Our little princess is here !!!

She came a whole 20 days early and chose her own special birthdate 10-10-10 :))

We are home now and everything went smooth and she is just so cute!! I have completely fallen in love with her :)) R is beyond herself with excitement and is reading stories, singing songs, offering toys, kissing her non stop and just being a whirlwind of happiness.

R also asked me if I had another baby in my tummy and then why is it still so big! Hmmphh Thanks for the information darling...Mommy is going to look pregnant for a long long time

And on another unrelated note, look at the coincidence. this is my 100th post!!

Thanks for all of your good wishes and vibes and support all through my miscarriage last year through pregnancy! So on top of the world right now :) Wishing all of you incredible happiness too...

Updates and updates

In this series, my boss finally left on vacation today and all the urgent deadlines have dissolved. I breathed a sigh of relief and was looking forward to relaxing. Went to my doctor's who said the baby is in launch position, I am already four cms dilated which means the baby is due any day now!! So suddenly I am all flustered again, thinking about what needs to be done etc - work and on the baby front....

So doing what calms me the most, taking stock of what needs to be done and then doing it :) List literally starts with - 1) Finalise baby name :( I am terrified of visions of holding the baby in my arms and not having a name for her yet...

Thats all for now....Will give you good news soon....

We are having a girl!!!

Yesterday I crashed on the sofa after work...I thought I would feel better after eating dinner but nearly passed out in the bathroom so as I sat sobbing on the bed - thoroughly annoyed by my exhaustion, I pleaded with P to get the envelope with the baby's gender written in it. Flashback - we had decided to not find out the gender of the baby and keep it a surprise. Then at the last minute, I lost my resolve and asked the ultrasound technician to write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. P knows how bad I am with keeping secrets so he had hidden it away somewhere safely...

So back to story - I just wanted one less thing unknown about the future so P got the envelope, we asked R to read the note. Poor girl told us sincerely "But Mommy, I cant read". We said Its okay, just read the alphabets one at a time. She started with G.......and the rest is history. We are gonna have two girls (R and the baby, not twins)!!!

P was completely fine while I actually sat there and for a moment felt like I had failed something. I am still so embarassed and shocked at myself; its so unreal. Why would I ever even think like that? But anyways his mother, my birth mom, his aunts were all counting on a boy and I knew they would all be disappointed when we give them the news. Then I panicked and thought if I could be able to love another girl as much as I loved R. After all illogical thoughts and worries zoomed by, I relaxed and I am actually much much calmer now.

I feel like I can do this. This seems like a familiar road. We are already set on all the clothes and other accessories. Granted this baby will be a unique individual, I feel like we can definitely leverage our lessons learnt from R. I have already started dreaming about redecorating R's room, buying doll houses and such. The sisters growing up, maybe hating each other but then becoming best friends as they grow older. I have a brother and a sister and while I cannot say who I would pick if I had the choice to have only one sibling, I still feel that girls who dont have sisters yearn for one all their life.

So thats it - its another baby girl :)))

Oh and my birth mom did say to me that she was hoping for a boy so the picture would be complete and we would have a model family - Oh sigh....my family is picture perfect anyways with a wonderful husband and two healthy girls - what more could I want? :)

More cribbing...

I have cried every single evening this week...I am perpetually depressed and stressed. I am being mean to everyone who is close to me and offer helpful suggestions and advice and polite for no reason to outsiders who dont really care and are idiots. Have you ever noticed how u can sometimes tend to vent your anger on your close family and friends while you reserve the politest of smiles and diplomatic of answers for the rest of the world? Why dont we focus on the people that matter and be equally patient with them? My Dad used to keep saying to me - You have a MBA degree, why dont you use the same principles of managing difficult people interactions which you so successfully apply at work, at home - with my in laws. But I could never do it; while I stay calm through storms at work, the slightest ripple at home would break me. I guess because nothing at work is personal (atleast thats what I tell myself) while the minute you step into the house, everything is (which I should pretend isnt).

