of mystery.....Started bleeding last night, went in to see my doctor today who said there is tissue coming out of the cervix. Doctor still tried to boost my morale by saying she still has a good feeling about this and that I might not be miscarrying. Now need to wait till Monday to find out the verdict.
I am emotionally spent now. No more tears, no more emotion.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
One baby to another
As soon as she woke up, R asked me if I had a baby in my tummy. I didnt know what to say to her so I just said "Would you like a baby in my tummy?". She said Yes and upon being asked if she wanted a sister or a brother. She said a baby sister and then kissed my tummy and hugged it.
I dont know where all this came from! One of her daycare friend's mother is pregnant and she knows the concept of babies in tummies. My sister in law is pregnant too and R is already awaiting the birth of her new cousin sister but this love and affection for her own baby sister/brother, and that too out of the blue is so touching.
The moment she kissed my tummy, it was sooooooooooo cute. R is so sweet and reassuring. One time she came upon me talking to my mother on the phone and crying, she went "Oh man, my Mommy is crying" and came over and patted me and kissed me. And she is not even three yet!! Such infinite wisdom and emotional intelligence from a toddler.
I had a rough night yesterday, had some more spotting. I literally sat in bed and told God - If this baby is not meant to be, let me miscarry tonight, Please spare me the continuous suspense. For some reason, I willed myself to believe that if I hadnt bled out by morning, I am going to be fine. And then R woke up and kissed my tummy in the morning.
When I am drowning in a sea of emotions and fears, I feel like I have received a straw to clutch on to and hold on to tightly. I am not letting go, my dearest unborn child, hang on, we will get through this together. I will see your beautiful happy healthy face next summer and you will get along great with your older sister, the sweetest girl in the universe for me :)
I am done with thinking that I might miscarry, thats not an option anymore. This pregnancy is going to sustain and everything will be allright, I believe it from my core and my body, my baby and our countless indicators better fall in line.
I dont know where all this came from! One of her daycare friend's mother is pregnant and she knows the concept of babies in tummies. My sister in law is pregnant too and R is already awaiting the birth of her new cousin sister but this love and affection for her own baby sister/brother, and that too out of the blue is so touching.
The moment she kissed my tummy, it was sooooooooooo cute. R is so sweet and reassuring. One time she came upon me talking to my mother on the phone and crying, she went "Oh man, my Mommy is crying" and came over and patted me and kissed me. And she is not even three yet!! Such infinite wisdom and emotional intelligence from a toddler.
I had a rough night yesterday, had some more spotting. I literally sat in bed and told God - If this baby is not meant to be, let me miscarry tonight, Please spare me the continuous suspense. For some reason, I willed myself to believe that if I hadnt bled out by morning, I am going to be fine. And then R woke up and kissed my tummy in the morning.
When I am drowning in a sea of emotions and fears, I feel like I have received a straw to clutch on to and hold on to tightly. I am not letting go, my dearest unborn child, hang on, we will get through this together. I will see your beautiful happy healthy face next summer and you will get along great with your older sister, the sweetest girl in the universe for me :)
I am done with thinking that I might miscarry, thats not an option anymore. This pregnancy is going to sustain and everything will be allright, I believe it from my core and my body, my baby and our countless indicators better fall in line.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Pain in the butt!
Literally........I have to take a shot for progesterone daily now till my first trimester gets over. Seems that my body has just stopped creating any progesterone whatsoever and the supplements (shooting cream up the....) doesnt seem to do any good now.
One of my good friends at work who has been through multiple IVF cycles and stillbirths and babies born pre pre pre maturely and then wait for them to pass away; this is one amazing female, she has been through hell, but always had an awesome attitude to dealing with everything and an unwavering spirit. Anyways, when she heard I have to take the shots, she told me - In all the horrible things I have gone through, I thought this was the worst! Then went on to describe how the needle is thick, how the injection solution being oil based is thick and takes a long time entering the body, how the injection site becomes painful, swells and what not, it seems like an ordeal.
