A new year, a new start

My new year resolution for this year onwards is to remain positive and to worry less, especially about things in the future. And I have realised that most of my worries are about hypothetical situations in the future. What if this happens and what if that happens etc etc.

I do want to get back into shape and want to get fitter. I find that just by merely sticking to any exercise routine and getting fit works absolute marvelous wonders in all other aspects of my life. When I was training for the half marathon, I would run by myself on weekdays and run with a group on Sunday early mornings. The early morning runs were so therapeutic! Its so immensely peaceful to run outside on a beautiful summer day, early in the morning. The state park where I ran, had deer grazing in the meadows and on many occasions we saw a Mommy deer with her babies. It was a super start to the day...I crave it and wish to run a half marathon this year too, lets see.

So when I was all hit and fit, I had an elevated sense of self worth and self esteem. Clothes fit better, I had more energy and I found myself signing up to try out new things - like I signed up to play volleyball on our department team (and we won too; no thanks to me, we had expert players on our team hehe). The fundu effects of exercise/working out are not over rated. They are really true. Plus once you run something, you get bragging rights forever, I might be sagging in all places I should be holding firm and looking like a scrawny cat but people look at me with respect in their eyes when I say I ran a marathon ;) Maybe its not respect and its shock - "Really, this sack of potatoes ran a marathon, who is she kidding" ;)

To take a step in that direction, I have joined this huge flashy gym in our area. Its a huge building with everything under one roof - basket ball courts, racquetball, tennis, swimming, yoga and all the usual treadmills, weights etc. Very intimidating too. I went in for a fitness assessment which basically said that my body age is 42 as compared to my chronological age of 33 :( My flexibility sucks and my cardiovascular fitness is poor. My bicep strength is fair but surprisingly 66% of my body mass is lean! Yay!! Something to celebrate ;) Well, I need to lose about 25 pounds to reach my "ideal" body :) Easy peasy huh..I have decided my goal is to lose 12 pounds over the next three months. Have taken two personal trainer sessions and am going to go work out EVERYDAY. Say a prayer for me ;)

On the positivity resolution; I react, stress, worry, obsess and then let it go - and I have decided to do all of this in under an hour. Nothing gets carried forward to the next day EVER. When I had my miscarriage, I was convinced I would soon be holding a healthy happy baby, and exactly a year later, I was holding my beautiful smiling baby S. I am going to stay positive and think happy thoughts always.

I have a super nanny; Touch wood, anti jinx spells and all....she has the "Most Important Person" in my life status, almost neck to neck with P, R and S and my parents and all ;) Its easy to rely on her, know that baby S is being loved and cared for and focus on myself - finding a good job, working out and the zillion exciting things to be done around the house like organizing our office, filing bills away and preparing the tax returns! Sigh...

All in all I am happy today! How are you doing?

Growing up and other..

Eleven some years ago I boarded a flight to USA, a naive young girl, newly married and moving away from her parents for the first time ever in her life. On the leg from London to my city, an elderly British lady befriended me. I think we bonded over our common fear of the airplane restroom and the possibility of being stuck inside if the doors wouldnt open (AI used to have those heavy doors which you had to push in the middle to open, havent seen them since!).

The lady was on her way to see her grandson for the first time. When we landed and got through customs, she introduced me to her son and her grandson - a cute baby sitting in his stroller. I immediately bent down and talked to him and then did the unthinkable - touched his cheek. I can never forget the hasty pull back of the stroller by his father and the horrified annoyed look I got from him. I simply couldnt understand what it is, that I had done wrong when P explained to me that some folks dont like strangers touching their babies - especially when you have gotten off an international flight.

