Growing up and other..

Eleven some years ago I boarded a flight to USA, a naive young girl, newly married and moving away from her parents for the first time ever in her life. On the leg from London to my city, an elderly British lady befriended me. I think we bonded over our common fear of the airplane restroom and the possibility of being stuck inside if the doors wouldnt open (AI used to have those heavy doors which you had to push in the middle to open, havent seen them since!).

The lady was on her way to see her grandson for the first time. When we landed and got through customs, she introduced me to her son and her grandson - a cute baby sitting in his stroller. I immediately bent down and talked to him and then did the unthinkable - touched his cheek. I can never forget the hasty pull back of the stroller by his father and the horrified annoyed look I got from him. I simply couldnt understand what it is, that I had done wrong when P explained to me that some folks dont like strangers touching their babies - especially when you have gotten off an international flight.

Now almost 11 years and 2 kids later, I can relate to that father. I dont know if being in this country has changed me or its the whole motherhood quotient or I have grown wiser and know the ways of the world or whatever.....I might also cringe if a complete stranger holds my baby at the airport - fresh off an international flight, maybe, might not but the possibility is there :)

I remember being amused when my school friend visited and he kissed R over and over again, unabashedly like a doting Uncle would to his favorite niece. Is it this country? Or is it me? Or is it because you are forced to grow up when you leave home and the comfort of your family and friends and have to set up your life and start all over again in new unfamiliar surroundings? Does that make you hesitant to display emotions, teach you to be more guarded, teach you to protect yourself from not displaying either extreme happiness or sadness? I dont know...

For now, I wanted to remember this incident as one of my distant acquaintances visits - a niece of my neighbor's in India. She is newly married and recently moved here. Is visiting my city during this long weekend and suddenly called me up this week to say she would like to come over. Called me twice during the day when I was sleeping and then feeding baby S and couldnt get to the phone, the third time she left an angry message saying "I cant reach you, just send me your address so I can come over". First of all I am not even pally pally with this female, secondly I have a month old infant, maybe some understanding if I dont return your call asap, atleast give me 4 hours from your last call and thirdly its the long weekend, could you please ask us if we have any plans, family visiting to see the baby etc and we might have some preferences on when we would like her to visit. Anyways I did talk nicely to her and have invited her for dinner today but it made me think.

Is it being a new mother all over again and I am tired and sleep deprived and dont have the enthu to entertain non friends, non relatives - I dont even know what category she falls into...Have I changed that now I expect people to give me formal notice of when they will visit? Actually as I type this, I realise, its not that....even in India you would call someone if you have driven 6 hours to visit their city and will drive another 45 minutes to go see them, wouldnt you want to make sure they are home and available to entertain? Especially if they have an infant at home....

Anyways....open your mind S and be more understanding, a little more patient and a bit more welcoming and give her the benefit of doubt. And when the clock chimes ten, excuse yourself and go to bed..

Edited to add: They did visit and were very sweet. She is rough around the edges but he is very very nice! I was glad we had put together a nice dinner and were available to chat nicely. They also left at ten when I had already started yawning....Have resolved to be more friendlier and welcoming to new acquaintances..

I dont want to forget....

- the giddy happiness when I first saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test.
- the feeling of relief when the initial blood test results come out normal
- the first feeling of movement inside my tummy (I cant believe I find that fascinating now, there was a time when as a teenager, the concept of anyone gushing over a baby inside a tummy sounded alien and weird to me)
- the first kick
- the excitement and anticipation when the nurse announces - you are ready, start pushing...
- the final push and the sudden drop in weight/pressure
- the choking-I cant breathe-should I smile or should I cry-overwhelmed with emotions moment when they hand the baby to you - this is my baby and she is an independent person now
- the soft soft cheeks against your own
- the little warm bundle
- the wrinkled, webbed, tiny, pink baby
- marvelling at how she fills out her body in a matter of weeks
- sweet baby breath
- the way she gazes at me intently with those beautiful beautiful eyes
- to hold that sweet sweet baby close to you, to kiss her soft hair, to hear her breathing and to keep hugging her

This is my last baby and I want to hold on, hold on to these early special days with a newborn infant. They grow up so quick and before you know it, these days fade into distant memories.

I find nowadays that I cant conjure up the exact emotions I felt at important occasions in my life or maybe I felt they were important at those times and they really werent. Which makes for an interesting experiment in your life - look back and think about which occurences can bring the same reaction to you even now and if you cant, then it wasnt really that valuable. For example - my CA results, I remember how all of us friends gathered around to view the results and then thats it, no matter how much I try, I cant bring up the reaction of the happiness I felt when I passed. I feel nothing now.

On the other hand, if I even think about my grandmother's death, and remember how I woke up early morning with my brother telling me about it over the phone, tears immediately spring to my eyes, even now, after 9 years. Same about my best friend's dad; there is a dull ache in my heart when I recall the day(s).

My wedding night, I can still smile at the memory and fall in love with P all over again, even after ten years.

Maybe this is what life is telling me, do not stress over the things which really dont matter so much....For now, I am just happy - plain and simple. Thank you God!! Happy Diwali to all of you and hope the rest of the year brings peace and happiness to all of you.

Our little princess is here !!!

She came a whole 20 days early and chose her own special birthdate 10-10-10 :))

We are home now and everything went smooth and she is just so cute!! I have completely fallen in love with her :)) R is beyond herself with excitement and is reading stories, singing songs, offering toys, kissing her non stop and just being a whirlwind of happiness.

R also asked me if I had another baby in my tummy and then why is it still so big! Hmmphh Thanks for the information darling...Mommy is going to look pregnant for a long long time

And on another unrelated note, look at the coincidence. this is my 100th post!!

Thanks for all of your good wishes and vibes and support all through my miscarriage last year through pregnancy! So on top of the world right now :) Wishing all of you incredible happiness too...

Updates and updates

In this series, my boss finally left on vacation today and all the urgent deadlines have dissolved. I breathed a sigh of relief and was looking forward to relaxing. Went to my doctor's who said the baby is in launch position, I am already four cms dilated which means the baby is due any day now!! So suddenly I am all flustered again, thinking about what needs to be done etc - work and on the baby front....

So doing what calms me the most, taking stock of what needs to be done and then doing it :) List literally starts with - 1) Finalise baby name :( I am terrified of visions of holding the baby in my arms and not having a name for her yet...

Thats all for now....Will give you good news soon....

Letter to myself

Dear Sonia,

Next time you and P get into an argument or get mad at each other, remember not to try to give him the silent treatment, its not going to work, you will not win, you will just torture yourself for many hours during which you can cry/sit with a Meena Kumari look on your face or try to starve yourself and none of these things will register on him because he will go into super ice cold stubborn - eyes and ears closed mode.

Next time it will be better if you yell and end the fight in five seconds flat and spare yourself the agony.

Remember genes - its very very very hard to shrug off genetic inheritance and upbringing. All the things that you do not like in your in laws are transferred to your husband, its his default setting so try to be more accomodating and understanding. Any change takes time.

You are a positive person, one who has always been told and taught by your parents that "Happiness comes from within, one cannot always look for situations/people to make oneself happy" so remember that and always keep the big picture in mind.

The truth is that P, no matter how dense and stubborn he may seem at times loves you to death. He will not be able to function for a minute without you. He might not communicate his love but it is evident in his own way. Please accept that you do not have a romantic gushy husband who will verbally proclaim his love for you. But you have a husband who will stand by your side no matter what and hold your hand (i.e. if you dont let go first, if you do, then its back to sulk master and dont expect him to even try to coax you back etc, so dont try that, he will live in misery for a lifetime but will not abandon his ego/self esteem issues to manvofy you, understand and accept).

Set aside the petty/silly things which are so common to any marriage, a result of two people, man and woman staying together and bickering sometimes. Look at the big picture and you will realise what you have is awesome! Love, respect, admiration, moral support and loyalty is all there, open your eyes and look when its fight time..

Dont freak out over remote possibilities in the future. You will find a way, you will find a way together.

So the next time you feel the urge to weep over silly arguments like a newly married drama queen, pull up this post and chill.

The known errors of my life (Aka Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni)

I vaguely remember reading somewhere about people calling to apologize for things they have done to other people in the past etc – for closure etc – blah blah and while I am all for “let sleeping dogs lie kinda philosophy”; it did make me think about the mean things I have knowingly/unknowingly done and regret (not so much that I lose sleep over it) but do regret…..This awesome post triggered one such memory for me…so here goes….

1) I can’t even remember how old/young I was, but I was in primary school (somewhere between 1st standard to fourth standard) and we had been having a problem with stuff vanishing from our school bags when our class would be out for recess. Small stuff like pencil boxes, erasers, books and what not, which after a point of time added up. A small group of me and my friends decided to hide behind/under the desks etc to catch the culprit. We did this for many days in a row, the rest of the memory is blurred but I can remember being taken by the teachers from room to room to identify the “thief” from his class. I remember following the teacher to the packed classrooms and looking around at all the boys (it was a guy who we had detected, I think) and then I had pointed one out to the teachers. Even now after all these years, I doubt if it was the right guy :( And it nags at my conscience – what if I had pointed out a perfectly innocent boy and bechara has life long trauma and psychological issues because of me :( Why did I not say that I was confused and all boys looked the same to me :( but anyways this was a long time ago and I have made my peace with it, I refuse to let it bother me ;) If I was wrong, I am picturing the teachers say Sorry to the boy on my behalf and shake their heads and swear never to believe a young bacchi again.

