Rewind

I don't know at what point a miscarriage takes place but I have experienced the end - when the ultrasound technician says to you "Sorry no heart beat" and you feel like your heart might cease beating too. When the doctor examines you and the blood flows and doesn't stop and the doctor says "Sorry the baby is gone". Or when you return home and feel empty inside. I don't know but I wish my mother would have experienced this 34 years ago. I wish I could rewind the past and be in the womb and pray to god, take me away now, let me not live.

My mother wouldn't be a divorcee with a child, she would merely be a divorcee. My brother might have gone to stay with our parents, they could have been their own nuclear family. My mother wouldn't be reminded of her divorce everytime she saw me. Maybe she might have moved on easier. My birth father wouldn't have felt guilty of this fault - not inquiring of his own flesh and blood and would be more at peace and pleased with himself and his achievements today.

My husband could have married someone better than me. Someone with straight hair and slight figure, someone who would be a bigger person and accomodate his parents. My in laws would be happy today living in the US with their son and his family.

Is there really any purpose to my life? Is it the result of some evil things that I did in my past life/lives that I was deemed to be born and be a third wheel and disrupt the happiness of so many? Do I even deserve to be a mother or will my daughters also be better off with someone else?

But I cant take a chance so live I must, and even though I am weary of carrying this load of obligation; obligations dumped on by me by everyone since birth, I have to pick myself up and carry on. For I cannot repeat the same mistakes others have done. I have given birth to my two beautiful babies and now I have to stand strong for their sake.

In my next life though, Good Lord, please take me from the womb if I am not wanted, it will just be so much easier on everyone.