Seriously I need to learn how to sustain depression and self pity. I cant seem to go beyond a day, somehow I find my way back to smiling!
Have you ever seen a dog take a bath? He shakes shakes shakes his hair out as if to make sure every drop of water has left his body. I did a mental shake shake for myself yesterday to shake out all the self pity and sadness. Plus it also helped to have P come back home and tell me how I make his life complete and all romantic things which he says only once every thousand years. Its like the "Who wants to be a millionaire game"; I have only so many lifelines and so many occasions on which he will be super romantic with words :) My strong and silent loving husband!
Plus it helped to have friends who sternly scolded me over how I could possibly think it would have been better to not have been born at all and have I forgotten my incredible family who loves me, friends who think of me as family and so on...Thank god for friends who say the things which are right for you and not just the right things..
And venting out in the virtual world helps too - I need to pay myself for my blog - save so much money on therapy definitely!
Plus doing fun things with unsuspecting babies like not brushing baby S's hair after bath with the result that she has the cutest Mohawk right now! God, I have beautiful babies!!
Well all in all, I am back to normal now. I did write an email asking hard questions to my birth father. I am fair that way, if my side of the family is sleepless and worrying, I want to make sure yours is too. I feel like I am having an affair with a married man. His wife knows or doesnt, his kids dont know, wonder when he will tell them etc...its one thing to say "You are my daughter and I love you so much" in the safety of your own home over emails and another to step out of the virtual world and actually say it aloud to family and friends. I will not continue to hurt my family if I dont really have a committed relationship from his end.
And finally I cannot cannot allow this to distract me from my priorities in life. I was snapping at R for no reason and thats not allowed. So refocus on my babies, my husband, my job search, my exercise and let other things take a back seat...
In other news, I am going to run the half marathon again this year! Hopefully my dreams and reality will collide and I will be running past the finish line come August..
Thanks for all of you who thought of me and said a prayer, commented, emailed and called. I am truly blessed!