Waiting...

R is taking my whole bed rest-Mommy is sick, pretty hard. She has been crying without any reason and insisting that Mommy plays with her/takes her to the park/picks her up/feeds her and on and on. It doesnt help even if Grandma is around the whole time, there is no replacement for Mommy. I am also so tired of the fatigue, the constant sleepiness (side effect of the progesterone shots) and the suspense.

Today I feel like all my pregnancy symptoms (I didnt have many but I had one left - constant hunger) have all vanished. I feel empty inside. I feel like my pregnancy has terminated. Without modern medical inventions to confirm it, I know its gone.

I just want to get back to normal life, I was actually joking about wanting to have a D&C done as early as possible so I will be back on my feet to cook a Thanksgiving meal and shop the sales. I am not being insensitive or not that I dont care about a miscarriage. I think I am trying to condition my mind into being brave and looking at the bright side of things, maybe it was not meant to be for a reason.

I do know I will cry my heart out tomorrow when the ultrasound technician pronounces the final verdict, even though I am mentally preparing myself to listen to the words - No heartbeat, it still sends up a chill everytime I imagine it. I know I will break down when I hear it and its real. I also know that it must have been for the best and I must put my trust in God and believe that I will get pregnant again soon and will have a wonderful healthy child. This is my dukh and I have to go through it.

I am also strongly blocking out the past - thoughts of what could have been and missed opportunities - is there any point of crying over spilt milk? I am also not going to think of the future and freak myself out thinking about - What if I cant get pregnant? What if I never have a baby?. I am only going to live in the present, take it day by day and hope that good things in life will come to me....

Just cant wait for the new year.............