Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Where are you?

My internal happiness - where are you? I used to pride myself on my ability to bounce back from everything - I would convince myself that whatever I am going through isnt so bad and would get better and smile. And I cant seem to do that anymore. All through my childhood, when the going got tough, I would look into my eyes in the mirror and tell myself that this too shall pass and I will come through at the other end. Now I cannot bear to look at myself. Where did my inner confidence go?

And what is the reason for all this stupid stress - my deadlines at work? My constant need to outperform and keep up to the high expectations people have from me at work? Why cant I just tell my boss - this is it, please get me resources to help, I need to chill. Why do I need to pretend I am wonderwoman and can manage everything beautifully.

Last summer my in laws were visiting, every evening after work, I would be in the kitchen cooking dinner while R would act out and get annoyed that Mommy wasnt available to play with her. I would hate being indoors when we have beautiful warm weather for a couple of months only. This summer, I have no such restrictions apart from the fact that I am tired and R has no interest in going out in the evenings plus its hotter this year. I feel like I am wasting away the precious few summer weekdays when I can think about going for a walk. Soon it will be winter and I will be stuck inside.

But things could definitely be worse than this, then why do I not appreciate what I have right now and smile? Why cant I be more happy go lucky and believe in myself and believe that things will work out in the future and just let go of all my anxieties and enjoy the present? As much as I would like to have three kids, I dont think I can go through pregnancy again so this might be my last planned pregnancy ever, so why dont I enjoy this phase in my life? So many Why's and who has the answer to it?

Future worries:
1) Omg I wont have a job next year
2) I will have a young young infant and will need to look for another job
3) Will I find a company to work for which is as accomodating and flexible to working mothers as my current company is?
4) I have to find a nanny - a super nanny who will take awesome care of my baby and cook and clean. Where is this mystery magical person?
5) When I barely get my affairs in order - job, nanny, infant on schedule, R happy, summer approaching, us looking forward to a relaxed summer; the in-laws will land here and send my stress levels sky rocketing again.
6) If I am as tired then as I am now, my in laws visiting will surely break me.
7) I can't refuse for them to visit, I can't be that mean daughter in law and forbid parents to visit their son and grandkids. (And sister in law is useless, she will invite them over for the usual month or so and that is it)

Current worries:
1) I am a bad mother. R still wakes up in the middle of the night, she sleeps on the floor on sleeping bags in our room when there are two more rooms with perfectly good beds in them - empty.
2) I might have to take insulin shots. What could be worse than the shot in the bum that I had to endure last time? But still, these are shots and me no want any pain.
3) August 31st - my deadline for an important work project and as I have owned it through planning, execution of initial phases and reporting; I refuse to have to let go in the last phase or share credit with anyone else :( And is this stupid pride causing me sleepless nights?
4) I need someone to tell me I look good - I just need this vanity.

Well I dont really have many current worries, do I? So all the fear is for the unknown, the future :) so maybe I need to work on how to manage stress and worry about crossing the bridge when I get to it and all that fun stuff :)


  1. But this too shall definitely pass and you will do just fine, Sonia. Don't stress too much worrying about the future. You'll find a job...but that's for later. As of now, it's your health that you need to take care of and so you need to stop stressing out about future. Take one step at a time...health, current job deadlines, family - those are for now...new job, nanny, in-laws visiting can be thought of and worried about later when things calm down a bit in work front :)

    Many many hugs. Don't worry...things will be just fine..take care, dear.

  2. pregnant?

    blame it all on the hormones and for gud measure on the man...in some weird way, like a Quinton Quarentino movie, he will be responsible... :)

    u r venting..thats great...keep putting it out here and u will arrive at ur own solutions...talk to hubby, he mite be able to reduce the stress levels, like cancelling the in law visit for example..

    but iam afraid theres nothing u can do abt the injection though..just endure..

    let me tell u a joke :

    a man was walking the redlight districts of LA and he came across a woman of the night who asked him if he has done it the Spanish way. The man was intriged enuf to give it a shot. So they both ended up in a motel where they ended up having a very torrid and steamy session. Upon conclusion of the said act, as the man was pulling on his pants, while the lady of the night lay on the heavily undone bed smoking a cancer stick, he realised that he still had no idea what was spanish abt the whole thing. So he turned to her and asked:

    'Hey, that was really great, but what was spanish abt it'

    Upon which the girl exclaimed: 'Oh damn I forgot' and then crushed the cigarette in the ash try and stood up on the bed, put her hands above her head and said :


  3. Did you check below the bed ? or may be you left in the bathroom ?
    Okay just kidding. I think take one day and one thing at a time and you will do fine. Divert your mind. Some nice music when you work or cook. and of course health comes first. Take care. Cheers

  4. Thanks Titaxy, I do feel a lot better today!
    Tys, hehehe...what a funny joke!! Tusi comedy ho..
    Blue Mist: Kya re, what a poor joke haha..Thanks for your concern and wishes...

  5. Oh dear! Am sure u will do well. Lotz of hugs :)
    And its okay if they complain. I hv learnt a big lesson ;) We can't please everybody. So as long as I know am dng well and my loved ones appreciate, I dnt care much abt what others think. It affects me after all! They will still hv all the fun ;)

  6. So what but you laughed did you not ? :P that matters !

  7. Is it something in the stars. I am depressed too :(
    but what stood out from this post was- LAST Planned Pregnancy...God I cant even imagine getting pregnant ever again, will make sure nothing unplanned happens ever!
    BTW I know the visit from inlaws is always so stressful. I was pumping when they visited when Aarzu was born, we used to give formula once a day but with in 10 days or so, my milk stopped coming and she was totally on the formula. We had friends who managed much better with fewer fights with each other because they had no family help and just knew they were in it together. It wouldn't have happened but for 3 years after Aarzu was born, I used to tell my husband that we should do the same thing the next time around, not have anyone over for more than a month or 6 weeks.
    Believe me its better, we are on our own now- my mom left when the baby was 3 days old and visited once in a while, inlaws never offered any help and we are doing great. Of course we had a maid for cleaning and cooking but still, it is so much better than it wld have been had I been staying with my inlaws

  8. T&D: I would love to have three kids but I dont have any himmat to get pregnant again :) And I completely can relate to what you are saying - my milk also completely stopped due to stress. When R was born, and my in laws visited, P was travelling all the time due to his consulting job. I was literally a single parent - they would look after her during the day when I was out to work but as soon as I got home, it was all a one woman show - cooking, cleaning, feeding R, bathing R, clearing up after dinner, waking up hundred times at night to feed R, getting her all set in the morning and waking them up before I left to work. I am determined not to go thru that again. It will be much more peaceful to not have anyone around and manage with outside help...Upar se there is zero appreciation and recognition for your efforts...that hurts more...Jaaney dey, some people are lucky and some are not, in laws ke maamley mein...