So naturally after this discussion, I had a million butterflies in my stomach, I was soooooooo nervous that I drove straight to my neighboring Indian restaurant and got a to-go Indian buffet. Its funny how I turn to food immediately as a coping mechanism. And then off we went to the doctor, my sweetheart husband, me and Mom where the doctor taught P how to give me the shot. The doctor being so experienced and all, I didnt feel it at all. I was bracing myself for a very painful shot and what not but surprisingly I didnt even feel the needle, she is so awesome. I felt immense relief.
Sometimes I reminisce about the days when we were newly wed and how P had eyes only for me etc. Now everytime I have any type of conversation, his eyes are on the TV/laptop/newspaper etc....and how I used to get mad at him sometimes thinking the romance has gone from our lives and it has become routine....Anyways its times like this - standing in the doctor's office seeing P intently listen to the doctor's instructions on how to adminster the shot. He never even once hesitated to say "Of course I will give you the shot" and the emotions overwhelm me. I love this guy so much. I dont care if he doesnt hug and kiss me and say I love you all the time (he never did, he is the strong silent types); his actions speak louder than words. Running that half marathon with me, backing me up in endless baseless complaints by his mother, cooking, chores and playing with R as I lie on the sofa tired from work at the end of the day and holding me as I cried through the night during bleeding episodes, this is the real romance and I am glad to have him. Love you so much my P..
One of my good friends at work who has been through multiple IVF cycles and stillbirths and babies born pre pre pre maturely and then wait for them to pass away; this is one amazing female, she has been through hell, but always had an awesome attitude to dealing with everything and an unwavering spirit. Anyways, when she heard I have to take the shots, she told me - In all the horrible things I have gone through, I thought this was the worst! Then went on to describe how the needle is thick, how the injection solution being oil based is thick and takes a long time entering the body, how the injection site becomes painful, swells and what not, it seems like an ordeal.
So naturally after this discussion, I had a million butterflies in my stomach, I was soooooooo nervous that I drove straight to my neighboring Indian restaurant and got a to-go Indian buffet. Its funny how I turn to food immediately as a coping mechanism. And then off we went to the doctor, my sweetheart husband, me and Mom where the doctor taught P how to give me the shot. The doctor being so experienced and all, I didnt feel it at all. I was bracing myself for a very painful shot and what not but surprisingly I didnt even feel the needle, she is so awesome. I felt immense relief.
Sometimes I reminisce about the days when we were newly wed and how P had eyes only for me etc. Now everytime I have any type of conversation, his eyes are on the TV/laptop/newspaper etc....and how I used to get mad at him sometimes thinking the romance has gone from our lives and it has become routine....Anyways its times like this - standing in the doctor's office seeing P intently listen to the doctor's instructions on how to adminster the shot. He never even once hesitated to say "Of course I will give you the shot" and the emotions overwhelm me. I love this guy so much. I dont care if he doesnt hug and kiss me and say I love you all the time (he never did, he is the strong silent types); his actions speak louder than words. Running that half marathon with me, backing me up in endless baseless complaints by his mother, cooking, chores and playing with R as I lie on the sofa tired from work at the end of the day and holding me as I cried through the night during bleeding episodes, this is the real romance and I am glad to have him. Love you so much my P..
Monday, November 16, 2009
Yeh kya ho raha hain
So its officially a high risk pregnancy now.
Every couple of days I await my blood test results with rokhey huey saans, sometimes HCG is low, sometimes progesterone is low. Ultrasounds are equally nerve wracking too, sometimes baby's heart rate is low, all the times the baby doesnt measure to how many weeks of pregnancy I am at. Its like someone has cursed me. What is this punishment for?
Every couple of days I await my blood test results with rokhey huey saans, sometimes HCG is low, sometimes progesterone is low. Ultrasounds are equally nerve wracking too, sometimes baby's heart rate is low, all the times the baby doesnt measure to how many weeks of pregnancy I am at. Its like someone has cursed me. What is this punishment for?
Monday, November 9, 2009
Content in this century
I was thinking yesterday that if this were 500 years ago, I would have surely died in childbirth or never had kids. When I had baby R, I had gestational diabetes, then when it was time to deliver, she was stuck and the doctor had to use forceps and what not to free her. Now my second time around, my progesterone levels and HCG levels are low. She immediately prescribed progesterone supplements which took care of the bleeding and now those levels have gone up. HCG is out of our hands, its the health of the baby and no medicines or supplements or anything will have any effect on it. If this were 500 some years back, I would definitely not been able to carry this baby so far, I would have had many bleeding episodes and lost it.