2) Fast forward to 6th-7th standard when I went on a family vacation to one of the islands off the coast of Southern India. It was a one day one night travel by ship to get to the islands. On the way to the beautiful islands, I got miserably sea sick and spent most of my time throwing up. On the way back, I had my sea legs and was free to wander around the ship while the rest of our group was lying down miserable in their bunks all tired and sick. I got to be friends with the kitchen staff and one of the cooks who specially made limbu paani (lemonade) for me every time I walked upstairs plus whatever snacks I wanted etc. When our ship was docking, he asked me to give me my home address so he could keep in touch. I blindly followed him through the maze of corridors into the depth of the ship’s lower quarters to his room. And entered it, and sat down in his chair while the door closed and started writing my address. Somewhere during that time I felt something take over me, a strange panic which I couldn’t explain at that age as I looked around the room and realized where I was, far away from my parents, at the mercy of this stranger, everyone on board pretty much busy with the docking/landing procedures. I slowly wrote out my address, blurted out that my parents were waiting for me and would launch a complete search party if I didn’t show up, they were paranoid that way blah blah and ran to the door, he was blocking my way and then he turned and let me pass and I opened the door and ran through the maze miraculously finding my way to the upper deck and my parents! Am such an idiot!!

3) Fast forward to tenth standard, my building friend and I had somehow gotten into this routine of writing letters to each other. We went to different schools but lived one floor apart from each other. My mother accidentally intercepted and read one of my letters and it so happened that I had written a sob story about how I felt like an orphan in it. The drama of an immature teenager :( My mother was so heart broken when she read it. I was in the middle of my board exams so my father took her out. When they returned her eyes were red and puffy. My mother is not prone to tears, she rarely cries. And I had made her sob. She came back and told me that even in her deepest dreams she never differentiated between me and my sister and why would I even think about it. My father diffused the situation by saying lets discuss after her exams are over etc. I did provide an explanation, there was one, there was a reason why I felt the way I did and it had nothing to do with lack of love or affection from my parents, it was due to the brainwashing which her mother, my grandmother had inflicted on me. And we have resolved that feeling and my mother and I have always been super close all our lives. She is truly my mother in every sense.

4) On to SYBCom, I had appeared for my Chartered Accountancy Intermediate examinations and all of us friends went to view our results at the Institute. My boss at the time had been mean enough to not give me enough preparation time so by the time I entered the library armed with my books, my friends were on to their second round of revision. I was doomed from the beginning, sorta. My sister accompanied us to see our results. I remember the horrible sinking feeling I felt when I didn’t see my name on the board and every single friend of mine had passed. I was the only one who failed. And turning around and taking it out on my sister – saying through tears those mean words – I failed because you came with me, you gave me bad luck. I have no words for how much I regret saying it to her. It was so baseless, unreasonable and downright mean. Over the years I have never mustered up courage to bring up that memory again and apologize to her for it or ask her if she remembers it and feels bad about it. We are extremely close and love each other a lot and I am scared to bring up ghosts of past – of our childhood/youth when we might have unknowingly, immaturely said mean things to each other. But this is one incident I wish I could take back :(

How about you? What known errors have you made?

We are having a girl!!!

Yesterday I crashed on the sofa after work...I thought I would feel better after eating dinner but nearly passed out in the bathroom so as I sat sobbing on the bed - thoroughly annoyed by my exhaustion, I pleaded with P to get the envelope with the baby's gender written in it. Flashback - we had decided to not find out the gender of the baby and keep it a surprise. Then at the last minute, I lost my resolve and asked the ultrasound technician to write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. P knows how bad I am with keeping secrets so he had hidden it away somewhere safely...

So back to story - I just wanted one less thing unknown about the future so P got the envelope, we asked R to read the note. Poor girl told us sincerely "But Mommy, I cant read". We said Its okay, just read the alphabets one at a time. She started with G.......and the rest is history. We are gonna have two girls (R and the baby, not twins)!!!

P was completely fine while I actually sat there and for a moment felt like I had failed something. I am still so embarassed and shocked at myself; its so unreal. Why would I ever even think like that? But anyways his mother, my birth mom, his aunts were all counting on a boy and I knew they would all be disappointed when we give them the news. Then I panicked and thought if I could be able to love another girl as much as I loved R. After all illogical thoughts and worries zoomed by, I relaxed and I am actually much much calmer now.

I feel like I can do this. This seems like a familiar road. We are already set on all the clothes and other accessories. Granted this baby will be a unique individual, I feel like we can definitely leverage our lessons learnt from R. I have already started dreaming about redecorating R's room, buying doll houses and such. The sisters growing up, maybe hating each other but then becoming best friends as they grow older. I have a brother and a sister and while I cannot say who I would pick if I had the choice to have only one sibling, I still feel that girls who dont have sisters yearn for one all their life.

So thats it - its another baby girl :)))

Oh and my birth mom did say to me that she was hoping for a boy so the picture would be complete and we would have a model family - Oh sigh....my family is picture perfect anyways with a wonderful husband and two healthy girls - what more could I want? :)

Aal izz well

Ladies, the fastest way to obtain inner peace is to sabotage your husband's career and make sure that he is always at your beck and call :)

1) I requested P to come home by six at the latest everyday so he would be around to deal with R.
Is it hypocritical that I do not want to have anything to do with my first born child while I wait for another kid to be born? I am perfectly content to do my own thing and be left on my own in the evenings nowadays. It lets me relax and destress and not feel guilty about spending quality time with R, atleast one of us is and she is happy and smiling.....and yes, she is bonding more with Daddy and my most-important-person status is being lost, for which I felt the slightest pang of jealousy which quickly faded away.
2) So P leaves real early and gets back around the same time as we land. He works with this dynamic group of youngsters who have no life and work around the clock in the office and here is P trying to hold his own while balancing his work-life. But I will not regret it, this is temporary.
3) I asked my colleague to help me with my August end deadline project, after all he is the one I am transitioning the project to, when I go on my maternity leave/last day of work with my company.
4) I took half a day off from work yesterday and surprisingly the world didnt screech to an end. I took a looong nap in the afternoon and woke up super refreshed.
5) I am avoiding my boss so she doesnt feel the urge to dump new responsibilities/initiatives on me.
6) I reached out to my childhood best friends and my mother that I was going into depression and they all frantically called me back and shook me up and reminded me of how strong I was and how illogically I was thinking and stressing and it helped.
7) You guys helped too!!! My virtual friends - Thanks so much for your sweet comments and concern!!
8) To hell with being scared of the insulin shots, I will cry over it when I have to take the first shot.
9) Likewise I will cry/freak out over the future when scary things happen - I remain unemployed for more than six months, my in laws land and nothing has changed from the past and it gets stressful, I dont find a nanny who almost loves my kid as much as I do - believe me, the caretaker at R's home daycare absolutely adored her, there are people like that out there.
10) I dont look fat at all, in fact I look super cute!

What is that saying about the past is history, the future is a mystery but the present is a gift? So I am going to cherish this gift - my present.....and be grateful for all the wonderful things I have in life - my strong supportive family, the mere fact that I am pregnant and will have a second baby (there are so many in this world who want their own child and cant have one), my career, my health, my life.....and my friends - both real life and virtual...Thanks!

Where are you?

My internal happiness - where are you? I used to pride myself on my ability to bounce back from everything - I would convince myself that whatever I am going through isnt so bad and would get better and smile. And I cant seem to do that anymore. All through my childhood, when the going got tough, I would look into my eyes in the mirror and tell myself that this too shall pass and I will come through at the other end. Now I cannot bear to look at myself. Where did my inner confidence go?

And what is the reason for all this stupid stress - my deadlines at work? My constant need to outperform and keep up to the high expectations people have from me at work? Why cant I just tell my boss - this is it, please get me resources to help, I need to chill. Why do I need to pretend I am wonderwoman and can manage everything beautifully.

Last summer my in laws were visiting, every evening after work, I would be in the kitchen cooking dinner while R would act out and get annoyed that Mommy wasnt available to play with her. I would hate being indoors when we have beautiful warm weather for a couple of months only. This summer, I have no such restrictions apart from the fact that I am tired and R has no interest in going out in the evenings plus its hotter this year. I feel like I am wasting away the precious few summer weekdays when I can think about going for a walk. Soon it will be winter and I will be stuck inside.

But things could definitely be worse than this, then why do I not appreciate what I have right now and smile? Why cant I be more happy go lucky and believe in myself and believe that things will work out in the future and just let go of all my anxieties and enjoy the present? As much as I would like to have three kids, I dont think I can go through pregnancy again so this might be my last planned pregnancy ever, so why dont I enjoy this phase in my life? So many Why's and who has the answer to it?

Future worries:
1) Omg I wont have a job next year
2) I will have a young young infant and will need to look for another job
3) Will I find a company to work for which is as accomodating and flexible to working mothers as my current company is?
4) I have to find a nanny - a super nanny who will take awesome care of my baby and cook and clean. Where is this mystery magical person?
5) When I barely get my affairs in order - job, nanny, infant on schedule, R happy, summer approaching, us looking forward to a relaxed summer; the in-laws will land here and send my stress levels sky rocketing again.
6) If I am as tired then as I am now, my in laws visiting will surely break me.
7) I can't refuse for them to visit, I can't be that mean daughter in law and forbid parents to visit their son and grandkids. (And sister in law is useless, she will invite them over for the usual month or so and that is it)

Current worries:
1) I am a bad mother. R still wakes up in the middle of the night, she sleeps on the floor on sleeping bags in our room when there are two more rooms with perfectly good beds in them - empty.
2) I might have to take insulin shots. What could be worse than the shot in the bum that I had to endure last time? But still, these are shots and me no want any pain.
3) August 31st - my deadline for an important work project and as I have owned it through planning, execution of initial phases and reporting; I refuse to have to let go in the last phase or share credit with anyone else :( And is this stupid pride causing me sleepless nights?
4) I need someone to tell me I look good - I just need this vanity.

