Thursday, May 21, 2009

What do I do?

So what’s my story……..parents divorced when I was born, my birth father hasn’t seen me ever, has never been in touch. I was adopted into a wonderful family, had a wonderful normal life and have no regrets. Then why, some 30 some years later, am I sad?. I couldn’t have asked for a better father, my adopted father is one of the best people in the world. There was/is no lacking of love and support. But ever since the birth of my baby, the first time I held her, the loving journey of my pregnancy, I cant stop thinking of my birth father and how he could bear to lose out on the opportunity of holding his newborn and how after all these years he still doesn’t seem to care to inquire. I know who he is, makes it worse. It feels like he is within reach, I can contact him but shouldn’t and can’t. I keep asking myself – Would I feel bad if he dies and I have never met him ever in my life? The answer keeps coming back – Yes.

I am a very open person; all through my life I cannot stand unresolved disputes, misunderstandings, unfinished conversations. I need closure from everything. I have never asked my family about why they divorced in the first place. Apart from my birth mother’s constant “You don’t know what I suffered” over the years, (which frankly irritated me so much that I refused to ask her – Please tell me, what is it that you suffered), I have never asked. Maybe that is the starting point – to ask my adopted mother about the divorce. Maybe that might change my need for closure.

Logically I agree that I should let sleeping dogs lie. Its been 30 some years, he is married, has his own family, my birth mother has her family, I have mine, everything is well and good then why stir trouble? Should I just file this thought away and accept the regret of never knowing a part of me? I think everyone has some regrets in life, but aren’t they generally things you wish you could change. And I have advance notice of my regret, maybe that’s why I struggle and think of taking a chance, taking the hard way, wanting to kmow if he would want to know me. What are the cons? I would definitely hurt my birth mother, do I want to do that? Or is it finally what gives me peace, For one thing I am sure that when I am old and tired, I will always regret not asking, not knowing, not meeting. What should I do?

P.S.: Saying things aloud in the virtual world is therapeutic for sure. I feel a bit better already :)


  1. Hey,

    I have been reading your blog for the past few days now. You have asked a question so I hope you don't think I am giving unsolicited advice.
    Go ahead and contact him. May be in an email. May be through a letter. So that he can choose not to reply. Tell him who you are.
    Ask him what was your fault (if you want to). You do deserve answers.
    And being married you know, its not easy to walk out, its particularly hard for a pregnant newly wed woman to walk out. So may be your mom did suffer a lot. No doubt, she doesn't want to talk about him. Keep her out of it. You are an adult and so is your dad. I don't think your mom will know if both of you keep it to urself. May be he is a changed man. May be he will say sorry. May be you will give him the closure he has been looking for. May be you will free him too.
    May be he is the same man. The one who a pregnant woman walked out on, some 30 years back. May be he won't care to respond. That will give you closure too. And may be you will understand your mom better.
    Our parents emotionally blackmail us into doing and not doing a lot of things. but you are 30. He is your biological father. As a mother, she should only understand your need for answers. Its perfectly natural. If you think about it at 30, you will be thinking about it at 40...what if its already too late till you get courage.
    As long as you have ur husband on ur side, go for it. And no, I don't mean you need to take ur husband's permission. I mean that you should have one friend who will support u no matter how it turns out, who won't say "I told u so" when ur father doesn't bother to respond. You will understand that it might not be the right thing, it might be playing with fire but you need to learn ur lesson urself. Just like ur mother did.
    I am answering this question with what I would have done. I love my parents, but after a point, I do somethings for my own self. In the US, contacting biological parents is considered normal and understandable. "why did u give me up" si something every abandoned child wants to ask. Go ahead ask it. Do you watch Hindi movies? Have you seen Kabhi Kabhie. The girl starts that journey and comes back closer to her adoptive parents. If you haven't you must watch that movie. Its about a girl who has everything but abandons it to ask that question.

  2. T&D, Thank you so much for your reply!! I am really in a dilemma here. My husband, my best friends since high school - no one thinks its a good idea! They think why am I stirring up trouble, I have a good life, great parents, everything is peaceful, why am I unnecessarily opening Pandora's box. But I feel like I need to do this, for some reason. I am going to start by asking my adopted parents about the divorce, its hard to do it over the phone, I wish we could be face to face but then they are in India, I am here. I know, no matter what, my birth mother will never ever understand my reasons, I would never dare to tell her I reached out to him. I dont have his email address, I have his public email address and I am sure his staff screens his emails. I have to see Kabhie Kabhie to muster up are right, I am sure I will think about this again at 40,50 and maybe it will be too late to rectify :( Maybe I should just keep it to myself - ie whatever I decide to to, so I can spare disappointment and pain to my family...Thanks, I needed someone to say they understood me, none of the people close to me support me right now even though they love me dearly.

  3. lady, you have to watch kabhie kabhie :-)
    Even if u do it with sub titles...
    The girl in the picture builds up a fantasy about her biological mother and is really hurt to find out that the woman is very cold when she meets her. no body supports her either. She breaks off her engagement.
    I personally, am not scared of my Mom. I think she forgives me no matter what. in your case, you know, she will not understand. So just keep her out of it.
    Husband, ideally I like him to support me because things such as this, a father who has never reached out...not worth undergoing stress in my married life...So get the husband on ur side. Tell him you need to do this to grow up.
    Rent kabhie, kabhie and watch it together. He will see your emotional turmoil.Its the Rishi kapoor, Neetu Singh movie and a really feel good, funny, light movie, with this adopted daughter thing at the heart.

  4. Hello Sonia, came to your blog from tearsndreams. Your post definitely feels like a cry for closure. I am like you, its hard for me to just let things go, if I need an answer or a reason. I can relate with you really well here. You need answers,you are a parent now, and you want to know what exactly happened. I agree with T & D, don't involve your mother, if you feel that she will not understand, or if it will hurt her more. Try to contact your biological father, if he responds back well and good, you will atleast have some answers, But if he doesn't you will know that he was like that 30 years back too. Sometimes action speak more than words right? I wish you good luck and Peace. Do what you think is right for you, don't think about everyone else around you. Life is too short and regrets later on hurt more.

    Take care,

  5. Thanks Nids! I am going to start with asking my adopted parents for more details on the divorce. Next step to contact him - very scary, am sure I will chicken out a bit and will need couple of months to muster up courage again.

  6. Sonia,
    It sounds to me that you are a kind of person who does not like lose threads. I agree with T & Ds comments. Go on be in touch and close the chapter or begin a new one depending on how it goes.
    Your mother never told you how much she suffered or what exactly she suffered mainly because she dint want you to suffer. Thats what I think. In a way, she dint damage your mind with bad images of your fatehr. She simply said she couldnt take it anymore.
    All said and done, I would suggest you to respond to that urge within you. But yes, take your husbands support in this matter.

  7. follow your heart...i think we all deserves our answers...all the best.

    question is if you can live with those answers. This could hurt you , you know that dont u? But I hope you do it anyway...atleast for the sake of regretting when u r older that u didnt do it when u had the chance...

    life is already mysterious enuf without the need for all , you go girl!

  8. Sigh..Tys its a difficult decision. For now, I am praying to God that I randomly bump into him somewhere and can get to chat with him without going through the whole protocol and involving/notifying any of my family....if life were that simple!