End of self pity :)

Yesterday I had to go to my office to get my laptop fixed before I need to give it away. My last day with them is approaching fast and I wanted to make sure I had all of my personal stuff off the work computer. As I am still technically on maternity leave, the security guard required someone from HR to come downstairs and let me in and I don't know what went on but no one seemed to show up. So there I was sitting in the lobby like a visitor for almost 2 1/2 hours while I waited for the IT technician to show up, then take my computer away, then try to figure out how to fix it. In the meantime people walked in and out of the lobby, many of them who knew me stopped by to chat - Some asked "Are you here for a job interview?", others gasped and were shocked that I turned down a job offer from my company (the location was a 45 minute one way commute on a good day, realistically I would be on the road for three hours everyday), others said with pitiful looks that they kept me in their prayers (who died!) while some had the audacity to tell me that the market is tough outside. What the hell, if you have a job, why would you say that to someone who doesn't have one!

Anyways those 2 1/2 hours of sitting in the lobby like a stranger were so painful. Maybe if I wasn't let go, I wouldn't have felt so bad but yesterday I was fighting back tears. I have worked in that office, on that campus for 7 years now, the security guard knows me by name but still no one would let me in. Companies are cold and ruthless that way. It was a good cleansing closure kind of experience though, I refused to cry outwardly, brushed away my tears, chatted gaily with all and sundry and waited for my stupid worthless piece of junk laptop to be returned to me.

While leaving, I was done with them. Even now when I drive past, I think of it as home, not anymore, ties are severed. I wonder how people who work at a certain place for 20+ years feel, when they get let go.

I went to my favorite book store and bought a humongous chocolate chip cookie and an iced coffee and inhaled both and shopped for books and what not and finally took a deep breath and felt better :)

So now baby steps for everything....P has assured me over and over not to freak out and think we are headed for doomsday separation etc and has made me realize that his parents, even though they have numerous character flaws, are not khatarnaak and vicious as the Sasu Mas depicted in the soap operas on Indian TV. So after making it clear that I was not signing up for moving in with them or green card or even six months stay every year, I have promised to take the first re conciliatory step by talking nicely with them when we call this weekend and every subsequent phone conversation.

I also talked to a recruiter who said she loved my resume and not to worry, the market is getting better etc :) I refuse to worry about my job. I refuse to worry about my nanny. I refuse to worry.

I am going to enjoy my time with baby S and my drama queen R. I am going to go work out everyday - I was so busy crying over the past few days that I skipped gym :( I am going to focus on my job search. I am going to put some time aside for my home decoration khayali pulao ideas which I have made over the x no of years but never found the time to actually execute on them.

So thats where I am at, self pity is done, never again will I allow someone to pull me down and step on me, always turn towards the sun and smile :)