I have cried every single evening this week...I am perpetually depressed and stressed. I am being mean to everyone who is close to me and offer helpful suggestions and advice and polite for no reason to outsiders who dont really care and are idiots. Have you ever noticed how u can sometimes tend to vent your anger on your close family and friends while you reserve the politest of smiles and diplomatic of answers for the rest of the world? Why dont we focus on the people that matter and be equally patient with them? My Dad used to keep saying to me - You have a MBA degree, why dont you use the same principles of managing difficult people interactions which you so successfully apply at work, at home - with my in laws. But I could never do it; while I stay calm through storms at work, the slightest ripple at home would break me. I guess because nothing at work is personal (atleast thats what I tell myself) while the minute you step into the house, everything is (which I should pretend isnt).
I have gestational diabetes now - hooray - and while my readings were so normal when I had taken a week off and chilled out at my brothers with my Mom cooking snacks and meals for me, they are consistently out of range and higher ever since I have been back home :( I dread pain, I have gone through a lot of it between this pregnancy and the last miscarriage and I dont want to take more. I am scared of having to take insulin injections and I am stressed to keep the sugar levels under control - its not like I am gorging on cakes and pastries, even not eating the right amount, the right stuff at the right time throws the levels out of whack :( Like eating snacks in the middle of the night, which I have done today and I dont care. What else should I do? A pregnant woman in her seventh month tossing and turning - starving? So yes, all the well meaning advice from family/friends of - get food cooked from outside - doesnt help. I got home cooked meals from this punjabi lady and hungrily wolfed down lauki kofta curry and rotis and was going to pass out seeing my reading later that night :( Everytime I see a high reading, I can only picture the injection in my mind.
I am so super swamped at work - I know thats one of my main reasons of BS stress. How how how am I so swamped when my position is going to be terminated end of the year? I am yearning for August to go away, my deadlines to disappear and hopefully a peaceful and quiet September and October to rest and get ready for the next big chapter in my life - being a parent to two kids :)
I keep losing it on P bechara, I think he must be fantasizing about packing a bag and running far far away. We had a detailed ultrasound done (Having gestational diabetes automatically makes it a high risk pregnancy and needs more monitoring) and even though we had told the technician/doctor not to reveal the sex of the baby, she slipped at one point and said "Her" so its most probably a girl. Yesterday he mentioned tiredly that - all of you women are driving me crazy. Poor guy! For his sake, I wanted a boy. Not that the boy wouldnt drive him crazy but atleast it wouldnt be one more in his harem. His mother and sister (though not so much lately) also contribute heavily to leaning on P for everything. Internet doesnt work in India, his mother calls him every single night crying as if its the end of the world. No thought to what must be happening on this side of the line. I would like to think I dont add to his burden but nowadays I am 99% of pregnant-over worked-diabetic wife is driving me crazy- load.
You know what would make all of this go away - if I quit, walk out and say "Thats it, no more, you guys figure out what to do with my pending responsibilities". But I dont have the courage or the desire to do it. I cannot let go of my career, no matter how many times I remind myself and read all those chain letter emails on how when you are ready to die, your family/friends will count and not your co workers etc, I cannot not care about my career. I have worked hard to get where I am and I cannot let go easily. Thats another of my deep buried subconscious stress causant, which I am consciously trying not to acknowledge - the looming pressure of having to find a new job next year.
We were all set to go camping this weekend but I cant do it - half of me is so very enthusiastic to still pull it together and go and the other practical half says "Slow down, get the rest of your things in order". There is a horse riding stable onsite there and R who absolutely loves horses is looking forward to riding a pony. Its a nice camping area, an hour or so away from our place so the driving is not bad and I was looking forward to the last camping trip I would have this year. Plus good company and being outside in the nature....I do want to go. Sigh. Now if I could get a fairy godmother to come help us pack, prepare and pack my diabetic snacks and meals, give me a massage for my aching legs and back, get some work tasks out of the way so next week wont crash on me as soon as I walk in Monday morning, I am all ready to sit back, relax and read a book and enjoy camping...
So what should I do? The next best thing??
I am going to plead with my maternal fetal specialists to give me one more week to get my readings in order.
I am going to ask P to cut up veggies etc so I can cook simple stir fries on Sunday so healthy dinners will be ready for next week.
I am going to get my ass into bed right now and sleep and wake up late.
I will take my laptop over to the campsite so I can get work things out of the way or leave early on Sunday and get it done before Monday...
I am not going to aspire to that image of being a perfect Mom with a beautifully decorated home and frames and pictures put up - R painted such a beautiful picture at school and I was so intent on framing it and hanging it in her room, now its lost somewhere beneath the unending piles of mail. I will not feel guilty about it. First things first...
I will ask for help at work - whats the point in trying to be a super hero and going above and beyond. I need to go above and beyond for myself - by taking care of my health first and then my family.
So prioritize prioritize prioritize - health - physical and mental, smiling family, work :)