Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Sometimes I really do feel like an orphan. My idiot sister mentioned to my half sister that our mother had delayed her US trip (to accomodate my delivery schedule) so the news travelled to my birth mom who called up my mother (her sister) to ask why. I am still waiting for my ultrasound - end of first trimester to announce my pregnancy. I want to say it happily, without any doubts - I am pregnant!

Anyways my mother told my birth mom that she also didnt know until a few days earlier and that also because she had to book her tickets blah blah, when in fact she knew about my pregnancy from the first week I found out. Why would you lie? Why do you feel guilty admitting that your daughter confides in you? Everytime my mother tries to justify or hide the fact how close she and I are, every time I feel alienated. I am reminded that even though she is my mother on paper and for all other purposes, she never rightfully claims the right to be called my mother. Why? It hurts me to no end.

Yes, my birth mother gave birth to me in exceedingly painful circumstances; she was getting divorced and what not. But what is my fault in it? I thank God everyday that my father persuaded my Grandmother to let me go stay with them. I seriously doubt my mental well being and progress in life if I would have stayed on with them. If I have never ever in all these years, and I am a good 33 years old now, ever confided or shared my happiest moments or bluest episodes with my birth mom; why the sudden expectation now? Just because everything has worked out for everyone and right now, right now she is happy and at peace too. Just because of that, I am expected to share this wonderful mother-daughter bond with her? Just because she delivered me, just because I came through her body? Just because she cried over me and lamented and predicted that I was going to have the same bad luck as she had and Oh, how much tension she had in life because she was busy worrying about me and who would marry me, the daughter of a divorcee?

My mother who is torn between her loyalty to her sister and her loyalty towards her daughter (I hope she has some of it) is defending her sister. Sister wins. If this is going to continue, I disown my mother too then. If you so generously and thoughtlessly can offer the daughter you raised to your sister, then I can also force my heart to stop caring. I dont want anyone, I am fine without a mother..


  1. hugs Sonia, many many hugs. This is all too complicated...I don't know what else to say...so hugs to you!

  2. Thanks dear :) I am all better now :) Looking at the positive side, I have two Moms who love me..

  3. Why dont you tell your mom how you feel. At the end of the day consider your self lucky you have two moms and even luckier that they are sisters (imagine if they were strangers)that love you.
    Just my 2 cents...Be Happy

  4. I think its not abt u at all silly! you know how we are nicer to outsiders, care more abt their feelings than the ones that truly belong to us coz we think the ones that are truly ours don't need any re-assurance and would understand.
    Who do you think is the outsider here- your birth mom, she is given the soft treatment that is reserved for ..well outsiders. No? Thats how it looks like to me.
    May be I'd do the same. Just reassurance- 'No No, she loves you equally'...it won't be abt hurting you, but abt not hurting someone else, Just a harmless white lie...
    anyways good to know things are progressing well.

  5. Aww g, I never thought about it that way! You are right, my mom is secure in my love towards her so she is trying to make sure I am nice to my birth mom. Thanks sweetie, you are so wise..