Now almost 11 years and 2 kids later, I can relate to that father. I dont know if being in this country has changed me or its the whole motherhood quotient or I have grown wiser and know the ways of the world or whatever.....I might also cringe if a complete stranger holds my baby at the airport - fresh off an international flight, maybe, might not but the possibility is there :)

I remember being amused when my school friend visited and he kissed R over and over again, unabashedly like a doting Uncle would to his favorite niece. Is it this country? Or is it me? Or is it because you are forced to grow up when you leave home and the comfort of your family and friends and have to set up your life and start all over again in new unfamiliar surroundings? Does that make you hesitant to display emotions, teach you to be more guarded, teach you to protect yourself from not displaying either extreme happiness or sadness? I dont know...

For now, I wanted to remember this incident as one of my distant acquaintances visits - a niece of my neighbor's in India. She is newly married and recently moved here. Is visiting my city during this long weekend and suddenly called me up this week to say she would like to come over. Called me twice during the day when I was sleeping and then feeding baby S and couldnt get to the phone, the third time she left an angry message saying "I cant reach you, just send me your address so I can come over". First of all I am not even pally pally with this female, secondly I have a month old infant, maybe some understanding if I dont return your call asap, atleast give me 4 hours from your last call and thirdly its the long weekend, could you please ask us if we have any plans, family visiting to see the baby etc and we might have some preferences on when we would like her to visit. Anyways I did talk nicely to her and have invited her for dinner today but it made me think.

Is it being a new mother all over again and I am tired and sleep deprived and dont have the enthu to entertain non friends, non relatives - I dont even know what category she falls into...Have I changed that now I expect people to give me formal notice of when they will visit? Actually as I type this, I realise, its not that....even in India you would call someone if you have driven 6 hours to visit their city and will drive another 45 minutes to go see them, wouldnt you want to make sure they are home and available to entertain? Especially if they have an infant at home....

Anyways....open your mind S and be more understanding, a little more patient and a bit more welcoming and give her the benefit of doubt. And when the clock chimes ten, excuse yourself and go to bed..

Edited to add: They did visit and were very sweet. She is rough around the edges but he is very very nice! I was glad we had put together a nice dinner and were available to chat nicely. They also left at ten when I had already started yawning....Have resolved to be more friendlier and welcoming to new acquaintances..

I dont want to forget....

- the giddy happiness when I first saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test.
- the feeling of relief when the initial blood test results come out normal
- the first feeling of movement inside my tummy (I cant believe I find that fascinating now, there was a time when as a teenager, the concept of anyone gushing over a baby inside a tummy sounded alien and weird to me)
- the first kick
- the excitement and anticipation when the nurse announces - you are ready, start pushing...
- the final push and the sudden drop in weight/pressure
- the choking-I cant breathe-should I smile or should I cry-overwhelmed with emotions moment when they hand the baby to you - this is my baby and she is an independent person now
- the soft soft cheeks against your own
- the little warm bundle
- the wrinkled, webbed, tiny, pink baby
- marvelling at how she fills out her body in a matter of weeks
- sweet baby breath
- the way she gazes at me intently with those beautiful beautiful eyes
- to hold that sweet sweet baby close to you, to kiss her soft hair, to hear her breathing and to keep hugging her

This is my last baby and I want to hold on, hold on to these early special days with a newborn infant. They grow up so quick and before you know it, these days fade into distant memories.

I find nowadays that I cant conjure up the exact emotions I felt at important occasions in my life or maybe I felt they were important at those times and they really werent. Which makes for an interesting experiment in your life - look back and think about which occurences can bring the same reaction to you even now and if you cant, then it wasnt really that valuable. For example - my CA results, I remember how all of us friends gathered around to view the results and then thats it, no matter how much I try, I cant bring up the reaction of the happiness I felt when I passed. I feel nothing now.

On the other hand, if I even think about my grandmother's death, and remember how I woke up early morning with my brother telling me about it over the phone, tears immediately spring to my eyes, even now, after 9 years. Same about my best friend's dad; there is a dull ache in my heart when I recall the day(s).

My wedding night, I can still smile at the memory and fall in love with P all over again, even after ten years.