I have gestational diabetes now - hooray - and while my readings were so normal when I had taken a week off and chilled out at my brothers with my Mom cooking snacks and meals for me, they are consistently out of range and higher ever since I have been back home :( I dread pain, I have gone through a lot of it between this pregnancy and the last miscarriage and I dont want to take more. I am scared of having to take insulin injections and I am stressed to keep the sugar levels under control - its not like I am gorging on cakes and pastries, even not eating the right amount, the right stuff at the right time throws the levels out of whack :( Like eating snacks in the middle of the night, which I have done today and I dont care. What else should I do? A pregnant woman in her seventh month tossing and turning - starving? So yes, all the well meaning advice from family/friends of - get food cooked from outside - doesnt help. I got home cooked meals from this punjabi lady and hungrily wolfed down lauki kofta curry and rotis and was going to pass out seeing my reading later that night :( Everytime I see a high reading, I can only picture the injection in my mind.

I am so super swamped at work - I know thats one of my main reasons of BS stress. How how how am I so swamped when my position is going to be terminated end of the year? I am yearning for August to go away, my deadlines to disappear and hopefully a peaceful and quiet September and October to rest and get ready for the next big chapter in my life - being a parent to two kids :)

I keep losing it on P bechara, I think he must be fantasizing about packing a bag and running far far away. We had a detailed ultrasound done (Having gestational diabetes automatically makes it a high risk pregnancy and needs more monitoring) and even though we had told the technician/doctor not to reveal the sex of the baby, she slipped at one point and said "Her" so its most probably a girl. Yesterday he mentioned tiredly that - all of you women are driving me crazy. Poor guy! For his sake, I wanted a boy. Not that the boy wouldnt drive him crazy but atleast it wouldnt be one more in his harem. His mother and sister (though not so much lately) also contribute heavily to leaning on P for everything. Internet doesnt work in India, his mother calls him every single night crying as if its the end of the world. No thought to what must be happening on this side of the line. I would like to think I dont add to his burden but nowadays I am 99% of pregnant-over worked-diabetic wife is driving me crazy- load.

You know what would make all of this go away - if I quit, walk out and say "Thats it, no more, you guys figure out what to do with my pending responsibilities". But I dont have the courage or the desire to do it. I cannot let go of my career, no matter how many times I remind myself and read all those chain letter emails on how when you are ready to die, your family/friends will count and not your co workers etc, I cannot not care about my career. I have worked hard to get where I am and I cannot let go easily. Thats another of my deep buried subconscious stress causant, which I am consciously trying not to acknowledge - the looming pressure of having to find a new job next year.

We were all set to go camping this weekend but I cant do it - half of me is so very enthusiastic to still pull it together and go and the other practical half says "Slow down, get the rest of your things in order". There is a horse riding stable onsite there and R who absolutely loves horses is looking forward to riding a pony. Its a nice camping area, an hour or so away from our place so the driving is not bad and I was looking forward to the last camping trip I would have this year. Plus good company and being outside in the nature....I do want to go. Sigh. Now if I could get a fairy godmother to come help us pack, prepare and pack my diabetic snacks and meals, give me a massage for my aching legs and back, get some work tasks out of the way so next week wont crash on me as soon as I walk in Monday morning, I am all ready to sit back, relax and read a book and enjoy camping...

So what should I do? The next best thing??
I am going to plead with my maternal fetal specialists to give me one more week to get my readings in order.
I am going to ask P to cut up veggies etc so I can cook simple stir fries on Sunday so healthy dinners will be ready for next week.
I am going to get my ass into bed right now and sleep and wake up late.
I will take my laptop over to the campsite so I can get work things out of the way or leave early on Sunday and get it done before Monday...
I am not going to aspire to that image of being a perfect Mom with a beautifully decorated home and frames and pictures put up - R painted such a beautiful picture at school and I was so intent on framing it and hanging it in her room, now its lost somewhere beneath the unending piles of mail. I will not feel guilty about it. First things first...
I will ask for help at work - whats the point in trying to be a super hero and going above and beyond. I need to go above and beyond for myself - by taking care of my health first and then my family.

So prioritize prioritize prioritize - health - physical and mental, smiling family, work :)

Pre partum depression

I wonder if there is anything as pre partum depression like post partum depression. I was crying my eyes out yesterday too over the whole diet karo-maintain weight-diabetes (my glucose levels are borderline right now and are very much indicative of gestational diabetes when I get tested for it); my parents spent time cheering me up. And today its the same story. I want to run away somewhere and chill. I am so tired of this BS.

I had a busy day at work today, came home, made rotis, subzi, salad, cut mangoes. R threw multiple tantrums all evening. Nowadays she is perfecting the art of opening her mouth the widest she can, and screaming with all her might. I am sure she is imitating someone from her daycare and whatever it is, its not funny. Especially nowadays I literally feel like slapping her.