I am really glad to be born in the 20th century! I also do not wish to be here 500 years from now when robots take over the world and food is reduced to taking vitamin supplements and food pills and what not (my very rudimentary vision of the future from low budget sci fi movies)...
Sigh anyways my doctor's office is not even scheduling wellness check ups for me, they are all kinda waiting, its endless bloodtests and prenatal screens, there is an unsaid message lingering in the air - If this pregnancy sustains, then we can talk about a milestone check up :( Hoping for the best and prepared for the worst is where I am right now :)
I am really glad to be born in the 20th century! I also do not wish to be here 500 years from now when robots take over the world and food is reduced to taking vitamin supplements and food pills and what not (my very rudimentary vision of the future from low budget sci fi movies)...
Sigh anyways my doctor's office is not even scheduling wellness check ups for me, they are all kinda waiting, its endless bloodtests and prenatal screens, there is an unsaid message lingering in the air - If this pregnancy sustains, then we can talk about a milestone check up :( Hoping for the best and prepared for the worst is where I am right now :)
Friday, November 6, 2009
Man proposes God disposes
Some things are completely out of your control. I am too exhausted even to type this post but I want to do it so that one day when things are fine and I have a healthy happy baby, I can look back and remind myself in future trying situations that there are happy endings.
I am having my blood checked everyday and my HCG levels refuse to double/increase at the expected pace. They are practically creeping by but thankfully they are not falling which is then a sure sign of miscarriage. So right now there is a chance of miscarriage and I can still hope for miracles to happen and the pregnancy to sustain and a happy ending.
I am transitioning to my new job at work, trying to hold down two jobs at this time, the hubby has a hectic schedule at work, I am constantly tired and weepy, my toddler picks up on all this and demands more and more attention, and I literally feel the hangover from the inlaws visit. A ray of sunshine in this is that my Mom is flying in to spend time with me till I feel better. Arent Moms the best? Pray for me all ye anonymous friends....
I am having my blood checked everyday and my HCG levels refuse to double/increase at the expected pace. They are practically creeping by but thankfully they are not falling which is then a sure sign of miscarriage. So right now there is a chance of miscarriage and I can still hope for miracles to happen and the pregnancy to sustain and a happy ending.
I am transitioning to my new job at work, trying to hold down two jobs at this time, the hubby has a hectic schedule at work, I am constantly tired and weepy, my toddler picks up on all this and demands more and more attention, and I literally feel the hangover from the inlaws visit. A ray of sunshine in this is that my Mom is flying in to spend time with me till I feel better. Arent Moms the best? Pray for me all ye anonymous friends....
Monday, November 2, 2009
Red
Red is a color you dont ever want to see when you are pregnant. Last night on a routine trip to the bathroom, thats exactly what I saw - shocking bright red. I havent stopped crying since. My back is killing me and my doctor's office doesnt open till ten so all I can do is sit and wait and hope and pray.
I was about to cancel my India tickets, turned away the swine flu vaccine and now this!! I feel like the Universe is against me! Cancel India, dont take flu vaccine, wait till end of first trimester blah blah and now no pregnancy maybe......
I am exhausted but am just waiting for some confirmation so I can put it behind and move past. Maybe fate dictates something else, maybe I am required to be here with my husband and baby in the US and not go traipsing internationally.
I never track my site traffic but if you are passing through and read this, will you please pray for me?
I was about to cancel my India tickets, turned away the swine flu vaccine and now this!! I feel like the Universe is against me! Cancel India, dont take flu vaccine, wait till end of first trimester blah blah and now no pregnancy maybe......
I am exhausted but am just waiting for some confirmation so I can put it behind and move past. Maybe fate dictates something else, maybe I am required to be here with my husband and baby in the US and not go traipsing internationally.
I never track my site traffic but if you are passing through and read this, will you please pray for me?
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