My internal happiness - where are you? I used to pride myself on my ability to bounce back from everything - I would convince myself that whatever I am going through isnt so bad and would get better and smile. And I cant seem to do that anymore. All through my childhood, when the going got tough, I would look into my eyes in the mirror and tell myself that this too shall pass and I will come through at the other end. Now I cannot bear to look at myself. Where did my inner confidence go?
And what is the reason for all this stupid stress - my deadlines at work? My constant need to outperform and keep up to the high expectations people have from me at work? Why cant I just tell my boss - this is it, please get me resources to help, I need to chill. Why do I need to pretend I am wonderwoman and can manage everything beautifully.
Last summer my in laws were visiting, every evening after work, I would be in the kitchen cooking dinner while R would act out and get annoyed that Mommy wasnt available to play with her. I would hate being indoors when we have beautiful warm weather for a couple of months only. This summer, I have no such restrictions apart from the fact that I am tired and R has no interest in going out in the evenings plus its hotter this year. I feel like I am wasting away the precious few summer weekdays when I can think about going for a walk. Soon it will be winter and I will be stuck inside.
But things could definitely be worse than this, then why do I not appreciate what I have right now and smile? Why cant I be more happy go lucky and believe in myself and believe that things will work out in the future and just let go of all my anxieties and enjoy the present? As much as I would like to have three kids, I dont think I can go through pregnancy again so this might be my last planned pregnancy ever, so why dont I enjoy this phase in my life? So many Why's and who has the answer to it?
1) Omg I wont have a job next year
2) I will have a young young infant and will need to look for another job
3) Will I find a company to work for which is as accomodating and flexible to working mothers as my current company is?
4) I have to find a nanny - a super nanny who will take awesome care of my baby and cook and clean. Where is this mystery magical person?
5) When I barely get my affairs in order - job, nanny, infant on schedule, R happy, summer approaching, us looking forward to a relaxed summer; the in-laws will land here and send my stress levels sky rocketing again.
6) If I am as tired then as I am now, my in laws visiting will surely break me.
7) I can't refuse for them to visit, I can't be that mean daughter in law and forbid parents to visit their son and grandkids. (And sister in law is useless, she will invite them over for the usual month or so and that is it)
1) I am a bad mother. R still wakes up in the middle of the night, she sleeps on the floor on sleeping bags in our room when there are two more rooms with perfectly good beds in them - empty.
2) I might have to take insulin shots. What could be worse than the shot in the bum that I had to endure last time? But still, these are shots and me no want any pain.
3) August 31st - my deadline for an important work project and as I have owned it through planning, execution of initial phases and reporting; I refuse to have to let go in the last phase or share credit with anyone else :( And is this stupid pride causing me sleepless nights?
4) I need someone to tell me I look good - I just need this vanity.
Well I dont really have many current worries, do I? So all the fear is for the unknown, the future :) so maybe I need to work on how to manage stress and worry about crossing the bridge when I get to it and all that fun stuff :)