When I was in the kitchen, P and she were outside, he mowing the lawn, she traipsing about the yard. So I thought she must have had fun. After cooking I walked on the damn treadmill - fast walking for 24 minutes. Then sat down for dinner and another of R's tantrums - stupid coughing and saying everything is spicy. She barely ate one roti when I gave up, turned Dora on the TV for her and let her be.

P had to rush out for some stupid property work. He has an Uncle who is a bachelor and has a sole hobby/obsession in life to buy and rent properties. We have also rented out our old home and its not easy, when a renter leaves, P turns sulky and tense until we get another renter. Dishwasher change karo, so research for it, visit the store hundreds of times, look for deals, call for installation, stupid waste of time. Especially when I would rather have him at home eating dinner with me.

I no longer have any friends that I can call at any time of the day or night to talk. I dont know how I got to this juncture. There was a time when I could call either of my best friends and they would be available to listen, comfort, soothe. Now one best friend hardly has any time for me - she has her own issues to deal with and the other is swamped too. Everyone is so busy, engulfed in their own families and stress. I wait for morning to set in India and to call the two people who are never busy for me, my parents.

Finally at the end of the day, as I always used to preach and judge other unhappy people, happiness is within you and I shouldnt be looking at others to make me happy. I need to shake off my blues and be happy and peaceful. After all you come into this world alone and will go from it alone.

Happy days

I had my end of first trimester ultrasound yesterday. Everything is just fine. The ultrasound technician was so sweet, she took the time to explain everything she was looking at and kept up the reassuring comments..The staff at my doctor's office all shared in my happiness on learning about the normal ultrasound. I wanted to reach in and hug my cutie baby - he/she was dancing all around and the tech had to keep up with him/her. I am already eagerly waiting to hold my baby in my arms and kiss her/him over and over and over....

We told R yesterday, she was thrilled! She kept hugging my tummy and wanting to feel the baby. She insists that we have a baby girl because she wants a sister. Now she is announcing to all and sundry that my Mommy has my baby sister in her tummy. Life feels so peaceful and happy - I want to hold on to this moment forever.

I called my birth mom to give her the news, even though she already knew. She was very happy for me. I realised at that time how rare it is to have people who are genuinely interested in your well being and are happy in your happiness. If we stop to think and count the people who love you unconditionally, how many would we get? I am so blessed to have my handful of family and friends who stand by me through thick and thin, even though some people might be more adept at handling the tougher situations in life than others.

My gyne also told me I am overweight and should go on a diet :( Isnt pregnancy the time when you can morph into a huge elephant and people will still go "Aww you glow". I am 5 feet four and weigh 150 pounds :( I used to be 118 pounds once upon a time...Sigh....now I am looking at dieticians who will help me plan my meals and most importantly my snacks...

Reason # 221 to have kids and other...

Today morning I was singing Pardesi girl (from Dostana).....
Me: Whos the hottest girl in the world?
R: Pausing to brush her teeth to yell - its you Mommy!
Hehe.....where would you have such an adoring fan club? (Husbands dont count as they are unreliable in that department, atleast mine is, with the compliments ie)

Well in other news, I had my first ultrasound appointment yesterday. The doctor's office has a new ultrasound machine so P and I were taken aback at the clear image of the little baby waving his/her arms and legs and dancing almost. I was in tears the whole time as the technician kept reassuring me that everything looked fine, measurements were fine etc.

Now next ultrasound/blood test in in the last week of April which will also signify end of first trimester. Once I get the results of those tests, I will announce to the whole wide world (this is a first for me having kept my mouth shut so long) that I am pregnant! More than the whole wide world, I cannot wait to tell R. P is terrified and wants to make sure we pick the right moment when she is feeling happy and generous because that conversation could go either way. She could be a terrific older sister, doting and adoring and all that or just a devilish monster, hating to share her Mommy with someone else.. When I had asked her hypothetically if Mommy and Daddy can get another baby home? She had choked back tears and said "Noooooooo, I am only Mommy Daddy's baby".

I am sure my birth mom's first question will be "Is everything okay this time around? Are you sure? Is the baby's development okay? Are you sure? Does the doctor have any doubts?..". That woman can never ever focus on the positives and you can count on her to create panic and anxiety in every situation when you would rather stand strong.

