No SAD WAD

One of my friend's mother in law passed away suddenly. Ever since I have been thinking about end of life and fast forwarding many years from now, and would I be okay if I passed away suddenly. I also look at the other family/friends around me, who are retired and muse upon their lives, some see their past with satisfaction, some with regrets. My grandmother who was widowed at fifty always looked back on her life and claimed she had the best husband in the world and that she led a peaceful and satisfied life, even in her old age, she was fiercely independent and led a calm serene life. And then there are others who have so many regrets in their lives......wouldnt it be nice to turn back thirty years from now and say - I wouldnt have changed a thing if I had to live my life all over again. But as I think about it more and more, I feel satisfaction or dissatisfaction with ones life is completely dependent on the personality of the person involved. Some people are just not happy or satisfied in any condition and vice versa.

Anyways after spending a frustrating couple of hours in the evening thinking I am so bored, I did a root cause analysis on myself. Why am I bored? Because I am fat, I dont exercise, I am overweight, I have a deliverable due at work on Monday which I am not prepared for at all, which means working through the weekend, which I hate to do, I feel guilty, I am not spending enough quality time with R, I wonder if I am pregnant, if I am pregnant then I will get fatter, I wish I would have lost some weight before I get pregnant, Oh god, please dont delay my pregnancy for this, I want to get pregnant asap.....see how my mind flies!!!

Anyways I have decided I am losing track of whats important in life, apart from the usual grind of home, work, home, family; I also need to make time for me. I had decided 2 years back that I would do something for myself every year, something to enrich ME, this life is too short and there is an ocean of knowledge out there, we cant even begin to touch a drop of it in one lifetime. So 2008 was my Spanish classes (we can ignore the fact that I cant remember any of it as I dont use it). 2009 was my half marathon. I havent yet decided what I should be doing for 2010!!

When P woke up, he said "Look at the big picture always", dont let yourself be bogged down by minor stresses. So when I think of 2010, I cant think past a baby and I am stressed in my mind about when will I get pregnant, will I have a normal pregnancy, will I have another miscarriage and so on.....I have to look past it and then think about what should I do for myself....

Anyways baby steps, I made a list of all my things to do over the weekend (20 things yeeesh). I and R played with her toy kitchen; she made a complete nutritious meal for me and then served it to me so nicely, forks and plates and glasses. It boosted my morale, she is learning about whats right, whats wrong - eat your vegetables, dessert only if you finish your mamm mamum, the tea is hot etc..It was so nice and relaxing.......there is no reason for me to waste any time in unhappiness, or blame boredom on the weather outside, there should always be summer in my heart and I will always be warm and happy...