Fear

I got a doctor's appointment for next Monday, my birthday! Of course I wouldnt know the test results right away but have to wait till Tuesday then.

P has asked me to be numb to the realisation of being pregnant. Neither rejoice nor get freaked out. Just stay neutral and not react to anything. Neither dream of the future nor discuss anything baby related. Neither tell anyone nor think about it.

Its so difficult and like today when I burst out crying in the middle of the day for no reason, alone in my cube, I sat for fifteen minutes tears streaming down my cheeks. I finally told one of my closest friends at work. I cant hide sorrow inside my heart. I have to share it to reduce it. Or it multiplies until it suffocates me.

I want to be sick with nausea, I want to have all the normal symptoms of pregnancy that other women have. I just want to have a normal pregnancy.

R would be such a wonderful older sister and she is absolutely ready to have a sibling. Please God, please help me.

:) Blogging sure is my mufta ka pscyciatrist :) I feel so much better already. Let me be grateful for the one kid I already have and for my wonderful husband and not cry over something that might not happen. I might just have normal levels and might have a normal pregnancy and might have a sweet baby by the end of this year in my arms. Be positive S...