My parents of course know, they are my rock, my anchor! Thank God for second chances and giving me the most awesomest parents ever....I am what I am and do what I do, all because of them...

Luck..

I dont know if its luck or careful planning followed by focus on execution to make sure their goal is attained or its just that the Universe is always on their side to make sure things work out exactly per plan......let me explain..

Many years ago, when all of us siblings were in India, my brother charted his life over ten years, with milestone events - admission into the prestigious engineering school, admission into PhD program overseas, new job, when he would get married, when he would have his first baby etc....and amazingly everything has turned out exactly as per his plan. And I am very happy for him, nazar na lagey...

His wife also must come from the same planet in terms of plans working out perfectly for her or maybe my brother's luck is so strong that she is swept into it, they are still making plans and are able to stick to them. Vacations without kids, longer India vacations between transitions from one job to the other, building their perfect home, you name it...

They had a baby girl last year and my sister in law declared that she didnt want to expose her baby to a daycare until she turned one atleast. Thats a noble intention which many women have. But she wasnt planning on any personal or professional sacrifices to make this happen. She was counting on her Mom and my mom (her MIL) to stay and look after her baby for 6 months at a time. My Mom's shift is due this June. I got pregnant last year and their well laid plans were shaken up, I would have delivered in June. My mom naturally would shift her priorities to me. But see everything worked out, I ended up losing the baby, my mother is on to report for Grandmother duty in June. All is well. I am not saying they didnt feel bad for me, their hearts were as broken as mine but I am just saying "Look at how everything works out for them, one way or the other".

Now my sister in law has planned to go to India with her kids and my Mom for company (an extra extremely helpful valuable hand with the baby on the plane) in November. My brother will follow her and they were all planning to have a good time in India etc. Now I am due to deliver in November....

Just once, just once, I am begging this Universe to side with me. I dont grudge you the tension caused by my in laws, I dont grudge you the lost baby, the lost months, I dont grudge you the tears and the pain both pregnancies bring, I dont grudge anything......Please just let me hold my beautiful happy healthy baby in November.....Pretty please.....

Trying to keep smiling....

For 2 weeks after I had found I was pregnant, I realised that I could no longer multi task ie listen to music while work etc. Today I can, I am listening to Pandora's box (which I LOVE btw; you need to try it, you can put in your favorite singer/song/movie and it customizes a playing list for you!!)..Anyways as I listen to music and work, I suddenly freaked out - OMG my baby is no longer there, thats why I am back to normal :((

My legs hurt, I freak out suddenly thinking - Am I going to start bleeding and lose my baby!

My lower back hurts, inspite of myself, I have that melt down moment when I cry and think - Oh man, lower back pain is a sign of low progesterone, my progesterone must have plunged, I am going to lose my baby!

This time around though, I know what happens in a miscarriage and have lived through it already and do not want to face it again. So the urge to mentally shield myself from that pain makes me think optimistic.....

Deep breaths S, you wont lose your baby, your baby is fine, its thriving, progesterone will be tackled, it doesnt mean anything is wrong with your baby, tomorrow when you get blood test results back, you will see, HCG will have gone up, progesterone will have improved, you will hold your cute baby in your arms in November. For now, do not freak out, stay strong, stand strong.....Easy peasy giving advice to oneself, now to go ahead and follow it.....Pray for me, will you?

Here we go again....

or rather I hope not...

Friday blood tests show a drop in progesterone so I need to start on the gel supplements right away. If they dont work, the dreaded shots will be back. The silver lining this time around is that the baby hormone is going strong, atleast I owe it to my baby to stay positive and strong and get through whatever comes my way.

Please God, I am begging you, please let the supplements work. I dont want to have to take the shots, they just made me feel awful with dizziness and fatigue and what not. Please God, let my baby stay healthy and strong. Please God, let me hold my healthy baby in November. Why do simple things have to be so hard!

Aal izz well

Blood test results came back normal!! As I was high risk, the doctor wants to repeat tests twice a week to monitor trends but atleast for now, the first blood test is good :) Baby is doing fine, progesterone levels are fine.....yaay.....

I am on the lookout for deserted floors bathrooms now, then also there is the odd person who rushes in so I wait till they leave. Yuck! But I am SO grateful for this nausea, this sickening feeling all day which reassures me of my progesterone levels. I dont mind puking my way through the first trimester but I dont really want to have anything to do with the shots and the tension and monitoring blood work.....Last pregnancy and delivery then I am done!!