Well I dont really have many current worries, do I? So all the fear is for the unknown, the future :) so maybe I need to work on how to manage stress and worry about crossing the bridge when I get to it and all that fun stuff :)

More cribbing...

I have cried every single evening this week...I am perpetually depressed and stressed. I am being mean to everyone who is close to me and offer helpful suggestions and advice and polite for no reason to outsiders who dont really care and are idiots. Have you ever noticed how u can sometimes tend to vent your anger on your close family and friends while you reserve the politest of smiles and diplomatic of answers for the rest of the world? Why dont we focus on the people that matter and be equally patient with them? My Dad used to keep saying to me - You have a MBA degree, why dont you use the same principles of managing difficult people interactions which you so successfully apply at work, at home - with my in laws. But I could never do it; while I stay calm through storms at work, the slightest ripple at home would break me. I guess because nothing at work is personal (atleast thats what I tell myself) while the minute you step into the house, everything is (which I should pretend isnt).

I have gestational diabetes now - hooray - and while my readings were so normal when I had taken a week off and chilled out at my brothers with my Mom cooking snacks and meals for me, they are consistently out of range and higher ever since I have been back home :( I dread pain, I have gone through a lot of it between this pregnancy and the last miscarriage and I dont want to take more. I am scared of having to take insulin injections and I am stressed to keep the sugar levels under control - its not like I am gorging on cakes and pastries, even not eating the right amount, the right stuff at the right time throws the levels out of whack :( Like eating snacks in the middle of the night, which I have done today and I dont care. What else should I do? A pregnant woman in her seventh month tossing and turning - starving? So yes, all the well meaning advice from family/friends of - get food cooked from outside - doesnt help. I got home cooked meals from this punjabi lady and hungrily wolfed down lauki kofta curry and rotis and was going to pass out seeing my reading later that night :( Everytime I see a high reading, I can only picture the injection in my mind.

I am so super swamped at work - I know thats one of my main reasons of BS stress. How how how am I so swamped when my position is going to be terminated end of the year? I am yearning for August to go away, my deadlines to disappear and hopefully a peaceful and quiet September and October to rest and get ready for the next big chapter in my life - being a parent to two kids :)

I keep losing it on P bechara, I think he must be fantasizing about packing a bag and running far far away. We had a detailed ultrasound done (Having gestational diabetes automatically makes it a high risk pregnancy and needs more monitoring) and even though we had told the technician/doctor not to reveal the sex of the baby, she slipped at one point and said "Her" so its most probably a girl. Yesterday he mentioned tiredly that - all of you women are driving me crazy. Poor guy! For his sake, I wanted a boy. Not that the boy wouldnt drive him crazy but atleast it wouldnt be one more in his harem. His mother and sister (though not so much lately) also contribute heavily to leaning on P for everything. Internet doesnt work in India, his mother calls him every single night crying as if its the end of the world. No thought to what must be happening on this side of the line. I would like to think I dont add to his burden but nowadays I am 99% of pregnant-over worked-diabetic wife is driving me crazy- load.

You know what would make all of this go away - if I quit, walk out and say "Thats it, no more, you guys figure out what to do with my pending responsibilities". But I dont have the courage or the desire to do it. I cannot let go of my career, no matter how many times I remind myself and read all those chain letter emails on how when you are ready to die, your family/friends will count and not your co workers etc, I cannot not care about my career. I have worked hard to get where I am and I cannot let go easily. Thats another of my deep buried subconscious stress causant, which I am consciously trying not to acknowledge - the looming pressure of having to find a new job next year.

We were all set to go camping this weekend but I cant do it - half of me is so very enthusiastic to still pull it together and go and the other practical half says "Slow down, get the rest of your things in order". There is a horse riding stable onsite there and R who absolutely loves horses is looking forward to riding a pony. Its a nice camping area, an hour or so away from our place so the driving is not bad and I was looking forward to the last camping trip I would have this year. Plus good company and being outside in the nature....I do want to go. Sigh. Now if I could get a fairy godmother to come help us pack, prepare and pack my diabetic snacks and meals, give me a massage for my aching legs and back, get some work tasks out of the way so next week wont crash on me as soon as I walk in Monday morning, I am all ready to sit back, relax and read a book and enjoy camping...

So what should I do? The next best thing??
I am going to plead with my maternal fetal specialists to give me one more week to get my readings in order.
I am going to ask P to cut up veggies etc so I can cook simple stir fries on Sunday so healthy dinners will be ready for next week.
I am going to get my ass into bed right now and sleep and wake up late.
I will take my laptop over to the campsite so I can get work things out of the way or leave early on Sunday and get it done before Monday...
I am not going to aspire to that image of being a perfect Mom with a beautifully decorated home and frames and pictures put up - R painted such a beautiful picture at school and I was so intent on framing it and hanging it in her room, now its lost somewhere beneath the unending piles of mail. I will not feel guilty about it. First things first...
I will ask for help at work - whats the point in trying to be a super hero and going above and beyond. I need to go above and beyond for myself - by taking care of my health first and then my family.

So prioritize prioritize prioritize - health - physical and mental, smiling family, work :)

Mental smack

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to make myself invisible like Mr.India or possess an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. It would be so very useful to turn invisible and smack moronic people on the head and then resume your conversation with them patiently.

I was so excited when a desi family moved in, just a couple of houses away from us. They have a young daughter and I imagined us bonding over impromptu evening dinners and such. No such luck! The lady of the house; the idiot girl and I really do not share the same wavelength. I actually get along very well and am quite fond of her mother in law, with whom she shares a very uncomfortable relationship with :)

Anyhow, she has a MBA from a leading business school and is quite proud of it but Missy, it doesnt show anywhere, you are still as crass and unsophisticated as the next bum on the road! She has said so many inappropriate things to me. Last fall, when they visited during my whole pregnancy saga, I hadnt yet miscarried and I mentioned to her tearfully that maybe this is for the best and in a way I might be relieved when this is all over. She calls me the day after my miscarriage and surgery and is surprised to hear me sound low and says "Arey tuney hi toh bola tha you will be relieved, why are you not happy?" Ummm idiot!

She called me yesterday saying "For some reason, I was thinking you are going to deliver in June". Well that was my due date from my last pregnancy, idiot, any woman who has delivered a child should be more aware of this. So she was asking about child care arrangements after the baby is born etc, and I said "Ya, we need to look for a nanny, I will have to ask you for advice because you have seen the good and bad (they have had a nanny for their child ever since her birth)". So she goes "Arey peheley sab theek toh honey do, last time ki tarah is baar problem toh nahin hain na?". Tears sprung to my eyes and I fought back irritation and calmly said "No, there is no problem this time etc". B%^&ch, I am entering my third trimester, dont you dare nazar lavofy my pregnancy, at this juncture, you pretty much assume that you wont have any problems with your pregnancy. I was so upset last evening and my pregnancy hormones ensure that I can longer shrug off any kind of unpleasant episodes without mulling over it too long. So I am giving myself therapy by venting here, venting to my family and I am not such a big person to pray to God for forgiveness for her or anything, I am rather going to hope she faces the same things in life that I have had and develops some more compassion towards people in similar situations.

Oh yeah, and The Great's thoughts about layoff - If the company really needs you and values you, they will never lay you off. Really!! In today's world? Open your eyes, glamor MBA, look around and see whats happening, its all about the bottom line now. I hope she gets a kick in the ass soon and no red carpet exit. And I hope none of this ill wishing that I am doing for her boomerangs back to me :)) God, you know, I am a nice person, dont you? :) So all of you, who are reading this post, I hope you nod your head in agreement and say "Yes, what an idiot!" (to the girl, not to me)

Stress buster

I am in serious need of a stressbuster......taking stock of all the zillion stupid things which worry me seems to help me and as this is my blog and not a person, I can freely abuse it in any way I want to, by venting time and again, so here is my list:

1) I am fat. I am officially fat and overweight. Watching videos of a recent visit to a farm, I was surprised to see a baby elephant waddling among the farm animals. Surprise turned to shock as I also realised it was me :(( My butt and my tummy are almost the same size. I feel as if I am in someone else's body and need to step out. Watching videos of myself constantly amazes me, as in my mind, I am still the girl with the 110 pound fit body.

2) I have insomnia. I lie awake for hours at night. Every small thing sets me off - P's snoring, if it is a hot day, hunger......I eat many snacks all through the night hoping it will put me back to sleep. But I still lie awake....Thats why I am fatter, and it is frustrating as hell to lie awake at night. I am grateful to be working, I swear if I were unemployed, I would drop R, come back home and head straight to bed....which brings me to....

3) I will not have a job next year. I will be officially unemployed. I do not have the discipline or the desire to stay at home. If I take a break and stay home, I know I will put myself up to all these insane expectations from myself and drive myself and P crazy. I do think its easier to go to work for me and to cut myself slack. Its okay if R ate macaroni and cheese twice in a row, the important thing is I spent all evening playing with her etc...My current boss is already telling me about all these internal opportunities which I should be interviewing for....

4) Which brings me to my resume.....I dont have time to update my resume...Should I focus on meeting current deadlines, leave on time to spend time with my visiting father and of course my baby girl or should I leave everything aside and get working on that resume and interview. I know for sure, if this was me in a different personal situation, I would be on the phone talking to hazaar people for a job. But even though the prospect of being unemployed terrifies me, I yearn for the peace and low pressure right now, for the next few months. I just want to focus on my current deadlines, not take on anything new, not have anyone expect anything from me, not have Sonia expect from Sonia and chill and take it easy.....

5) I had thought being told that your position is eliminated means a paid vacation till your last day. But nothing has changed! I still have the same work pressure, same deadlines, same accountability and responsibility. But with the resentment, I am low on patience towards idiotic co workers and feel unjustly punished for not having a job next year while these morons will continue to be employed. I have all these things I need to do around the house but no time....And do I really want all that time.

