I am here :)

One of the three people in the world who know about this blog had asked me why I only write about sad things here. If I want R or S to ever read me in the future, would they think I had a sad life :)) I think I turn to this blog when I am stressed, to clear my head, its my therapy.

Anyways many things happened rapidly over the past month. I had a phone screen at XYZ co. The screen went fine and I was grocery shopping when I received a call from one of their HR reps. Their VP Finance wanted to talk to me. She wanted to set up time to chat tomorrow morning. Tomorrow was a Saturday! Who interviews on a Saturday in the US!! No Sorry or No can you do it, nothing, no regard for my preference. But I needed a job I guess. I said okay. The VP was supposed to call me at 10:30 am, he called at ten and said he had time to talk now and could we chat? Okay, I drop everything and get grilled for 40 minutes. Rapid fire questions. Did I say he was Indian? Patel. Sigh...at the end of it, he says "See you on Monday", I was like "Whaaat, no one told me about anything on Monday". He said "Of course I was on the calendar for a four hour visit to their campus on Monday - meet with so and so culminating in a 45 minute interview (again!!) with him. So then on this beautiful Saturday morning, his HR reps scrambled to call me back with confirmation and put together an agenda for Monday morning. So all of Sunday was spent in running out to buy a suit, prepping for the damn interview.

On Monday, the interviews went fine and when I walked into his office, Mr.Patel says "I have nothing to ask you". Great! At the end of the week, I had my offer. $2K less than what my earlier job was paying me. Arent you supposed to make more when you switch jobs? I accepted just because I am a chicken and insecure and was worried about turning down another job and then what if I didnt get a job for months and months. Now I look back and regret. First of many mistakes? Why am I making mistakes career wise this year! I had a nice cozy job in my comfort zone with my old employer which I turned down because of the commute. Now I am driving 25 miles each way in peak office times and tired and frustrated after 2+ hours of driving each day.

I had hesitated in my tracks when I had driven over to my new company. It was a small red building with a factory attached to it. I had severe withdrawal from having worked for seven years in a sprawling campus in a towering building. I am spoilt. I didnt want to go but forced myself to walk in.

I took this job purely because of one thing - I liked the job profile - its a core finance job and I need that experience on my resume to make it big some day.

But now reality has hit and this dream finance job that I so wanted, is very hectic and stressful and demanding. My colleagues at this work place are young, no kids and have pledged their life to office. So they are there when I arrive, they are irritated when I leave. I already work stupid 8.5-9 hour days without taking any lunch breaks. I have two young children. I cannot keep up with them. I so so want to quit.

R didnt make things easy for me. She cried all through the first two weeks. I have severe allergies and am perpetually feverish, sore throatish and sick. Its all taking a toll on me. I feel like I have made so many mistakes - should have taken my old employer's offer, took this one, now I wont get unemployment...I dont have the guts to do anything anymore. And I have lost the self confidence to think clearly and make a decision for myself. I am scared either way.

I am scared to stay in this job. I feel like a failure everyday - there is no clear handoff, no clear ownership, I dont even have a fricking boss yet and my interim boss is this shiny over enthu workaholic guy who clearly disapproves when I leave in the evening. I feel like a failure at home when I return and two (three?) souls are waiting for me and I feel like I cannot give enough time and attention to each of them. Shouldnt work bring you happiness? Shouldnt time spent away from your loved ones mean something?

I want to quit and take it easy. Visions of lolling around with the two babies, bringing R home half day and spending the summer having fun float in my head. But then reality hits and I am scared - what if, I get tired of it after a few weeks and never ever find a job again.

I keep thinking I should quit. P is not backing me on this. He keeps stressing me out with worst case scenarios like - If you quit before you find another job, then you can sit at home and look after both girls, we should pull R out of school and you can handle everything by yourself, dont expect me to help etc. He is ready to lend me a shoulder if I cry over my commute, tiring job but is unwilling to support me if I say I want to take a break.

I am stressed either way. I horribly envy those girls who are so clear in what they want. They have babies, they quit, they are firm on wanting to stay home and enjoy with kids, they return to work eventually. Why cant I be like that? I want to have everything.

One of my friends told me that working mothers can have everything but not at the same time, you will have different things at different times and it is up to you to decide what is your priority at various times.

So for now, I have decided I will stick to my timings. Let them tell me it is unacceptable. I will work my 8.5 hours and leave and not care if the office is full of people. I have a life and dependents.

I need to take care of my health and find a solution for the effects of allergies. Physical strength and fitness precedes a happy state of mind.

If my blog were a person, I would hug it tight...I feel so much better :)

On a different note, my birth father (I call him Dad now) and me exchange emails on an almost daily basis. Its going great guns and I am going to call him and talk to him for the first time ever on his birthday this month!! He is very nice and loving and I fear I hassle him sometimes by being insecure and clingy.

Should make a list of good things in my life and let go of the stress from the rest. Its all self created, this stupid stress :)