So what’s my story……..parents divorced when I was born, my birth father hasn’t seen me ever, has never been in touch. I was adopted into a wonderful family, had a wonderful normal life and have no regrets. Then why, some 30 some years later, am I sad?. I couldn’t have asked for a better father, my adopted father is one of the best people in the world. There was/is no lacking of love and support. But ever since the birth of my baby, the first time I held her, the loving journey of my pregnancy, I cant stop thinking of my birth father and how he could bear to lose out on the opportunity of holding his newborn and how after all these years he still doesn’t seem to care to inquire. I know who he is, makes it worse. It feels like he is within reach, I can contact him but shouldn’t and can’t. I keep asking myself – Would I feel bad if he dies and I have never met him ever in my life? The answer keeps coming back – Yes.
I am a very open person; all through my life I cannot stand unresolved disputes, misunderstandings, unfinished conversations. I need closure from everything. I have never asked my family about why they divorced in the first place. Apart from my birth mother’s constant “You don’t know what I suffered” over the years, (which frankly irritated me so much that I refused to ask her – Please tell me, what is it that you suffered), I have never asked. Maybe that is the starting point – to ask my adopted mother about the divorce. Maybe that might change my need for closure.
Logically I agree that I should let sleeping dogs lie. Its been 30 some years, he is married, has his own family, my birth mother has her family, I have mine, everything is well and good then why stir trouble? Should I just file this thought away and accept the regret of never knowing a part of me? I think everyone has some regrets in life, but aren’t they generally things you wish you could change. And I have advance notice of my regret, maybe that’s why I struggle and think of taking a chance, taking the hard way, wanting to kmow if he would want to know me. What are the cons? I would definitely hurt my birth mother, do I want to do that? Or is it finally what gives me peace, For one thing I am sure that when I am old and tired, I will always regret not asking, not knowing, not meeting. What should I do?
P.S.: Saying things aloud in the virtual world is therapeutic for sure. I feel a bit better already :)