6) I want to have it all - I look back and realise I was so super lucky with R. As soon as I came back from maternity leave I rotated to a flex time job internally, working only 24 hours a week. It was awesome! I had all this time with my baby, I was also working and in touch with my field, I had a very understanding boss......I miss it now....I want to have it all - a job, flexible hours, time with my kids.....sigh....

Well, its not bad, I know what I need to do....it always always helps to prioritise things in your mind, I have a horrible work week coming up but I will find time and refresh my resume, apply for that internal job, will leave a bit early today so I can come home and spend that last evening with Dad, will leave on time everyday so I can pick up R on time before she burns out in daycare. I will get a dabba from someone so I have my evenings free to work out a little bit and spend time with R and P. And about this insomnia, there are always blog posts to write and read :)) The internet is a wonderful companion at lonely hours :) Aww I rock, I am my best cheerleader...Now off I go to the fridge to feed myself shamelessly and try to sleep for the next hour or two before its time to get up and go go go....

Mommy Guilt And Me

This is a post that I wrote as an entry to the Mommy guilt contest hosted by Women's Web

When I drive to work with my daughter in the backseat, she is grumpy on some days; after effects of watching TV first thing in the morning, while I hurriedly try to pack my lunch, take a shower, pack her school things, get her ready etc. (Yes, I know I could have accomplished this, the previous night, but there is nothing thrilling like a challenge in the morning).

When I drive to work with her slumped in her car seat and we pass the park, she says on some days “Mommy, I want to go to the park”. And my heart breaks…..heart breaks at having to make her sacrifice whims and adhere to routine, she is too young for that, isn’t she? Don’t all of us feel on a beautiful summer day to drive out to a state park and go on a walk/hike/swim or go shopping with friends or go see a movie? Anything but go to work and sit behind a desk?

But then there are also other days when I let her stay at home from school and in a matter of hours, she wanders around the house bored and misses her friends at school and her teachers and her swimming classes and actually asks to go to school. It doesn’t matter if I play with her, in a day or two, in an hour or two, she wants to be surrounded by her friends and have her activities.

I have strongly begun to realize that as women we punish ourselves with guilt. Some of us are also generous enough to pile on some of our guilt on to others – stay at home Moms criticizing work outside the home Moms and vice versa.

Kids don’t need routine, let them be kids, let them be spontaneous and free as the wind.
Kids need routine, it helps them know what to expect and makes them more grounded, lays the foundation for successful maturity and growth.
Kids need their mothers every second of the day, nobody will nurture and love their kids as much as mothers can and will.
Kids need to interact with other kids, adults, caretakers; some of them are specially trained to deal/teach/guide kids.
Let them cry it out and eventually they will learn to sleep through the night by themselves.
Kids are kids only once, why should you make them cry alone into the night, go cuddle up with them and co-sleep.
Potty train on a schedule, wean off bottle/nipple asap.
Let the kid take his/her own course, do not try to go by the book on everything…

You will agree that there are a thousand “for” and “against” on every single decision relating to kids. Every mother has experienced this, be it by way of disagreements with your mother/mother-in-law/husband or your friends might be doing it one way and you prefer something else etc. Each kid is unique and you know your child. If you are a sane, reasonably responsible, non-drug taking, non-alcoholic, non-abusive parent; then you have the absolute right to decide what’s best for your kid. And the rest of the Universe should let you be.

So the next time you are in the park with your kids and watch a Mom drive past with a kid looking out of the window, do not judge that Mom. Do not pity her or do not pity yourself. For all you know, she could be judging you back, pitying you or pitying herself. Let’s forgive ourselves and forgive others. Lets all just celebrate the fact that we are all mothers, we love our children to death and will always always think of the best that we can do for them. And let’s trust the Mom on the other side to have that awesome wisdom which you think you have and believe that she has chosen the best course for her family and herself. Live and let live. Smile and sympathize and learn from each other. Extremes are not healthy in any circumstances, for anyone; let’s all try to reach some middle ground. Live and let live and put down that load of Mommy guilt you carry around. Love your child and be there for them and you have been the best Mother you could ever be.

And just like that.....my employer let me go :(

Yesterday my boss stopped by and said that she wanted to talk to me. She said my position has been eliminated and she was very sorry. As I thought I was prepared to hear it, I said "Thats fine". She said "No, thats not fine". We talked for a long time, finally somewhere in our conversation I couldnt stop the tears.

HR came and talked to me and took me through all the forms. I was in a daze, at times I didnt even hear what she was saying and asked her to repeat a few times. It was so unreal staring at the Separation forms.

I should be grateful that I have a seemingly awesome deal. My last day of work isnt until the end of this year and because I will be on maternity leave then, my last day of work will be the day I choose to come back to work from my maternity leave next year. So effectively I still have a good six months and more to stay on my employer's payroll. I guess I should be grateful for that. Right now my brain cant process anything beyond the sadness.

My colleagues who have worked for the same company for 18 and 34 years respectively were also let go. Can you imagine working for a company that long and then being told to go? What kind of message does that send in today's world? Do not be loyal to any company because at the end of the day, all they will think about is their bottom line?

One of my colleagues had been proactive and has already started interviewing. I do not have that option - who do you think is going to hire me when they take one look at my pregnant tummy? In these times of job competitiveness when the job market is just about starting to open up, I doubt if any one is going to say "Come work for us and you can totally go on maternity leave right after you join". And then "Yes, we know you will need special considerations when your child is young and we would be happy to give it to you". I dont really have any super super rare qualifications, I am easily replaceable :( So I feel like that is atleast out for now.

My employer is a fortune 50 company so it doesnt really make sense to go take outside chhota mota temporary contract assignments; I would rather keep my employer on my resume. My manager will not give me any new assignments to work on so its essentially career stagnation until I find another job next year and start working.

How will things be post baby? Will I be able to find a job that would not be too demanding? I know right now that I do want to continue working. I was so lucky when R was born, I could switch to a part time flexible hours position for 2 years; so lucky. I guess I should be grateful to my employer for that.

(As if on cue, when I walked downstairs to make my early morning snack for myself, I noticed my old time fighter - an old tiger barb, dead and floating in my fish tank. He had been amazingly resilient and would terrorize the other milder fish in the tank. All the other barbs had passed away over a period of time and I replaced them with non aggressive fish but I hadnt had the heart to do away with this one. It felt like the end of an era, I worked for six years for my employer, it feels like the end of an era for me too. I just sat down and cried, I dont know for whom - myself or my fish, I think it was for both of us and all the other hundreds of people - young and old, stressed, and forced out to venture into a tough tough job market)

Well, I will focus on the positives and believe there is a reason for everything to happen. I will clean my fish tank this weekend and buy more peaceful non aggressive fish :) I will ask to work from home alternate days now; why bother tiring myself out everyday when I can work out of my Pjs. I can drop R off later, she can sleep in and will pick her up earlier. I can do all the thousand pending things that I need to do to get my house in order. I have the time for it. My current project deadlines are for end of August so I will try to get excited that it is a blessing in disguise and I can chill out and get ready for the baby as I wont really be doing any work in September/October timeframe. I just dont see the peace and happiness in it right now but when the time comes, I will be so grateful; I am sure.

I will believe that I will have a smooth delivery and we will have a healthy baby. I will find a reliable loving nanny and I will look for another job. I will get another job and my new employer will be sympathetic to working mothers. Next year same time, I will be a mother to two and working at a new job and enjoying the summer with my family, I am sure of it. I just need to keep the faith and stay happy. This too shall pass....

An apple a day keeps the doctor away....

And in my case the same apple makes me go to the doctor!

Over the last year I had noticed that when I ate an apple, my whole mouth, inside of my ears and throat would itch. It would subside after some time and I had stopped eating apples. During my pregnancy, apples looked appetizing to me so I ate them with the normal itchiness etc. But since last week, the reaction has been a bit more stronger. After eating apples, peaches and more recently yesterday I took three four bites out of a pear and my throat closed up. It still isnt quite back to normal completely. It feels like my entire food pipe is swollen. I couldnt swallow, then slowly I could swallow with pain, every gulp felt was painful :(( Its been twelve hours since I ate that damned thing and something in my throat still hurts :((

My gyne thinks its a reaction to pesticides and I should eat organic only. I am going to take an appointment with my family doctor to go in for allergy testing or whatever.

Over the last couple of years, I had also developed spring allergies, I also suspect that I develop flu like symptoms when the pollen count is too high. What fun!! Prospective diabetes and now prospective food and pollen allergies. Someone is nazar lavofying to me is my scientific explanation so I am apologising to all parties who I must have even remotely annoyed :) (I just shot off a Sorry email to depressed friend's husband to whom I had sent an email saying she really needs help, please make sure she sees a psychiatrist and received no reply from him on it)

I am now telling my family and friends to keep those apples and especially pears away and forgive me if I look at your fresh fruit salad with extreme suspicion ;)

Do any of you have such allergies and any advice?

Updates and updates

1) I had my 20 week ultrasound appointment yesterday and we told the doctor we didnt want to know the sex of the baby so zip it. It was soooooooooooo cute to watch the baby. He/she is very active, he/she kicked the ultrasound scanner when the doctor pressed it on my tummy, maybe the baby thought it was a game and participation was required :)
2) I gained weight and am at 157 pounds now. At this rate I will surely be 170 by the time I deliver. Then its just a matter of losing 60 pounds over next year to get back to pre pre pre pregnancy weight (pre this pregnancy, pre last miscarried pregnancy, pre pregnancy with R). Is it too much of a lofty goal?
3) Our darling neighbors had another party and their yard was full of teenage boys and girls living it up. We moved to the guest bedroom in anticipation of another restless night. But at 10.45 PM, it was pin drop silence. The party had broken up and everyone had gone home. They are so nice! Or maybe many neighbors complained after their last party and they were shamed into behaving...
4) I am so tired everyday and my boss still hasnt told our group our fate, our company is going through an internal reorganization and everyone was supposed to know where they stand. Some days I feel like I wont even feel bad if I am let go, I will immediately gather my things and go home and take a nap. But just tell me already, I hate the suspense!
5) Thats it.........too tired to type.......when will it be five o clock?