Maybe this is what life is telling me, do not stress over the things which really dont matter so much....For now, I am just happy - plain and simple. Thank you God!! Happy Diwali to all of you and hope the rest of the year brings peace and happiness to all of you.

Our little princess is here !!!

She came a whole 20 days early and chose her own special birthdate 10-10-10 :))

We are home now and everything went smooth and she is just so cute!! I have completely fallen in love with her :)) R is beyond herself with excitement and is reading stories, singing songs, offering toys, kissing her non stop and just being a whirlwind of happiness.

R also asked me if I had another baby in my tummy and then why is it still so big! Hmmphh Thanks for the information darling...Mommy is going to look pregnant for a long long time

And on another unrelated note, look at the coincidence. this is my 100th post!!

Thanks for all of your good wishes and vibes and support all through my miscarriage last year through pregnancy! So on top of the world right now :) Wishing all of you incredible happiness too...

Updates and updates

In this series, my boss finally left on vacation today and all the urgent deadlines have dissolved. I breathed a sigh of relief and was looking forward to relaxing. Went to my doctor's who said the baby is in launch position, I am already four cms dilated which means the baby is due any day now!! So suddenly I am all flustered again, thinking about what needs to be done etc - work and on the baby front....

So doing what calms me the most, taking stock of what needs to be done and then doing it :) List literally starts with - 1) Finalise baby name :( I am terrified of visions of holding the baby in my arms and not having a name for her yet...

Thats all for now....Will give you good news soon....

Letter to myself

Dear Sonia,

Next time you and P get into an argument or get mad at each other, remember not to try to give him the silent treatment, its not going to work, you will not win, you will just torture yourself for many hours during which you can cry/sit with a Meena Kumari look on your face or try to starve yourself and none of these things will register on him because he will go into super ice cold stubborn - eyes and ears closed mode.

Next time it will be better if you yell and end the fight in five seconds flat and spare yourself the agony.

Remember genes - its very very very hard to shrug off genetic inheritance and upbringing. All the things that you do not like in your in laws are transferred to your husband, its his default setting so try to be more accomodating and understanding. Any change takes time.

You are a positive person, one who has always been told and taught by your parents that "Happiness comes from within, one cannot always look for situations/people to make oneself happy" so remember that and always keep the big picture in mind.

The truth is that P, no matter how dense and stubborn he may seem at times loves you to death. He will not be able to function for a minute without you. He might not communicate his love but it is evident in his own way. Please accept that you do not have a romantic gushy husband who will verbally proclaim his love for you. But you have a husband who will stand by your side no matter what and hold your hand (i.e. if you dont let go first, if you do, then its back to sulk master and dont expect him to even try to coax you back etc, so dont try that, he will live in misery for a lifetime but will not abandon his ego/self esteem issues to manvofy you, understand and accept).

Set aside the petty/silly things which are so common to any marriage, a result of two people, man and woman staying together and bickering sometimes. Look at the big picture and you will realise what you have is awesome! Love, respect, admiration, moral support and loyalty is all there, open your eyes and look when its fight time..

Dont freak out over remote possibilities in the future. You will find a way, you will find a way together.

So the next time you feel the urge to weep over silly arguments like a newly married drama queen, pull up this post and chill.

The known errors of my life (Aka Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni)

I vaguely remember reading somewhere about people calling to apologize for things they have done to other people in the past etc – for closure etc – blah blah and while I am all for “let sleeping dogs lie kinda philosophy”; it did make me think about the mean things I have knowingly/unknowingly done and regret (not so much that I lose sleep over it) but do regret…..This awesome post triggered one such memory for me…so here goes….

