Whats going on with me....

My birth father and me are emailing each other almost daily. I dont know if its the freedom of writing to someone you have never met or its his personality but I find that I can ask him anything and he answers truthfully. It has been exhausting...initally when he wrote a long email to me for the first time talking about how painful it was to be detached from me all this while, I cried over and over and couldnt sleep at night. I still cannot and I wake up repeatedly to refresh my mail on the phone and to see if he replied back to my latest email. I read and re read my emails and his replies over and over until I know them by heart. I am so worried of losing him but can I really lose someone who was never mine?

My mother is freaking out with the thought of my birth mom finding out about us. She says that all hell will break loose when that happens. I am struggling to keep my loyalty to my birth mom as I get closer to my birth dad. I should remember that she kept me and stood by me, and that is the reality. All of our personality clashes on one side and this truth on the other. She agreed to the best route for me according to her and for that I owe her my gratitude. I shouldnt forget.

On the job front, its silence. I can hear the crickets chirping. I am beginning to get bored and am losing patience. I need to shake myself out of the slumber and re focus. And be patient and tell myself over and over and over that I will get a job soon, soon, soon... All the other projects in the house remain pending now. Its gym, birth father and job search in that order during the day. And of course playing with baby S is on the agenda all over all day... I still cannot believe I am talking to my birth father. I never thought this day would come in my life and I would be hearing him say all these things which I always hoped he would say to me someday. God is good to me. Thank you lord!