Mushy Mom alert

Our baby is growing up.....

1) She calls me Mom instead of her babyish cries of Mommy. Daddy is still Daddy though :(
2) She shuts the door when she goes to the bathroom and if we open and poke our head in, amused, she admonishes us with "I need some privacy, can you please close the door?".
3) She puts soap on herself and rinses herself off and refuses to let me pour water on her saying "I did it already, my bath is done".
4) She can put on all her clothes by herself.
5) She can go to the bathroom - start to finish - sit on the toilet, wipe her bum, wash her hands, turn the tap on and off all by herself.
6) She can take her blankie by herself, doesnt need to be tucked in anymore..
7) She can turn on the tap and fill her glass with water when she is thirsty - no more, I want paani cries.
8) She can eat well by herself when its her choice of food.
9) She is polite 70% of the time using her May I please....and Thank yous
10) She can open all doors and stomps off angrily outside the house when she is mad at me!

At night, she goes to her room and lies down on her bed like a big girl. But at the end of the day, she comes running back, her pillow and blankie streaming behind her saying - I need to sleep by Mommy :))))))) And that still makes Mommy happy some days :)))

(We have told her terrifying stories of how strangers might take her away in a car if she goes out by herself and we dont know that she has opened the door and walked out etc in a bid to stop this behavior.)

Lost youth

I have a friend - we went to the same high school, same college, we got married one after the other, moved to the US so basically we have been friends and in touch for a major part of our lives. Over the past 25 years or so, she has progressively become more and more frustrated and depressed with life. And one would think that she has faced insurmountable difficulties or something and tragedies all her life. That is so not the case.

If you look at her on paper, she is a Chartered Accountant, she is a merit holder CPA here, she is smart, she is talkative, she has an extremely loving-fun loving-friendly husband, her in laws are quite nice, her mother in law is proud of her, she has a younger brother, parents, friends......would you say she is lacking in anything? She has really not faced anything earth shaking or horribly painful in her life apart from the usual stuff that millions of others face.

But fast forward to today, and here she is at 33, quit her job, stays at home all day and even on the weekends, doesnt pick up the phone, doesnt talk to her friends, sends her husband away even on her birthday, has put on a lot of weight, her family still thinks that she is working and all is well with her.

I don't understand depression. When I am depressed, I am incapable of doing anything. I will sulk on the sofa and sigh like Meena Kumari. She has met all her milestones successfully, managed to hold down good jobs, get promotions, study for and pass difficult exams, get married to a good dude. Depression has never gotten in her way. Some days I feel like she gets depressed at her convenience.

I remember this one time when we were studying for our tenth standard exams; she told me over the phone that she was depressed and felt like killing herself. So I ran over with my books - I was always a last minute crammer and hadn't finished studying. She, on the other hand, had not only studied the entire material but had finished revising it twice!! So while she sat and sighed and looked pitifully outside, I sat next to her and desperately studied. Doesn't it seem like a case of "An empty mind is the Devil's workshop"?

Anyways she will never commit suicide, that I am sure of, and she has also told us. But I dont like how she is wasting her life sitting at home all day, locking herself up, even on weekends, her husband goes out by himself while she continues to stay home. I have a cousin who passed away at 30 of blood cancer. So what she is doing to herself is frustrating me. What wouldn't his family/or he have given to trade places with her? He was so full of life and life was so cruelly snatched away from him. There are so many things you can do in this life - if you dont want to work, volunteer! There is an unending list of volunteer opportunities and relatively fewer people who can give so much of their time and efforts. Why does she always look at the glass as half empty? Is she being fair to her husband by destroying every shred of their married life together?

She never wanted to have children but her husband adored them so they tried to get pregnant; unsuccessfully, and now she has added that to her list of things she doesnt have. But you never ever wanted kids in the first place and fought your husband for years on it. Have you forgotten it? My sister has fertility issues too, but she is diverting her energies somewhere else and is staying happy and content.

I dont know what to do with her or how to help her. We have told her over and over, pleaded with her to get some medical help. I don't agree with her husband's approach of "Leave her alone, she will come out of it". She hasn't come out of it for 25 years, how do you expect a miracle overnight?

Well sad to see youth wasted this way, instead of being grateful for this healthy life that God bestowed upon us, why is she spending her time moping away! How can I help her? Or does she even want to be helped?

R Chronicles

R's doctor wants an urine sample - the last two times she couldnt pee in the doctor's office - shy bladder syndrome :) So today morning I filled a bottle when she was peeing

R: Mommy, is the doctor going to drink my pee?
Me: Horrified and grossed out - No beta she is going to do some tests
R: Oh, she is just going to taste it?

Hahahaaa...........

Love thy neighbor...

Saturday night, our neighbors had a party. Their guests were chatting around a fire in the backyard late into the night. Yes, its all fine and dandy and Oh so much fun but there were one a beer too many and the chatting wasnt exactly chatting with interspersed break out of laughter. It was LOUD talking and laughing! And it went on till about three thirty in the morning.

It was such a warm night, not exactly requiring an AC but a "throw the windows open and sleep" kinda night and No, we couldnt do that. Because then the noise was even louder as they sat right outside our bedroom window. I seriously have no patience for this kind of a thing now, Yes, you can stay up all night chatting but move it inside the house for Gods sake! Is there such a thing as courtesy for your neighbors. Our other neighbor had called the cops on them to break up their party last time. So anyways so at three, I marched downstairs and put the kitchen lights on and glared at them through my windows and when one of them waved back, I did my best "Angry model on the catwalk" walk and made myself a snack and went back to bed. The noise quieted down (thankfully) after and P and I fell asleep finally!

I am officially old at the age of 33. I can no longer sleep through everything, there was a time when I slept through earthquakes, other people's babies crying, TV on loud and what not. Now I need an excuse to toss restlessly at night. Maybe its because I am pregnant...

Anyways I was determined to tell her off the next morning. On Sunday morning I was gardening in my backyard and out she came. I had a severe attack of Chickenatitis and I pretended not to see her and retreated to my front yard. P is clearly the brave one in our family, he stood his ground and merrily watered the flowers and chatted with her and when asked if they disturbed us last night, said "Yes, we were up most of the night, S couldnt sleep and was miserable and could they please try to be more understanding next time". She sent over a plant to me as a peace offering :)

Alls forgiven with the bribe now :) They have another party coming up in two weeks and hopefully they will behave. Or we will just have to crash their party and partake some of the beer.

Stress, Nightmare and J Lahiri

I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and stressed about many things - Will a nanny be negligent and kill my poor infant baby, Should I quit my job and stay home till the baby grows up, Will I be laid off soon and not have to make that decision myself?, I dont want to stop working, who will give me a job when I am ready to enter the workforce again, Will R adjust to her new preschool, Will my baby be healthy and the rest of my pregnancy smooth? After all these unproductive worries, I woke up P and he sleepily murmured some comforting words and solutions and I finally could sleep again.

Then I had a nightmare. I was dead, P had remarried to a girl much younger than me, my bhoot (ghost) was watching their conversation, she was asking P if she could take my sarees. I screamed No...Wth, where did this come from? Then I remembered this is inspired from Jhumpa Lahiri's book that I had just finished reading - Unaccustomed Earth. In one of the stories, a boy's mother passes away and his Dad remarries etc and he is uncomfortable to see another woman in her mother's domain etc...All of Jhumpa Lahiri's books end on depressing notes. Even though I like them, I cant completely identify, because neither have I moved here thirty years ago to identify with the older immigrant ladies in the story nor have I been brought up in the US to identify with the kids. But they are interesting reads anyways...

P found my nightmare very entertaining; he said your biggest concern if you were dead and I had a new wife is your sarees? And I am not even really attached to my sarees or my shoes or my purses or my clothes :) Except when someone wants to borrow them, someone who is not from my inner circle of trust and love ;)

No real point to this post...

Pre partum depression

I wonder if there is anything as pre partum depression like post partum depression. I was crying my eyes out yesterday too over the whole diet karo-maintain weight-diabetes (my glucose levels are borderline right now and are very much indicative of gestational diabetes when I get tested for it); my parents spent time cheering me up. And today its the same story. I want to run away somewhere and chill. I am so tired of this BS.

I had a busy day at work today, came home, made rotis, subzi, salad, cut mangoes. R threw multiple tantrums all evening. Nowadays she is perfecting the art of opening her mouth the widest she can, and screaming with all her might. I am sure she is imitating someone from her daycare and whatever it is, its not funny. Especially nowadays I literally feel like slapping her.

When I was in the kitchen, P and she were outside, he mowing the lawn, she traipsing about the yard. So I thought she must have had fun. After cooking I walked on the damn treadmill - fast walking for 24 minutes. Then sat down for dinner and another of R's tantrums - stupid coughing and saying everything is spicy. She barely ate one roti when I gave up, turned Dora on the TV for her and let her be.

P had to rush out for some stupid property work. He has an Uncle who is a bachelor and has a sole hobby/obsession in life to buy and rent properties. We have also rented out our old home and its not easy, when a renter leaves, P turns sulky and tense until we get another renter. Dishwasher change karo, so research for it, visit the store hundreds of times, look for deals, call for installation, stupid waste of time. Especially when I would rather have him at home eating dinner with me.

