? It hurts me to no end.

Yes, my birth mother gave birth to me in exceedingly painful circumstances; she was getting divorced and what not. But what is my fault in it? I thank God everyday that my father persuaded my Grandmother to let me go stay with them. I seriously doubt my mental well being and progress in life if I would have stayed on with them. If I have never ever in all these years, and I am a good 33 years old now, ever confided or shared my happiest moments or bluest episodes with my birth mom; why the sudden expectation now? Just because everything has worked out for everyone and right now, right now she is happy and at peace too. Just because of that, I am expected to share this wonderful mother-daughter bond with her? Just because she delivered me, just because I came through her body? Just because she cried over me and lamented and predicted that I was going to have the same bad luck as she had and Oh, how much tension she had in life because she was busy worrying about me and who would marry me, the daughter of a divorcee?

My mother who is torn between her loyalty to her sister and her loyalty towards her daughter (I hope she has some of it) is defending her sister. Sister wins. If this is going to continue, I disown my mother too then. If you so generously and thoughtlessly can offer the daughter you raised to your sister, then I can also force my heart to stop caring. I dont want anyone, I am fine without a mother..