1) I can’t even remember how old/young I was, but I was in primary school (somewhere between 1st standard to fourth standard) and we had been having a problem with stuff vanishing from our school bags when our class would be out for recess. Small stuff like pencil boxes, erasers, books and what not, which after a point of time added up. A small group of me and my friends decided to hide behind/under the desks etc to catch the culprit. We did this for many days in a row, the rest of the memory is blurred but I can remember being taken by the teachers from room to room to identify the “thief” from his class. I remember following the teacher to the packed classrooms and looking around at all the boys (it was a guy who we had detected, I think) and then I had pointed one out to the teachers. Even now after all these years, I doubt if it was the right guy :( And it nags at my conscience – what if I had pointed out a perfectly innocent boy and bechara has life long trauma and psychological issues because of me :( Why did I not say that I was confused and all boys looked the same to me :( but anyways this was a long time ago and I have made my peace with it, I refuse to let it bother me ;) If I was wrong, I am picturing the teachers say Sorry to the boy on my behalf and shake their heads and swear never to believe a young bacchi again.

2) Fast forward to 6th-7th standard when I went on a family vacation to one of the islands off the coast of Southern India. It was a one day one night travel by ship to get to the islands. On the way to the beautiful islands, I got miserably sea sick and spent most of my time throwing up. On the way back, I had my sea legs and was free to wander around the ship while the rest of our group was lying down miserable in their bunks all tired and sick. I got to be friends with the kitchen staff and one of the cooks who specially made limbu paani (lemonade) for me every time I walked upstairs plus whatever snacks I wanted etc. When our ship was docking, he asked me to give me my home address so he could keep in touch. I blindly followed him through the maze of corridors into the depth of the ship’s lower quarters to his room. And entered it, and sat down in his chair while the door closed and started writing my address. Somewhere during that time I felt something take over me, a strange panic which I couldn’t explain at that age as I looked around the room and realized where I was, far away from my parents, at the mercy of this stranger, everyone on board pretty much busy with the docking/landing procedures. I slowly wrote out my address, blurted out that my parents were waiting for me and would launch a complete search party if I didn’t show up, they were paranoid that way blah blah and ran to the door, he was blocking my way and then he turned and let me pass and I opened the door and ran through the maze miraculously finding my way to the upper deck and my parents! Am such an idiot!!

3) Fast forward to tenth standard, my building friend and I had somehow gotten into this routine of writing letters to each other. We went to different schools but lived one floor apart from each other. My mother accidentally intercepted and read one of my letters and it so happened that I had written a sob story about how I felt like an orphan in it. The drama of an immature teenager :( My mother was so heart broken when she read it. I was in the middle of my board exams so my father took her out. When they returned her eyes were red and puffy. My mother is not prone to tears, she rarely cries. And I had made her sob. She came back and told me that even in her deepest dreams she never differentiated between me and my sister and why would I even think about it. My father diffused the situation by saying lets discuss after her exams are over etc. I did provide an explanation, there was one, there was a reason why I felt the way I did and it had nothing to do with lack of love or affection from my parents, it was due to the brainwashing which her mother, my grandmother had inflicted on me. And we have resolved that feeling and my mother and I have always been super close all our lives. She is truly my mother in every sense.

4) On to SYBCom, I had appeared for my Chartered Accountancy Intermediate examinations and all of us friends went to view our results at the Institute. My boss at the time had been mean enough to not give me enough preparation time so by the time I entered the library armed with my books, my friends were on to their second round of revision. I was doomed from the beginning, sorta. My sister accompanied us to see our results. I remember the horrible sinking feeling I felt when I didn’t see my name on the board and every single friend of mine had passed. I was the only one who failed. And turning around and taking it out on my sister – saying through tears those mean words – I failed because you came with me, you gave me bad luck. I have no words for how much I regret saying it to her. It was so baseless, unreasonable and downright mean. Over the years I have never mustered up courage to bring up that memory again and apologize to her for it or ask her if she remembers it and feels bad about it. We are extremely close and love each other a lot and I am scared to bring up ghosts of past – of our childhood/youth when we might have unknowingly, immaturely said mean things to each other. But this is one incident I wish I could take back :(

How about you? What known errors have you made?