I no longer have any friends that I can call at any time of the day or night to talk. I dont know how I got to this juncture. There was a time when I could call either of my best friends and they would be available to listen, comfort, soothe. Now one best friend hardly has any time for me - she has her own issues to deal with and the other is swamped too. Everyone is so busy, engulfed in their own families and stress. I wait for morning to set in India and to call the two people who are never busy for me, my parents.

Finally at the end of the day, as I always used to preach and judge other unhappy people, happiness is within you and I shouldnt be looking at others to make me happy. I need to shake off my blues and be happy and peaceful. After all you come into this world alone and will go from it alone.

Happy days

I had my end of first trimester ultrasound yesterday. Everything is just fine. The ultrasound technician was so sweet, she took the time to explain everything she was looking at and kept up the reassuring comments..The staff at my doctor's office all shared in my happiness on learning about the normal ultrasound. I wanted to reach in and hug my cutie baby - he/she was dancing all around and the tech had to keep up with him/her. I am already eagerly waiting to hold my baby in my arms and kiss her/him over and over and over....

We told R yesterday, she was thrilled! She kept hugging my tummy and wanting to feel the baby. She insists that we have a baby girl because she wants a sister. Now she is announcing to all and sundry that my Mommy has my baby sister in her tummy. Life feels so peaceful and happy - I want to hold on to this moment forever.

I called my birth mom to give her the news, even though she already knew. She was very happy for me. I realised at that time how rare it is to have people who are genuinely interested in your well being and are happy in your happiness. If we stop to think and count the people who love you unconditionally, how many would we get? I am so blessed to have my handful of family and friends who stand by me through thick and thin, even though some people might be more adept at handling the tougher situations in life than others.

My gyne also told me I am overweight and should go on a diet :( Isnt pregnancy the time when you can morph into a huge elephant and people will still go "Aww you glow". I am 5 feet four and weigh 150 pounds :( I used to be 118 pounds once upon a time...Sigh....now I am looking at dieticians who will help me plan my meals and most importantly my snacks...

Relationships

Sometimes I really do feel like an orphan. My idiot sister mentioned to my half sister that our mother had delayed her US trip (to accomodate my delivery schedule) so the news travelled to my birth mom who called up my mother (her sister) to ask why. I am still waiting for my ultrasound - end of first trimester to announce my pregnancy. I want to say it happily, without any doubts - I am pregnant!

Anyways my mother told my birth mom that she also didnt know until a few days earlier and that also because she had to book her tickets blah blah, when in fact she knew about my pregnancy from the first week I found out. Why would you lie? Why do you feel guilty admitting that your daughter confides in you? Everytime my mother tries to justify or hide the fact how close she and I are, every time I feel alienated. I am reminded that even though she is my mother on paper and for all other purposes, she never rightfully claims the right to be called my mother. Why? It hurts me to no end.

Yes, my birth mother gave birth to me in exceedingly painful circumstances; she was getting divorced and what not. But what is my fault in it? I thank God everyday that my father persuaded my Grandmother to let me go stay with them. I seriously doubt my mental well being and progress in life if I would have stayed on with them. If I have never ever in all these years, and I am a good 33 years old now, ever confided or shared my happiest moments or bluest episodes with my birth mom; why the sudden expectation now? Just because everything has worked out for everyone and right now, right now she is happy and at peace too. Just because of that, I am expected to share this wonderful mother-daughter bond with her? Just because she delivered me, just because I came through her body? Just because she cried over me and lamented and predicted that I was going to have the same bad luck as she had and Oh, how much tension she had in life because she was busy worrying about me and who would marry me, the daughter of a divorcee?

My mother who is torn between her loyalty to her sister and her loyalty towards her daughter (I hope she has some of it) is defending her sister. Sister wins. If this is going to continue, I disown my mother too then. If you so generously and thoughtlessly can offer the daughter you raised to your sister, then I can also force my heart to stop caring. I dont want anyone, I am fine without a mother..

Scary dreams

Nowadays I have nightmares most nights. I dont know if it is because deep down I am incessantly worried about my pregnancy or because I always get nightmares when I am hungry in the middle of the night; which I am, nowadays, I wake up and have to eat a snack. Today I woke up thinking I was outside one of the souks - (I have already forgotten the name) in Dubai and it was late and I couldnt get a cab back to my hotel.

A couple of years back I had gone on a business trip to Dubai, all by myself. So of course I had an option of returning back to my hotel room and ordering room service every evening or going out by myself and visiting all the normal touristy places. I was assured by my colleagues that Dubai was extremely safe for a lone female traveller so off I would go every evening, on recommendations or looking in my guide book. And I am glad I did, I hit most of the places to see (though Burj Al Arab wouldnt let me in because I had no appointment and was wearing jeans and sneakers) but anyways..

One of these recommendations was to a Sanjeev Kapoor restaurant. Of course they forgot to mention that they always travel by car and wouldnt know about cab arrangements. The restaurant was not in the best of locations flanked on both sides by girl clubs or night clubs or whatever they are called. I took a cab and reached there around eight; I was so excited with the prospect of eating there. When I went upstairs to the restaurant (its in a simple one story building by itself), the staff told me that they were expecting a big party at 8.30 and would I be able to eat quickly and leave by then. NO. I was there at eight, that would have given me ten minutes to gobble my food after a 15 minute serving time. So I left, disappointed. When I got downstairs, I looked around for the first time. There were no cabs in sight, I stood outside the restaurant for the longest time and tried to wait for a cab. It was already dark and suddenly my cheerful mood disappeared; hunger and the fear of being in a place unknown took over. The music from the clubs nearby was blaring loud and I felt like cars were slowing down to look at me. I asked the watchman and he said my best bet was to get to the main road to hail a cab. So I started walking towards the main road (it would have been a good 15 minute walk) plus my heels started sinking in the sand so it made it more difficult. Plus I was beginning to slowly freak out, the whole atmosphere of the location with the two huge night clubs reminded me of every bad Hindi movie where the heroine gets kidnapped. I didnt have a cell phone, P had no idea where I was, I started praying fervently. Please please please, let a cab come by.

My aunt in law always says that God appears in the form of someone when you need him/her. To my good fortune, a cab pulled by, the driver said he would charge me double (I have no idea why, maybe he realised that I was scared and wanted to make a quick buck?). I said I dont care, just get me to my hotel. I have relived that walk in the sand in the dark evening many times after that and have been scared about what could have been. But it was a happy ending and thats all that matters. I got to my hotel safe and sound and researched thoroughly the cab options before I ventured out again the day after :)

Reason # 221 to have kids and other...

Today morning I was singing Pardesi girl (from Dostana).....
Me: Whos the hottest girl in the world?
R: Pausing to brush her teeth to yell - its you Mommy!
Hehe.....where would you have such an adoring fan club? (Husbands dont count as they are unreliable in that department, atleast mine is, with the compliments ie)

Well in other news, I had my first ultrasound appointment yesterday. The doctor's office has a new ultrasound machine so P and I were taken aback at the clear image of the little baby waving his/her arms and legs and dancing almost. I was in tears the whole time as the technician kept reassuring me that everything looked fine, measurements were fine etc.

Now next ultrasound/blood test in in the last week of April which will also signify end of first trimester. Once I get the results of those tests, I will announce to the whole wide world (this is a first for me having kept my mouth shut so long) that I am pregnant! More than the whole wide world, I cannot wait to tell R. P is terrified and wants to make sure we pick the right moment when she is feeling happy and generous because that conversation could go either way. She could be a terrific older sister, doting and adoring and all that or just a devilish monster, hating to share her Mommy with someone else.. When I had asked her hypothetically if Mommy and Daddy can get another baby home? She had choked back tears and said "Noooooooo, I am only Mommy Daddy's baby".

I am sure my birth mom's first question will be "Is everything okay this time around? Are you sure? Is the baby's development okay? Are you sure? Does the doctor have any doubts?..". That woman can never ever focus on the positives and you can count on her to create panic and anxiety in every situation when you would rather stand strong.

My parents of course know, they are my rock, my anchor! Thank God for second chances and giving me the most awesomest parents ever....I am what I am and do what I do, all because of them...

Luck..

I dont know if its luck or careful planning followed by focus on execution to make sure their goal is attained or its just that the Universe is always on their side to make sure things work out exactly per plan......let me explain..

Many years ago, when all of us siblings were in India, my brother charted his life over ten years, with milestone events - admission into the prestigious engineering school, admission into PhD program overseas, new job, when he would get married, when he would have his first baby etc....and amazingly everything has turned out exactly as per his plan. And I am very happy for him, nazar na lagey...

His wife also must come from the same planet in terms of plans working out perfectly for her or maybe my brother's luck is so strong that she is swept into it, they are still making plans and are able to stick to them. Vacations without kids, longer India vacations between transitions from one job to the other, building their perfect home, you name it...

They had a baby girl last year and my sister in law declared that she didnt want to expose her baby to a daycare until she turned one atleast. Thats a noble intention which many women have. But she wasnt planning on any personal or professional sacrifices to make this happen. She was counting on her Mom and my mom (her MIL) to stay and look after her baby for 6 months at a time. My Mom's shift is due this June. I got pregnant last year and their well laid plans were shaken up, I would have delivered in June. My mom naturally would shift her priorities to me. But see everything worked out, I ended up losing the baby, my mother is on to report for Grandmother duty in June. All is well. I am not saying they didnt feel bad for me, their hearts were as broken as mine but I am just saying "Look at how everything works out for them, one way or the other".

Now my sister in law has planned to go to India with her kids and my Mom for company (an extra extremely helpful valuable hand with the baby on the plane) in November. My brother will follow her and they were all planning to have a good time in India etc. Now I am due to deliver in November....