Fear

I got a doctor's appointment for next Monday, my birthday! Of course I wouldnt know the test results right away but have to wait till Tuesday then.

P has asked me to be numb to the realisation of being pregnant. Neither rejoice nor get freaked out. Just stay neutral and not react to anything. Neither dream of the future nor discuss anything baby related. Neither tell anyone nor think about it.

Its so difficult and like today when I burst out crying in the middle of the day for no reason, alone in my cube, I sat for fifteen minutes tears streaming down my cheeks. I finally told one of my closest friends at work. I cant hide sorrow inside my heart. I have to share it to reduce it. Or it multiplies until it suffocates me.

I want to be sick with nausea, I want to have all the normal symptoms of pregnancy that other women have. I just want to have a normal pregnancy.

R would be such a wonderful older sister and she is absolutely ready to have a sibling. Please God, please help me.

:) Blogging sure is my mufta ka pscyciatrist :) I feel so much better already. Let me be grateful for the one kid I already have and for my wonderful husband and not cry over something that might not happen. I might just have normal levels and might have a normal pregnancy and might have a sweet baby by the end of this year in my arms. Be positive S...

Courage

I am paranoid about this pregnancy. Exactly like last time, my tummy and back are hurting, the only symptoms of pregnancy that I have are achy boobs and a slight nausea and tiredness. Achy boobs come and go freaking me out even more. Every morning I wake up and look for the achy boobs or the nausea, the normal symptoms of pregnancy and they reassure me. Sometimes when its just the achy tummy and the back, I get so scared its going to be a repeat telecast of last times. I wonder if your hormones just up and quit as you get older? I had read that lower backache is a sign of low progesterone levels but if an ignorant person like me turns to the internet for answers, there are a hundred symptoms and a hundred causes and you kinda choose your worst fears from them.

I am so very worried about the blood test. I am scared of hearing the same verdict - low HCG, low progesterone. I am scared of the painful progesterone shots. I am scared of having another miscarriage. I am scared my body is never going to create the requisite hormones level ever and every pregnancy attempt will be difficult. I am scared P is going to say "We dont need another kid". I am so tired.

I am going to call my gyne on Monday and just tell her FYI..If she wants me to go in immediately for a blood test, then doodh ka doodh aur paani ka paani ho hi jaayega. If she suggests to wait a few more weeks to see what nature has planned for me, I just have to clear my mind and focus on other things. In any case I need to put my hand on my heart and say "Aal izz well".

Pray for me

So after a week of my boobs hurting and random nausea waves over random things like R pouring her half finished milk into my cereal bowl or shoving her toothbrush into my hands to finish brushing or wanting me to admire her poo poo (I made 5 and they are all brown in color) yucck!, I finally decided to go buy a pregnancy test and find out for myself. My date of periods missed hasnt come and gone yet so I bought one of those 5 days early pregnancy detection kits and Yess!!! I saw the 2 lines!! I AM PREGNANT!! I called P immediately and he was thrilled - he kept saying "Are you sure?".

After the initial euphoria has died down, the fear came back. What if my blood tests dont show appropriate levels again? What if I have another miscarriage? What if I have to take those progesterone shots again? Good God, they were just horrible!! What if I bleed again? But I have decided to not to be worried, to take each thing as it comes, to stay calm and cool. I had one normal pregnancy and I will definitely have another.

I had taken the longest time to get pregnant with R. Finally I had freaked out and thought we were infertile, never would have a baby etc. Almost ready to embark on a fertility treatment, we conceived naturally. She is a blessing!

I have the utmost admiration, respect and sympathy for all of those who are battling infertility :( My sister being one of them. She has shut off communication with the whole family, refuses to share what she is going through because she cant talk about it, never ever calls us (but she does talk really well and appreciates when we call/visit).....I want to hurry up and have a normal pregnancy and deliver my baby and then I want to ask my darling sister if I can carry their child for them.....Its easier said than done, but I am hoping she will say Yes and I have the courage and the guts and the patience to go through with it. I feel like every couple who wants to have a child deserves one, this happiness should not be denied to anyone who is praying and hoping for it.

But for the timebeing, please pray for me...I have decided to wait till next week to call my doctor and then we will know what my body has in store for me this time around...