Just once, just once, I am begging this Universe to side with me. I dont grudge you the tension caused by my in laws, I dont grudge you the lost baby, the lost months, I dont grudge you the tears and the pain both pregnancies bring, I dont grudge anything......Please just let me hold my beautiful happy healthy baby in November.....Pretty please.....

Trying to keep smiling....

For 2 weeks after I had found I was pregnant, I realised that I could no longer multi task ie listen to music while work etc. Today I can, I am listening to Pandora's box (which I LOVE btw; you need to try it, you can put in your favorite singer/song/movie and it customizes a playing list for you!!)..Anyways as I listen to music and work, I suddenly freaked out - OMG my baby is no longer there, thats why I am back to normal :((

My legs hurt, I freak out suddenly thinking - Am I going to start bleeding and lose my baby!

My lower back hurts, inspite of myself, I have that melt down moment when I cry and think - Oh man, lower back pain is a sign of low progesterone, my progesterone must have plunged, I am going to lose my baby!

This time around though, I know what happens in a miscarriage and have lived through it already and do not want to face it again. So the urge to mentally shield myself from that pain makes me think optimistic.....

Deep breaths S, you wont lose your baby, your baby is fine, its thriving, progesterone will be tackled, it doesnt mean anything is wrong with your baby, tomorrow when you get blood test results back, you will see, HCG will have gone up, progesterone will have improved, you will hold your cute baby in your arms in November. For now, do not freak out, stay strong, stand strong.....Easy peasy giving advice to oneself, now to go ahead and follow it.....Pray for me, will you?

Here we go again....

or rather I hope not...

Friday blood tests show a drop in progesterone so I need to start on the gel supplements right away. If they dont work, the dreaded shots will be back. The silver lining this time around is that the baby hormone is going strong, atleast I owe it to my baby to stay positive and strong and get through whatever comes my way.

Please God, I am begging you, please let the supplements work. I dont want to have to take the shots, they just made me feel awful with dizziness and fatigue and what not. Please God, let my baby stay healthy and strong. Please God, let me hold my healthy baby in November. Why do simple things have to be so hard!

Life is precious

When I was three, I moved to Mumbai to be with my Aunt and Uncle who adopted me. Since then over the next 10 years of my life, every vacation would be spent in Pune with my grandmother and birth mother. Every time summer/Diwali/Christmas vacation would roll around, my bags would be packed, my father would drop me at Aaji’s and pick up my brother and return in a day to Mumbai.

Looking back in this age of heightened awareness around child psychology and women’s liberation and nuclear families and what not, it seems strange – this living adjustment that we had.

My Aunt and Uncle; who are my Mother and Father in the truest sense, it doesn’t matter I wasn’t born to them, (as I had read the concept coined on this blog http://kaimhanta.blogspot.com/ ) I was born of their hearts I guess. They have a daughter and a son. My birth mother just had me at that time from her previous marriage. My Aunt let her son stay with her mother. My Aaji let me stay with my Aunt. Confusing? But we have all still managed to grow up without any relationship issues whatsoever, and me, my brother, my sister and parents are incredibly close.

Flashback to my vacations with Aaji and birthmother – Sometimes love can be nurturing, freeing, enriching and sometimes the same love tends to have the exact opposite effect – suffocating and limiting. My Aaji and birth mom took advantage of the limited time they spent with me to din into my head about how the world is a cruel place and how every one is out to take advantage of you. How I had no one in this world except for Aaji, birth mom and God (this statement has had an impact on my mind, for years later I would feel lonely for no reason and insecure). Every evening my birth mother would return back from work and a post mortem analysis of the day would be done. Even at that age, I used to wonder how the vilest and meanest of people found their way to my birth mom and brooded over whether there is any truth in the fact that my birth mom has super bad luck etc.

In those days, I was constantly compared to my adopted siblings and told how they were academically more brilliant than me, how they were quick in outside matters, independent and in other words the perfect kids while I was one with many many faults. Of course, my parents never ever thought this and never made me feel that way. My mother tells me that Aaji and birth mom used to criticize the ones they love the most to protect them from the evil eye. What twisted logic was that, I still fail to understand.

But I grew up with my Aaji actually trying to create a rift between me and my siblings while she tried to push me to be closer with my birth mom. My birth mom on the other hand was this beautiful Meena Kumari, the innocent one wronged by everyone with no fault of her own, the unlucky one who always met the wrong people, always had the worst luck in her life, and always got the short end of the deal.

My letters to my friends and parents were censored, I was asked to change wording. All the letters received from my friends were read and analyzed. Clearly there was no freedom of speech in that household…..As I start to write this, if you would ask my brother; how life was growing up with Aaji, he will very well have a different story because every one of us was treated differently by Aaji. I don’t want to make her out as an awful woman; she was extremely strong and independent. Even as a widow, she had the guts to stand up and support her pregnant daughter and lead her through the divorce. Somewhere in that duration, my birth mom stopped growing up and taking responsibility for her life and my Aaji became more protective of her daughter. They forgot their ages and time froze.

My poor mother was always torn between her loyalties as a daughter, sister and my mother. She would feel guilty when people would praise me and would feel that her sister is missing out on it. She would go out of her way to tell those people “but she is not my daughter, she is my sisters” because she didn’t want to take credit for the praise. For the longest time, that used to break my heart. Now my mother has realized that she is deserving of the praise – for being proud of how I have turned out to be, because she and my father are the ONLY ones responsible in this world for me being an independent, sane, sensible person. Everything I am today is because of them. And if my birth mom has missed out on this, it is because of the choices she made and the attitude she chose and the way she lived her life.

Children are very observant, they know right from wrong at an early age and when they grow up, they know about choices and how you could have turned a situation around with the right attitude. I could have been extremely proud of my birth mom today if she would have stood up, shaken herself out of the depression, after her divorce and gotten along with her life. After all she got married right after to an extremely well educated good man and everything is just right with her life now. She could have put a positive spin on every obstacle she faced instead of running home and crying in her old mother’s lap. She could have shown her daughter what it means to be a woman and I would have been proud to be her daughter. When now, the only thing I remind myself is how to not be like her. I wonder how life turns out this way.

My mother reminisces about her childhood and how my birth mom was a different person at that time. You can never predict what life is going to bring your way or your children’s. I am extremely grateful to have a wonderful husband and wonderful friends, parents, siblings…..I don’t know what surprises/difficulties/happiness life has in store for R and my baby, but whatever it is, I hope I can always be there for them with unwavering moral support and remind them that they always always have a choice in every situation – If you cannot change the outcome, you can change your attitude towards it. You can choose to cry and be miserable and wallow in self pity or you can get up, and live another day and hope that something better will come along soon.

Aal izz well

Blood test results came back normal!! As I was high risk, the doctor wants to repeat tests twice a week to monitor trends but atleast for now, the first blood test is good :) Baby is doing fine, progesterone levels are fine.....yaay.....

I am on the lookout for deserted floors bathrooms now, then also there is the odd person who rushes in so I wait till they leave. Yuck! But I am SO grateful for this nausea, this sickening feeling all day which reassures me of my progesterone levels. I dont mind puking my way through the first trimester but I dont really want to have anything to do with the shots and the tension and monitoring blood work.....Last pregnancy and delivery then I am done!!

The birthdays that were…..

Every 8th March, the phone would start ringing early in the morning. One of my Uncles is awesome about remembering everyone’s birthdays and is always the first one to call in the morning. The phone would actually ring ALL DAY! Without any exaggeration. In the evening my friends would come over. Aai would be cooking yummy things for my birthday, a gooey delicious chocolatey chocolate cake would be ordered. Building friends, school friends, college friends, cousins and family would all stop by with small gifts, cards and our small apartment would be filled to the brink with laughter, non stop chatter and a festive spirit. A new dress would be worn and compliments would be received by the truckload. Every birthday in India has been unique and fun! I have so looked forward to my birthdays in India. One birthday, my best friend brought a watermelon to class which I cut like a cake during recess. Another birthday my Mom packed bhel and juice for us which we took to a park nearby and ate on the green lawns. An 18th birthday I had renounced material things (only for one day) and had told everyone I didn’t really want any jewellery, gift items etc; result was being presented with love birds, sparrows, fish tank complete with fish…..Every birthday was special in its own way.

So when I moved to the US, I was plunged into depression and loneliness when my birthday approached. I was working with a CPA firm at the time and it was tax season, which meant long hours. On my birthday, my seniors pushed me out of the office on time, to go home and enjoy. As I opened the door to my house and walked in, I saw P video shooting me. One by one my brother, my sister in law, my sister and my brother in law stepped into view!!! It was the most amazing surprise ever!! I was so shocked and thrilled!! They had flown and driven (respectively) hundreds of miles to be with me. Needless to say I had an awesome time on my birthday. The weekend zoomed by with siblings around me. Loved it!

Slowly over the past ten years, anticipation and eagerness of my birthdays has dimmed a little. I guess they have transferred to R’s birthdays now and Christmases and Diwali celebrations which are planned with more gusto and friends/family gathered. My own birthdays are very low key now. With the advent of internet networking sites like Facebook and Orkut, I received many many messages wishing me but I still miss the phone ringing off the hook. Of course my cell phone kept buzzing all morning but as I was in a meeting, I had to ignore the calls (India US time zone differences kya karey!). I am lucky to have family here and we did go out to eat but it wasn’t the same. I miss my parents, my friends, my siblings, my cousins; a happy event is not the same without loved people to celebrate it. I have still dressed up, received compliments from co-workers unaware of my birthday, for the shocking fuchsia pink blouse I am wearing today. P is insisting on accompanying me to the mall to buy something of my own choice for myself. We will go out to dinner but it is not the same anymore.

In India you didn’t just go shopping unless it was a special occasion. Here in the US, we go shopping so frequently, in the winter especially. Every long weekend, there is a sale going on, I window shop even though I don’t need anything and pick up bargains when I see them. The fun of buying something for a special day is lost when you shop all through the year. I miss those trinkets which my friends used to pool money together to buy; as we grew older, our contributions grew bigger resulting in expensive gifts but it was so precious, those gifts which my friends spent so much time scouring different shops, shopping for me and their delight when I wore the earring, necklace, bracelet, kurti, tshirt etc…..the numerous birthday cards, especially the ones which one or the other random guys would give, which we would read into unnecessarily, trying to decide if he had a crush on me or not etc.

I guess I will celebrate my birthdays through R now as I watch her delight and excitement when her birthday approaches, her excitement at ordering that Dora or Mickey Mouse or Barney cake, her jumping up and down with happiness while getting dressed in her special birthday dress and greeting visitors at the door, her squealing with delight when she tears open the wrapping paper off the countless gifts she receives. And one day, I hope she also looks back at her childhood and her birthdays and thinks about how special and wonderful each of her birthdays was…

For the time being I am grateful for my wonderful husband who knows how much birthdays mean to me and is trying to make it a special day. I mean, he even called me at work to just chat!!! ;)

Thank you God for a wonderful life, a wonderful husband and a wonderful daughter! Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to nurture another baby and no matter what that blood test says tomorrow and whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is, I am eternally grateful for the thousand other good things in life you have bestowed upon me. All my days are special because of it…Thank you…

Fear

I got a doctor's appointment for next Monday, my birthday! Of course I wouldnt know the test results right away but have to wait till Tuesday then.

P has asked me to be numb to the realisation of being pregnant. Neither rejoice nor get freaked out. Just stay neutral and not react to anything. Neither dream of the future nor discuss anything baby related. Neither tell anyone nor think about it.

Its so difficult and like today when I burst out crying in the middle of the day for no reason, alone in my cube, I sat for fifteen minutes tears streaming down my cheeks. I finally told one of my closest friends at work. I cant hide sorrow inside my heart. I have to share it to reduce it. Or it multiplies until it suffocates me.

I want to be sick with nausea, I want to have all the normal symptoms of pregnancy that other women have. I just want to have a normal pregnancy.

R would be such a wonderful older sister and she is absolutely ready to have a sibling. Please God, please help me.

:) Blogging sure is my mufta ka pscyciatrist :) I feel so much better already. Let me be grateful for the one kid I already have and for my wonderful husband and not cry over something that might not happen. I might just have normal levels and might have a normal pregnancy and might have a sweet baby by the end of this year in my arms. Be positive S...

Courage

I am paranoid about this pregnancy. Exactly like last time, my tummy and back are hurting, the only symptoms of pregnancy that I have are achy boobs and a slight nausea and tiredness. Achy boobs come and go freaking me out even more. Every morning I wake up and look for the achy boobs or the nausea, the normal symptoms of pregnancy and they reassure me. Sometimes when its just the achy tummy and the back, I get so scared its going to be a repeat telecast of last times. I wonder if your hormones just up and quit as you get older? I had read that lower backache is a sign of low progesterone levels but if an ignorant person like me turns to the internet for answers, there are a hundred symptoms and a hundred causes and you kinda choose your worst fears from them.

I am so very worried about the blood test. I am scared of hearing the same verdict - low HCG, low progesterone. I am scared of the painful progesterone shots. I am scared of having another miscarriage. I am scared my body is never going to create the requisite hormones level ever and every pregnancy attempt will be difficult. I am scared P is going to say "We dont need another kid". I am so tired.

I am going to call my gyne on Monday and just tell her FYI..If she wants me to go in immediately for a blood test, then doodh ka doodh aur paani ka paani ho hi jaayega. If she suggests to wait a few more weeks to see what nature has planned for me, I just have to clear my mind and focus on other things. In any case I need to put my hand on my heart and say "Aal izz well".

Pray for me

So after a week of my boobs hurting and random nausea waves over random things like R pouring her half finished milk into my cereal bowl or shoving her toothbrush into my hands to finish brushing or wanting me to admire her poo poo (I made 5 and they are all brown in color) yucck!, I finally decided to go buy a pregnancy test and find out for myself. My date of periods missed hasnt come and gone yet so I bought one of those 5 days early pregnancy detection kits and Yess!!! I saw the 2 lines!! I AM PREGNANT!! I called P immediately and he was thrilled - he kept saying "Are you sure?".

After the initial euphoria has died down, the fear came back. What if my blood tests dont show appropriate levels again? What if I have another miscarriage? What if I have to take those progesterone shots again? Good God, they were just horrible!! What if I bleed again? But I have decided to not to be worried, to take each thing as it comes, to stay calm and cool. I had one normal pregnancy and I will definitely have another.

I had taken the longest time to get pregnant with R. Finally I had freaked out and thought we were infertile, never would have a baby etc. Almost ready to embark on a fertility treatment, we conceived naturally. She is a blessing!

I have the utmost admiration, respect and sympathy for all of those who are battling infertility :( My sister being one of them. She has shut off communication with the whole family, refuses to share what she is going through because she cant talk about it, never ever calls us (but she does talk really well and appreciates when we call/visit).....I want to hurry up and have a normal pregnancy and deliver my baby and then I want to ask my darling sister if I can carry their child for them.....Its easier said than done, but I am hoping she will say Yes and I have the courage and the guts and the patience to go through with it. I feel like every couple who wants to have a child deserves one, this happiness should not be denied to anyone who is praying and hoping for it.

But for the timebeing, please pray for me...I have decided to wait till next week to call my doctor and then we will know what my body has in store for me this time around...

*Edited to add*
When I told my best friend who has had infertility issues in the past about my plans to ask my sister, she was appalled saying that if she would have been in my sister's place, she would have been extremely annoyed at the suggestion :) I love having my best friends to put me in place, sometimes well meaning thoughts turn into severe invasions of privacy, dont they. So now I have decided to shut up with my pompous suggestions and if ever in the future, my sister voluntarily tells me that they are considering a surrogate is when I will open my mouth and volunteer for the job. Otherwise I am gonna shut it and just pray for her everyday...

Miscarriage woes

I wish I were pregnant! Why did I have a miscarriage? My company is going to have a major restructuring effort come June and there is a very high possibility of me getting laid off. It would have been so perfect if I hadnt lost my baby, I would be going on maternity leave and would not care about the job or whatever. I could have spent time with my baby and then looked for a job at my leisure.

Now I am stressed about when would I get pregnant again.....my periods are a week away and I am already thinking about them. I saw the Time traveller's wife movie yesterday and everytime she had a miscarriage and bled, I cringed and was terrified. I am scared of my pregnancy, scared of my gyne saying Oh progesterone is low again, start the injections :((

I am worried of looking for a new job and then finding out I am pregnant, worried that I will be pregnant, will start to show and no one will employ me, I do not want to postpone my plans to get pregnant, I am worried I am getting older.....

Anyways I should focus on the good things in my life. My sister cant get pregnant and doesnt have a child. What will she be thinking? I need to be grateful for R and grateful for the flexible work life balance I enjoyed when she was little. I need to believe in myself and my abilities and keep faith that I can get back to work after a mini break, just in case I need to take one. I need to believe that things will be allright and everything will fall into place and when it does, I will feel that the timing was just right and I worried for no reason..

No SAD WAD

One of my friend's mother in law passed away suddenly. Ever since I have been thinking about end of life and fast forwarding many years from now, and would I be okay if I passed away suddenly. I also look at the other family/friends around me, who are retired and muse upon their lives, some see their past with satisfaction, some with regrets. My grandmother who was widowed at fifty always looked back on her life and claimed she had the best husband in the world and that she led a peaceful and satisfied life, even in her old age, she was fiercely independent and led a calm serene life. And then there are others who have so many regrets in their lives......wouldnt it be nice to turn back thirty years from now and say - I wouldnt have changed a thing if I had to live my life all over again. But as I think about it more and more, I feel satisfaction or dissatisfaction with ones life is completely dependent on the personality of the person involved. Some people are just not happy or satisfied in any condition and vice versa.

Anyways after spending a frustrating couple of hours in the evening thinking I am so bored, I did a root cause analysis on myself. Why am I bored? Because I am fat, I dont exercise, I am overweight, I have a deliverable due at work on Monday which I am not prepared for at all, which means working through the weekend, which I hate to do, I feel guilty, I am not spending enough quality time with R, I wonder if I am pregnant, if I am pregnant then I will get fatter, I wish I would have lost some weight before I get pregnant, Oh god, please dont delay my pregnancy for this, I want to get pregnant asap.....see how my mind flies!!!

Anyways I have decided I am losing track of whats important in life, apart from the usual grind of home, work, home, family; I also need to make time for me. I had decided 2 years back that I would do something for myself every year, something to enrich ME, this life is too short and there is an ocean of knowledge out there, we cant even begin to touch a drop of it in one lifetime. So 2008 was my Spanish classes (we can ignore the fact that I cant remember any of it as I dont use it). 2009 was my half marathon. I havent yet decided what I should be doing for 2010!!

When P woke up, he said "Look at the big picture always", dont let yourself be bogged down by minor stresses. So when I think of 2010, I cant think past a baby and I am stressed in my mind about when will I get pregnant, will I have a normal pregnancy, will I have another miscarriage and so on.....I have to look past it and then think about what should I do for myself....

Anyways baby steps, I made a list of all my things to do over the weekend (20 things yeeesh). I and R played with her toy kitchen; she made a complete nutritious meal for me and then served it to me so nicely, forks and plates and glasses. It boosted my morale, she is learning about whats right, whats wrong - eat your vegetables, dessert only if you finish your mamm mamum, the tea is hot etc..It was so nice and relaxing.......there is no reason for me to waste any time in unhappiness, or blame boredom on the weather outside, there should always be summer in my heart and I will always be warm and happy...