*Edited to add*
When I told my best friend who has had infertility issues in the past about my plans to ask my sister, she was appalled saying that if she would have been in my sister's place, she would have been extremely annoyed at the suggestion :) I love having my best friends to put me in place, sometimes well meaning thoughts turn into severe invasions of privacy, dont they. So now I have decided to shut up with my pompous suggestions and if ever in the future, my sister voluntarily tells me that they are considering a surrogate is when I will open my mouth and volunteer for the job. Otherwise I am gonna shut it and just pray for her everyday...

A miscarriage story

I had a D&C suction procedure done yesterday. What it means is a miscarriage in a controlled environment. Monday ultrasounds had already confirmed no fetal activity, it had passed away sometime during the earlier week. So the doctor was kind enough to schedule the procedure for me asap and not wait for nature to take its course. This way I can move on with less physical pain.

My surgery was scheduled at 11 AM. 11 hour fasting with no food/water, we reached the Day Surgery wing of the hospital by 9.15 AM as instructed. As we sat in the waiting room and watched the nurses go in and out of the ward, I made mental notes of who I dont want, there was one nurse who looked especially strict and the minute I said to myself, I dont want her, she called my name and said "I will be your nurse"!! But she turned out to be really really sweet and I got a lot of pats and Darlings and my poor baby and sweethearts all through my stay there :) Then there was an anesthesiologist - a desi one, about my age and I thought - I dont want him (what if I meet him in the temple or something and he remembers me, I dont want him to see my ....), and a minute later I was shaking hands listening to him explain to me how he was going to deliver the general anesthesia. I remembered this deep philosophy funda told to me by my best friend, "Life is like rowing a boat, sometimes no matter how hard you steer it doesnt go in the direction you want it to, so you just let go of the oars, sit back and let it take its course".

Anyways after tons of forms filling; there was also one on fetal disposition where Nini (my lovable nurse) placed her hand on mine sympathetically and asked me if I had my own funeral arrangements, I was stumped for sometime and then realised she was asking me how to dispose of the remains of my conception. When I was telling this to P later on, he genuinely thought they were asking about "my" arrangements in case I pass away suddenly during surgery hehehe, taking signing the consent forms to a whole new level :))

Stripped down, in the hospital gown, IV started, waiting game for the doctor begun. I saw all the patients around me come and go, wheeled out to the OR - interesting to look at the anxious faces of those who had been bravely chattering away minutes ago. The gall bladder to be removed lady next to me was discussing/planning her entire Thanksgiving dinner with her husband - descriptions of truffles stuffed with caramel, mashed potatoes etc made me want to throw the curtain aside and shout at her to shut it, I was so starving. Though P said it was more a mental thing as I was getting all the nutrients I needed from the IV :)

The doctor finally showed up at 11.40 AM, the nurse injected something in the IV to help me relax, they started wheeling me towards the OR, doors opening and I woke up in the recovery room :) Isnt anesthesia a beautiful thing?? I remember nothing in between :)

The procedure took about half an hour and I had been out for an hour. Then from a bed in the recovery ward to a reclining chair in the discharge ward or whatever its called, nausea from anesthesia so meds for it, dizziness, grogginess, weakness, two hours later I was about to pull the IV from my hand and go home myself so I started hitting P (I am sure I didnt, husbands lie when wives are delirious) that I need to go home right now and tell the nurse/doctor that I have to go. So I lied my way through - Oh yeah, I feel fine, was wheeled out in a wheelchair, put in my car and helped to the sofa where I collapsed in relief :)

Aai had lunch ready as usual so ravenously ate poli bhaaji koshimbir and promptly dozed off.

R was so sweet about being quiet and not disturbing me as I slept. 2 hours later she could no longer take it and came over and I could hear her Mommy Mommy Mommy :) P said that she had also tried fake coughing to wake me up :)

Well apart from the stomach pain which goes away with painkillers and the exhaustion from going through this drama, I am fine. And I think I will get even better as the physical pain heals.

So this was it, we have checked off miscarriage on our list of things we have gone through and came out stronger :) Looking forward to a good rest of the year and an awesome 2010, after all we will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary next year!!

End of this chapter

So ultrasound today said no heartbeat etc. Doctor scheduled a D&C for tomorrow morning. Surprisingly I was quite stoic when the technician was performing the ultrasound, the fact that she didnt bother to show us the screen confirmed that there was nothing to see there. I didnt cry at all after that. Sometimes its good to get closure, then the healing process can start. I was exhausted with the ups and downs the past two months anyways.

The doctor said dont try to get pregnant for the next 2-3 months. Its a good thing I ran my half marathon this year, I have something to remember this year by.

Just exhausted............and we just found out that my hubby's uncle has to be admitted to the same hospital for a heart condition. Poor P - making trips back and forth to the hospital today and tomorrow......Maybe our whole family has bad karma this year......P's cousin's engagement broke off so the entire wedding plans were cancelled, then my inlaws arrived and their dis satisfaction and frustrations, my troubled pregnancy, miscarriage and now this......too tired beyond words...

Pregnancy terminated

My HCG levels plunged to square one, my tummy and back hurt all day and night. Bleeding isnt too bad yet but the doctor called to say that the pregnancy is terminated. Still going in for the ultrasound and then we will schedule a D&C.

Waiting...

R is taking my whole bed rest-Mommy is sick, pretty hard. She has been crying without any reason and insisting that Mommy plays with her/takes her to the park/picks her up/feeds her and on and on. It doesnt help even if Grandma is around the whole time, there is no replacement for Mommy. I am also so tired of the fatigue, the constant sleepiness (side effect of the progesterone shots) and the suspense.

Today I feel like all my pregnancy symptoms (I didnt have many but I had one left - constant hunger) have all vanished. I feel empty inside. I feel like my pregnancy has terminated. Without modern medical inventions to confirm it, I know its gone.

I just want to get back to normal life, I was actually joking about wanting to have a D&C done as early as possible so I will be back on my feet to cook a Thanksgiving meal and shop the sales. I am not being insensitive or not that I dont care about a miscarriage. I think I am trying to condition my mind into being brave and looking at the bright side of things, maybe it was not meant to be for a reason.

I do know I will cry my heart out tomorrow when the ultrasound technician pronounces the final verdict, even though I am mentally preparing myself to listen to the words - No heartbeat, it still sends up a chill everytime I imagine it. I know I will break down when I hear it and its real. I also know that it must have been for the best and I must put my trust in God and believe that I will get pregnant again soon and will have a wonderful healthy child. This is my dukh and I have to go through it.

I am also strongly blocking out the past - thoughts of what could have been and missed opportunities - is there any point of crying over spilt milk? I am also not going to think of the future and freak myself out thinking about - What if I cant get pregnant? What if I never have a baby?. I am only going to live in the present, take it day by day and hope that good things in life will come to me....

Just cant wait for the new year.............

48 hours

of mystery.....Started bleeding last night, went in to see my doctor today who said there is tissue coming out of the cervix. Doctor still tried to boost my morale by saying she still has a good feeling about this and that I might not be miscarrying. Now need to wait till Monday to find out the verdict.

I am emotionally spent now. No more tears, no more emotion.

One baby to another

As soon as she woke up, R asked me if I had a baby in my tummy. I didnt know what to say to her so I just said "Would you like a baby in my tummy?". She said Yes and upon being asked if she wanted a sister or a brother. She said a baby sister and then kissed my tummy and hugged it.

I dont know where all this came from! One of her daycare friend's mother is pregnant and she knows the concept of babies in tummies. My sister in law is pregnant too and R is already awaiting the birth of her new cousin sister but this love and affection for her own baby sister/brother, and that too out of the blue is so touching.

The moment she kissed my tummy, it was sooooooooooo cute. R is so sweet and reassuring. One time she came upon me talking to my mother on the phone and crying, she went "Oh man, my Mommy is crying" and came over and patted me and kissed me. And she is not even three yet!! Such infinite wisdom and emotional intelligence from a toddler.

I had a rough night yesterday, had some more spotting. I literally sat in bed and told God - If this baby is not meant to be, let me miscarry tonight, Please spare me the continuous suspense. For some reason, I willed myself to believe that if I hadnt bled out by morning, I am going to be fine. And then R woke up and kissed my tummy in the morning.

When I am drowning in a sea of emotions and fears, I feel like I have received a straw to clutch on to and hold on to tightly. I am not letting go, my dearest unborn child, hang on, we will get through this together. I will see your beautiful happy healthy face next summer and you will get along great with your older sister, the sweetest girl in the universe for me :)

I am done with thinking that I might miscarry, thats not an option anymore. This pregnancy is going to sustain and everything will be allright, I believe it from my core and my body, my baby and our countless indicators better fall in line.